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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1711
Latest Activity: Apr 13

Discussion Forum

Heard on old tv show.

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Solsticeowl Mar 26. 4 Replies

Since Tom died, I watch a lot of tv. It’s noise in a very silent house. I have on the DVR numerous shows, new and old. One of the old shows is Murder, She Wrote.If your remember the show, and I do,…Continue

The Shock Has Worn Off

Started by GrievingandLost37. Last reply by KJPE Mar 25. 10 Replies

The shock of losing my husband has slowly worn off.  I am left with the reality that he is never coming home.  I will never hear his voice again.  He will never walk in the door of our home.  While…Continue

How can the sun still shine?

Started by Solsticeowl. Last reply by Solsticeowl Mar 23. 9 Replies

I lost my husband on 2/22/19.  We had only been married 3 years and together almost 7, but it felt like we lived 20 years - happily - in that time.  The number of near misses of almost meeting is…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by DIVA70 Mar 21. 8 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

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Comment by Frank on April 5, 2019 at 10:23pm

I agree with you Jlrdh,

I have gone through much the same thinking process since Susan passed 6 years ago.  Once I was able to accept my loss, truly accept it, it's only been lately that as I rebuild Frank as a single person, that I think back to before Susan.  I had friends, I cooked, cleaned, studied, and worked my way through my job in the navy and enjoyed it.  Now I'm doing it again "somewhat older" but I did it once, I need to do it again and get comfortable with my new lifestyle.  I can do it again!

Hugs

Frank

Comment by jlsrdh on March 24, 2019 at 9:22am

his death was 8/20/18

Comment by jlsrdh on March 24, 2019 at 9:21am

last week was 7 months since Toms death 8/28/18. At 4:30 on the morning on the 19 these thoughts just started rolling around in my head. I did write them down that morning. 

So, for the first 22 years of my life I went to school, lived at home, and did all the things you do with family or school friends. At 22 when I graduated college I moved from Oregon to Ca, not knowing a soul. I thought I was so grown up, mature, starting my life as an adult. It was a lonely, frightening time, but this was what I had wanted to do for years.

So, I met Tom and a year later we were married. So for the next 39 years, as I actually grew up and matured I was part of a great team. We had great strength together, love, happy and sad times. So 2/3 of my life was as a duo, this is what I learned to be part of. Now, 7 months later my thoughts are that I'm an actual grownups, and I have developed great maturity over all the years. My love is still present, but it has changed from being expressed externally to internal thoughts of memories of our life together. The strength we had as a team has changed to a singular strength of things I've managed to do myself. Sadness is always lurking in the background, but happiness does the same thing. My life that I knew for 39 years is totally gone, but parts of "me" are still the same. It's almost like my life at age 22 were I was alone, living in a new town. It's a frightening thought, but now I'm older and more mature. That is a fact, and this is now my life everyday. I"ll survive and manage to figure out these challenges that will pop up for the rest of my life. If you look at time realistically, first 22 years at home, next 39 with Tom, well that leaves the last 20 plus years remembering what was. Sounds terrible when you write it like that. Unfortunately it's the truth. I was a we and now I'm a me.

jlsrdh

Comment by Lostandlonely (Linda) on March 24, 2019 at 7:18am

At 4 years, rather than feeling adrift on a raft, I feel more like I'm wandering in the desert, alone and with no direction.  My purpose in life was always my husband and family, along with my work in special education for 35 years.  I was married for 45 years.  I'm retired, my husband is gone, and my children are busy with their own lives and families, so my purpose is gone, and I can't seem to find a new one. I would love to have a "calm inner self".  Laurajay, I don't see growing old alone as a mixed blessing.  I feel so detached from the rest of the world without my husband, actually I feel invisible.  I live in a small town without any resources for widows, and the only widowed friends I have are online.  My old friends have moved on in their lives and I'm tired of pretending I'm fine around them, so I don't see them that often.  I will live out my life alone, as my husband was my one and only.  I pray for guidance as I wander through this life that I never expected.  All I want is peace and contentment, but I haven't gotten there yet.  I'm not wallowing in self pity, I'm just lost and lonely.  This is the only place I can just be honest about that.  And you are so right about this time of life (I'm 68)... who would have guessed?

Comment by laurajay on March 24, 2019 at 4:21am

Frank...who better  to find himself  adrift  on a raft  than a former  navy  man?   I reach  the 7th  year  anniversary  this  month  on the 30th....I know  yours  comes  later   this  year.   Long  time  our loved  ones have been gone...stories  have  been told  many  times...growing old  alone is a mixed  blessing .You  are  your own  boss for  setting  life  style  and  making  decisions  that work for  you without  compromise or sacrifice.  But  not  having  companionship  and  intimacy are things that  you  miss  as well.    Inner  peace  is not  to be taken lightly...because  with it  the  direction  we  are headed  in ~ peace  will make  the  transition  easier  when our  time  comes.     I  know  how  much  you love  your  location and  understand  your  reasoning for  being  there... It's just  reality  that  you  are not  likely  to meet a new companion being  so isolated especially  as you grow  older.  You  seem to still have  a lot of life  in you and  a  desire  to live  with purpose  but  not  necessarily alone.  Nothing  easy  about  this  time  of life... who would have  guessed?  

