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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Unmarried Widows & Widowers

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Unmarried Widows & Widowers

Were you unmarried when your partner died? However you define your relationship, your loss counts in WidVille. Post anywhere, find peers in this group.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 211
Latest Activity: Apr 10

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Comment by Brandy1977 on October 21, 2015 at 12:34pm

I am now at 4 mos and thought time would get easier it feels hard as time going on without my Partner Jan I miss her so much and my relationship with our girls are just not the same as it was before she died. I feel completely out of control of my life. To many changes in such a short time the last week I have not slept more then 5 hours since Saturday. All I do is cry at home, in my car and at work I know people probably think I am going crazy I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I feel completely lost without her here with me. The pain hurts so bad and it's getting worse the further I get away from the last day I talked to her looked into her eyes I miss her so very much I feel like a part of me has died and not sure how to be happy anymore.

Comment by Rose on September 25, 2015 at 9:08am

Hi Michele, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going thru such a similar experience. I have really struggled with my finance's belongings. I'm sure you are now aware of the attachment to anything tangible that once belonged to your finance'. His mother feels the same way. My advice to you would be to ask that nothing be removed from your place for now. You need the stability of sameness for a while, it is so fresh for you. Reassure his mother that you won't be getting rid of anything yet. If she asks for anything you feel you can part with give it to her as soon as you can. If you can't just say no. It's hard but you can always change your mind later. Once it's gone -- well it's gone. Expect some displaced emotion during this turbulent time. My heart goes out to you. I can share my story with you if you want. I'll check back here later. Sending you love...

Comment by Michele on September 25, 2015 at 3:26am
I lost my fiance two months ago today. We were supposed to get married last Sunday 9/20. I'm looking for any advice as to how everyone has handled their loved ones family and their request for certain items etc? My fiance's mother has been great but I feel like when it is time to go through his things she is going to try to take everything. Technically she is his mother, next of kin. We never got the chance to get married so I feel like my voice doesn't matter. I have already had my toes stepped on by her a little but since he passed. I never liked confrontation before and now I feel too sad and drained to even fight for me. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with his mom because she is one of the only other people who understands my loss and visa versa. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Comment by Brandy1977 on September 1, 2015 at 10:01am

Hi Everyone, Thank you to everyone that responded to my questions. Everyone on this site has been a amazing support and it feels good to talk to people that truly understand how it feels to lose the love of your life. 16th of September will mark 3 months and I still feel like I am in a very bad dream any minute I am going to wake up and see her beautiful face looking at me. Hurts so much. hugs to everyone

Comment by Brandy1977 on August 31, 2015 at 1:39pm

Rosemary,

I understand I feel like Jan is with me all the time. I talk to her as much as I can but of course since she is not physically here I will never get any response but I can feel what she would say since I knew her so well sometimes better then she knew herself which sometimes she hated but she would laugh and tell me that I was stuck with her and I would respond that sounds good to me forever and always we told each other on the phone, in person over text. All I feel right now is constant pain like someone is ripping me apart from the inside and of course the people around me ask me if I am okay but it's funny you see the look on their face saying please just say okay I don't want to hear about. I am so glad I found this sight and everyone here understands what I am going through and won't tell me just move on or it will get easier ugh... I just want to feel what I feel and move forward when I am ready... I just step forward one day at a time.

Comment by drummergirl on August 31, 2015 at 1:34pm

Yes I too think "Not fair" for so many reasons.  I just wonder if I can even keep on going on without Wally, day in, day out, week in, week out for the rest of my life.  I do tend to feel him and sometimes I swear I could feel his warm hugs.  I would write letters to him because of missing him so much and wanting to tell him of what is going on in my life, but oh, I never get an answer back.  I really wish there was a good way to get in contact with him.  I am surprised that I am able to keep going sometimes.  Day after tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his passing, and I am just feeling like the next 72 hours are like a ticking time bomb.  I just started a new job today, so I don't think I will be able to take Thursday 9/3 off, so I am just wondering how to concentrate on my work?  I am planning to go to a live jazz event that evening to honor his memory, since we both are avid jazz musicians  (Him more than me;he was getting all of the gigs.) and the local jazz singer I am planning to see perform is someone he used to play with, so I figured that would be a very good way to honor his memory.  I just couldn't let the first anniversary of his unexpected death go uncommemmorated.

