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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 543
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Comment by Hosmer yesterday
Welcome Susan. Sorry you're here but it's a great comfort under the circumstances. Anything to do with anniversery dates can be tough but some of them get a little easier with time. And "family stuff" can be stressful too good luck.
Comfort and blessings.
Comment by booktime (Susan) yesterday

It will be 2 years on Sept. 15. My brother is getting married on Sept 12. He's done a lot of weird things getting ready for this day like uninviting nieces and nephews but as we get closer to the day, I feel myself getting more and more closed in. In talking with my sister tonight, I mused on how I don't know how much the anniversary of Ed's death is mixing into this. But I am definitely feeling something.

The way I am dealing with it is my 95 year old mom will need someone by her side the whole time as she is mostly blind and the wedding is at her house (that's a story in of itself!). She won't know where stuff is or anything. So I promised her I would be with her the whole time. It gives me something to do and focus on .

I guess I am just not feeling joyful about this wedding. I wish it was not at my mother's house, I wish it was not Sept. 12th.

I think I am feeling a little fragile. I cried on the phone when I told this to my sister - I had not cried for months.

Oh and the last thing is - Ed and I were also married at my mother's house! At least they are not exchanging vows in the same spot.

But all of this I am feeling. It helped to talk about it with my sister and it helps now. I think I need to know what I am feeling and accept it. And then just hope the day flies by! Which according to my very scheduled brother, it will! He has the day beginning at 10:30 and ending by 3!

Thank you for listening. I know you all understand. My sister did too - she loved my wedding, she doesn't love this one because her son was uninvited.

Hugs to all.

Comment by Luna on August 15, 2015 at 2:56pm

Hi Hosmer, I can completely relate to what you have said.  My husband died in November 2013 and I too have had one thing after another happen..when i tell people it sounds like a bad soap opera.  My pup (and yes our other dog, a golden retriever, died soon after my husband) has also been a life saver. Dogs are wonderful..I am so glad I have her.  I agree that somehow you just have to keep going..one day at a time.  As you say 3 steps forward, 2 back is progress. That is how I feel..definitely progress. My husband also loved life and I know he would want me to go on..and try to be happy..and i do try.  I find some days are better than others and I hope as time moves on it will get easier for all of us. xx

Comment by Hosmer on August 14, 2015 at 3:13pm

Hi all.  New to this group and fairly new to the site.  

 I lost my husband of almost 30 years in March 2013, my 18 month old pup died suddenly in November 2013, I had to put our oldest cat down in January 2014 (she was "his" cat), in February 2014 I had to put our other old cat (my boy) down and my dearest friend and rock of 25 years moved out of the country.  In March 2014 I moved out of our home, in April 2014 I was fired from my job (guess I suffered too much from fog brain), in October 2014 I moved again. I have been estranged from my family for many many years, my husband and I had no children and I sometimes feel as if I have been abandoned by every one and every thing.  I know that moving forward is important, no matter what.  In January 2014 I adopted a 3 year old rescue dog and she has been a life saver.  I still have one more cat that was there when my husband was alive.  She's 15 and getting pretty slow so her time is coming and I'm trying not to dwell on it.

What I know about my grief process is that it's difficult and painful beyond belief.  I also know I can survive.  I can't say I have a full wonderful life today, but I do know that I will survive these losses and keep on keepin' on.  I have a better life than I had a year ago, and better than 6 months ago.  I'm learning, after several years of being my husband's primary caregiver while holding down a full time job, to just take care of myself.  Basic stuff, sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, get out of the house every day, join friends in outside activities, clean my house.  It's not wonderful but it's better than it was.  And yes, it's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that still spells progess to me.  

When I want to give up, I remember that my husband loved life and wanted me to have a good life after he was gone, so I try as best I can to honor that.  

Blessings and comfort to you.  

Comment by elaine on August 2, 2015 at 7:08pm

A book that some of  you may find interesting is called "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer.  It is thought provoking and illuminating. 

Comment by Luna on August 2, 2015 at 12:45pm
Hi Bergenjc, you are so right. When I am over my illness, I am going to find the courage to meet new people. I am quite shy and can find social events awkward but I know my husband would want me to be happy and make the most of life. My mother like me was also widowed relatively young late 40s (I am 50) and she basically gave up, did nothing and complains all the time about her life; I do not want to be like that and Jock would have been horrified if that was how I became. So somehow through the sadness has to come the will to make the most of life xxx
Comment by Bobbysgirl on August 2, 2015 at 10:51am
BergenJC "the world is filled of lonely people who want contact" is so true. Most times it just takes a friendly hello and a smile to engage people in conversation.
Comment by BergenJC on August 2, 2015 at 10:05am

Here is my cautionary tale:  My mother was widowed at 73.  She lived in Maine at the time.  My sister and I looked at places in southern NJ for her because she could not afford to move back to the area she used to live.  Because I am 2 hours from south Jersey, she decided to move to North Carolina where my sister is (and where I am going to move too, in a bizarre repetation of that part of her life). My sister took her to everything.  She took her to events at the local synagogue.  Mom found them snooty.  She took her to the Unitarian fellowship.  Mom didn't like them either.  Continuing education classes.  Concerts.  Political events.  You name it, my sister shlepped Mom there.  Mom decided that the reason she didn't make friends was because they hate Jews there...and she stopped going anywhere.  For the last decade of her life, she had no friends other than her paid helpers..  All because she had a social phobia combined with lousy self-esteem.

My motivation from the minute my husband died was Don't Be Like Mom.  Am I scared of starting over?  Absolutely.  But you know what?  I AM going to make new friends.  Because once you decide you like people, it's not all that difficult.  The world is full of lonely people who want contact.  Be the person people want to be with and you will have friends.

Comment by Bobbysgirl on August 2, 2015 at 9:29am
Elaine I am also a senior. My husband and I spent most of our time together and never joined clubs. Bob was sick for many years and I was his sole caretaker. He died 7/5/2013. I decided to join a Y and from people I met in exercise and yoga classes it lead me to join 2 clubs. One is a 55+ club. It is not just about going on trips but a lot of it is about making new friends and socializing. I don't always do everything in a group. I have met very nice people, some are widows, some are divorced and some are married couples. It is hard to take that first step to meet new people but it is worth it. I encourage you to give it a try. I will always miss Bob and I think about him everyday, but I feel I have to move forward in my life.
Comment by Maggie on July 31, 2015 at 10:58pm
Califjazzy...oh to be as happy as your pooch ..innocence and enjoyment of such simple things...those were the days!
 

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