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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by Maya, GEM's kyttn on April 1, 2011 at 8:24am

I agree with KrustyTheCat that the build-up to the day (to most anniversaries) is sometimes worse than the day itself.  I end up spending my anniveraries alone.  I don't want to make Greg's family feel worse because I fall apart a lot, and I can't maintain the fiction of being okay on those days.  My children have their own lives, and Greg was their stepfather.  They just don't get why I'm still grieving so much 3 years later.  My parents don't remember the anniversaries, or don't care - I prefer to think they don't remember.  So, usually it's just me.  I talk to him a lot, and try to coax stories about him out of other people.  There's always a sense of relief when I've made it through the day. 


Comment by Momtofour on April 1, 2011 at 7:04am

Chris and Laska, I have to agree with what you said about remembering the good and the bad.  My husband was a great dad, wonderful husband too, and we had a fantastic relationship, but he did have many faults.  he was lazy too when he was at home, which really frustrated me.  he was a truck driver so when he was home he didnt want to do anything, so I was with the kids ALL the time when he was gone and when he got home I rarely got a break from anything.  he rarely helped me around the house, expected a lot of me...i felt like his step mom had set him up for failure because she did EVERYTHING for him.  Thats just one of the bad things...but there is a good balance of both.  We argued, we were both very stubborn, but we loved each other very very much and my whole world came crashing down when he died.

Laska, my 1 year was last October.  I took all of my kids to Florida for two weeks and we had an amazing vacation.  The day he died, we took a Mickey head balloon and wrote messages to him, and then we released it into the sky.  it was a great way to remember him.  I think the build up of the day is worse than the day itself to be completely was for me at least.

Comment by Dawn on April 1, 2011 at 6:57am
hi everyone, I have a question about therapy if anyone might have some insight to share. I was looking for a grief therapist due to the sudden unexpected death of my husband and I have a family therapist is there a difference? I would think she maynot have the guidance I need. thanks
Comment by Kane on April 1, 2011 at 5:24am

For our first year I had a memorial open house.  I cut up a bunch of my husbands work dress shirts and had people put blessings for him or us on them.  I am (this spring) going to erect a blessing flag and hang it in our backyard, we did the same thing at the finish line where he died but with just very close friends.

I think there were too many people at our house that day and I was a bit overwhelemed, it felt so much like when he had just passed and I had non stop traffic in our home, but it was a lot of different people here too - lots of the ones from a year ago have left my life and new people have stepped in..... strange!

It was a lovely celebration of his life and a few of my widow friends were here to hug me through the day, that helped, having someone you can look at who just gets it and does not just feel sorry for you!!!

Did anyone watch Grey's Anatomy last night, why in TV land do they always bring them back - just about killed me that she was dying and then....oh look, you get her back - ugggg....I so wish it was my reality some days, it was a really hard show to watch and am still feeling the drag of it this morning. 



Comment by Jon on April 1, 2011 at 4:41am
As much as I wish you all were not here It helps to know there are other people in the world who can relate, who understand.
Comment by Jon on April 1, 2011 at 4:39am

The first anniversary of Laura's death was not that hard.  Half her ashes are in an outdoor raised planter at our local cementary.  Laura would occasionally give me flowers when she was alive.  I never understood why because I really have no interest in flowers.  Only after she died did I finally realize it was a hint that I should give her flowers more often so I've been taking flowers to the cemetary.  We have a double space with a brass plaque.  My half is blank.  The flower vaise would allways blow over in the wind.  For the first anniversary I made a concrete block with a vaise and two cigar tubes cast inside that fits exactly over my half of the plaque.  Owen and I wrote notes to Laura to place in the cigar tubes and the floweres don't blow over anymore.  I guess the first anniversary wasn't bad because everyone knew about the date.  Owen and I were alone but had contact with her family that live far away.

    The hard day for me was my 22 wedding anniversary which occured exactly 11 months after Laura's death.  Owen had a soccer game and played goaly.  He played so poorly he was not allowed to play goaly again for the rest of the league.  He is now playing goaly again and doing very well.  I know my mood affected him that day.  We went to lunch with my parents after the game and my mother kept asking if my stomach was OK.  I couldn't say a word.  It took all my effort not to break down. 

Comment by Chris on April 1, 2011 at 4:12am

For my first year anniversary we had a big part at the beach where my late wife grew up.  It was a lot of fun & it was great to grieve with friends & family, but I was also one of the primary planners so it was a lot of work.  Felt like I had to pick & choose when I was able to grieve. 


My advice would be to do something that you want to do to honor your late spouse, but don't be the person planning it.  Give a close friend or family member the opportunity to honor them by letting them run the show.


The 2nd anniversary is worse than the 1st, by the way...

Comment by wannabmartha on March 31, 2011 at 8:53pm
Thanks for your honesty! Prayers back at you!
Comment by Lairey on March 31, 2011 at 8:48pm
Nothing will "work"  I gotta be honest.  You get through the day and think "what the ? happened" .  Time just seems to pass by...... 2 years went by last month and everyday it seems like he was just here!   Prayers are with you....
Comment by wannabmartha on March 31, 2011 at 8:40pm
I think it's good to see what won't work for you in a particular instance. I've made so many mistakes thinking that I'm ready for something when I'm really not.

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