Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Ellen 8 hours ago

Hi, Tanzwife: I see a therapist every week and also go to a couple of support groups. The individual therapy helps me with some very private and confidential things that I prefer just doing one on one. The support groups are good because I am with other people who have also suffered a loss of a loved one, just like here on WV. It also helps me just to know I have something to go out of the house for. I work at home on the computer so I need to get out whenever possible. At one of the support groups I go to, I have become friends with a lovely woman who also lost her husband suddenly just 2 weeks before me. She doesn't live too far from me so we have gone out to eat and have been to see a movie together. It feels very good and it is very comforting to have someone who has such a similar loss. We are also practically the same age. But even with all this, I still feel lonely and miss my husband's presence so terribly. Nothing can ever replace that. We were together 28 years and did everything together. He just died so suddenly and just too soon. He had not even retired yet and was only 64. Thank God we did a great deal of traveling which was something we both enjoyed very much. But his absence has left an enormous void in my heart and in my life. It is just so unfair and I am so angry that things worked out this way. I expected him to be with me forever, or at least another 10 to 15 years. I do not have a large family - just a son and a stepson. I just pray that I will be able to find peace and some happiness in whatever time I may have left on this earth. I wish the same to you and to everyone here at WV. At times, the pain can be unbearable. Ellen

Comment by Tomsgirl 9 hours ago

Tanzwife, you echo so much of what I feel. I haven't heard from my sister in weeks. I have a small contingent of friends who have stuck by me, but even one of them has encouraged therapy to help me "box it up and put it away" What people don't get is, it's a whole new normal we have to get used to, in addition to mourning the loss of our partner. It sucks, pure and simple.

Comment by Tanzwife 9 hours ago

Hi Ellen - you have said exactly what I think. It's so sad that I am leaning on work to forget my pain, when my husband was alive, I leaned on him to get away from work. It'll be 5 months for me at the end of May. While I have family and friends, it still not the same, I can't seem to open up to them. I feel like if I'm too honest than they just get uncomfortable, so I've stopped telling them. They just want me to make them think "I'm okay".  It's easier to just be "ok" in their world.

I also don't want to go to a therapist. Not sure what they can do for me....they can't bring him back, they can't help me with the day to day home life (bills, housework, yardwork, kid's activities). I need someone who will do things with me like my husband did.

 

As the months tick by, I'm feeling more in control of my life, but there is a part of me that is angry at him for leaving me alone. And then I feel guilty for being angry...

the ups and the downs are too much......

Comment by Tomsgirl 10 hours ago

There has been so much devastation locally and nationally since my Tom died. I am a journalist and usually glued to the news, but I find myself unable to watch much news about these sorts of events these days. My heart and prayers always go out to everyone involved, but I find it detrimental to me if I glue myself to the news coverage. Prayers for OK!

Comment by janet 10 hours ago

Jake (OK) I was wondering if you were okay.  I've been keeping up with it as best I can.  So very devastating and so very tragic to.  My prayers go out to the families of all who have lost so much.

Comment by LostWithoutHer(Angel) 10 hours ago

I've been glued to the KFOR news feed all day. So sad! I was there during the 1999 incident. I am so sensitive to loss these days. It brings the grief to the forefront. I feel like I just start to get a breather and then something like another tragedy hits and I'm back to day 1!!!

Comment by Jake (OK) 10 hours ago

Bad tornado's today! 55 confirmed dead so far in Moore, OK. One of the worst tornado's in our history. Poor people! Devastating! There are still alot of people missing!

Comment by Ellen 11 hours ago

Harpy - I just read your comment and agree strongly when you say "memories just hurt".  Today, even while I was working, which usually gives me a little break from all the pain, images and memories of my husband from happy times years ago kept flashing before my eyes constantly.  They just would not stop and it made me so angry because I usually look forward to working in order to keep my mind focused on something other than all the pain and grief.  It is just so overwhelming at times and it makes you feel like just wanting to escape from remembering everything.  It will be 5 months for me on June 1st since my husband died suddenly and everything I see and do just reminds me of him.  He was so much an integral part of my life in every aspect of living that it is almost impossible not to have him constantly in my thoughts.  I am hoping that at some point in time on this dreadful journey the memories will bring some peace and not all the pain and loneliness that is always present now.  Ellen

Comment by Tomsgirl 11 hours ago

Oh Harpy, I so understand what you mean. Weekends were the only time my love and I got to spend together and I think of how he would rouse me early to go get breakfast and now, on the weekends, I just want to throw the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. I know how much I struggle and he and I didn't live together, had only been together a couple years, and were just starting to talk about moving in together. My heart cries when I read the comments from those of you who were with your loves for so very many years. People do say the most insensitive things, out of love, but that doesn't make it better when you KNOW those memories are like sheer torture right now. Hugs to all.

Comment by Harpy 11 hours ago

Weekends are awful! I used to look forward to them so much. Mark liked to cook breakfast on Saturday mornings for me and the boys. It was the highlight of the week until that Saturday morning 26 months ago when he got up and suddenly didn't feel well and was gone in hours. Every Saturday morning when I wake up and forget for that split second and then relive the whole awful thing I just don't see why I go on breathing. What do people mean when they say, "life goes on?" Or "life is for the living." Or, "you have your memories." Memories just hurt!! I'm so tired of hurting and I'm so sad all of you are hurting so much too.

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