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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1687
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Discussion Forum

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Lissa yesterday. 7 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Crabby yesterday. 4 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

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Comment by Melissa on June 25, 2018 at 2:32pm

Whitedoves9698, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. You've had a terrible thing happen, but please don't blame yourself. How could you possibly know? We all think back on what we could have or should have done, but it just makes things harder.

Nine weeks is so recent. You're grief is so fresh. Life is incredibly hard in the first months, but it will get easier. You have a safe place with us here, and we all understand how you feel. Please keep writing and sharing your feelings with us. I wish you peace and comfort.

Comment by Whitedoves9698 on June 25, 2018 at 1:51pm

Hello, sorry if this is a multiple post. Trying to figure out how to post on here. Lost my soulmate, best friend and confidant. He was everything to me. I miss him dearly. He had a heartattack and I feel insurmountable pain and guilt for sitting with him for an hour while he was in cardiac arrest and feeding him tums. How stupid of me. I feel terrible. I want so badly to go back in time and make all the right decisions so that he would be here today. I feel immense heaviness and pain. How could I let this happen? How could I be so dumb? It sickens me. Life is so hard without him. Life is unbearable and doesn't seem livable. 9weeks and the pain seems to progressively get worse. The more I miss him, the more real it becomes, the more I want him, the more I need him. The house is empty and I am alone. It doesn't help that he passed here. Its so difficult. we were together 24/7. We both worked from home. Now I work from home alone with memories of what used to be and what will never be. Our trip to Paris in July will never happen. Our move to NC will never happen. We were so happy. We waited and looked for each other for 10yrs. We were both incredibly happy. The best relationship I have ever had in my entire life....gone... in one hour. Everything.. gone

Comment by Melissa on June 21, 2018 at 11:11am

I'm so sorry about Marcus, shellybean.

I have done EMDR therapy in the past for other issues and found it very helpful. If you have a good therapist with a lot of experience, I would think it could be helpful. I'm not a doctor, but I think it's worth checking out. I wish you only good things.

Comment by shellybean on June 21, 2018 at 6:29am

My husband, Marcus, was killed in a work accident at a grain elevator on January 2, 2018. We hadn't even been married for 4 months. He was my soul mate. We had been high school sweethearts and reconnected in 2015. Til death do us part was not supposed to happen so soon :'( 

Has anyone in here done EMDR therapy due to the suddenness of their spouse's death?

Comment by Melissa on June 20, 2018 at 10:28am

Hello MomOfBoys.

I'm so terribly sorry about your loss. I don't know how we go on, but we do. My husband died almost eight months ago, and in the beginning I was sure I could not live. I think I managed for my children. I couldn't let them be orphans; I couldn't cause them any more grief.

I know it's a cliche, but you really do live one minute, one breath at a time. Just do the absolute minimum you have to do for now. Eat a little bit every day, even if you have no appetite. Drink lots of water. Grief is dehydrating. Sleep as much as you need to. Ask friends for help. They want to help; they just don't know how. 

Everything seems overwhelming; even the simplest tasks. I realized that the first couple of months of grief are just like recovering from an accident or severe illness. You have been broken, and you need to treat yourself as you would if you'd been very sick. 

You will make it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will do it. Your dear husband would want you to go on, your children need you, your friends and family love you. You also have us, here. We get it. We know how you feel. 

Sometimes you'll feel crazy. You're not. You'll be forgetful, so write things down if you need to. You will feel alone and lost. We all do. I still feel that way, even when I'm with friends. 

You will make it. You can do this. I know you can't imagine it now, but it does get better.

Keep in touch. We're here. I wish you comfort and strength.

Comment by MomOfBoys (Tammi) on June 19, 2018 at 2:28pm

Thank you.  Who knew grief was *this* hard.

I hae lost grandparents, etc and that you can actually move on. This?  Big fat no!

I do have three boys as well who live me and it is a comfort.  But I still feel so alone and lost

Thank you all for the kind welcome.

Comment by AML on June 19, 2018 at 1:02pm

MomOfBoys, I'm sorry you're here.  I lost my husband almost 8 months ago very suddenly.  He was active, seemingly in good health, no symptoms, and collapsed while jogging and was gone almost instantly.  I can understand how you feel like you can't go on.  In the early days and months all I could say was "I can't, I can't do this".  I have talked myself into "doing the next thing" every hour (sometimes minute) of everyday.  Some days that meant eating or just getting up and taking a shower or getting dressed.  I found a weekly support group which has helped.  I have three sons, 21, 18, and 15 that all live at home.  It has been a huge help and blessing to have them here with me.  Please know you are not alone.  Amy

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on June 19, 2018 at 8:40am

MomOfBoys being a Widow does not come with a users manual.  We all struggle through each day, especially in the beginning.  Do not be shy to ask for help.  I found I tried to handle everything myself.  Sometimes you just cannot handle it all.  I talk to Dennis all the time.  I know he hears me.  I often feel very much alone on this journey (I hate that word but do not know what to replace it with).  I found a group of Widowed people here in Tampa who have saved my life.  I hated feeling alone and they help with those feelings and even have made me (dare I say it) smile.  Much Love, Carol

Comment by MomOfBoys (Tammi) on June 19, 2018 at 8:28am

Hello,

My husband died unexpectedly, April 2, 2018, due to blunt head trauma after a fall.  He died instantly.

How does one go on?  Cause I feel like I just won't.

Comment by shelley on June 13, 2018 at 6:46pm

Thank you, Mrs.Hehar.  Yes, when I was in shock, I didn't have these thoughts.  Now that the veil has lifted a little, I find myself thinking he's still here somewhere.  Maybe I'm incorporating him into my current life.  Don't know.  I have had several people ask to buy my husband's car.  Can't do it.  Can't let it go.  

 

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