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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1702
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Other "Firsts"

Started by Crabby. Last reply by KJPE 7 hours ago. 1 Reply

Just some thoughts - I think we've all heard people say that the first year is the hardest. They tell us you have to get through all of the firsts - first holidays, first birthdays, first…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by Crabby 9 hours ago. 4 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Words I Never Got Around To Saying

Started by sis. Last reply by KJPE Jan 9. 6 Replies

Is anyone else tormented by the words you didn't get to say to your loved one? There are so many things I wish I had said before he went to bed that night, but who ever thinks they won't be there in…Continue

Feel like I am in a nightmare I can't wake up from

Started by Kmelli3 (Kate). Last reply by DIVA70 Jan 4. 19 Replies

Hi everyone, I am new to the group.  My husband Tom died of sudden cardiac arrest on November 23rd of this year.   He slumped over in his recliner while watching TV.  I called 911 and did CPR, but it…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by DIVA70 on January 16, 2019 at 10:20pm

KJPE, I can certainly relate to the unpredictability of husband passed in April of 2018. I was able to get through the holidays okay but I was totally caught off guard on January 1, 2019. I guess the realization that this would be the first year in 50 years that my Tony would not be with me hit me like a ton of bricks. I have literally cried every day and I feel as if I'm back at square one. Thank God for my Griefshare meetings which resumed on the 7th. Its been especially hard listening to everyone joyously proclaim how Happy New Year when you feel its anything but happy. Yet, I do understand and I would be proclaiming the same thing if my husband were still here. One thing I realize is he hasn't even been gone a year so I don't feel my reactions are not normal. I know he would want me to smile and enjoy life and I have had moments where I could laugh and feel good but I am a realist. I will move on but I know my life will never be the same. There is a void there which will never be filled but I am holding on to the belief that the tears will become less and less as the memories become sweeter and sweeter. Keep the faith and don't give up is my mantra. 

Comment by KJPE on January 16, 2019 at 6:07pm

Yes the crying jags are somewhat unpredictable.  Sometimes I just have to picture my husband's face in my mind because I feel so terribly alone & in the void without him.  Sometimes it's okay to picture him but most of the time it starts me sobbing.  I've noticed that the more hours I have when I'm busy & focused on what I'm doing at the moment, the more I sob & cry out when I remember that he's gone forever.  The new year has been the worst time for me although he died in the fall (October) because it's the biggest desert of time without an oasis with my beloved.  

Comment by Nance63 on January 13, 2019 at 2:29pm

Thanks, Dianne in Nevada (first to welcome me 2 years ago, thanks!)  Yes, I do follow. My box says "stop following, which I do not click on!  Just don't get them all. Not sure why. Maybe it's just our carrier? <shrug> 

Shelley, all I can do is nod in understanding.  Same... every so often I just burst into tears.  It can be random out of the blue, sometimes triggered by an obvious thing, other times not.   Part of life, now. I'm sorry  you experienced that while working with the kids, and felt so drained after! 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on January 13, 2019 at 1:59pm

@Nance63 & @shelley:  Have you clicked on the "Follow" link that you see just below the comment entry box? That should get all posts sent to the email you used when you joined Widowed Village.

We do have plans to move our site to a new hosting platform. I'm hopeful that change will make some significant improvements to the site. Stay tuned!

Comment by shelley on January 13, 2019 at 1:53pm

I also get posts randomly.  

Regarding the journey:  I was at work this past Wednesday (I work in a school-age after-school childcare program) and I felt fine, not sad, not thinking about John.  Actually, I'd had several good days, thought maybe I was turning a corner.  Then all of a sudden with no warning, out of nowhere (I thought), when I was handing out snack to the kids- I just started crying.  Not sobbing but crying hard.  Couldn't stop.  Felt completely exhausted.  Wasn't sure I could drive home.  Yuck.

Comment by Nance63 on January 13, 2019 at 1:11pm

Not sure why it is I get SOME of these posts notifications and not others.  I saw HockeyDogs post about disorientation and wanted to agree.  I think the death of a spouse is so jarring, it's something that completely knocks you off kilter. Like the ground has shifted beneath you and you just can't seem to right yourself easily anymore. I found it scary for a very long time. It's been almost exactly 2.5 years.  I have had ups and downs.  Life cycles round and round. The holidays, the kids growing, new babies coming, birthdays passing...  Things happen that bring it all back to the surface, sometimes bringing flashbacks that I can now pick apart and consider details I hadn't looked so closely at before.  My husband's death made me look at things differently, also. I am incontrovertibly altered.  I can still get very sad, but not inconsolable. And even though ours was not a romantic, love of my life, soul mate type of relationship, when asked recently if I'd consider dating, I had to admit that the idea of it still felt like an alternate universe.   That's just me...

Comment by Melissa on January 13, 2019 at 11:00am

HockeyDogs, you make perfect sense. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Annie sounds like an amazing woman, strong and healthy. It must be incredibly disorienting to suddenly lose someone so healthy. None of us are prepared, but I imagine you would be less prepared than most.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but yes. Time stands still while speeding by. The minutes are long, but the months are short.

It's good that you're at peace with Annie's passing. That's a real blessing. The absence is the hardest thing and one I can't imagine ever not hating.

I wish you comfort on this terrible journey.

Comment by HockeyDogs on January 13, 2019 at 8:38am

I can relate to what a lot of you are saying. I lost my partner of 25+ year last May. She sustained a catastrophic brain injury in a bike crash while training for her 2nd Ironman. She died 21 hours after impact. Truly the love of my life. It was a normal Wednesday night until it wasn't. In some ways, time has stood still since the moment I got the phone call. In other ways, time is speeding by in a way that frightens me. Despite having made significant progress on getting getting my feet back under me, the one word that most captures my post-Annie experience so far is: disorientation. There isn't an aspect of life that hasn't changed. I'm at peace with her passing but I hate her absence, if that makes any sense at all.

Comment by KJPE on January 8, 2019 at 8:35pm

Hi Allan, I too just got through the first holidays, my husband's birthday, & New Year's Eve without him.  Now that the new year has started, and I am back to ordinary life with no big events on the horizon, I too am feeling his absence more keenly than ever (although I lost him only 3 months ago as of this Friday).  There is something about the new year that has really triggered my grief.  Perhaps this helps to explain why you "can't move ahead."  You have been moving ahead but this new year has really activated my grief, perhaps you too?  Let's see what healing is possible as the days of 2019 continue....I'll be checking in here.

Comment by Melissa on January 8, 2019 at 11:46am

I'm sorry, Allan_sch. Eight months is still new, but the shock is wearing off. From my own experience, and talking to other widows/widowers, this is the time it all starts to seem real.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You wouldn't expect to be moving ahead eight months after a devasting injury, for example. You would be kind to yourself and try to eat well and get plenty of rest.

I know it's a cliche, but we just have to take baby steps. If you look at where you are now compared to where you were eight months ago, you'll see how far you've come. It's still so hard and will continue to be hard, but it will get better.

We can do this together. Keep thinking about the wonderful memories and try to smile. Your wife loved to see you smile.

I wish you all the best.


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