Comment by Frank on March 23, 2019 at 9:32pm

Hi Tess & All,

At this point,  I find myself adrift on a raft.  I find I have no purpose in life.  I've set some goals and things I "Aim" to do, but I find I've no real purpose in life.  I was stationed at NAS Jax, Florida, when Susan and I met on our blind date, I chatted a bit with her about my past, and that I'd been divorced. I'd received a "Dear John" letter in the middle of a 9 month MED cruise.  That was closely followed by a telegram from our neighbors wanting to know when I would be picking up my two boys from the couple my Ex had left them with.  Susan and I chatted into the wee hours of the night and the next day was Sunday.  I brought Susan and her son, Scott, to the carrier I was attached to for brunch and a tour.  Later on another date, Susan asked if it would bother me to give her a shot once in a while (She was a diabetic).  Having been an EMT for 10 years, I told her "Heck no, it would not bother me a bit to give HER a shot."

Then she told me that she'd been divorced 4 times.  That gave me pause... What did they see I that I was not seeing?  We continued to date and over the months that we dated, we became the best friends.  Scott liked me, and even her dog, "Black Satan" a 120 pound German Shepherd accepted me.  Then the navy sent me orders to a carrier home ported in Norfolk VA. I realized that somewhere during those months, that Susan was more than a best friend, that I loved her and wanted to marry her.  I asked, and she said Yes.  From then on I was determined to provide the best I could for Susan and Scott.  I worked hard to show her that I was not going to harm her as the others had, and we determined that our marriage was going to succeed where our others had not. Over the 35 years we both experienced a marriage of love and respect, of giving and taking.  My purpose in life was to love her, and care for her as she worked through the "Bucket List" of complications that Diabetes can cause.

With her gone, I've no purpose in life.  My life is empty and I'm adrift.  I have moved through Grief to "Acceptance" and on that acceptance, I've rebuilt my life as "Frank." I'm not experiencing Happiness as I did with Susan, but I've a calm inner self, and am "gliding through life" for now.

Hugs

Frank

Comment by Tess on March 21, 2019 at 9:22am

Frank, I hear what you are saying about a purpose from the above. I pray all the time that I will see, hear, or otherwise recognize my purpose when it is presented to me. I've wondered if I am missing it, as I too am afraid I am missing "hints" that may be in front of me.

I've gotten better at being a giving person and realizing that it is in giving that we receive. I probably know the full intention of that phrase now, as I didn't appreciate it as a younger person. That fact alone makes me feel that God is watching over and guiding me. Maybe that is all the message is and nothing more complicated.

Hugs to you.

Comment by DIVA70 on March 21, 2019 at 5:54am

Lostandlonely, I am sorry that you have to go through this but I understand. It has been almost eleven months since I lost my Tony and despite what I may look like to others I know I will never be the same. What you are feeling is just a part of this grief journey. Last week I had a complete meltdown. I was so depressed. I felt as if my heart would burst. In your comments you wrote that you pray constantly for God's guidance to help you reach acceptance. That's what I did during those moments and that's what I do whenever the despair seems so unbearable. Just doing that shows me that we are moving forward. And we must be intentional. I find that journaling has helped me so I started writing down the things that Tony would say to me if he could. The top five things I wrote were 1) Thank you Jackie for always being there for me. 2) Enjoy the rest of your life. God blessed us with 50 years and one day we'll be together again. 3)Take care of your health. You did a great job taking care of me. Now take care of yourself. 4) Do the things you always wanted to do. 5) Stop crying. I'm okay. For me this was calming and it gave me the push I needed to get up and get out of the house. For the first time since his departure I was able to go to the gym and walk the indoor track.(We used to do that together) I walked a mile and I didn't break down. Right now we are just existing but that's ok. We haven't given up and that's the key. I come here because you and others give me hope. Peace is on the way. Godspeed.

Comment by Lostandlonely (Linda) on March 21, 2019 at 5:19am

I have to admit that I am deeply depressed.  I try so hard, but I miss my husband still every day.  I do things to stay busy, but the loneliness is with me no matter what I do or who I'm with.  Waking up each morning is hell.  I can't even enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of coffee, which I love, because it makes my anxiety go through the roof. I haven't come to the point of understanding why God took my husband.  I pray constantly for his guidance to help me reach acceptance, but it doesn't come.  I get better as the day goes on, but the best time for me is when I go to bed at night and into the oblivion of sleep.  I have pleasant dreams.  But then I wake to this hell. I'm writing this in the morning, so I apologize for the downer.  I don't know if I can say I'm living, just existing.  Just as only widows understand widowhood, only those who suffer depression and anxiety understand their effects.  People think you can just pull yourself out , but their hold is so tight.  I'm glad for you and for all who are doing well.  Hopefully someday I can join you.  I would settle for just peace.

Comment by Frank on March 20, 2019 at 9:52pm

Hi,

I'm not really "Happy". "Content," maybe." I'm sort of in a waiting stage.  I've accepted that Susan has died and I am rebuilding "Frank" to exist in a life without her.  I've stepped out and either have done new things or refound old things to keep me busy.   I understand why the Good Lord called Susan home and that I'm to live on.  This understanding leaves me wondering what He has intended of me in the future.  Being somewhat shy, and really don't take "hints" I've told him that when it comes time he needs to smack me upside the head (so to speak) so that I get what he has in mind.  Until then I'm living life, and moving along .  I've accepted her death and all that it means for me as I "wander" along.

HUGS

Frank

 

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