Suddenly widowed

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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 25, 2012 at 12:08am

Noreen. I am so sorry for your loss. what you are going through is the hardest thing any one can. NO..it is NOT fair. but it is what has happened. the overwhelming sadness and disbelief you feel is what we all have felt. I wish i could take it away and make it better...oh how i wish i could.  please know, that we are here for you. come here to vent, or chat, or write your feelings or whatever you need to do. the sweet people here understand and have helped me through those days when i thought i just couldn't go on. (hugs)

Comment by Kiki8 on September 24, 2012 at 11:34pm

Bstngrl- I am so sorry for your loss. No life isn't fair at all.. My fiance Chris sounds a lot like your husband.. at least what Chris would have been in a few years.. our daughter was only 4 months old when he died.. and everyone loved him.. I don't remember the funeral much but I know it was packed and people were standing.  It horrific that such amazing people can be take away from families that love and need them without any explanation.  I hope you start to feel a little better soon

Comment by AmyN on September 24, 2012 at 11:04pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this...unfortunately I know exactly what you are going through...I cried through your post...I'm at 12 1/2 months and seriously don't know how I made it this far...I will pray for you...and your children. I do know this...we cannot go around this...we must go through it...it totally sucks...but I've learned to live in the moment...one day, one hour or sometimes one minute at a time...that's the only way...I will pray for you

 

Comment by Bstngrl on September 24, 2012 at 10:46pm

Hi Everyone-

My husband died 5 months ago.  I am still waiting for him to walk through the door, I don't feel like this is real.  April 20 1995 he asked me out, well he came out of the  bathroom at the bar showed me his claddagh ring and said "I turned mine around, you gonna"  On April 20, 2012 he said " I love you, call me when you get to work" 15 minutes later I was begging him not to leave me.  A neighbor found him in the car in front of our house, he wasn't responding.  I tried to save him, I had to have our 15 year old son help me get him out of the car.  I did chest compressions until the EMT's showed up but I knew he was gone, I felt it.  My whole body shut down, my best friend, the man I've loved my whole life was never coming back..  My life felt like it had just ended.

As much as I wanted to give up, I knew I couldn't, we have two children an 8 year old daughter who was always daddy's girl and son that just turned 16 yesterday, he always called him "my boy"  Our children have always been our #1, John(my husband) was born to be a dad, I've never met someone so dedicated to his children as he was.  I am so proud of the man he was and so glad that our kids got to witness how much he did for our community.  There were over 1500 people that came to his wake, we had to extend the hours because most people were waiting over an hour in line.  The next morning it was the same, the church was packed they had to open the doors onto the streets, shut down the main street..  It was an amazing tribute and I am so glad our kids got to witness that other people thought their dad was an amazing man just like they did..

I miss him, more than I ever thought possible.  The laugh, the goofy grin, standing on the front porch in his boxers to greet me when i worked late-he knew i'd shake my head and smile, his voice is what i miss the most he used to call me 10 times a day while i was at work, i would get so mad because sometimes he'd just call and say Hey or Whats up sexy but i would be in the middle of something or on my way in to a meeting.. Right now i would give anything to get hear that voice again telling me everything is going to be ok or at least telling me he's ok.. I know its not going to happen..

I feel worse today than i did when it happened, I'm not sure why but when it hit the 5 month mark i was sick, i couldn't breathe i was in bed crying for hours, i wouldn't do anything.  Our son turned 16 yesterday and it was bittersweet, for the first time in awhile i saw him crying and he just said he misses him so much.. My 8 year old doesn't talk too much about it but on occasion will just announce something random about what her and daddy used to do..  She loves to talk about him and everything he did but she never cries.  I do have both kids talking to someone but haven't found one for me, yet..

Sorry this is so long, once i started i couldn't stop..  I'm hoping this site will help me, because i don't think i can last much longer with all this pain..My heart is broken.. I'm 38, my husband was 42 this should not have happened..  Life is not fair sometimes.. 

Noreen

Comment by zee on September 24, 2012 at 6:40pm

Following posts resonated with me:

Kiki8  - “People say I am young and I will find someone else... I hate that” … ditto for me (although I’m not that young) plus I cringe when a friend says that and actually tries her matchmaking skills on me (I’m 2 years & 9 months out) – for someone who has not had an experience of a true, long-term relationship I tell her she is missing out in the ‘love arena’ – I found THE ONE so I tell her I should be the one looking for her match (she has since stopped matchmaking me).  

AEDForever (Ali) – “grief is not a series of "stages" that we go through, no, it is an up and down, gut wrenching "experience" – so very true…the hardest for me was the first 3 months of the 2^nd year, I felt that I was just starting to grieve, that losing my beloved just happened yesterday;  feelings of anger, emptiness, sadness come & go, within minutes, hours. Some days it’s not good, no joy. I come home, my two kitties wait for me, and I smile because of happy thoughts, reminders of our life together are everywhere and I’m all right. We had a good life.

Chris Schrerer – “But love will find you even though you are not looking for it, sometimes at times when you're not ready for it & usually when you are not expecting it” – that is how my love story started with my beloved ‘s – the chances of repeating in my lifetime is highly unlikely – but I am keeping an open mind although for now I am inspired by the late Lou Gehrig’s widow who was quoted as saying, "I had the best of it with Lou. I would not have traded two minutes of my life with that man for 40 years with another." They were married for nine years (we were married for 10 years & 7 months + 3 years of living together prior to being married).

Hang. In.There. No. Easy. Answers. Today. Let. The. Journey. Teach. You. About. Love. And Life. And Death.

Comment by AmyN on September 24, 2012 at 5:58pm

Funny! I have that quote hanging in my mudroom, so that when my son puts his shoes on, or is taking them off, he can see it! I also have it on facebook as my favorite quote...Christopher Robin said it to Pooh!

 

Comment by tanya on September 24, 2012 at 2:35pm

thanx suebru I love that quote. 

Comment by suebru (Sue) on September 24, 2012 at 2:17pm

When I catch myself second guessing myself (which is a daily thing these days), I am reminded of of a quote a friend sent: I  would like to make a gift to you, of a quote from A.A. Milne, author of Winnie-The-Pooh, "Promise me that you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Hugs to all my WV friends! Sue :-)

Comment by Chris Scherer on September 24, 2012 at 8:45am

Kiki8 - I was widowed at 28 (my 5 year anniversary is Thursday the 27th, actually) and shared similar thoughts as you.  My late wife (Sarah) and I were working on our first when she died & I envy your living, breathing reminder of your late spouse.  It certainly does present itself with challenges, though!  Anyways, when Sarah first died I told everyone that I wasn't going to go through that again & that Sarah was the perfect match for me, so I wasn't going to bother dating again.  But love will find you even though you are not looking for it, sometimes at times when you're not ready for it & usually when you are not expecting it.  Hang in there, "enjoy" the ride & keep an open mind.  :-)

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 23, 2012 at 11:21pm

((joellen)), (((brokenhearted))), so okay to have bad days, even bad weeks. i remember at first thinking how would i survive. and then i thought (because everyone told me so) that after 3 months i would be "okay". i had no idea that 7 months later i would still be going through the wringer some days. this is grief is not a series of "stages" that we go through..no, it is an up and down, gut wrenching "experience". but we can, and we do, survive it. there is a video from hospice i have posted on my page that is so great, she explains that our grief is not a 'stage"..that it is triggered by many things. this is not an "event" that you "get over" after a certain period of time. it is different for all of us, and it is complicated. try to treat yourself with the loving kindness that you would if this were happening to a good friend of yours.  ((hugs)) and love. ali.

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