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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1723
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by sis May 31. 8 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by Mrs Bear May 22. 11 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 May 15. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by Tess on September 12, 2018 at 3:08pm

Hello Lost. I am so very sorry for your sudden, tragic loss. It must be such a shock to you.

One month is very recent. There is a fog that will be with you for a while. In many ways it serves as protective until you can sort things out.

I know you had your retirement years ahead of you both, so it is expected that you may feel robbed of those future precious years together.

I'm sending virtual hugs your way. Come back and post often.

Comment by Lost on September 12, 2018 at 11:42am

Hello.  I lost my love husband and best friend one month ago. He was only 61, in good health, we had both recently retired and we so happy.  I came out to our car where he was reading and waiting for me and found him. He had already started to turn blue and purple. His book was in his hands. They tried CPR for a long time with no success.  I am struggling to accept this still, I miss him so much, and I just can not imagine my life without him.

Comment by DIVA70 on September 10, 2018 at 9:07am

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. It has been four months since the love of my life made his transition to heaven. I was recently asked what I was going to do with the house. My reply was simple. Nothing. This is the house we built and have lived in together for 29 years. I too find comfort in our home. We often spoke about where our next home would be. You see we planned to live until we were at least a hundred. We had already picked out the independent living facility we wanted to live in if and when we were forced by old age or sickness to move. I see no reason to change those plans. I look forward to spending many more happy years in our home. In fact I recently had the landscaping redone and planted fresh flowers out front. He would have loved it! Yes, there are days when I am inconsolable and tears flow like a river.....but moving to another location would not lessen my sorrow. Here is where I feel the closest to my love. Here is where I can still recall the joy we shared during the 47 years that we were married. I know I am fortunate. I am able to financially make the decision to stay. He and I planned it that way and so far God has allowed me to live our plan. Each person has to make the right decision for himself/herself. For me the right decision is to stay and enjoy what we built together. May God continue to comfort you as you walk this road alone until you are once again united with your loved one.

Comment by shelley on September 10, 2018 at 9:04am

I can't imagine abandoning the mobile home in Santa Cruz because John loved it so much and it was where we were happiest and most intimate.  But I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life there without him.  It's a 1956 trailer and will probably fall apart if moved.  And John loved the people/friends in the trailer park and all the drama that takes place in the trailer park.  So if moved, the trailer would not hold the same meaning.  If I decide to plant myself in San Francisco, I can go back and forth from San Francisco to Santa Cruz.  Thinking about going home to Syracuse and being with family and old friends also feels good.  And then... I could go anywhere.  I could move to a small town and join a quilting club.  I could move to the mountains and go for long walks every day.  I could move to Florida where I have family and friends who moved there from Syracuse.  For three months  after John died, I could only leave the trailer to walk the dogs and run errands.  Slowly I would venture out to see friends in San Francisco.  John and I traveled often to various places in California and loved seeing small town communities.  It's just been in the past few weeks that I've realized that I can live anywhere.  And now I'm sad again thinking about living without him.  Oh well.  

Comment by Mike on September 10, 2018 at 8:16am

My wife died in December and I am in the same house we lived in for 29 years. For some reason I am very comfortable here. I don’t feel the need to move. There are memories here but they don’t weigh me down.  I think I would be as unhappy as I am in any place I went to. I also cannot imagine leaving this house we shared together. I think leaving would be hard for me. 

Comment by Tess on September 10, 2018 at 7:57am

Frank, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you had made some wonderful memories together in your retirement home before this happened.

That advice is certainly true as each person is an individual and the decision to move is dependant on so many factors. Unless a person is living with a financial burdon, or in a place that is not safe, I would say at least a year is fair.

I am approaching two years, on the 14th. I wanted so badly to be out of my house this year, but fate interceded and I decided I will stay another 9 months or so. It is so very hard to be surrounded by all of our memories of 28 years, but at the same time, it is a reminder of the tender time we shared here.

At this point, I can feel that there is a future closer to my daughter's that I am looking forward to. It will be hard to leave, but I think there is a new leaf waiting to turn for me.

And yes, Syracuse would be brutal for the winters. I hate PA as it is, and am going to DE. Oh, how I wished she lived further south or on the west coast : - 0


Comment by Frank on September 10, 2018 at 7:28am

My Susan went to sleep Sunday night and did not wake up Monday morning.  She died in her sleep from a silent heart attack.

There is a thought within our community that one should not make any major decisions in the first year.  The shock is so traumatic, that it takes that long for one to be able to function even minimally.  For some they should be told two or three years.  "It" affects us all, in varying degrees.  Usually the first thing we are asked, I know I was, "What are you going to do with the house?"   My kids asked me that within the first few days. I've known many who just cannot stand to live there with all the memories, and sell almost as fast as the house can sell.  Others tough it out and as they become more grounded, continue on or then sell. In my case this was a vacation/retirement home.  We did not live here day in an day out.  Neither one of us dragged the other up here to live the others dream. We both wanted to live up here equally.  I told the kids that I was not selling and that it would take the County Sheriff and a team of oxen to pry me out of here.  Six years (this December) later there are times when things touch my heart, that I wish she were here to share, but mostly I have settled into a routine.

I'm glad I chose to stay where our/my dreams are.

I'm from Upstate NY also, Greece NY, between Rochester/Buffalo right on the shores of the lake.  When I lived there we had one traffic light, in front of the fire house and it was flashing yellow and turned red when there was a call out.  Now that town is huge! 

Those first few winters would be murder for me if I were to move back to Syracuse!  lol



Comment by shelley on September 9, 2018 at 11:08pm

I am thinking about where I want to live, what I want to do.  I loved my work (school-age childcare); John was always asking me to work less, be with him more, and I loved my work, didn't want to work less.  Went back to work a few weeks ago (8/20 when school started in San Francisco) and I didn't like it.  Nothing's the same, no such thing as normal.  Don't know where I want to live, don't know what I want to do, don't know who I am.  I'm following the advice of others- no big changes in the first year.  It will be one year on November 10.  John loved living in Santa Cruz and we had/I have a mobile home there; we had/I have a home in San Francisco that I left to be where John was happiest in Santa Cruz; I have a wonderful family and old friends in Syracuse, New York where I could return to.  My sisters would like me to move back to Syracuse.  John and I had friends in San Francisco and in Santa Cruz but they contact me less and less.  Which is actually okay because I'm most comfortable right now with other widows/widowers.  Diamond Sky-  yes, I get it.  What now.  

Comment by Diamond Sky on September 9, 2018 at 10:49pm

Thank You Melissa and Shelley for Your comments. I am equally sorry for Your respective losses. It seems some feelings bear a common thread. I just returned home after being at a housesit for 2 weeks and feel like I cannot live here anymore and am trying to figure out where to go. I just cannot subject myself to being here with all the memories of my relationship and grief these past months... too difficult day in day at home and in this town. I just cannot take it. And my community vanished as well...its like something is ending for me here and it is an all-encompassing loss that is so overwhelming...I've worked so hard to build something here and it has been ripped away...and keeps falling away as my grief process unfolds...thanks for listening...

Comment by Melissa on September 6, 2018 at 8:11pm

Thank you, shelley. We walk this path together, and I wish you all the best as well.


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