Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Karen (funnybne) on April 14, 2013 at 5:41am

I so understand the weekend thing. We didnt do much on weekends but the things we did do we did together. On Sunday evenings we went bowling,we belonged to a couples league and it was our "date night". It was something fun to do. I was never very good but Jim was an awesome bowler,in his bowling carreer he had 5 perfect games and an 800 series. I was so very proud of him. He would always congradulate me on my games ,even tho I would barely break 100.He always had kind things to say and would try so hard to coach me. I miss him so much. I dont go bowling anymore,the league we belonged to for years allowed me to quit for the season as I just couldnt bear to go on without Jim. I couldnt bear to go to the bowling alley every week alone. I hate doing anything alone. Things here are breaking and falling apart or just not working. Everything seems to go at once. The pump,the pressure tank,the hot water tank,plumbing problems, the list goes on and on. Jim kept things going here,he always could fix anything. SOmetimes it was a duct tape/coat hanger fix but whatever, he managed to make it work. I miss his imagination, he could figure things out so easily. He was so good at improvising. We never had much money so he always found a way to take care of things with whatever he had laying around. I used to complain about him never throwing anything away. He always said "ya never know when I may need it". Our yard looks like a scene from Sanford & Son but because he saved everything he always was able to fix things or replace something. He once built a logsplitter fromthings he gathered,salvaged oor had lying around. The total cost was about $300. He built it probably 7 or 8 years ago and we still have it. Yep, he was amazing and I am heartbroken because he isnt here with me.The lonliness is almost unbearable.Nights are the worst,the silence is way to loud. They keep telling me time heals all wounds, I just wish I could fast forward to healed. It feels like this will be forever lonley. I think it's just the way it will be,alone,sad and sometimes angry. I thank goodness every day for this site,I dont chat as much as I used to, I dont want to be a crybaby everytime I go into chat. But I do visit the site daily and read alot of posts and blogs, so many of them help get me thru a day or night. One day I would love to go to Widows camp, I'm hoping for next year because I should be able to acrue some vacation time by then and maybe be able to save up the money. With all the repairs and then of course the probate and lawyer, money is in very short supply. I make $8.25 an hour so I have to save for everything. I'm trying to make everything work but its hard,if it werent for the kindness of friends I may never have been able to get some repairs done. God Bless them. I'll close now but know that I feel all the pain all of you are feeling and we are blessed to have each other for understanding. Thank You

Comment by missinghugs (fran) on April 13, 2013 at 8:18pm

I agree with u about weekends, feelinglonely. I lost my husband 17 mos ago and feel lost. Im 57 and still work outside the home, but not enjoying it. My kids feel i need to keep busy. I work for friends of ours and hearing all the fun they have together makes me so jealous. We used to ride motorcycles together and have alot of fun. Even though i M asked to join friends oftentimes...it just doesnt feel right. I know everyone is losing patience with me.....but they dont have a clue how much it hurts. My kids are married so i live alone in a house i dont know if i will be able to keep up....my husband did so much to help out.

Comment by feelinglonely on April 13, 2013 at 6:34pm

Turtle/Laurajay---Weekends are definitely the worst.  It's horrible to do everything alone--to come home alone--get up alone--go to bed alone---hell, I now sleep with a baseball bat under the bed--not that I would be able to use it--but it's there.  I think it'sa a little different when you have younger kids--then you have to be involved and join those groups--I tried the grief groups--did nothing for me.  I tried bible groups at church but everyone was at least 10 years older--I'm 64--it was just so boring.  My husband and I did everything together--I feel so lost.  I am almost at 3 years and still think about him as soon as I get up and before I go to bed and almost every hour in between.  I guess I am just a hopeless casse.  I go out every day, do what I have to do, but I just exist--it's not a life.  I am jealous of everyone who has a life.  Then I get mad at myself for being so resentful.  Will I ever feel happy again????  Will any of us??

PS--Laura--I am a Yankee Fan!--Forever.

