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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1692
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Discussion Forum

Went to bed and didn't wake up

Started by Peacefrog. Last reply by jlsrdh yesterday. 10 Replies

 September 13, 2018 was like any other day, he worked out at the gym doing strength training like he had for the last three years. He picked up dinner on the way home steak and cheese hoagies.  It…Continue

Life goes on, but it’s so bloody hard

Started by Lal68. Last reply by Lal68 Nov 13. 4 Replies

My husband was 46 and died suddenly.  We thought he had the flu, took him to doctors Thursday and she thought the same. On Friday he had stomach pains so took him back to the doctors where he was…Continue

Random Thoughts on a Rough Weekend

Started by Crabby. Last reply by jlsrdh Nov 7. 13 Replies

Since my husband died 14 weeks ago, I now take 6 pills a day for anxiety and insomnia.  I still don't sleep.I hate eating alone.  I can't even figure out what to shop for or what to make. When I do…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Melissa Oct 18. 11 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

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Comment by Tess on April 17, 2018 at 2:55am

Sometimes I just hate technology. Shelley, I had an entire reply prepared. I needed to edit and couldn't find the feature to do that, just the x in the corner, which deleted my post. Anyway, I feel it's easy for a therapist to tell you to reprogram your brain, it's just not so easy to do. I tend to have feelings of guilt, not so much concerning my husband's death, but decisions I made in the past, that live on and on. If you find a trick to ceasing this behavior, let me know too! Peace and hugs to you.

Comment by Mike on April 17, 2018 at 2:18am

Shelley,

I think you should listen you therapist. After a while it’s important to let these things go.  

Comment by shelley on April 16, 2018 at 10:27pm

My therapist told me today that she thinks my thoughts of guilt (what I said, didn't say, what I did, didn't do in the weeks before my husband's death) are becoming obsessive.  If I had known that my husband was going to die, I wouldn't have ....  If I had known that my husband was going to die, I would have said ...  I have a running dialogue with myself about these things that I would do differently if I'd known my husband was going to die.  I thought that this guilt was just part of my grief.  But my therapist says no.  I dealt pretty well with the 'what if's'.  And that was a huge accomplishment.  My therapist says it's time to 'reprogram my brain', to stop automatically heading toward guilt, that this rut I'm creating will not help me grieve.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

Comment by shelley on April 16, 2018 at 7:27pm

Tjtango, Yes, Yes, Yes.  Know exactly what you mean.  

Comment by Tjtango on April 16, 2018 at 7:22pm

 I remember watching an episode of greys anatomy where one of the characters had just lost their mother and was being held and comforted while she cried.  I just started crying, staring at the tv, , thinking that not once since my husband passed have I been held like that and allowed to cry on someone’s shoulder.  It gets so tiring having to be the strong one all the time, when you just want to collapse into your husbands arms and have him tell you everything is going to be okay. Only now his absence is the very reason things are not.   

Comment by Cha Cha on April 16, 2018 at 1:56pm

Hello, wanted to stop by and introduce myself, I'm Charlene. Glad to have found this site even though it has been 5 yrs since my husband died I find relief in finally finding others who can understand the widowhood journey. 

Comment by Melissa on April 16, 2018 at 11:36am

Shelley, yes. I feel the same about 'The Year of Magical Thinking'.

When the person who has been an extension of your own body for decades is suddenly gone, at the time you most need to be held, is for me the cruelest part of this ongoing hell.

Comment by IBelieveInYou on April 16, 2018 at 11:22am

Shelley thanks for sharing that. I recently visited NYC (alone). Seeing the pools of water at the site of the world trade center towers was a moving experience for a number of reason, not the least of which was that those black pools with a huge, seemingly unending hole in the bottom are a useful representation of my grief that I use when someone needs to understand my pain. For me, there is a dark chasm that sometimes just opens beside me. 

Comment by shelley on April 16, 2018 at 11:16am

'The Year Of Magical Thinking' by Joan Didion has become one of my favorite books.  I've read it and re-read it countless times.  She says, 'Nor can we know ahead of the fact ... the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself.'  Unending absence.  Meaningless itself.  Yes.  

Comment by Lady v on April 15, 2018 at 8:46pm

Shelley, you write so beautifully about the intimacy of touch, the connection beyond words. it is four years since I lost my beloved and i still feel the empty space, the coldness of loss, the deep yearning. This grief, this deep soul pain, is the price of the deep connection of love. I feel the pain, i breathe, I cry, I walk I make it through the moments. My hear goes out to you. Lady V

 

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