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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1704
Latest Activity: on Thursday

Discussion Forum

The Shock Has Worn Off

Started by GrievingandLost37. Last reply by KJPE on Thursday. 7 Replies

The shock of losing my husband has slowly worn off.  I am left with the reality that he is never coming home.  I will never hear his voice again.  He will never walk in the door of our home.  While…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by KJPE Mar 2. 7 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

I've never known love like that before

Started by Doxielover. Last reply by KJPE Mar 2. 11 Replies

My Joanna and I were together for 23 yrs. Last May she had a surgery to clip an aneurysm and instead was in surgery 14 hrs for a deep brain bleed. That was the last time I saw her as herself. She had…Continue

184 days and counting

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by going.on.slowly Feb 20. 1 Reply

Today is 184 days(6 months) since my husband of 38 years, Tom, died from a heart attack. It was always just the 2 of us, no kids. We thought the same thoughts so much of the time it was freaky. He…Continue

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Comment by jlsrdh on March 1, 2019 at 8:20am

Crabby thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry you received that comment from the woman at DMV.

You are correct, there is no silver lining with the loss of a spouse. I think You should never compare or comment on another widows grief. It is as individual as your love of your spouse. When your one great love dies, you are not looking to replace that person. At least I’m not. I also agree with your comment, “you would think they would understand.” Unfortunately some do not. I’m like you not even a year into this horrible journey, slowly finding my way. Yes, raw is a great way to state the emotions of grief. 

Hugs to you and I hope you eventually find some peace and comfort 

jlsrdh

Comment by Crabby on March 1, 2019 at 7:39am

jlsrdh - I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had similar encounters with other widows, and it makes me wonder why they would say such things. I get that everyone's grief is different, but still, you would think they would understand what not to say, and what not to do. Just the other day I had to go to Motor Vehicles to have the title on my car transferred from my husband's name to my name. When the clerk asked why I was having it changed, I explained that my husband passed away. She went on to tell me her story, and about how her husband passed away. Then she said to me, "At least you are still young." I just looked at her, stunned that she is a widow and would say something like that, as if there is some kind of silver lining here. As I read on Soaring Spirit's Facebook page, if it starts with "At least..." then don't say it. I also feel like some women who have been a widowed for quite some time forget how raw it can be for us.

Hugs to you!

Comment by laurajay on February 21, 2019 at 7:04pm

jlsrdh….two things   came  out of your encounter I believe.  One,  you were there for the woman to talk to-it had nothing  to do with consoling  you  and every  thing to do with  listening  to her  need  to talk. It was unexpected, unpleasant and  annoying  but  you did provide  a listening ear-that was kind of you even if unintended.  It shows  you are  thoughtful  even in your own grief. A good  attribute!    Two,  you learned  quickly  what you do not  want or  need as a  widowed woman  at least for now  and  you were  ready to dismiss it  and not let  her  get to you twice.  Strength.   I don't  know  why  you posted  her story  here  except describe  how  annoying it  was  to have it dumped  on you.  If you see  her  again  you might plan on letting her know  your  yoga  attendance is  time  you make  to get  out of the  widow mode and you do not  want  widow  discussion  before, during  or after  yoga  time-  Part of your  recovery  plan.   You hope she understands.  If she  goes  on...walk  away...if she  apologizes  accept it  but  don't  let it happen anymore. There are people  who think  you automatically  like  and welcome  widow talk and those  people  have to be asked  to refrain  from such talk.  You do not have  to explain.  She  is who she is and  does  what she does  with her  own reasons.  You are  the same.  You now know  to nip  such  talk  in the bud  and  you will.   Some people  would  welcome  such a busy body....so  I'd  suggest let  it go.  Consider what  you  learned and move on.  Anger  and hurt  are tiring!   Letting  it  go restores  your  energy.    Acknowledge  no "bug"  status, ever again.   Peace  and hugs  back at you      lj

Comment by Melissa on February 9, 2019 at 12:10pm

Shelley! What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing it. That gives me so much hope.

Your dad loved you so much. I'll bet he looked at that picture of you every day. 

Wow. That is so powerful. Thank you again.

Comment by shelley on February 8, 2019 at 9:09pm

Hey Melissa, I believe in the gifts of mediums and hope your experience is a good one.  And speaking of dads.....I met my biological dad when I was in my late 20's.  Our subsequent relationship was up and down.  I am a lot like him.  I cared for him at the end of his life, had some spiritual experiences of him after he died, thought I had found peace with his death when I scattered his ashes.  Didn't think much about him after that.  Then about a year ago, I was in my home office and I found a picture of him on the floor.  A picture of him when he was in his late 20's, probably when he became my dad.  Have no idea how the picture got there.  Above the photo, on a shelf was my dad's silver id bracelet.  It was given to him by students in one of his English classes (he was a college professor) and he treasured it.  I'd had it on the shelf since he died in 2011.  When I bent to pick up the photo, I was told to open the id bracelet.  I had no idea that the id bracelet opened.  I picked up the bracelet, fiddled with it, and found that it opened.  Inside was a picture of me as a three-year-old.  He gave me up for adoption when I was three years old.  I've felt a strong connection to him since.  Dads.  Sometimes they're very special.  

Comment by laurajay on January 22, 2019 at 12:31pm

Sometimes our hope fades and our faith we once strongly depended on wanes. Our vision of our future simply blurs. For me that means time to become quiet and look within for the sustaining power that brought me this far for so long a time. My upbringing taught me that as mortals we will not ever here on earth have the answers we seek to all of our questions . But rather take heart that one day we will have answers clearly revealed to us and we will be given the gift to understand those answers. Something not available here and now. One authority offering grace and everlasting love. Surviving a truly unexpected and sudden death is very different than loss that has evident explanation. For me and for now- it must be enough to know the One who knows.

Comment by Melissa on January 18, 2019 at 11:35am

I am seeing a medium in a couple of months. I really think there are people who have this gift. I saw a medium after my father died, and the things he said were remarkably accurate. He has since retired, unfortunately. Thank you so much for this beautiful story, jlsrdh.

Comment by Seashell on January 18, 2019 at 6:33am

That was beautiful. I went to a medium 2 years after my husband passed and it was a profound experience. I have since received several readings from mediums. 

Comment by KJPE on January 18, 2019 at 5:37am

jlsrdh:  Your story was so amazing I'm considering contacting a medium myself....I talk to my husband aloud a lot but I also cry a lot when I do.  I have hope that he might hear me....sometimes...

Comment by shelley on January 17, 2019 at 6:55pm

jlsrdh, I absolutely believe in everything you said.  I was told that my husband could hear me if I was thinking about him and/or talking to him silently.  But I will start speaking out loud.  

Last week I spent an entire day cleaning the trailer and working in the yard.  Mice are trying to claim space in the trailer and so for the first time since John died, I cleared clutter and threw things away.   I spent hours in the yard weeding, planting and trimming trees.  Then in the late afternoon, as I was standing in the kitchen, I felt him next to me, felt his presence strongly next to my left shoulder.  He always loved it when I cleaned the kitchen and worked in the yard.  

 

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