Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Kiki8 on September 25, 2012 at 9:29pm

3 months today... took his best friend and the baby to the cemetery.  We left flowers... My first time there since the burial... I miss him so much

Comment by mtausch on September 25, 2012 at 1:31am

Bstngrl  I am so sorry for what happened to you and your children.  I lost my husband suddenly too.  We had an eight year old and a 17 year old at the time.  My son has just turned 11 and my eldest is 20 now.  He is in the Airforce and married.  I know that for me, my children's birthdays were very hard.  I think it was because I really felt the lose of my husband at those times more than others.  My children barely cried either.  I was really worried about both of them.  My eldest felt guilty for not being a better son and my little one just became very withdrawn.  They are both doing better now.  It had been two and a half years and a few weeks ago my little boy finally started playing with other children again during recess.  (He just sat on the sidelines for two and a half years.)  Sometimes my little son would get very angry for no obvious reason.  Children grieve differently than adults.  And it takes longer to show.    I still have a trouble remembering he is gone sometimes.  Life is good again though.  I am glad I am hear for my children and I am enjoying things again.  The first everything is very hard; first birthdays, holidays, buying a car, selling a car, going to a favorite restaurant, paying bills, etc.  It does get better.  I am glad I am still here though.  I wasn't when I was 5 months out.  Life just seemed so HARD.  I thought I wanted to be dead.  One day, about 5 months after my husband died, I was almost stuck by lightening and could have been killed.  At the time I was so frightened.  Then I realized that I didn't really want to die, or I won't have been so frightened by almost being killed.  That was a turning point in my life.  I really think God intervened in my life to show me the truth.  I have rambled on for quite a while and I don't know if anything I wrote made sense to anyone, but I am finally happy to be here, happy to be alive and thankful that I have a family that loves me.  Bless you and eat a good meal.  (I remember at five months I finally noticed the taste of food again.)

Comment by Jenny on September 25, 2012 at 12:56am

Noreen, I'm so sorry. My husband was one of the kindest, smartest, funniest people I have ever known. He was my best friend and my favorite person on this earth. I miss him so much every day. I'd like to share a quote : "You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never compeletly get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." - Anne Lamott

I know there will never come a day when I don't miss him.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 25, 2012 at 12:08am

Noreen. I am so sorry for your loss. what you are going through is the hardest thing any one can. NO..it is NOT fair. but it is what has happened. the overwhelming sadness and disbelief you feel is what we all have felt. I wish i could take it away and make it better...oh how i wish i could.  please know, that we are here for you. come here to vent, or chat, or write your feelings or whatever you need to do. the sweet people here understand and have helped me through those days when i thought i just couldn't go on. (hugs)

Comment by Kiki8 on September 24, 2012 at 11:34pm

Bstngrl- I am so sorry for your loss. No life isn't fair at all.. My fiance Chris sounds a lot like your husband.. at least what Chris would have been in a few years.. our daughter was only 4 months old when he died.. and everyone loved him.. I don't remember the funeral much but I know it was packed and people were standing.  It horrific that such amazing people can be take away from families that love and need them without any explanation.  I hope you start to feel a little better soon

Comment by AmyN on September 24, 2012 at 11:04pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this...unfortunately I know exactly what you are going through...I cried through your post...I'm at 12 1/2 months and seriously don't know how I made it this far...I will pray for you...and your children. I do know this...we cannot go around this...we must go through it...it totally sucks...but I've learned to live in the moment...one day, one hour or sometimes one minute at a time...that's the only way...I will pray for you

 

Comment by Bstngrl on September 24, 2012 at 10:46pm

Hi Everyone-

My husband died 5 months ago.  I am still waiting for him to walk through the door, I don't feel like this is real.  April 20 1995 he asked me out, well he came out of the  bathroom at the bar showed me his claddagh ring and said "I turned mine around, you gonna"  On April 20, 2012 he said " I love you, call me when you get to work" 15 minutes later I was begging him not to leave me.  A neighbor found him in the car in front of our house, he wasn't responding.  I tried to save him, I had to have our 15 year old son help me get him out of the car.  I did chest compressions until the EMT's showed up but I knew he was gone, I felt it.  My whole body shut down, my best friend, the man I've loved my whole life was never coming back..  My life felt like it had just ended.

