Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Joellen on April 14, 2013 at 3:08pm

I am 2 weeks into embarking on year 2 without Phil and the emptiness and loneliness are more acute... I feel them more. I think the reality of him never coming back has set in and it stinks.  I have no choice to work outside the home I lost his pension and just get survivor benifits which would not pay all the bills so at 62 I still am working I will not be able to retire in june of this year as phil had wanted me to  but I am so forward looking to retirement June 2014. It will not hold the same thrill as it would if Phil were here but at least I can stay at home and do what I want when I want or not do a damn thing and best of all I do not have to be "fake" I will be 63 when I retire and that is fine with me. I hate my life well I say I do not have a life anymore because life was with Phil.. right now I just survive... and I hate it

Comment by laurajay on April 14, 2013 at 2:54pm

joellen   The fact that you can get on with daily things says a lot about your healing.  I would never be able to take the stress of working outside the home and keep up things here.  I take one moment at a time.  I actually did pretty good that 1st yr.  Somehow now into the second yr  I feel keener loneliness and totally lost about my future with out him.  If I were younger I would work to start again but age and health limit that for me,  Some of my grief is selfish.  I HATE life without him because there is no definition  to it.    Run the train ...it will show you that life goes on ...how much the grands will enjoy it.  lj

Comment by Joellen on April 14, 2013 at 1:04pm

I too have all of his tools infact I used his cordless drill the other day. I still have his train layouts and his train work room I too go in there and just look at his stuff and touch the trains and just feel him there.  there is a section of the one layout not done of course phil always said a true layout is never done cause you keep adding to it or subracting from it but the scenery is not done is one spot I may finish it one day not sure but I know for sure it will stay up and I will not ever take it down. it is him .. and I will one day feel comfrontable running it for the grand kids.. sharing another part of their poppa

Comment by feelinglonely on April 14, 2013 at 12:42pm

I still have my husband's workshop--gave away tons of stuff, but still have a full shop. My husband used to say you never know when you are going to need something---so that is why--he had it all. In the beginning, it was really hard for me to go into his private domain--but now, I go in there and talk to him--sounds weird I know.
Joellen--special stuff---I know--when I am feeling really down, I take out all the cards I saved over the years and read them--seeing his handwriting and all makes me feel happy--for a moment. Ah, to have just one of those moments in time back.

Comment by Karen (funnybne) on April 14, 2013 at 12:34pm

Oh Laurajay, I was thinking the exact same thing. Wouldnt it be nice if our guys had their own workshops in heaven? I know my Jim would be in his glory tinkering with things. This time of year was spent getting the boat ready for Lake Erie walleye fishing. Oh how he loved fishing. That boat was his baby,he cleaned and primed for hours on end. He loved to hunt in the winter and fish in the summer. He used to tease me about his tan being darker than mine lol. It was a farmers tan but a tan none the less. I so miss those days. Going out on the boat, my complaining about getting up so damn early lol. He said ya gotta get em early before they've woke up 7 had coffee, that way they dont know what hit em lol. Just looking out at his boat breaks my heart. my son in law is taking over the boat, Jim would be happy as Mike loves it already. He's decided to go to school for his charter captain certificate. He's keeping the boat's name the same and having painted beside the name "in memory of Jim DeAtley" I thought that was so nice of him. Now "REEL-TIRED" will once again be on Lake Erie going after walleye. I know I'll again hear about the 1 that got away. I cant stop the tears that fall down my cheeks just thinking of how much Jim loved to get on the boat and enjoy the freedome of the lake. I hope along with the "fix -it" shop, theres a fishing spot for the guys to enjoy. I hope heaven is everything they want it to be, maybe they will be content until we all one day join them again.

Comment by Joellen on April 14, 2013 at 12:20pm

we never had to pay for auto work Phil did it all from oil change etc, and fix stuff around he house never had to call a repairman Phil was it ! and he loved working out in the yard with me He would always pick the first tomato and munch it and say I did a great garden for him again... He always said stuff like that. when the kids were over when they all left he would thank me for making a super nice day and I really did nothing :)  you know I think I am doing ok with the mudane every day stuff you know going to work, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shoping, etc.. it is the little special stuff that was only between Phil and I that are killing me cause they are not there anymore... and I simply hate it...  it is hard to live without the special stuff I had for 42years...

