Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 523
Latest Activity: on Wednesday

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Comment by AMA on Wednesday

Whoa…that is where I am!!  My son was 2 years 8 months when his Dad died.  He has now lived without him for 2 years and 1 month.  I had not thought of it in those terms, how long he lived with him vs without.  This morning my son said "Mommy, I don't know what my Dad looked like for real.  I've only seen him in a picture".  Wow, a huge dagger. He has no memories. I'm not surprised, only shocked that my son KNOWS what he is missing now.  That is real tough one.

How do we navigate being excluded slowly?  It is really, really strange.  I have always felt like I fit in with my friends.  They are amazing people and really have stepped up to the plate. Until Friday afternoon rolls around.  Then we are expected to fade away….hurts.  Wish you were closer so we could hang out!  

I did get my 12 year old nephew (who lives a few streets over) to come hang out with my son more often which helps a bunch.  I'm just tired of making all of the decisions.  And to make matters worse it is TAX season!  Aghhh!!

Comment by AJ on Wednesday

Oh wow, AMA, that one pinged me. My life is EXACTLY the same. This week is 21 months.

I look at my 4yo boy and just know he would be more independent, less clingy if his dad was still here. I too am running out of the plans we had agreed. I know his view on schooling but that's about it. I hate not knowing if he would have approved of the decisions I am making. I know my decisions are ok, I'm pragmatic as always, but the 'what would have he done/thought' is eating away at me.

And I so hear you on the dwindling inclusion in social things. This Easter is the first time in so many years that no one has thought to check what we are doing or invite us to join in. And knowing that the husbands aren't interested in hanging out with me and three kids for the weekend without a mate to BBQ with, I don't bother organising it myself. I'm taking the kids back home to Oz so that they don't notice. But I'm sure they will notice. I don't want to define my life by hanging out with widows (don't know any anyway) or divorced friends as lovely as they are - it's not the life we had planned together or for our kids.

I'm so full of sadness for him, for me, and for our kids. I get out of my car everyday with a stern talking to myself and the motto "Don't lose your s**t today". Pretty sure everyone thinks I'm just marvellous but little do they know.

By the end of this year my son will have spent more of his life without his dad than with. I'm dreading reaching that milestone.

Comment by AMA on Wednesday

Agreed that year 2 was so much harder….I am in the beginning of my 3rd year without my husband and it is even worse for me.  At the beginning of my journey I still held onto the plans we had together, I could "carry on" his wishes.  Then last year I began to have to change some of those plans because of my children's needs and wishes.  Now I am totally flying blind…he never experienced our children at this age and I constantly wonder what he would do or say:  for example do I let my 5 year old son play flag football?  Would his Dad approve?  the questioning goes on and on for me...

Also, I am beginning to really feel different from my friends who are all happily married with kids.  I am the odd man out, never invited over to dinner because it is awkward with no man to balance out the equation, not invited to share vacations with other families for the same reason.  My kids notice it, I try to ignore it but I see what is taking shape around me.  Even my well meaning friends are slowly creating their lives with other families as we are slowly shut out.  It is heartbreaking but unavoidable.  I am attempting to make connections with other widowed Mom's and try to go on outings with their families….It's tough.  i work so hard for my children to have a "normal" life in spite of what happened to them.  But it is somehow out of my control.  I feel helpless...

Comment by MLI on Tuesday

Hi Everyone,

Friday was our two year day and Thursday was my birthday. It will be this way for the rest of my life. For the past two years I have sent out an email to family and friends just trying to make them happy. His family does not communicate much and if I didn't send something, I am not sure they would initiate anything. I am still working with the therapist I have been with since two years before he passed. I think this second year of widowhood was honestly much tougher, more emotional and overwhelming. Facing the everyday with our kids - who are wonderful but they are teens and have their own journeys with this - , going back to work full time, buying a new car and making other decisions that we normally would have made together, starting to date again ( one fabulous guy, long time friend) and staring at the house that needs work and the clothes that need to be donated.... well, honestly I think that most days I am so busy I don't have time to grieve but then I realize that all of this is grieving but there are still so many things to smile about too. So, I am smiling, going on, trying to rediscover what makes my life worth living and remember all the things, good and bad, that got me to this point. I hope you can too!!!

Comment by BergenJC on Tuesday

"But even on the days I didn't like him very much, I always loved him."

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on Tuesday

Choosing Life - I chose to do random acts of kindness on my last anniversary and it made the day so very special.  I would highly recommend it.

http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/45-random-acts-of-kindness

Comment by Choosing life on Tuesday
Today is (was?) my 43rd wedding anniversary. I am looking at it this way: I was lucky enough to spend 41 years with my husband and the last two it's been just me. This day will always be our anniversary whether he and I are here or not. It is still an anniversary of an "event". I am very thankful for what I have because of him: a home, two children and a lifetime of adventure. We had our problems over the years --- it was not perfect. But even on the days I didn't like him very much, I always loved him. We used to laugh about that. So I want today to be a positive day. I want to wrap myself in our years together to keep out the hurt and sadness today. Peace to all of you today.
Comment by fiddler on Monday
"Reality hits when the fog seems to be lifting." That's it! I look better on the outside, so people may think I'm over it, but no. It never goes away, but maybe time and space buffers it sometimes, enough to go out with friends and have a laugh.
Comment by wildflower on Monday

Susan glad you are enjoying your home makeover.  And yes it is healing to share stories.  When I go to the garage they always have something to share about my husband.  He was quite a talker and it feels good to share memories with others.  Had lunch with one of his friends and it helped both of us to share stories from the past. Have a good day.

Sapphire921 and californiajazzy yes the second year is hard.  It seems that reality hits when the fog seems to be lifting.  Take care.

Comment by californiajazzy on Monday
Sapphire my husband of 35 years died the very same day as yours. I'm finding the second year very unsettling. Most the time I don't know who I am and not at home in the rental in my old home city. Left half or more belongings behind and lots I brought with me can not be brought into the small duplex. Thank goodness for dear friends who prop me up and inspire me to garden or decorate. I'm thinking about the camp in San Diego if I can find a good kennel for my pooch. I'm in California so maybe it would not be too costly.
This weekend I was very sick with stomache issues and just do not feel I'm strong enough if something is really wrong.....I'm spent.
 

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