As much as I wanted to give up, I knew I couldn't, we have two children an 8 year old daughter who was always daddy's girl and son that just turned 16 yesterday, he always called him "my boy"  Our children have always been our #1, John(my husband) was born to be a dad, I've never met someone so dedicated to his children as he was.  I am so proud of the man he was and so glad that our kids got to witness how much he did for our community.  There were over 1500 people that came to his wake, we had to extend the hours because most people were waiting over an hour in line.  The next morning it was the same, the church was packed they had to open the doors onto the streets, shut down the main street..  It was an amazing tribute and I am so glad our kids got to witness that other people thought their dad was an amazing man just like they did..

I miss him, more than I ever thought possible.  The laugh, the goofy grin, standing on the front porch in his boxers to greet me when i worked late-he knew i'd shake my head and smile, his voice is what i miss the most he used to call me 10 times a day while i was at work, i would get so mad because sometimes he'd just call and say Hey or Whats up sexy but i would be in the middle of something or on my way in to a meeting.. Right now i would give anything to get hear that voice again telling me everything is going to be ok or at least telling me he's ok.. I know its not going to happen..

I feel worse today than i did when it happened, I'm not sure why but when it hit the 5 month mark i was sick, i couldn't breathe i was in bed crying for hours, i wouldn't do anything.  Our son turned 16 yesterday and it was bittersweet, for the first time in awhile i saw him crying and he just said he misses him so much.. My 8 year old doesn't talk too much about it but on occasion will just announce something random about what her and daddy used to do..  She loves to talk about him and everything he did but she never cries.  I do have both kids talking to someone but haven't found one for me, yet..

Sorry this is so long, once i started i couldn't stop..  I'm hoping this site will help me, because i don't think i can last much longer with all this pain..My heart is broken.. I'm 38, my husband was 42 this should not have happened..  Life is not fair sometimes.. 

Noreen

Comment by zee on September 24, 2012 at 6:40pm

Following posts resonated with me:

Kiki8  - “People say I am young and I will find someone else... I hate that” … ditto for me (although I’m not that young) plus I cringe when a friend says that and actually tries her matchmaking skills on me (I’m 2 years & 9 months out) – for someone who has not had an experience of a true, long-term relationship I tell her she is missing out in the ‘love arena’ – I found THE ONE so I tell her I should be the one looking for her match (she has since stopped matchmaking me).  

AEDForever (Ali) – “grief is not a series of "stages" that we go through, no, it is an up and down, gut wrenching "experience" – so very true…the hardest for me was the first 3 months of the 2^nd year, I felt that I was just starting to grieve, that losing my beloved just happened yesterday;  feelings of anger, emptiness, sadness come & go, within minutes, hours. Some days it’s not good, no joy. I come home, my two kitties wait for me, and I smile because of happy thoughts, reminders of our life together are everywhere and I’m all right. We had a good life.

Chris Schrerer – “But love will find you even though you are not looking for it, sometimes at times when you're not ready for it & usually when you are not expecting it” – that is how my love story started with my beloved ‘s – the chances of repeating in my lifetime is highly unlikely – but I am keeping an open mind although for now I am inspired by the late Lou Gehrig’s widow who was quoted as saying, "I had the best of it with Lou. I would not have traded two minutes of my life with that man for 40 years with another." They were married for nine years (we were married for 10 years & 7 months + 3 years of living together prior to being married).

Hang. In.There. No. Easy. Answers. Today. Let. The. Journey. Teach. You. About. Love. And Life. And Death.

Comment by AmyN on September 24, 2012 at 5:58pm

Funny! I have that quote hanging in my mudroom, so that when my son puts his shoes on, or is taking them off, he can see it! I also have it on facebook as my favorite quote...Christopher Robin said it to Pooh!

 

Comment by tanya on September 24, 2012 at 2:35pm

thanx suebru I love that quote. 

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