Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Ramblinman on April 8, 2013 at 9:21pm

Thanks, Janice!  I just wrote Ellen that I appreciated her comments which were about the same as yours concerning those last words we didn't have.  Your words, however, do help comfort me and I am trying my best to hang onto the thoughts that with all the years my wife and I had together, those last words perhaps were truly not needed.  Gary

Comment by Ramblinman on April 8, 2013 at 9:16pm

Thanks, Ellen, your words are comforting and I am trying my best to feel the way you describe concerning the years we had together.  It's still tough!  Gary

Comment by Ellen on April 8, 2013 at 8:34pm

Gary and Janice:  Although I am very anguished that no words were able to be spoken by myself or my husband before his death because he had to be sedated, I do know without a doubt how much he loved me because of all the little things he did and said throughout our life together.  I am also sure, although he probably did not know that he was going to die, that he knew how much I loved him for the very same reason.  While it is comforting to hear the words "I love you", actions sometimes speak louder than any words can ever say.  I am sure your spouses knew how much they were loved by all the things you did during your life together.  I hope this gives you some degree of comfort.  But I do agree with you, Gary, it is still a damn cruel world we live in.  Courage and peace to both of you.  Ellen

Comment by armywidow on April 8, 2013 at 8:26pm

Janice:

That's good advice, about finding something to hang on to.

My husband was in so much pain that he was usually pretty cranky and not very emotional so didn't give much positive feedback (usually).

However, there was one brief moment before the final chaos started when he put words in an email that were very positive and appreciative, and it was a flash of his real self and humor.  I am so very glad to have that now.

 

Comment by Janice on April 8, 2013 at 8:20pm

gary and ellen, i take great comfort from my husband's words the day before he died.  i forget what we had been squabbling about, it was not important at all, but what i do remember so clearly is that he hugged me and said i do love you, you know that, right?  i cling to that memory for dear life.  i hope you both also have a memory that you can hang onto.  something that reminds you no matter how sudden the loss, you were loved.  something that reminds you that you are not defined by the sudden death but by the life you lived with your spouse, all those tiny moments.  hugs to all of you.

Comment by Ramblinman on April 8, 2013 at 7:31pm

Ellen,  What you said about not having the time to say the words that needed to be said is precisely what has caused my grieving to be so much more complicated and perhaps yours, too!  I would have given anything to have had just 5 minutes of lucid conversation with my wife before she passed.  Those few minutes could and would have saved me months of anguish and her the comfort of knowing what was to happen.  It's a cruel world when you lose someone you've been with for 50 years in an instant without any last words.  Damn cruel!!!    Gary

Comment by Wendy on April 8, 2013 at 6:50pm

Ellen, yes, yes, yes!  I am going through that every day.  I have had to close down my husband's business, get our finances transferred, and every day little things like the bills he had for business, and tax deductions, are just overwhelming to figure out.  But, I do it.  Each and every task, one by one.  What other choice do I have.  But, when the cable goes out or the computer has a problem, I am going to be up the creek without a paddle!

Comment by Ellen on April 8, 2013 at 6:40pm

Another thing that is so hard for me with this "sudden death" thing is that we always discussed and planned everything we did.  But without any time to do this before my husband died, it just feels like what would have been a major discussion to deal with the eventuality of his passing was denied to us and this adds so much more pain to the whole thing.  I am sure anyone and everyone who goes through a sudden death feels the same exact way.  Not only is our beloved spouse ripped from us with no warning, but we are also denied the chance to get things said and other things done.  It is all just so extremely unfair and cruel.   Ellen

Comment by Joellen on April 8, 2013 at 5:53pm

Lauralee good for you on many counts. one that you went out to a fun function ad it sounds like you had a good time. and second for winning.. how super is that.. I am sure Robert was so happy and high fiveing all over the place at your good fortune.  glad you had a nice time and glad you won..

Comment by Ellen on April 8, 2013 at 5:50pm

Dee - it is so comforting to hear that healing is happening for you. I need so much to hear those encouraging words.  I will try to remember that every time my feelings get overwhelming as they are today.  God bless you and your family. Ellen

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