Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Widowed in 2013

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Comment by 623lg 9 hours ago
BergenJC, you're my new hero. I smile and even LOL at your post. I have a good friend who puts it much the same you do. I think he even said "you could learn Mandarin Chinese."

I get nauseated at the thought of dating but I'm only 49 and every once in awhile I think, maybe I could find 30 wonderful years with another man. I liked being a wife and wonder if maybe there's someone equally lonely who'd enjoy my company. I say this with a brave face but am really quaking with fear at the thought of starting all over.

I've devoted my time to being positive, meeting new friends, nurturing old friendships, traveling, exercising, cooking, keeping a neat house. On Monday I start my graduate program. My youngest starts her senior year of high school.

The tragic turn my life took 9 months ago is starting to occupy less of my mind and my time.

I was stranded in an airport over night the other day. As a last thought I had packed a book a friend bought me months ago, but I hadn't felt compelled to read. It is "Second Firsts" and the author provides a framework for "re-entering life." I wept with joy during many of the chapters because I was already starting to do what the author suggested. (I really did cry but didn't care if anyone noticed). It's a great book and it doesn't really feel like a coincidence that I was trapped in an airport with only this book to read.
Comment by BergenJC 10 hours ago

There are many ways to "move forward" other than dating.  Many of us have no interest in "dating."  I can't imagine anything more gruesome than going through all THAT again.  Moving forward can mean moving to a new house, a new city, a new state, a new country.  It can mean getting back in touch with people you haven't seen in 20 years.  It can mean redecorating.  It can mean rediscovering a hobby you haven't had time for.  It can mean deciding you want to learn Mandarin Chinese, or go to cooking school, or take up Irish step dancing.  

At my age (59), I hope I have a lot of good years ahead of me.  My husband is gone, but I still have company -- me.  And I'm not a bad person to hang out with.  Oh, I'm still grieving, and probably always will, but now it's become less about MY loss and more about the waste -- my husband was an intelligent, handsome man who could be very charming when he wanted to be.  But he simply would not do the hard, hard psychological work it would have taken to get past his childhood baggage, and it, along with the very real stuff happening in his brain and aging out of his career, made him unhappy for the last decade of his life.

I miss him despite all our problems, but I'm moving forward.  I'm moving forward because I have to, because I'm still here and because there is still joy to be had that doesn't involve having a man -- watching my cats cuddle with each other.  A huge full moon rising in the sky.  A perfectly clear Sunday morning out on the deck with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. Looking at my brand-new bathroom that's just finished just the way I like it.  Meat cooked with raisins.  Thai food that he never liked.  The other widows I have dinner with on Wednesdays.  My good friends.  My sister who has been my rock.  So many things.

One thing that my mother very inadvertently taught me:  When you look at your life in terms of what you HAVE, rather than what you LACK, it's not hard to be if not happy, at least contented.  As long as  you dwell on what you DON'T have (husband), you're going to be miserable.  She was.  I refuse to be.

Comment by barbee 10 hours ago

lizbeth4  I'm 19 months out and hear you. Finally went to my doc this week to get a mild antidepressant for depression. I've been really busy and doing fine up until recent months. Maybe the grief got delayed. I dunno. I agree about not getting over it, just learning to make it a part of what is. Be good to yourself.

Comment by 623lg 10 hours ago
A good friend lost her DH a few years ago. I thought it was sweet that she talked about him all the time and after feeling uncomfortable about this during the first few conversations, I grew to enjoy hearing great stories about him.

My DH passed away 9 months ago. He died as the result of an auto accident. My friend has been wonderful. It's been a blessing because she looks out for me, she knows too well that us widows suffer some good and some bad days.

While I like being comfortable about talking about my DH and it doesn't bother me when someone talks about him...it occurs to me that I'm moving forward and am realizing I don't need to talk about him all the time. Everyone is different but I get the impression that my friend is "stuck in neutral." Another friend made the same observation, said he'd noticed that a few years ago.

