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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1667
Latest Activity: Jul 4

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Comment by Susieg on February 18, 2011 at 10:26am
Carol, my husband had a series of problems from Sept, 08 to when he died April 30, 2009....we never knew he was as sick as he was, thought his health could be managed.  He was doing okay in the ICU on Tues, Weds morning the doctor told me he was dying....I think you qualify for sudden....who cares?
Comment by Eowyn on February 18, 2011 at 6:50am

I don't know how to rate these things. I would just say that when your husband is fine one day and dies the next morning with no warning it is a uniquely shocking and horrific experience. 

 

Comment by Carol Scibelli on February 18, 2011 at 6:14am

There's suddenly and there's suddenly and I think I fit in here because my husband died within a month of his diagnosis.  Does that count?  It sure felt sudden to me...

Comment by Kerri H on February 15, 2011 at 8:02pm
Patter and Susieg, there is absolutely nothing any of us can say.  However, this is definitely the place to let out these feelings.  It does suck.  It sucks REALLY bad.  I get so pissed sometimes, especially because my husband chose to take himself away from me, he committed suicide.  I've thought it all including he didn't love me enough to stay with me.  He chose this for me.  And, yeah, it SUCKS (and I have to tell you that word is such a wimpy word for what it really is).  But whether he was the one who chose it or not I believe it was his time or close to it.  Who knows what horrible thing lie ahead of us if things had happened differently.  Regardless of the fact that he killed himself I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved me.  It was there every time he looked at me, in the calls during the day to see how my day was, in the way he would hold me and touch his forehead to mine.  I know that I am blessed to have my boys because they are probably the only thing that kept me going.  I do know that my husband would be proud of me with everything I'm doing becoming an EMT and a nurse.  And, I know that he would want me to be happy.  No, that is not always enough.  And it is hard to believe that life can be good sometimes or will get better.  But I know it will.  It is better now than it was 6 months ago.  All we can do is our best and take each moment as it comes.  I always tell my boys, generally when they have been fighting and one is saying "but he...", that we are only responsible for our own actions or how we interpret the little things in life.  We can choose to see the negative and bad or we can choose to see the positive and good.  We can also choose to take the bad and make something good out of it.  I'm trying to do this.  ;)
Comment by Susieg on February 15, 2011 at 6:05pm
Patter, I understand completely how you feel.  And I am 22 months....I don't know the answer...I have gone to grief groups, and it always seems like the other widows don't feel as bad as I do, or are a lot older, or their husbands were sick for years and it is finally over...I am seeing  a psychiatrist and have only seen him twice so we will see what happens.  I don't want to feel like this forever.   People who are more religious than I keep talking about the Lord, etc, etc....I believe in God, but I don't know why my husband is supposedly so happy where he is and I am so f---=king miserable.  I think about him all the time.  I think we are conditioned to think this passes in a year....it doesn't.  I am sorry, I know I don't have the right words for you, no one does for me either.  Just know you are not alone.
Comment by Eowyn on February 15, 2011 at 4:24pm
Widowhood can change your life very radically,,, in every way,,, because it steals your future, leaving a seemingly blank slate...
Comment by patter on February 15, 2011 at 3:37pm

Can I tell you how much I am hating my life alone!

I don't want to be with anyone, but I also dont want to be alone without my husband.  He is was my best friend... I just cant let 31 years of marriage go ..and expect to live a newly adjusted life.. and I guess that is what I really want to write about here.. I am not seeing the point of life now.  Listen I know the line about you will go on.. and all of that other stuff, but honestly.. I have had my kids, they are grown, have their own careers,   I too have reach the pinacle of my career..been there done that.. My husband and I were looking toward retiring early buying a home at the shore and spending mornings walking the beach.. that was the dream.. we worked our asses off to get to that point of looking towards early retirement (despite the crappy economy and all that stuff).. and now.. I just dont really have much to look forward to other than more birthdays and wrinkles.. who the hell wants that to look forward to.. I dont .. I really dont want to be on a quest for the meaning of life.. I get it.. I found the love of my life... we had a long marriage.. he died and now what.. Here I am stuck in life.  We were married 31 years, we experienced alot, we travelled.. we worked, we raised kids, we did and did.. and now he is dead.. there is really nothing on my bucket list.. honestly sounds very negative..but I really am having a hard time understanding .. dont say grandchildren.. one daughter says no way.. and my oldest is in her 30's and may adopt down the road, but not now.. really how I feel now.. LIFE SUCKS..

Comment by Susieg on February 10, 2011 at 8:51pm
Patter, what did your husband die from?  I couldn't see it in your info..do you have kids?  Where do you live?
Comment by Kane on February 10, 2011 at 5:36pm

Wow Patter you are so brave, I could barely leave the house after 2 weeks let alone come home alone!  Although I did, cause the kids forced me out, it was so hard but I always had a friend or family member come home with me.  I still feel I want to be alone most of the time or with just the kids and I.  I am 16 months out.  Don't do anything you don't want and give yourself permission to be where ever you are in your journey!  There are no answers only you yourself know what you need at the time, try and listen to our heart.

 

As for paperwork, it sucks but try and take copies of everything and write down names and dates of people you talk to.  That will help.   I am still fighting with my husbands firm to get all our money out and wish I had kept better notes 16 months ago.  I also find the funeral home to be a great source of help, and for me the Canadian government people were so great with advice and easy ways to fill out forms.

Just know we are all here to be together whatever you may need, sorry you had to join this club, but whatever and however we will help you get through.

Comment by patter on February 10, 2011 at 3:45pm
I am only 2+ weeks out.. and I am really finding the evening/night to be hard.. I seem to keep myself and mind fairly occupied during the day, but when I come home .. their is no routine to fall into like there used to be.. even when my DH was in the hospital.. there was a routine.. now.. I come home to new sympathy cards to be opened, or mail addressed to both of us,  The house is filled with all kind of touches and reminders (which I am happy about) but then also at the same time remind me that he should be here with me.   It s hard to not dwell on this.. and I have this terrible strain of not wanting to be alone... but then I WANT to be alone.. I am NOT ready to jump into anything right now.. in some strange way I want to be in this moment.. I want to start to face the fact that no matter how many times I walk into the other rooms, he is just not going to be there..  AND completing all of these forms is driving me nuts.
 

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