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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1719
Latest Activity: on Friday

Discussion Forum

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 on Thursday. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by KJPE May 12. 10 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by ForeverMourning May 11. 5 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

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Comment by Tess on March 12, 2019 at 12:32pm

Lostandlonely,

I see you're getting some excellent advice to keep coming back here and posting your feelings. If you are having a hard time, go into the chat room and look for a responsive ear.

Losing a spouse 45 years is a lot to contend with. What I came to realize is that the loss itself is devastating, but there is a whole lot of collateral damage that people rarely speak about. Becoming responsible for things that were not a concern before is a big adjustment. That is what I am encountering. It's the "where do I go from here?" mess. Please don't feel badly or compare yourself to where others may be. You then just pile more expectations on yourself that you don't need.

There is no textbook of surefire steps to move foreward, just advice and experience. Take it all in and see what you can use. Take baby steps. Don't overwhelm yourself.

Hugs to you. Deep breaths and a hot bath are in order.

Comment by LandL (Linda) on March 12, 2019 at 9:42am

How do you move on?  It's been 4 years since my husband died so suddenly.  We were married 45 years.  I have done all the things we're supposed to do to try to get on with life, but I feel I am getting worse. I suffer from extreme anxiety which does not help. I am on medication and see a therapist. I know most of you are not as far along as I am, yet you all seem to be doing so much better.  I was so strong when my husband was here, but am now so weak and afraid of being like this for the rest of my life.  I'm 68, but my mother and all her sisters lived to be very old. There are no grief groups in my area, but I thank you all in this group for listening.  I'm desperate.  

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 6, 2019 at 10:22am

"Expectations" of family, friends & strangers can lead to more hurt feelings - School of Hard Knocks for Widows ...
I'm given far more condolences now than in my first year because it is safe to do so ...
Care for your grieving self - this your "now" ...

Comment by Melissa on March 2, 2019 at 1:49pm

I hear what you're saying, Crabby. 

It doesn't help to hear people say, "Oh, you'll feel so much better in x number of years" when you're just trying to get through today. It's meaningless. It does not apply to you. You can't think about years in the future. You're too busy wondering how you're going to get to the market when your head aches so badly from crying all day.

Someone else said that when a sentence starts with "at least . . .", it's not going to be helpful to you. 

There's just nothing easy about any of this, and I'm so sorry.

Comment by Crabby on March 2, 2019 at 6:43am

Hi SweetMelissa,

I get what you are saying - further down the road, further into my healing, when I am faced with insensitive comments, it won't bother me as much.  I am sure that is true. However, the message remains the same. "At least you're still young."  That implies that finding the love of your life on the floor with eyes half open and a bluish face somehow isn't THAT bad because, after all, you're still young and will find someone else. That there is some kind of silver lining to losing this beautiful man who I've been with for 40 years. It also demeans older widows and widowers, implying that they won't find someone else.  How old I was when my husband suddenly passed away has nothing to do with anything. I strongly believe that even though she and other people who make insensitive comments may mean well, they need to think about what the message implies.  

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 2, 2019 at 4:25am

In defense of the DMV employee - I am w/her after 11 1/2 years ...
This explanation is not to shame anyone, but to say "been there, done that, now I understand" ...
It is difficult to comprehend the meaning of what others are saying & demonstrating when grieving, more so when it's raw. It is the look & sound of a healed heart, at peace, taking life's tragedies in stride. The loss of a loved one is never forgotten, however, past emotions are no longer paralyzingly bound tightly to them in living in the "now". It is similar to giving birth, the pain is forgotten. Seems inconceivable this could happen in the future, however, this is your "now". Most grief processing & healing goes unnoticed for long periods. Sometimes its due to the demanding self wanting the pain to stop to quantum leap into the future of happiness ...
My assigned Victim Advocate, a former widow, made me want to choke her down every time we gathered. We were together for 3 years during the first trial in the death of my husband for the road rage driver who killed him. Having been a former probation officer, I understood how court employees behaved & the function of the system to behave accordingly. However, it did not soothe my overbearing need for emotional support from Sylvie. She spoke as if the past 20 years since her husband's death had been filled w/blessings I could not even imagine to be possible or true. Sylvie was pregnant when widowed at the age of 20, married at 25 lost her widow's benefits - birthed 3 kids, divorced & remarried birthed 2 more kids. Divorced w/no work skills, welfare, struggled financially while attending school, years after her graduation finally landed employment at the courthouse. For 3 years, every time she reiterated her story it felt like a knife ripping though my heart - I was angry, exhausted, without filters & a widow brain that took take days & weeks to process information. By year 8, I was able to attend court for the next following 4 years w/out my heart strings pulling me down - rationally, everything about Bob's death made sense as well as the road rage driver's narcissism. The take aways were believing the unbelievable healing that she had experienced as well as caring for my widow brain to not allow it to lead me into temptation seeking a cure. Sylvie's 5 children made her take stock of her life as did my 3 kids in the time that came in the forthcoming years. Parenting was a job, then it became all it was meant to be when I became present to its loving benefits ...
My first years were spent trying to make sense of everything, routinely discharging pain & soothing myself w/physical modalities applied to me as well as the use of spiritual guidance. All done, but not forgotten ...
Remembrances are stored in our memory banks. After healing, life cannot be lived in the past to be brought to fruition ...
Time heals, it just depends on what you do w/your time ...
This is all far ahead of your "now" time, but I hope this help you move on or tuck this issue away for another day ...

