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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1720
Latest Activity: 23 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Kris63 23 hours ago. 6 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 May 15. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by KJPE May 12. 10 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

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Comment by Tess on March 21, 2019 at 9:22am

Frank, I hear what you are saying about a purpose from the above. I pray all the time that I will see, hear, or otherwise recognize my purpose when it is presented to me. I've wondered if I am missing it, as I too am afraid I am missing "hints" that may be in front of me.

I've gotten better at being a giving person and realizing that it is in giving that we receive. I probably know the full intention of that phrase now, as I didn't appreciate it as a younger person. That fact alone makes me feel that God is watching over and guiding me. Maybe that is all the message is and nothing more complicated.

Hugs to you.

Comment by DIVA70 on March 21, 2019 at 5:54am

Lostandlonely, I am sorry that you have to go through this but I understand. It has been almost eleven months since I lost my Tony and despite what I may look like to others I know I will never be the same. What you are feeling is just a part of this grief journey. Last week I had a complete meltdown. I was so depressed. I felt as if my heart would burst. In your comments you wrote that you pray constantly for God's guidance to help you reach acceptance. That's what I did during those moments and that's what I do whenever the despair seems so unbearable. Just doing that shows me that we are moving forward. And we must be intentional. I find that journaling has helped me so I started writing down the things that Tony would say to me if he could. The top five things I wrote were 1) Thank you Jackie for always being there for me. 2) Enjoy the rest of your life. God blessed us with 50 years and one day we'll be together again. 3)Take care of your health. You did a great job taking care of me. Now take care of yourself. 4) Do the things you always wanted to do. 5) Stop crying. I'm okay. For me this was calming and it gave me the push I needed to get up and get out of the house. For the first time since his departure I was able to go to the gym and walk the indoor track.(We used to do that together) I walked a mile and I didn't break down. Right now we are just existing but that's ok. We haven't given up and that's the key. I come here because you and others give me hope. Peace is on the way. Godspeed.

Comment by LandL (Linda) on March 21, 2019 at 5:19am

I have to admit that I am deeply depressed.  I try so hard, but I miss my husband still every day.  I do things to stay busy, but the loneliness is with me no matter what I do or who I'm with.  Waking up each morning is hell.  I can't even enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of coffee, which I love, because it makes my anxiety go through the roof. I haven't come to the point of understanding why God took my husband.  I pray constantly for his guidance to help me reach acceptance, but it doesn't come.  I get better as the day goes on, but the best time for me is when I go to bed at night and into the oblivion of sleep.  I have pleasant dreams.  But then I wake to this hell. I'm writing this in the morning, so I apologize for the downer.  I don't know if I can say I'm living, just existing.  Just as only widows understand widowhood, only those who suffer depression and anxiety understand their effects.  People think you can just pull yourself out , but their hold is so tight.  I'm glad for you and for all who are doing well.  Hopefully someday I can join you.  I would settle for just peace.

Comment by Frank on March 20, 2019 at 9:52pm

Hi,

I'm not really "Happy". "Content," maybe." I'm sort of in a waiting stage.  I've accepted that Susan has died and I am rebuilding "Frank" to exist in a life without her.  I've stepped out and either have done new things or refound old things to keep me busy.   I understand why the Good Lord called Susan home and that I'm to live on.  This understanding leaves me wondering what He has intended of me in the future.  Being somewhat shy, and really don't take "hints" I've told him that when it comes time he needs to smack me upside the head (so to speak) so that I get what he has in mind.  Until then I'm living life, and moving along .  I've accepted her death and all that it means for me as I "wander" along.

HUGS

Frank

Comment by LandL (Linda) on March 19, 2019 at 8:12am

Thanks for your response, Frank.  I am certainly not happy.  Like you, I'm happy when something good happens in the lives of my children and grandchildren, but it's also bittersweet because my husband isn't here to share in it.  I know my family feels the same way.  I don't think either my children nor I will ever have that innocent, taken for granted happiness we had when he was here.  He was our comfort and security, our light that could fix any problem.  I feel so guilty that I could not take over that position for my family.  The depression and anxiety that he kept at bay overtook me when he died and will not let go.  Today I am feeling some hope.  I'll try not to think about tomorrow.  Your posts are always positive, which is what made me ask if you're happy.  I hope to one day be  stable, I'd settle for that. Thanks for being a friend.

