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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1688
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Discussion Forum

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Melissa on Friday. 11 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Crabby Oct 14. 4 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

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Comment by Broken Diva on October 6, 2018 at 7:37am

OMG Bundles549!  You really are living my life!!   I read your other posts about your cousins visiting and NOT BRINGING ANYTHING!  Expecting you to make something to eat???  Really???  Just because it is three years after your husband died doesn't mean that it is easy!  Especially when you are taking care of your mother!  Don't people get it??  That you need respite.....Why can't people just be kind??  Also you mentioned about having flashbacks of your previous life with your husband....I do that too...and they are intrusive and unwanted at the time.  They make me sad.  People say "Oh it's so nice you had a nice life with him and you think about him."  Not!  They just don't get it.  Karma is a bitch.  Not that I wish how I feel on anyone, but come on!

Comment by rm2121 on October 6, 2018 at 6:54am

My life feels as if it’s spiraling out of control. One thing after another. My younger sons teacher said that I could drop him in class 10-15 minutes early as her son sits in the class with her on the computer. I get an email yesterday that she no longer wants to have him coming to class earlier. 

My husnbad was an amazing dad and did the drop off and pick ups. We don’t have family since they abandoned us, no close friends willing to help or that live close by. I’m struggling to survive - 18DAED2B-78FC-411C-89BF-0C537BE9B49D.jpeg

Comment by Bundles549 on October 6, 2018 at 6:53am

BrokenDiva, you are living my life! 3 years coming up on Monday. When my husband died I saw no future. Now I see a future...but it looks lonely. I feel like an after thought to everyone. Doesn't anybody like me antmore??If I died tomorrow, who would really miss me? The patients that I see at the clinic where I work, tes. The rest of the world, who knows?

Comment by Broken Diva on October 6, 2018 at 6:30am

alwayssmilemichele,

I understand your anger!  It's been 4 years since I lost the love of my life suddenly.  Found him on the floor upstairs - it was a heart attack.  I still feel angry mostly at other people who don't understand.  I don't think people, including your family, understand unless they've been through it. Don't you think it makes a difference not having any children?  I read posts on here talking about kids and grandkids and think at least you have them!  I felt abandoned just like you.  I too feel the need to isolate myself from my old life - it makes me too sad....You mentioned your siblings who have their own lives and family. Did you get any support from them at all?  I didn't...The shock of that is still overwhelming....which makes me angry.  A month after my husband died, my sister in law told me that "i have to move on!'  My husband and I hosted every holiday at our house for 15 years and to date, I haven't been invited once to any of their houses for holidays.  They have their own family celebration?!  I am also taking care of my elderly mother (my dad, her husband died a year after my husband) and my siblings don't help at all!  Unbelievable.  Actually at fIrst they thought they would come to my house since my mother is here for holidays and I would still prepare meals, celebrate, etc.!  No!

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 6, 2018 at 5:57am

Thanks Clare. Yes, that is the biggest problem, isn't it?  I'm sure that is my true source of anger.  Loss of my beloved and our future.  I hope I can let the anger go in time.

Comment by Clare on October 6, 2018 at 4:29am

I get the anger, alwayssmilemichele. I found my husband on my doorstep in September last year (aortic dissection, so sudden and unexpected). I'm so angry my youngest son is going to grow up not knowing him. I had to move. I know people say don't make any rash decisions in the first year but my hand was forced. I had to move out of the place I was living and moved pretty far away for financial reasons. Although I managed to create our dream house (the one my husband and I always planned) I'm angry he doesn't get to share it with us. He was an exceptional father and I get angry with strangers/fathers in the street if they yell at their kids, as they get to live and he's gone. Moving is/was a good thing, I think, but it doesn't solve my biggest problem ... that I don't have him anymore.

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 5, 2018 at 8:29pm

2.5 years since I came home to find Bob dead  on the garage floor from a stupid careless accident.  3 years last week since my mother died.  Still can't believe how ANGRY I am.  Still comes to me in waves at times.  No kids, older siblings who all have their own lives and family.  Feel like my friends have abandoned me....actually most likely  I pushed them all away.  Got into a relationship within 4 months after losing my husband of 27 years....didn't last but did propel me forward and made me realize that I want a new life. A life far far away from here.  Why do I feel the need to isolate myself from my old life?  I had a good marriage, a really good life. Why am I still so angry?  Thanks for reading my rant!

Comment by laurajay on October 5, 2018 at 3:31pm

Shelley.  You are welcome.  Experience  with  similar  dread  at not visiting  a funeral home  to pay respects  to one  of my husband's  relatives  who died  not  too long  after  my husband left  me  with  a too  difficult  decision as a new  widow  years ago. Because  the relative  had  come  to pay respects to my father  ( whom  he did not know)   many  years prior--   I struggled  badly with  forcing  myself  to go...because  of  and in respect  for my beloved  father  I did  make  the  visit.  But  the  anguish  and  fear  were  overwhelming beforehand.  I told  myself  as  I told you...I was  in charge  of going  and  of leaving when  I chose  to-  it worked  for  me.  Trust  it will work  for you.                     lj

Comment by Senecagirl on October 5, 2018 at 12:56pm

Hi everyone i havent been on here in awhile but today marks 10 months for me losing keith..we were together 31.5 years. What a journey this has been for me. I had to separate myself from my parents to grieve and heal on my own. They couldnt help me and made things worse..i have some guilt but i know i had to choose myself over them for me to be able to become the new me that i have to be now. The journey has been long and hard but i am seeing the light again. I am only 52 and still have much life to live. I started dating a couple of months ago..which felt so good to just have some human contact and feel sexy again. And hey what 52 yr old woman wouldnt want the attention of some young hot guys. It was fun and fullfilled a need. Then an amazing thing happened someone i have known thru work and who worked for us contacted me and invited me to meet his friends and hang out in his tiki bar. I went and that night changed everything. Towards the end of the evening he planted a kiss on me that was like fireworks. He looked in my eyes and said i got you i am here for you i will take care of you. To say the least it was the begining of my new chapter. We have been seeing eachother for 3 wks now. Our shared history and his friendship and love for my late husband and the respect he has for our marriage is beautiful. He loves me and doesnt want me to say it until i am absolutely sure. I feel so safe and sexy and special and loved. It all makes sense now. I can hear keith saying " of course Dave loves you and will take care of you like i did Steph..i want you to love and be loved" i have a peace in my heart about keith. No one can replace him..no one can take away those magical years. But God made our hearts with an infinite capacity for loving and being loved. There is no too full with our hearts. They grow with our journeys. I feel so fortunate to know that i have a future that will be full of love again. I am feeling it already. I see it. Thoughts that i never could have believed before. To love and be loved again. I know many of you cant imagine that it can happen for you..it can and i am just at the beginning. I know this is what keith would want for me no doubts at all. We all deserve to be loved and love again. I am so happy that i didnt close my heart up..which felt at times to be the easier way. I hope my story resonates with some of you..because there is light at the end of these tunnels...no timetables..just being open to live again. My new life story chapter began with a kiss and fireworks i wish that for all of you no matter what your age. God Bless you all. Stephanie

 

Comment by shelley on October 3, 2018 at 7:42pm

laurajay, such excellent advice.  I was leaning in that direction.  Everything you said is so true and spot on. Thank you!

 

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