Comment by laurajay on April 13, 2013 at 6:03pm

oh feeling lonely...I hear you. Sitting here with his picture watching MLB and our Tigers...just as if he were here with me live.  But no one to discuss what is happening.  I cheer alone.  Like you  all the little things alone,  No break in the responsibilities  24/7  on and on  etc.  mind so tired   constant self-talk to stay motivated  changing activity helps   having forty plus yrs of married life to process memories of... sigh....lj

Comment by Turtle( Leah ) on April 13, 2013 at 6:01pm

Feelinglonely I can tell you it's so normal, or normal for us, to feel this lonely and lost . My Gary was amazing too, taking care of so many things for us! I know it can be so lonely on weekends and any day of the week. I have taken some steps to join groups such as parent kid groups, grief counselling, going to church, more visiting with family and friends. It never really makes things 100% better but it does make a bit of happiness occur:) I feel the more "normal " activities I can involve myself in, the more I can start to enjoy me being me. I think of Gary 100% of the time but am allowing myself little by little to enjoy being myself, almost like having to create a new self identity with out him . It's crazy and so hard. I think healing is an ongoing process, little by little, with a thousand set backs. But that's ok :) perhaps allow yourself to go to movie or something by your self, and have a cry if you need. Every step forward is a step ahead :) take care and thank you for writing on here

Comment by feelinglonely on April 13, 2013 at 5:43pm

Ellen, Ragan, Everyone--Human--I don't feel human anymore.  all I do is go over and over things in my head--why, why, why did this happen.  I do always think--OMG--I hope he knew how much I appreciated him--I hope he didnt think I took all the stuff he did for granted---and he did everything.  I could always count on him.  This horrible journey has sure been a rude awakening.  Even the little things--taking the car to the car wash, stopping to pick up takeout, picking up the mail, getting the car inspected--these things were done for me--I never had to worry about anything.  Now, my mind is constantly ON--I cant turn it off.  I worry about everything--wjat if this happens, what if that happens--I am so tired of being alone, being responsible for every damn decision.  If only I had one more chance--how many times have we said that?   Thank you everyone for being here, for listening, for caring---especially on the lonely, lonely weekends--just me alone watching Lifetime movies and crying as usual.

Comment by Ellen on April 13, 2013 at 4:04pm

Thanks so much, Ragan:  your words were so very sweet and comforting to me and I guess I needed to hear them from someone who truly understands.  Be kind to yourself as well as we navigate this most unwanted journey.  Ellen

Comment by chiefsfanatic (Ragan) on April 13, 2013 at 3:58pm

Ellen...we are only human and can only do the best we can. I know what you mean about those thoughts taking over the brain....all of the "what ifs" and "if onlys." I am sure your husband knew and knows how much you love him. getting on each other's nerves is all part of a bigger underlying love. The last full day we had together, Jason was slightly irritated with me because I took 3 hours to get ready before a Superbowl party we were going to, and he wanted to go to the gym before we did our errands. He teased me about it, and luckily, we laughed it off. In hindsight, I am so grateful he did NOT go work out, because he did the next day and died shortly afterward of a heart attack. As it were, we were able to spend the whole day and night together and it was wonderful. Regrets are torture. If something comes to mind that I feel a little sorry about or if I remember a silly disagreement or occasion where I may not have given him my undivided attention, I just apologize to him when it occurs to me. I know he hears me and I hear his voice in my head saying, "It's okay, baby. We're fine." This burden is crushing enough without beating ourselves up further. I hope you can forgive yourself. I am sure your husband does and knows how you adored him. Soft days, my friend.

Comment by Ellen on April 13, 2013 at 2:58pm

Hi chiefsfanatic (Regan):  I can very much relate to you when you said you have had many hardships in your life, but NOTHING compares to this kind of agony.  I had two half-way decent days, yesterday and Thursday, but today for some reason I am practically falling apart (and it is not an anniversary date of any kind).  I am feeling so much pain right now because I keep thinking that maybe I did not show the appreciation I had for my husband as much as I should have when he was here with me and now I am realizing how much he really meant to me and this feeling is driving me crazy. Maybe I did but I am not sure.  I know he knew that I loved him and cared for him so very much just as he did for me, but I feel that maybe I took him for granted that he would always be here and now he is not and never will be again.  I guess I am not the only one who has felt like this, but it is a terrible feeling to have because now I can't do anything about it.  Maybe I am just remembering times when we sometimes got on each other's nerves and I am letting this dominate my thoughts, because I know we had a good, solid relationship.  I think I have to try to be easier on myself because maybe I am letting my mind get too carried away, but I felt I had to express these thoughts somehow to help myself calm down a little.  Thank God for this website and everyone on it - it feels so good to be able to express our innermost thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged.  May God grant us all the peace and comfort we all so desperately need.   Ellen

Comment by chiefsfanatic (Ragan) on April 13, 2013 at 2:31pm

I mean I COULDN'T bear this without him. Weird typo. :(

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