Comment by laurajay on April 14, 2013 at 11:49am

How good to  hear others of you had fix-it guys too My husband did so many things himself in our 44 yrs  Only had to get pros for major plumbing, electrical or big car repairs.  Now my honey- do list well forget it  too much to list.   Every year he put in a beautiful prolific garden for  me.  When harvest came  my greatest thrill of all was walking back to that garden for the veggies

I planned to use that day...smelling the warmth of the sun of the tomatos or the bite- me crunch of the peppers and cukes...and he was so relaxed and at peace in the garden...we used to sit after hoeing and watch it grow...so many years of pure joy...God given blessings of our land.  Still puts me in awe.           Nice to read others were blessed as well.  Wonder if heaven has a fix-it shop for all our guys?  lj

Comment by Joellen on April 14, 2013 at 10:46am

My husband and I were joined at the hip too infact it was obvious to others too cause they said that several times that we were two people rolled into one. we did everything together  he was also very intellegent and clever and did all car repairs and home fix-ups.  He was my hero... like all of you there is not one thing I do not miss about him Hell I even miss his grumpy days..

Comment by feelinglonely on April 14, 2013 at 7:55am

Nobody can really understand what it is like to become a "third wheel"---my husband and I were attached at the hip--I find it hard to walk into a group alone, knowing he should be with me.  I just can't enjoy.  Most of the time, I dont even hear what people are saying.  Even at the church functions, all you see, for the most part is couples or 90 year olds.

Karen--my husband was also clever when it came to home repairs--he could fix almost anything.  Now, it really sucks to have to call someone every time something goes wrong.  The first time I had problems with the garage door--I cried, ditto for the first time it snowed, the first time the toilet got clogged. 

All these things aside--I miss his companionship, miss his hugs, snuggles--jeez--I miss everything.  I miss him saying "What are we going to do today"? 

Comment by Karen (funnybne) on April 14, 2013 at 5:41am

I so understand the weekend thing. We didnt do much on weekends but the things we did do we did together. On Sunday evenings we went bowling,we belonged to a couples league and it was our "date night". It was something fun to do. I was never very good but Jim was an awesome bowler,in his bowling carreer he had 5 perfect games and an 800 series. I was so very proud of him. He would always congradulate me on my games ,even tho I would barely break 100.He always had kind things to say and would try so hard to coach me. I miss him so much. I dont go bowling anymore,the league we belonged to for years allowed me to quit for the season as I just couldnt bear to go on without Jim. I couldnt bear to go to the bowling alley every week alone. I hate doing anything alone. Things here are breaking and falling apart or just not working. Everything seems to go at once. The pump,the pressure tank,the hot water tank,plumbing problems, the list goes on and on. Jim kept things going here,he always could fix anything. SOmetimes it was a duct tape/coat hanger fix but whatever, he managed to make it work. I miss his imagination, he could figure things out so easily. He was so good at improvising. We never had much money so he always found a way to take care of things with whatever he had laying around. I used to complain about him never throwing anything away. He always said "ya never know when I may need it". Our yard looks like a scene from Sanford & Son but because he saved everything he always was able to fix things or replace something. He once built a logsplitter fromthings he gathered,salvaged oor had lying around. The total cost was about $300. He built it probably 7 or 8 years ago and we still have it. Yep, he was amazing and I am heartbroken because he isnt here with me.The lonliness is almost unbearable.Nights are the worst,the silence is way to loud. They keep telling me time heals all wounds, I just wish I could fast forward to healed. It feels like this will be forever lonley. I think it's just the way it will be,alone,sad and sometimes angry. I thank goodness every day for this site,I dont chat as much as I used to, I dont want to be a crybaby everytime I go into chat. But I do visit the site daily and read alot of posts and blogs, so many of them help get me thru a day or night. One day I would love to go to Widows camp, I'm hoping for next year because I should be able to acrue some vacation time by then and maybe be able to save up the money. With all the repairs and then of course the probate and lawyer, money is in very short supply. I make $8.25 an hour so I have to save for everything. I'm trying to make everything work but its hard,if it werent for the kindness of friends I may never have been able to get some repairs done. God Bless them. I'll close now but know that I feel all the pain all of you are feeling and we are blessed to have each other for understanding. Thank You

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