Suddenly widowed

Comment

Comment by Joellen on July 27, 2012 at 8:09pm

Of course it is just coming on 4 months for me but Phil's shoes are still under our bed his clothes are still in the drawers, his hats are on hooks by the side door where he always put them one is on the railing where he put it when he last took it off an there is one on top the freezer. I may never move them..  I never used his side of the dresser for 42 years so I see no need to move his stuff out of it now..maybe down the line I will maybe not I just do not know at this point. but everything that he used and touched are still in the same place as they were the last time he was here..

peace to all

Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on July 27, 2012 at 7:53pm

Mark's shoes are still in the same place in the bedroom where he took them off and always left them - almost 27 months ago now.  I have 2 of his short sleeves shirts that I wear to sleep in during the warmer months and 2 of his long sleeve shirts that I wear in the winter to bed.  It does keep him near - and make me feel surrounded with his warmth.

No, Diane - you are not out there - we all do different things and whatever gets us through each moment.  Hugs to you all,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on July 27, 2012 at 6:13pm

blueskies ; what a grand idea I think I will wear phil's crocks as slippers this fall and winter I have his sweatshit jacket hanging by by the side door where it alway hung and when it is chilly at night taking the dog out I wear it and will continue to do so.this winter I may wear a few of his sweatshirts too. always keeping him near....

Comment by blueskies on July 27, 2012 at 6:02pm

About the shoes of our loved ones...I read the comments the other day and would like to add that I wear Monte:s topsiders to mow the lawn and his construction boots are in the garage right where he left them....I enjoyed reading all your posts and it made me realize I am not totally out there, it gives me some comfort at this time.  Diane

Comment by blueskies on July 27, 2012 at 5:56pm

I am so sorry for your loss.  My Sadiversary was JUNE 22, 2012, Monte and I would have been married 10 years.  Monte died Dec 3, 2011 in a plane crash.at 54 years of age.  I am 52. One thing I remember having pain with was the friends I thought I had were not there for me...on that note I would like to share with you that sometimes your friends want to support you but do not know how.  Ask.  Call your closest friend and tell her you need her help thru the coming weeks and months and of course this is the best site ever.  Sending you lots love abd hugs Diane

Comment by Aberend on July 27, 2012 at 3:46pm

Hi Lauralee
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that each state was like that and I'm sorry you had to endure that. I was in Illinois. It's terrible how people can behave in these situations and I like your suggestion about the book to get it out so you can move on. And I hope your mom is doing well now. I wish you the very best on your journey. I've been widowed over a year and it is a journey.
Andrea

Comment by Lauralee on July 27, 2012 at 3:38pm

Aberend, I did hire a lawyer immediately after my husband died and apparently each State has their own laws.  My husband had a will done before we met and in Maryland, spouses have no rights when that happens.  The lawyer told me that his children could have evicted me the day he died and they did try to come in the house to remove things on that day and the day of the funeral.  I believe that all three of his adult children have a lot of guilt for treating their father awfully including not talking to him for years.  And like you, his daughter can't believe that his wife was number one in his life and not her.  Just after the funeral, my mother had a bad fall and ended up in Shock Trauma and not one of them even asked me how she was let alone how I was feeling.  I don't want to keep ranting either - but it does help to get it out and be done with it.  I have started a Bitterness Book where I write all my feelings down about this and it is for my eyes only and I eventually plan to destroy it when I feel I can.  Alternately, I plan to start a Love Book because I don't want my memories of our very special love to fade with all the bitterness I have had to endure.  I hope this will help with the healing process.  Thanks for your comment!

Comment by Aberend on July 27, 2012 at 7:57am

Lauralee, I don't understand... We had no wills either but the law clearly says, the spouse always gets everything unless a will states otherwise. I had a greedy sister in law who, while I was recovering in the hospital, stole my house key, went to my house every night and stole from me because it was her brothers. Well both lawyers and the police all said I could've pressed charges. I know you're grieving but I think you have more rights and should be able to at the very least live in your home. I chose to never go back to my home but you know I had my locks changed. They even had the nerve to call me, not to ask how my broken shoulder was doing, or being a widow how I was holding up but to ask who was getting my husband's life insurance. That was over a year ago and I haven't spoken to them since. I think it's a shame, not for me, but for them because they have no one to share the grief, pain and memories of my husband and refused to believe that his wife was the no. 1 in his life, not his sister. Ok, that turned into a rant but seriously, you have rights. And I'm so sorry you have to deal with greed while you mourn. Hugs

Comment by Lauralee on July 26, 2012 at 8:57pm

Thank you Joellen and Juliana.  I made that same decision about not getting upset about the money when they insinuated I was the greedy one.  Unfortunately, that is when they cut off all contact also.  In addition to losing my husband, losing the grandchildren is also very tough.  However, I believe now that this is the best thing for me as I feel such a relief from the daily harrassment.  Hopefully, now I can begin to heal.  It is so good to hear others having similar experiences.

Comment by Juliana on July 26, 2012 at 8:35pm

Lauralee, there is nothing I can write that will take away the pain.  I'm so  sorry that you have had the additional heartache of having to deal with "greed".  I went through a bit of that with my brother-in-law.  It was very disappointing, but at least I finally saw his true colors.  I know that the financial aspect of loosing a spouse is horrid.  At the time you need to be able to start healing, you have to deal with money and relationship issues.  I actually got to the point that I decided that I wasn't going to get upset about anything involving money if it didn't effect the way I lived.  It was a conscious choice, and I made it at a very unlikely time.  I was staying with a woman in Arkansas helping her after her breast cancer surgery.  She had major issues.  She's been widowed for seven years and hasn't moved a peg.  She also was passive aggressive.  She can get upset when you don't even know what you've done to upset her.  At night, I would leave my wedding rings (mine and my husband's) on the counter in the bathroom I was using.  I went in one morning, and they were gone.  I knew where I had left them.  I figured out by this time that this woman was a game player.  The game she was playing was "Let's upset Juliana because even if she doesn't know it, she's done something I didn't like. "  I started to panic, then suddenly I became very calm.  I thought, "No, I know what she's doing.  The rings are only things.  They're not worth becoming hysterical over."  When I didn't become upset (despite her encouraging me to frantically look for them), my rings reappeared on the counter the following morning.  If you can understand what people are doing, why they're doing it, that they'd do it to anyone (not just you), then you can depersonalize it.  People are strange.  You have to go through this wretched thing called grief in order to understand it at all.  Bless you.  Hang in there.

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