Comment by jlsrdh on March 1, 2019 at 8:20am

Crabby thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry you received that comment from the woman at DMV.

You are correct, there is no silver lining with the loss of a spouse. I think You should never compare or comment on another widows grief. It is as individual as your love of your spouse. When your one great love dies, you are not looking to replace that person. At least I’m not. I also agree with your comment, “you would think they would understand.” Unfortunately some do not. I’m like you not even a year into this horrible journey, slowly finding my way. Yes, raw is a great way to state the emotions of grief. 

Hugs to you and I hope you eventually find some peace and comfort 

jlsrdh

Comment by Crabby on March 1, 2019 at 7:39am

jlsrdh - I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had similar encounters with other widows, and it makes me wonder why they would say such things. I get that everyone's grief is different, but still, you would think they would understand what not to say, and what not to do. Just the other day I had to go to Motor Vehicles to have the title on my car transferred from my husband's name to my name. When the clerk asked why I was having it changed, I explained that my husband passed away. She went on to tell me her story, and about how her husband passed away. Then she said to me, "At least you are still young." I just looked at her, stunned that she is a widow and would say something like that, as if there is some kind of silver lining here. As I read on Soaring Spirit's Facebook page, if it starts with "At least..." then don't say it. I also feel like some women who have been a widowed for quite some time forget how raw it can be for us.

Hugs to you!

Comment by laurajay on February 21, 2019 at 7:04pm

jlsrdh….two things   came  out of your encounter I believe.  One,  you were there for the woman to talk to-it had nothing  to do with consoling  you  and every  thing to do with  listening  to her  need  to talk. It was unexpected, unpleasant and  annoying  but  you did provide  a listening ear-that was kind of you even if unintended.  It shows  you are  thoughtful  even in your own grief. A good  attribute!    Two,  you learned  quickly  what you do not  want or  need as a  widowed woman  at least for now  and  you were  ready to dismiss it  and not let  her  get to you twice.  Strength.   I don't  know  why  you posted  her story  here  except describe  how  annoying it  was  to have it dumped  on you.  If you see  her  again  you might plan on letting her know  your  yoga  attendance is  time  you make  to get  out of the  widow mode and you do not  want  widow  discussion  before, during  or after  yoga  time-  Part of your  recovery  plan.   You hope she understands.  If she  goes  on...walk  away...if she  apologizes  accept it  but  don't  let it happen anymore. There are people  who think  you automatically  like  and welcome  widow talk and those  people  have to be asked  to refrain  from such talk.  You do not have  to explain.  She  is who she is and  does  what she does  with her  own reasons.  You are  the same.  You now know  to nip  such  talk  in the bud  and  you will.   Some people  would  welcome  such a busy body....so  I'd  suggest let  it go.  Consider what  you  learned and move on.  Anger  and hurt  are tiring!   Letting  it  go restores  your  energy.    Acknowledge  no "bug"  status, ever again.   Peace  and hugs  back at you      lj

Comment by Melissa on February 9, 2019 at 12:10pm

Shelley! What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing it. That gives me so much hope.

Your dad loved you so much. I'll bet he looked at that picture of you every day. 

Wow. That is so powerful. Thank you again.

 

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