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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1687
Latest Activity: 16 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Melissa 16 hours ago. 11 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Crabby on Sunday. 4 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

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Comment by jlsrdh on Tuesday

It was 2 months yesterday since my husband Tom died. So, yesterday I received another sympathy card in the mail from a company he worked with. 6 people signed it, mostly men and most of their comments I cannot  decipher. Why did it take so long for them to send this?? They knew when he died, that day. I leave in 15 minutes for my weekly grief counseling. She wants me to contact someone in my “village” of 8 people 1 time a day to talk about him for 5-10 minutes. Sometimes it’s to hard to call someone and talk about him. Another friend is flying in to see me for 4 days in November. I told her get ready for Sporadic  crying. She said she is fine with that BUT when she calls me or texts me she refuses to talk about Tom. I understand that it is hard for some, to close to home, but it hurts when she changes the subject. I’ll tell her that if I need to take about him she needs to listen. Yes, it’s strange how people think you should be over it. My birthday is in November and I don’t want to celebrate it is year. My friend will be here then, so I told my mom sorry I don’t want to go out to lunch for my birthday, in fact I don’t want to celebrate it. My dad has now decided to call me once a week. I don’t know why he only talks about himself. I told him this week I don’t need to talk to him weekly. This is a new development as when Tom died I did not Hear a word from him for three weeks. Did you calls and tells me it’s too hard for him to talk to me about Tom dying because if he’s so upset. What does he think I am. Yes family and friends most of them don’t get it

Comment by ImTheMarigold on Tuesday

Shelley, 

Last year was my first year marking his transition day. I took the day off work and a friend also took the day to spend with me. I was not sure what to expect, and the anticipation really was so much worse than the actual day. We planned the day out pretty fully, but I had the option to not to anything I didn't want to if I changed my mind. It was helpful to have stayed busy but I did have a few quiet moments to reflect and be sad. I don't think I would have done it differently, it was helpful to feel like I was in control of the day to some extent. Might not work or be possible for everyone, but that is what I did. The second year mark is next month and I have taken the day off work again, but no plans yet. I feel a bit more confident in my ability to navigate the day and want to have more time on my own in my own home to grieve as needed. Big hugs 

Comment by Just.me on Tuesday

Hi Shelley. I was feeling the same almost four years ago. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything too complicated or solemn. I live near two young grandkids and my son. We wrote brief notes to Grandpa, tied them to helium balloons, and released them all together. Just an idea. I hope it helps.

Comment by shelley on Monday

So... my husband died 11/10/17.  And I thought about what I might do on that day in 2018 and decided I will just deal with it.  I can't figure out what I might do to make the day special or to distract myself.  I thought I was strong enough to deal with whatever feelings come up on that day.  But today...  the beginning of the events that led to the day he died.  Really hard.  And it's only the middle of October.  Another month to go.  What did you all do on the first anniversary of your spouse's death?  Is there any thing that makes the day softer and/or more bearable?

Comment by Melissa on Sunday

We will get through this. Somehow. There are 17 million widows in the United States. We keep living, and life gets more bearable.

I know I am better than I was 11 months ago, when my husband died. I don't cry all the time anymore. I'm able to eat again. I can't find a purpose for my life yet, but I hope in time that will come.

My love to you all.

Comment by Tonya on Sunday

Crabby I am so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. I lost my love about 5 months ago and your story sounds so much like mine. I have the same what ifs running around in my head. I feel so badly about how it happened. So much guilt and regret for not being able to save him. Doing everything wrong when it ment the most. For all of that I still can’t change the end result. I’m not sure how to get through all of this. I hope we can somehow.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 13, 2018 at 5:29am

BTW, just to let you know that my husband and I hosted every holiday for 15 years and my parents nor I have had not ONE invitation for a holiday since he died!

Comment by Broken Diva on October 13, 2018 at 5:27am

Dear Diva70,

It's like I wrote your post!  I can' believe it either - that people are hurt at MY behavior!

My husband died at the end of October and my brother and his family wanted to come to MY house because my mother lives with me for Thanksgiving in November!  I said no way....I wasn't up to it.  I didn't cook or anything, just ordered food and would maybe eat it in front of the TV at some time during the day.  

Well, they had everything planned out; they were having dinner at home and then would come to my house --- for dessert!  Like I even had dessert and then they were going to a move!.  I was also caring for my elderly parents so I suggested they come out and take my parents to the movie with them.  My sister in law's response, "I don't think so."  So everyone got mad at me!!!  Said I was being selfish!!!  Unbelievable.

Happened again at Christmas.  My niece called and said she was coming to 'visit" - Visiting means drinking and eating my food - which I had none.  So I said, Sorry no visitors.

Now they are all mad at me!!!  I just needed to be left alone, but didn't stop them from picking up my parents and taking them to THEIR house for the holidays!

It's strange...you never expect that type of behavior from your own family.  But after reading these posts, it seems like that is sort of the norm!

Karma.....

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 13, 2018 at 1:09am

Dear jsrdh

My true sympathy to you.  I did not read..."It's OK, ..   However, may I recommend  "I wasn't ready to say goodbye"  about sudden loss?  I got both the print and audio version.   Honestly, there were times I would have the audio playing almost 24 hrs as white noise.

I lost Bob March 8th, 2016.  He was my beloved, my husband of 27 years.  We were each other's joy....no children either.   He retired 11 year earlier and I was planning on retiring  from the dental profession  in 2017.

I'm glad you found  grief counseling and also this forum.  You can share and post or just take solace from lurking knowing that what you are feeling is OK.

People are STUPID!  They don't have any idea.  It is OK to be angry at everybody and everything....I still am.

We lost our world, our foundation, our comfortable flannel blanket.  You have always been the one that has provided care and comfort (look at your profession/career)...no wonder stupid neighbor expected you to be clinical and competent....you always have been!    We get it......I get it.   

(HUGS)

Michele

Comment by DIVA70 on October 12, 2018 at 10:25pm

First I want to say I am sorry for your loss. I am also reading 'It's Ok You're Not Ok. It's been a little over 5 months since my husband/friend of over 50 years left us. During that time I have come to the conclusion that there are some people who will never get it! They want everything to go back to the way it was before April 29th and at least two have indicated how hurt they are at my behavior. Can you believe that? THEY are hurt! So I have made a conscious decision to have as little to do with these individuals as possible and when questioned I just walk away. I really don't have the time and energy to stop and help them lick their wounds. My brother-in-laws birthday is coming up soon and I have already decided I am not going. I will send him a nice card and a gift but I am not going to subject myself to sitting around laughing and smiling as if everything is ok in my life and the comments about my being a single lady and available again. I did not choose to be a widow and I am not in desperate need of male companionship. The love of my life is gone and I am still reeling from the loss. As you have probably surmised this is where you can vent and say what is really on your mind without being judged or patronized. I have five beautiful grandchildren who live within an hour from me. Before April 29th my husband and I would never say no to any request involving the five. Sorry, but right now grandma has to focus on healing and trying to create a new reality so I determine when I  want to come over or vice versa.Take your time...and don't feel you have to make apologies for any decisions you make. Do what's best for you. I hope you continue to be active on this site and I wish you well.

 

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