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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by Kane on April 8, 2011 at 6:03am

Chris,

You are very wise and I need your words too, thanks!

Comment by MissHIm11 on April 8, 2011 at 5:54am

Chris and Kane, 

Thank you for your words of wisdom. This is so new to me that I just don't really know anything but to vent and be myself. Chris...my grief counselor asked me to focus on positives last week and I thought she was nuts. I didn't do my assignment. When I went back to her she clarified and basically wanted me to note the same things you mentioned. My life is not over...it is just different and I will get past this somehow. It is just not the life I wanted. 

 

Hugs to you all!

Comment by Chris on April 8, 2011 at 5:17am

MissHim,

 

I think the best reaction you can have is your initial one.  If you feel like crying, cry.  If you feel like smiling, smile.  We have learned first-hand that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, so do what you feel is right today.

 

The person you are now is different than the person that you were 2 months ago.  Right now you see this as a bad thing because you were happy with who you were before.  The hardest part of this for me was having to reassess my life & my goals, changing my focus from what was taken from me to what I still had.  I still have a hard time with that at times, three-and-a-half years later.  During those times I look at the positive things that have happened to me since Sarah died & the people that I have helped in those days.  Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't.  But it helps me realize that I have a purpose and that's usually enough to keep me going.

Comment by Kane on April 8, 2011 at 4:55am

MissHim,

Go easy on yourself, 7 weeks is so early!!!  For months I looked at the clock all day Sat (my husband died on a Sat too) and thought ok this is what we were doing, this is where we were, this is when he died.  My therapist, several months later suggested I write down the events of the day and see if that helped me stop thinking and focusing on it so much.  One day you may be able to do that for now just take whatever the day brings, you have enough to think about!!

 

If you need to fake smile with your friend than do that, otherwise just cry and let your emotions be felt.  I found that was always easier - I have cried everywhere and with complete stangers!!  Just don't hold too much in and let yourself be....

Can you try and plan something for tomorrow even if it is as easy as a walk?  Just a thought... thinking of you.

Comment by MissHIm11 on April 8, 2011 at 3:53am
I am counting the days since my husbands death. Why? Why am I so focused on his death and how long it has been? Tomorrow is ANOTHER Saturday. That sucks! He died on Saturday, March 12th, 2011.

A friend is coming over with her little girl this morning. I hope I can put on a fake smile long enough to get through their visit. Sometimes I just want to be me....but who am I now?
Comment by T on April 7, 2011 at 12:47pm
Get it susieg.  Sometimes I feel like most everyone has such a good answer.  But I know that we are just trying to make one step at a time.  For some of us the steps are an up day, for some backward and for some sideways.  I'm following the same April 30th track as you, but I do have kids.  There are some days I wish I was older and could have time to be.  I'm glad that we have a place to share and interact in a place with others on the same journey.  For someone who has lost someone special and I don't know what to say, I will sometimes just put my hands on their shoulder and say, "I am so sorry."  Sometimes there isn't much you can say, but being present for someone else helps. 
Comment by wannabmartha on April 7, 2011 at 12:07pm

Susieg, I know what you mean. I think some people just put on a better face than others. I'm heading out to see my counselor right now and she is usually the one that helps to point out the progress I've made when I can't see it for myself. I've often wondered how a person can cry so many tears and they keep coming! Take care

 

Comment by Susieg on April 7, 2011 at 12:00pm
Sometimes, when I go to grief groups, or even talk to widows, it seems like they are always doing so much better than me.  I don't even think they are putting on an act....I am almost 2 years on April 30.....I sometimes wish I could be more encouraging to people I see on this and other websites, but I still cry every day...it has been getting a little better on that (the crying) but I think of him almost all the time...how much I miss him, and how lonely for him I am.  I think if I had kids at home or something, it would be easier.  My dogs are a great comfort but most of my interaction comes from my friends here.  I can't even imagine myself with someone else.  I certainly know what NOT to say to someone recently widowed!!!
Comment by Maya, GEM's kyttn on April 7, 2011 at 11:15am
Norma, if you ever do find yourself with someone in our situation, you'll do what I did.  You'll hug them if they need it, and tell them they aren't alone and that you understand.  You'll tell them that you care and you WON"T tell them their spouse is in a better place!  You'll give them what support you can, and that counts.  I want to do more for her, but I can't.  I crocheted a shawl for her, since the one someone made for me helped a little, and that's all I can do except let her know once in a while that I understand that it still hurts like hell. 
Comment by Norma on April 7, 2011 at 10:50am

God Bless you Maya, I personally don't get out that much and usually don't have to deal with the public other than grocery shopping or going to dr. I truly don't know if I could find the right words face to face to someone else in our situation, it would proably end up a big cry fest instead. But I pray that if I do find myself in this situation that God will give me the right words and the compassionate caring needed to help them just as you have done. It is hard to move on I find myself just existing...

 

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