Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 526
Latest Activity: on Monday

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Comment by Lakegirl33 on Monday
Widow 85, the great pretender is such a good description. I have always been the positive one. Now I pretend to be until I am home alone, or in the car, alone. I feel like I can't get out of my own way. Everyone's lives and mine go on, but the joy is missing. I selfishly want to get it back, but don't seem able. I find myself "wasting time" with no real purpose, but don't seem able to figure that purpose out. I can tuck it away for work, and when I am around folks, unless they ask me how I am doing. I always say "ok I'm coping" or something like that , because if I really thought they wanted to know, I'd end up spilling it all and crying, and ruin whatever we were doing. So darn tired of the tears and puffy eyes! I thnk it must be all part of the process .
Comment by widow85 on Monday

Beaming good thoughts and hope for strength to everyone dealing with this hard year #2. It's difficult to explain but I feel like I'm looping from event to event with extreme down time in between (ran seminar at work, good, tired of boring stuff at work & can't make myself just do it as in the past, bad, book club coming over this weekend, good, all alone every night this week, bad, went to concert by myself, good, too bummed out to take the dogs out for a walk in the park, bad) in a stuttery, jerky way, without a smooth progression to my life.  I don't know what else to do but "And when the morning light comes streaming in,  I'll get up and do it again. Amen." Apologies to David Grohl and Jackson Browne, but I sure do feel like The Prentender sometimes, pretending to live a normal life.

Comment by HeartsForever on Sunday

I am also at 2 yrs in July and so totally agree with all the comments re/ the 2nd year.  Even though I don't have all the sorting and giving away completed, I'm at a standstill to finish I think.  I'm just so tired of it all, the lonliness at the top of the list.  It's rare for me to have an activity on a weekend night.  I keep plenty busy during the daytime, especially during the week, but the nights are long and lonely as you all know.  I'm about ready though to take garbage bags and empty boxes and drawers without even sorting.  I just want it done.  I don't want to have to look at it or think about it.  After I've worked on it for a day or two, even if only a few hours, I revert back to tears and thinking way too much.  I miss my old life so very much.  I miss my husband and my daughter who passed.  I think they are the lucky ones, to be together and not dealing with any of this pain and suffering.  I'm 66, I can't fathom 10-20 more years of this misery.  All my friends are either married or divorced.  The few women I know at church who have lost their husbands look about how I feel, very, very sad.

Comment by Frankie on March 18, 2015 at 8:40pm

Missingmyhusband, I too like you don't post much but when I read a post like yours  I feel I must comment.  What you said is so true, we can all feel the pain that we all suffer, but I believe and feel like you we can only live in the now. The past is the past, beautiful memories and a wonderful journey with a very special person, our spouse's, and now we have the now with all the special moments, whatever they may be.  I know for me it is my family and my wonderful grandchildren and a special person I met, a widow on the same journey I am on.  I also have my God who gives me strength and comfort in living life today.  I know everyone will not believe and live like I do but that's their choice.  I embrace my life with my wife Jan, a total of 50 yrs and remember what our son said " Dad, Mom is no longer with us and she will not be coming back".  So for me, it is the now with very precious memories.  You are so right Missingmyhusband, we may find what we are looking for on this journey, I'll add, just open our hearts to life today.

Comment by barbee on March 18, 2015 at 8:19pm

Oh, Maggie, you said it so very well. Just exactly like what I feel. Some days (or nights) it is good and OK and other times it really is not. Even when I am with friends or family and having a good time, the aloneness is still hovering underneath. It's been two years for me and I keep waiting for it to get better too.

Comment by Missmyhusband on March 18, 2015 at 12:24am
I haven't commented, but I've been following and reading these posts and I'm so saddened. So hurt for you all who feel the pain so strongly or feel that they have diminished lives. One of the things that has helped me the most is an idea I'm about to try to explain. The only moment that truly exists is now. The past is a carpet rolled up to this point and the future is what it will unfold into. All you have is now. And if you choose to focus your attention single-heartedly and with your whole soul on what is now, you can let go of past regret and sorrow and future hopes and dreams and live in the present with one mind and let it unfold for you. This is all from a book my aunt gave me called "Strength in the Storm" by Easwaran. If it helps even one of you like it did me, I'll be glad. If not, I'm still glad I posted it. Take heart all of us on this journey and may we all find what we're looking for.
Comment by Lakegirl33 on March 17, 2015 at 9:49pm
Maggie, I was 59 and Bob was 64. He has been gone 15 months. I am so grateful that you are putting into works what I feel every day. I don't really think it will get better, I just think that we adjust to the missing and loneliness and sadness. I think we try to block it out.You used The word brutality. So right on! The void, the emptiness. Nothing seems to help. Thank you for sharing
Comment by Maggie on March 17, 2015 at 9:34pm
AZ cat....I'm heading towards two years in July and my husband was just 68 when he died..I have the same feelings as you about the brutality of the 2nd year. It's hard for me to even put it into words now. I read a lot on here and I see the stages and how it changes, not gets better, but changes as the time rolls on. It's like its settled into my soul, forever a sadness and a longing. Forever feeling why us, why me. No longer caring about living into my 90's if it's just to be me. What for? I have learned that all the things I've done and will continue to do to stay busy or try to embrace life cannot truly touch this void..this emptiness. People think I'm doing well and sometimes I am, but deep down in the dark of the night or for me, the early hours when I first wake, I know this is permanent now and my life is forever changed . I have traveled and had some good times and I'm fortunate to have a couple of close friends, but it can never be the same and most of the joy and peace of mind and a feeling of contentment has been removed from my heart. I had a good marriage..not perfect by any means,but perfect for us. I keep hoping it will get better.....still waiting
Comment by Lakegirl33 on March 17, 2015 at 8:28pm
Dear AZ cat,my heart is reaching out to you. I too feel selfish because we had such a marriage and life. I am excited that you are going to San Dieho. Due to my vacation schedule cannot go until Toronto! I hope that it helps you. I am amazed at how much we all have the same feelings . A friend of mine said to me when Bob died that this grief will be the hardest job you will ever do I. Your life! I think she nailed it. Thinking of you
Comment by pipin on March 17, 2015 at 7:38pm
Happy St Patrick's Day to us all no matter where we from . You have to smile every time you think of a leprechaun.
 

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