Hugs to you,

Linda

Comment by laurajay on March 19, 2019 at 5:34am

my friend  Frank...Don't  laugh  enough  anymore  but reading your  post  as I always  do and not feeling  too  perky  I  read   the end  part  this way..."  Kinda  feeling  like  the old bull that gas has been  expelled from the herd" ??? I know. Typos  can  lead  to funny interpretations..  Very  rare  that you post any...I  make  mistakes  frequently.   hugs   lj

Comment by Frank on March 18, 2019 at 10:01pm

Lostandlonely,

You asked if I was happy...  That came right out of left field.  I'm now where near as happy as I was the Saturday before Susan died.  I think I'm on a plateau where I might rather say that I'm stable.  I am "happy" that my youngest got married last year, and I'm happy that my oldest is graduating this May. But as far as my every day life is concerned, no, I'm not really happy.  In fact Happiness is not a feeling I've had in 6 years now. I'm, I think moving along each day sometimes in a rut, and other times out with friends. But I'm not feeling the real "Happiness" one feels when you have a companion, someone to share your life with.  Kinda feeling like the old bull that gas been exiled from the herd.

Thanks for the question, and it prompted some inward thinking.

Hugs

Frank

Comment by daringtoday on March 13, 2019 at 3:45pm

Hi Lost and Lonely,

I’m about to hit the three year mark — next week, in fact! I would encourage you to realize that grief moves at its own pace. Your grief is unique. I think that when we accept ourselves exactly where we are, we allow what needs to happen to happen. We never ‘get over” losing a beloved partner or spouse. We just adjust to a new reality, one that we never really wanted. There is no time table and no “shoulds” in regard to grief. Try not to compare yourself with anyone else. You loved your husband deeply and his loss is terrible. Four years is not even one-tenth of the time you spent with him! Of course it takes a long, long time to embrace a new reality. Some days, one step forward, one step backwards. Some days, no steps. Some days, two steps forward, one backwards. 

I would wager that you are doing better than you think. We tend to think we should do better than we are, but the fact is, if you could do better, you would do better. What is better anyway? There is no better. There is life and you are living it the best you can. 

Sending hugs

Amy

Comment by jlsrdh on March 13, 2019 at 11:54am

Lostandlonely

Please remember there is no time frame on grief. It’s as individual as your love for your husband. I’m almost 7 months into this, I can only understand where I am right now in the grief/despair cycle. I have no idea what I will be experiencing in 4 years. Do I think I’ll ever get over loosing Tom and move on, right now NO. Do I HOPE it will get easier and soften YES. WILL there always be triggers for grief, sadness, crying ABSOLUTELY. 

I don’t know if this will help you but at grief.com with David Kessler he has online grief classes. I watched his free video on grief at the holidays, before Thanksgiving and it was interesting and insightful. Journaling helps express all the emotions you are feeling. 

Yes, I now also experience anxiety. We were a great team, and having that half you bounce all things ripped away forever is crushing. My grief counselor says it’s very helpful to do things with your hands. Washing dishes, cooking, gardening, or just squeezing a ball. To quote my counselor “Greiving is like a tilted metal spring. The greiving cycle flows around and around, sometimes upwards and sometimes downward, but usually in a general direction of growth and healing. When your head begins to clear and your heart becomes less encumbered with overwhelming sorrow, there may even be short seasons of lucid thinking and overarching gratitude. Thus the journey moves forward towards a new “normal”, for nothing will be quite the same because of the loss. But, the new normal can have its own exquisite slices of joys and solemn moments of peace”. 

Hugs

jlsrdh

Comment by LandL (Linda) on March 13, 2019 at 6:53am

Frank, I am in complete despair and don't know how to climb out.  I was so strong before.  When a problem arose, and we had some big ones with our kids, I found a solution along with my husband.  I worked full time, kept a spotless house, cooked good meals, while he also worked and took care of the yard and all the house maintenance.  I was well liked at my job and known for being organized.  We loved each other in that special comfortable way that comes with being together so long.  The severe anxiety disorder I developed after he was gone has kept me from doing so many things I know would help me.  I do think of all the little things we did and how happy we were, but that makes me miss him even more. I do have hope that one day I can see beauty in life again.  I want to remember all the joys we shared and smile and laugh.  I try, I really do.  But I have fallen into a bad place that I can't seem to dig my way out of.   Thanks for your suggestions.  Are you happy?

 

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