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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1691
Latest Activity: on Tuesday

Discussion Forum

Life goes on, but it’s so bloody hard

Started by Lal68. Last reply by Lal68 on Tuesday. 4 Replies

My husband was 46 and died suddenly.  We thought he had the flu, took him to doctors Thursday and she thought the same. On Friday he had stomach pains so took him back to the doctors where he was…Continue

Random Thoughts on a Rough Weekend

Started by Crabby. Last reply by jlsrdh Nov 7. 13 Replies

Since my husband died 14 weeks ago, I now take 6 pills a day for anxiety and insomnia.  I still don't sleep.I hate eating alone.  I can't even figure out what to shop for or what to make. When I do…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Melissa Oct 18. 11 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Crabby Oct 14. 4 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by Broken Diva on October 12, 2018 at 4:40pm

Dear jlsdh,

So sorry you are new to this "Club."  I never wanted to be a member.

I know what you mean about stupid people.  I have disassociated with so many "friends" over my husband's death, including my family.  

My sister in law - a month after he died suddenly - told me that i have to "get on with my life" then proceeded to call me in hysterics about a month later because her cat died!  I told her I don't have to do or get on with anything and I hoped that she didn't have to find her loved one dead and blue on the floor!  I say things now that I never thought I would say.

I also eliminated the "should-ers" You SHOULD buy a condo, you SHOULD get on with your life, etc.  I think it's better to not even waste time with these people!  There are a lot more caring people out there.

A woman at work told me "I know exactly how you feel!  I broke up with my boyfriend last year...."

I'm so glad you are going to a counselor.  I saw a grief counselor and he helped me tremendously.  I recently started seeing another therapist too, because I found out that people really don't care or understand what we are going through.  I really don't wish anything bad on anyone, but karma is a bitch.  

I hope you have a reasonable day tomorrow and if I could be of assistance, please email me.

Take care.

Comment by Frank on October 11, 2018 at 9:22pm

Hi Jlsrdh,

I'm so sorry to read you introduction.  While your neighbor may be a well intended jerk, he is still acting like a jerk.  I would  not blame you a bit it you turned your "nice hat" around. 

You are most welcome here.  We are all traveling down similar paths.  Some are just starting out as you are and others such as me, are further along.  What you comment about is completely normal for those of us that have lost our spouse.  Please take your time to read here on WV.  Look at the various posts.  Many of them will be relating to your present feelings.  This is a place where you can rage, vent, cry, scream, and wrestle with your problems and questions.  Each time you discuss what happened, try to write in detail with feelings. Put yourself and your feelings into the comments and notes.  You will find that it actually helps. Just the mechanics of trying to put yourself on paper logically and with feelings helps your mind sort things out.

When you have read and perhaps replied to and friended others, you will be able to join us in the Chat Room.

It's not a requisite to do all that, it just that sometimes as you watch folks going back and forth, sometimes laughing and bantering, it is too much too soon.   There we support each other, laugh with each other, and get to know each other.  It took me a month or two or even three before I felt able to chat. 

I lost my wife, Susan, in December of 2012.  She went to sleep Sunday night, and did not wake up Monday morning. My life imploded.  I felt gut punched..unable to breathe, and barely able to stand with all the crying, screaming.  We had celebrated our 35th anniversary in October. She was my best friend, and my rock. Without her I felt completely helpless and adrift in a rubber raft on a raging ocean of emotions.  I had no purpose, no goals, no aims.  For awhile I simply awoke in a fog of disbelief, got dressed, picked at food, and went back to bed where sleep completely escaped me.  I've been where you are, as have most all of us.  We can help and support you.  Just keep writing, keep reaching out.  We are all here for you.


Comment by jlsrdh on October 11, 2018 at 5:27pm

i'm newly widowed, 7 weeks. New- to this type of conversation too. I read  'Its ok your not ok" and the author listed this site. Of course I don't do facebook, twitter, instagram. Email is it for me. Being lost in grief is so hard and draining. His memorial service was just last Saturday, and our 38 anniversary was last Thursday. Both, Such sad days.  I lost my everything 7 weeks ago. We never had children, it was always just us. We did everything together. He would even get mad if I did not want to go with him to Costco. Its quite & lonely now. We only moved to this state 6 months ago so except for my sister and my mom there is now one here. I know a few of my neighbors slightly, and next week to start the process of a coffee date with 1, and a walk with another. They all say call if you need anything. I don't call. I'm in grief counseling and she is great. Making me, an introvert, try to take baby steps to get to know these women. To see if I have a connection or can make one. My stupid neighbor next door has said terrible things to me. He is so STUPID. 2 days after Toms death he wanted ME to take HIM to the hospital to see Toms body so he could say goodbye.  REALLY what is wrong with you. I left that day it happened for 30 minutes, my husband waved goodbye when I backed out of the garage. I can home and found him on the bathroom floor, heart attack. I started CPR, while I yelled at 911 on my phone. They were never able to revive him. So my neighbor says, so you found him on your bathroom floor does it bother you to go in there. these are just 2 of the numerous things he has said so far. He comes over when I'm out in the yard. I'm caught.  It was not until I read 2 grief books and found out things YOU never say, and why they hurt so much. Now, if he starts to say something hurtful  he will find out how Not nice I can be. I've always been an easy crier and now everything makes me cry. Strange things have happened in my home and I know its Tom. I talk to his picture ever night and discuss my day. I now have his ashes in my bedroom, and I'm ok with it.   I have him in spirit just not his physical body. 