She is trying to get out and date, but she feels she is not getting anywhere. I wonder if her prospects sense her not letting go and moving forward? I can't bring myself to say something for fear of hurting her.
Comment by lizbeth4 13 hours ago

I haven't been on this site for awhile.  My Husband has been gone for 17 months.  I am doing alright.  I miss him terribly and think of him often.  I am adjusting to my new home town and house.  I have been real busy doing yard work ect...  I am still trying to meet new people here and get involved in groups.  It is just hard for me to put myself out there.  I am working on it!!  I am trying not to be mad at others as somethings that people say are so hurtful when it comes to grieving.  My Grandson was with me last weekend and he was crying and upset about his Papa dying.  My Mother was here and said that one day he would get over it!!  I told her that he would never get over his Papa dying but he would come to terms with it and hopefully it would become easier for him.  We do not get over someone we love dying!!  Those insensitive comments are hard to take sometimes.  I hope that everyone here was able to find some peace today!!  Take care.

Comment by pipin 14 hours ago

(((Margaret))) thank you for your honesty. Many of us felt the same way , just overwhelmed by our situation. 

Oh widow85 how you made me smile. My husband's funeral turned into a magnificent event. My youngest son is an opera singer- he had spent 5 years in the choir in Windsor Castle so had been involved in a fair few funerals - all his friends wanted to contribute so to say they raised the roof of our Norman Church - I am amazed it did not cave in. Graham had always jokingly said he wanted a jazz band when he died- a very well known saxophonist, who had also been a colleague, played at the crematorium so he got his wish. I have adopted the philosophy of letting all do as they wish as long as they contribute in a POSITIVE way.  Keep breathing in and out, in and out. Love from Pip

Comment by widow85 20 hours ago

Hello lovely people. I am gearing up for a second memorial service in NY for my husband's family next month, particularly those folks who couldn't make it to DC area right after his death. It's becoming very complicated (a specialty of his family's -- making things complicated, tho not in bad way, they are very good people). Please send good thoughts that I don't simply go insane. I am trying to go with the flow. If SIL wants to do a program for the ash scattering with a bunch of prayers ("Honey, you do remember that your brother was an atheist, right?"), and if auntie wants to bring some pals to the dinner we're having (I don't even know these people!), and if one daughter just can't even bear to be there after the first memorial (and I'll BEAT UP anyone in the family who says one disrespectful thing about that), so be it. I'm breathing. I'm calm. (Help!!)

Comment by LaLond (Margaret) yesterday

Pipin - well said.  I'm going to have to try your method for arrival time.  If I'm not somewhere 10 minutes early, I feel I'm late.  And there I am, just out there.  Arriving a little late might be the ticket.  Just not sure I can reprogram myself to be a little late!!  Last night I was at my granddaughter's volleyball game and my DIL asked how I was - (ugh) good, I said, but couldn't look her in the eye. I'm kind of tired of people feeling sorry for me.  

Sara - This group probably saved my life.  When Jeff died and for several months  after, I woke up every morning not wanting to be here.  I wanted to die.  I would never have the nerve to harm myself, but I found myself wishing that some disease would show up, an accident, anything to take me out of this hell.  When I found that I really wasn't the only one who had suffered a loss and there were people that were having the exact same feelings as me, there was a giant sense of relief. Slowly, I'm coming back to the real world.  I just wish I would lose this feeling of being incomplete - I suppose that comes with time.  

Comment by pipin yesterday
(((Sara))) welcome to our special group. I am sad for you , it is still a very new way of life. When I found WV I it helped me enormously. Reading what other people were going through helped to begin to understand myself and my own situation. Please keep telling us how you feel, be sad, angry and eventually happy, I hope.
Like so many I feel that I am treated so differently now one year on.I have devised a system of being slightly late for meet ups - being the most punctual person on the planet, who was married to a person who was never willingly on time - this gives the others time to start their conversation and I do not have to start with the insensecere ' How are you'. I sound so ungrateful I think !
Thanks care everyone and be kind to yourselves. Love, Pip
Comment by booktime (Susan) on Thursday

Margaret, I like what you wrote about the official moment. I will hold onto that when I reach the year on Sept 15 at 6:00 am. That actually is very comforting.

BergenJC, I think you are right as well ... though while I don't need to have long conversations about Ed I would like folks to acknowledge what this time means for me. And some have. Mostly family but friends as well. If they say or write, thinking of you at this time and knowing it is hard, that's all I need.

The only other two people this has hit as hard as me is my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Unfortunately for my SIL, Ed died on her birthday. I told her at the time, it was a gift to her as he found peace on her birthday. But. I don't think that helps in the long run. I know they talk about him a lot.

And we talk about him when we talk.

But you are right, I can't expect others to. Thanks for your thoughts on this.


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