Comment by Rosemary on August 31, 2015 at 1:27pm
It's the finality of it that I find really hard to accept. That used to hit me a lot in the first few weeks and months, even the first year and a bit after David died. I'd suddenly realize, he really ISN'T coming back....EVER. It's so hard. I know people always say, "It gets easier." I don't see it that way because there could never be anything easy about losing someone you love, but there is an acceptance of the reality of the situation that comes in time, as life keeps moving along. I don't at all like that I'm moving along without David, but I believe he is with me and I pretend he's always right beside me.....really, I do believe he's right beside me. I wish he was in the physical world, but for some reason he can't be anymore. Not fair. Sometimes I really hate life. And yet, I keep going.
Comment by Brandy1977 on August 31, 2015 at 1:06pm

Thank you Rosemary, 

For your post I know that we will never forget the love Jan and I had witch was amazing and the love you ad David had your right feeling like it's a dream I still have that where sometimes I go to pick up the phone after work and realize I can't or come home thinking I will see her in the kitchen cooking and that makes me hurt so much.I felt like I was going crazy that I would cry over movies and shows etc... I just miss her so much. I feel like All of my normal is gone I lost the love of my life and my best friend. I have a couple of friends and some family but no one close. They all live an hour or more away. In my town of Bellingham, WA I only have me and my girls now. It just gets very lonely.

Comment by Rosemary on August 31, 2015 at 12:52pm
Hi Brandy,

I hear your pain. Hugs to you, but it sounds like the only hugs you want are from your Jan. Same with me.....I really only want hugs from David.

You've asked a very interesting question about movies and tv shows. My answer is yes, I find it very hard to watch couples in movies or tv, so, since a couple of months after David died, I stopped going to movies and I no longer watch TV. It's been almost 2.5 years. I've cut myself off from the world in that way. I try to explain to people that it's not real.....movies and TV are not real so I don't want to see or watch any shows. Before I met David movies and TV used to be an escape for me. I'd dream of a better, happier life for myself and compare my life, feelings and experiences to those of characters in shows. I'd get caught up in their lives no actually care about some of them. I don't want to do that anymore. Even though life without David hurts, I don't want anything to cloud my memories of him. I don't want to get caught up in the lives of characters and a fantasy world that is not real. My life is real. Also, watching movies always makes me feel and not going to movies is a way of avoiding feelings and emotion. I can get in touch with both quite easily on my own.

As for seeing real live people hug, kiss, walk down the street holding hands, etc., it used to make me sad.....always tears in my eyes, wistfully looking at people and thinking, "We used to do that." And jealous or angry? Maybe a little, but honestly, I was just too sad to feel either very strongly.Now I can handle seeing couples doing couple things, but I do still wonder why David had to die and why we didn't get to grow old together and all that stuff. It's not fair and I don't understand why he had to go. It doesn't make sense.

This is a journey, for sure. Not sure why any of us were chosen for it, but as much as I wish every morning that I could wake up and find it was all a horrible dream, I don't think that's going to happen. It's a tough one.....there are tears in my eyes right now as I think about how much pain I've felt over the last 2.5 years. I try to focus on the positive...that I was so lucky to have for the short time I did and experience a love I never really thought possible....but some days are harder than others.

Take little steps and never forget.
Comment by Brandy1977 on August 31, 2015 at 11:03am

Hi everyone,

I have not been on in a few days. I have read over some of posts and my heart goes out to all of you. No matter how short or long it has been it seems like we all still have are breaking points or complete melt downs like you feel like you just can't do anything. I wanted to asked all of you a question. When you watch movies does it upset you to see happy couples because you miss that with spouse or when you see family and friends who have their spouse still do you feel angry that they get what you had ripped away so quickly. I ask because every time I watch movies and shows we watched together that had sweet scenes where the couple was hugging each other, or joking around or just a quick kiss and most of the time I lose it. When it comes to my family and friends no other in my circle even work people have ever lost a spouse and I am jealous and angry why did this have to happen I am only 38 years old ... Jan was only 38 its so unfair. Now I have to be a single parent of our 3 girls. I am having a really hard day trying to hold back the tears while I am at work which is really hard in itself. Thank you in advance to all of you. Hugs to all. 

 

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