I still put the pillows at night on the bed where he slept, and some nights I sleep and others i'm awake most the night. I'm glad I'm retired as there is no way I could have patients ask me everyday all day about him and what happened. I retired from the dental profession last year. We had so many plans, and now its all gone forever.

Well, I don't know if I've done this correct so If not I apologize as this is new    

Comment by laurajay on October 7, 2018 at 3:09am

Having  children  young enough  to still be living at home entails  both  personal grief  and  assuming   dual  role  of mother  and father  and must be  absolutely  daunting  task!  Far harder  life as a widow  this  awesome task.  We  had  grandchildren  who  had  family  dinner  on  Wednesday  with  a well,  happy  loving  grandfather  who  suddenly  was  dead  two days  later  on Friday.  They  mutually  adored  one another  but  the  children    had  parents  alive  to love  them  when the loss  occurred.   Far  more  difficult  with  young children,  Clare.  I  could  not have coped  trying  to help  children thrive without a father.  My heart  goes  out to you. 

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 6, 2018 at 8:13pm

My sincere apologies Clare.  I did not mean to imply that losing your spouse was any easier if you had children. I didn't have children....You had children...We both lost our Beloveds...We both are grieving/broken.  I truly feel your pain and understand your anger/ frustration. I wish neither one of us had to experience this.  Sending you my best virtual hug.  Apologies.


Comment by shellybean on October 6, 2018 at 7:58pm

Clare - I think children are one of those "grass is always greener...." things. I'd do just about ANYTHING to have had a child with Marcus, even knowing I would be raising that child without him. I'm sorry you don't have someone willing to lend a hand with the kids at no cost to give you a moment of alone time to properly grieve. 

Comment by Clare on October 6, 2018 at 7:50pm

Yes, it's so much easier having kids to love. Really? I have to pay people to look after my kids in order to actually be able to grieve. My eldest is special needs and my youngest is 4. For crying out loud!

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 6, 2018 at 7:34pm

Yes, Broken Diva, I  think having children makes a huge difference (or not in our case).  Perhaps it is because having a child still allows you a  physical person TO LOVE. It truly is a different "alone" when you have lost your intimate/significant partner and had no children..especially for women. JMO

My 3 older brothers and sis-in-laws were as helpful as they knew how to be but life does go on, doesn't it?  While the "please call if you need anything" is truly sincere....first, I didn't know what I needed from one day to the next AND Bob was always the person who helped everyone with everything so i didn't even know HOW to ask. He just saw if something needed to be done  and did it.

Melissa,  I'm sorry about your best friend. My BFF of 30+ years hasn't contacted me for almost 6 months (even though I still text and leave VM) because I am trying to move on with my new reality. (she thought I hadn't grieved Bob long enough to sell house or start dating). We can't win either way, huh?

I found my second year without Bob to be harder than the first.  I'm not sure why.  I will tell you that people didn't get any kinder and I didn't get any less angry or feeling more alone.

I wish all of us here a bit of peace...even if it is only for moment.  Thank you! 


Comment by shelley on October 6, 2018 at 4:09pm

Hi Melissa,  It will be 11 months for me on the tenth.  I'm sorry that you were sick and that you're dealing with judgments of your grief.  Yuck.

Comment by Melissa on October 6, 2018 at 11:29am

It seems that we are all going through the same thing. It's been 11 months today since my husband died. I was sick the other day, and my son came over to borrow something. I told him I was sick and I felt especially awful because Gilbert wasn't here to cheer me up. He told me I had to stop "wallowing" in my grief and get over it. 

My best friend used to call me every day to see how I was doing. Now that it's been almost a year, she doesn't feel she needs to anymore. I should be okay by now. Same with my sister. Things are harder now, coming up on the anniversary of his death, but everyone seems to think I should be fine. I feel as if I can't share how I feel, because I'm perceived as wallowing.

I don't have any answers. I don't know what to do. If I didn't have this place, I would be completely lost. My heart is with you all.


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