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Latest Activity: 5 hours ago
Honeyspuddin...it was 3 months for me yesterday....and his birthday was August 6 so rough week for me. His birthday was the hardest day yet. I was barely functioning. I took the kids to the beach, the same beach Peter and I went to when we were house hunting on the Cape, and the same beach he and recently went to a few weeks before he died. It was "our beach." It was twilight and I walked into the water which was so warm and stared out into the ocean with tears rolling down my face. Three months and I still ask myself WTF just happened?? Where did he go??
On a different note, I have to take my son to a gastroenterologist for some issues he's been having. And wouldn't you know, the doctor the pediatrician referred us to is at the same hospital, the same BUILDING, just one floor down from where Peter went for all of his treatments. I honestly don't think I can go back there. I had a full out anxiety attack. Just driving into the parking lot...I have blocked so much of it out and it's all gunna smack me in the face.
I had a realisation last night. I was smelling Ian's pillow, and the scent is fading and I thought 2 months is really quick. Then I have to remember he was hospitalised for 3 months prior. Sometimes I feel I'm running on 2 timelines - the sudden illness that dibilitated him severely and had him never come home, and his actual passing 3 months later.
At least a friend of his visited with his daughter yesterday, even if only for half an hour. It was nice to catch up - he and his wife are the only two friends of Ian's I've heard from.
Missy, I am at two months 3 days, only my kids are grown. It is a difficult thing to understand I know, but we must look forward and not allow our grief to disable us in any way. I know I owe him and his memory and love to go on and live as we planned including traveling and loving our family which was the most important thing in his life. I am thankful for the 39 years we had and his devotion to our family. Our daughter said at the memorial daddy taught me to love. That says it all he was an amazing man. I promised him I'd be strong and love him for eternity as he took his last breaths, did he hear me in his coma? He rolled his eyes and for an instant those beautiful blue eyes became clear and he looked straight into my soul, yes he heard. Then he was gone. I hurt every day missing him, but I also am looking forward supported by his undying love. That part of him will always be with me.
I didn't realize you are so closeby just south and west of me in Carmel/Monterey. Steve and I use to be down there every year in September working on the charity event, TomatoFest at Quail Lodge. Long time mater-mates of Gar and Dagma Ibsen. Such fun times! We always stayed a couple of days to help out and play. So many fond memories. Have always loved being down there. It's less than 2 hours. I am just between Danville and Walnut Creek up 101 to 680.
And as I have heard over and over..."I feel like I am erasing him", as we move forward and close accounts, sell vehicles and ponder what we're going to do with the rest of our lives. To me, he is not in the clothes, the accounts, the vehicles. He is, as Ali said, "always by my side" Actually, I think he's been always at my back... pushing me through the pain.
Everything that happens from here on out is BECAUSE he lived, he died and he loved me. How I chose to represent all that is on me.
I have moved, starting after the funeral was over. I was our team captain for our local Relay for Life - and we blew everyone away - not only did we raise the most $ - but we had a great turn out...and the committee members couldn't believe that we even showed up! I think that was a big step forward for our family. That day we laughed, we cried and we remembered. And we were a part of something so much bigger than us. It was humbling.
Enough rambling from me...I sense shenanigans are afoot!
Hey Supervova, wow. i am blown away by your open heartedness. At 2.5 months i could barely string together sentences. And I was angry, angry, angry-until most recently (and it still rears its ugly head when i focus on that). But, for the most part, it really boils down to two things: get busy livin, or get busy dyin. Visiting his grave was a real turning point for me I think, an acceptance step in saying to myself. He's really gone. And yet, at the same time, He is "always by my side". Because I have with me, some of the essence of him. His laugh, his smile, his wicked humor. And all the sweet, wonderful things he did for me. I think, this grieving business is the most spiritual thing a person can do...because it really does make me know..i will die too. And so, it makes my world lens much more focused on a different plane. But during that first 4 months, I was in such excruciating pain, it's hard to understand how i survived it. I am amazed at how this shift has simply "taken place". The "sweetness around the edges" is the love I had, still have within my cells..it doesn't disappear. It's just not as readily available as it once was. I must bring it to my consciousness..and there..I can cry sweet tears of gratitude, sorrow and thanks. More shall be revealed.
I am with you, bravo for moving forward and being strong. I am just behind you (Steve passed June 8) and like you miss him to my toes :-) but I owe him to be strong and live, be there for our kids and our precious grand kids that we both so adore.
" I can be a light in the darkness for the unfortunate one who comes behind me.." I hope I can be the same. I know my moving ahead helps my kids so much especially my daughter who was daddy's girl.
I was blessed w/39 years of memories, and not all all wonderful, but I choose to remember the happy ones, just like with our son's passing Oct 1 1997. It is those precious memories filled with love that permeate my being today and give me strength to live each day to its' fullest.
I love this! " melancholy that has some sweetness around the edges." That's what it is!
At barely 2.5 months out...I'm doing alright. I thought about this the other day - This journey has a trickle down effect. Over the last year, 2 incredible women, my age, have lost their beloved husbands to cancer...I watched them and how they handled the aftermath. They showed me what true strength is. So when it was my turn, I used what I had learned from them. I know I have a lot of eyes on me. Not only my grown kids, but my grandkids and friends and family. Hopefully, I can be a light in the darkness for the unfortunate one who comes behind me....
My daughter told me last night, that she and her sister saw that I was moving forward and doing life, and that meant if I could do it, then so could they.
Absolutely I have my moments...and I miss him down to my toes...but, I owe it to him to be the best me that I can be.
I hope you all find peace in something you see, hear or do today.
This Sunday, I am going to Paul's moms place and all pauls kids, his brother, and neice and her husband will be there. We are going to make ice cream. We did this once before when Paul was alive. It was a lot of fun. His Mom has been making a special effort to try to keep having get togethers and always includes me. I'm looking forward to it, but also know I will have sadness without my sweetheart there. I'm glad that Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be the first family gatherings without him. This feels like a kind of "warm up" for those. So, Sunday he will be especially absent, and then Monday the 13th will be six months since he left. It will also be the first "MONDAY the 13th" since the awful one 6 months ago. My therapist suggested that maybe I can do something meaningful to mark the day, in remembrance of him. I am thinking of maybe driving out to the dike..and sitting on skyline drive to watch the windsurfers. Paul used to go out there to fill time, and would often take some really incredible pictures. I thought about going fishing like we used to, but I don't have all the necessary stuff for that. So, here I am six months later. I have to say for people newer than me, it gets better. I can now think of him without melting down. I am able to remember good times and smile. I still cry and have bad days, but my absolute devastation is being replaced with a milder form of melancholy that has some sweetness around the edges. Hang in there people.
Today is 3 months since my Honey left.It has been a horrendous road to travel but the members here have helped me get through so many difficult times. Thank you all. I am going to the beach today w/ my son, his new wife and their 3 children and a girlfriend of mine. Honey and I planned to go like we always did so I'm going. Not sure what the day will bring. I'll be sad but I know I'll have a good time as well. It's a crazy world we here are forced to exist in;/
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