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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 559
Latest Activity: Jul 2

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Comment by AMA on July 2, 2017 at 2:28pm

AJ,

I could have written your post.  It has been 4 1/2 years.  I do have a lot of friends but when the weekend comes there are no invitations over to BBQ, go fishing, go sailing to a nearby island, no dinners out.  I know these things are going on because I see the posts on social media.  My children hear their friends talk about all the activities they do with other families on the weekends.  I too feel like my kids are missing out on something because we are not a "complete" family.  I try to be creative on weekends and think up fun activities but honestly by Friday I am exhausted!  I always hope that my kids will get invited at least one place over the weekend so they feel like we did more than just drive from one activity to another.  But I keep our plates full and busy doing soccer, swim team, vollleyball...whatever sports I can sign them up for!

I too moved, into a bigger house that has a pool and a place for the kids to hang out, hoping that we could host parties and then feel like we are more included!  But I'm just too tired to host a party every weekend and wish I lived in a tiny house that wasn't so much maintenance.  I agree too that I feel like I'm waiting, for what I don't know.  

Sorry you are feeling the same, but perhaps this is part of the journey.  Hope for better days ahead for you!

Comment by AJ on July 2, 2017 at 1:53am

Hi Everyone, it's been a while since I came on here though I do read some of the posts. I've just passed the 4 year mark - still feeling pretty down to be honest. I think I feel more lonely now than ever before. I have a full on job and three young kids to raise on my own so I'm able to fill my time well. The friends I had have pretty much drifted away these days though, and I'm sorry for my kids that they won't have those childhood memories of big BBQs and going away with a bunch of families together on long weekends and over the holidays. I moved house to try and lift myself out of the rut but it turns out I'm still the same. Just in a different house. It's funny that I can be so dynamic at work all week but then I just retreat on the weekend hiding behind the bustle of all the kids' sports when people ask what I have planned. I never have any plans. I take the kids places of course, we do nice things as a family unit. I struggle though on weekends with my options of endless chat about star wars lego or just silence. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I just don't know what it is. Thanks for listening. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

Comment by WithoutJim on July 1, 2017 at 4:17pm

Imogen, It is so hard to be alone when it seems as though the rest of the world is celebrating holidays with family and friends. I know it can feel so isolated. Getting through these tough days can be so challenging.

Here in the states, it is 4th of July weekend. When my husband was alive, the whole family would go to a ball game, have a cookout, go to fireworks. Now my children's families have plans with their friends' families. 

You are not alone: widows and widowers across the world are with you in spirit. Sending hugs across the miles!

Comment by Imogen on July 1, 2017 at 3:52pm

I am so depressed today.  Seems every one is happily celebrating Canada day with their family & I just feel so alone.  Some days I admit I feel OK, more Ok days lately than 2 years ago.  But today is just a crap day all around

Comment by WithoutJim on June 15, 2017 at 4:33pm

I am 4 1/2 years in and have quite suddenly hit a wall. I was enjoying my family so much until both of my kids are quite suddenly expressing displeasure at how much I am with the other family. My daughter is threatening to cut off all contact with me. How did this happen? I just suddenly find myself so depressed and lonely. I have spent almost every waking hour enjoying taking care of one of the other of my grandchildren and felt so loved being surrounded by family. Now I just feel crushed, just totally crushed by my family. I just don't know what to do. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 15, 2017 at 3:24pm

I am 3 years and 9 months into this and feel no more like dating than I did at first.  Perhaps I am cutting myself off, I don't know.  Perhaps when I am no longer working and have less that I HAVE TO do, I will feel differently, as there will be 8-12 hours a day more than I have now to fill up because I am working long hours.  But I don't think so.  At my age (62) the pickin's are pretty lean at best, and with me being overweight and no great beauty when I was young, let alone now, I actually kind of enjoy not caring about "the male gaze."  I have a younger friend who is single and quite attractive.  And SHE can't seem to meet anyone nice.  I met her for lunch and she was talking to a guy who we realized later had a wedding ring on.  But I realized later that I would have happily left her there to pursue whatever might happen with this guy and gone home without feeling like "the homely friend."  You can't imagine how liberating that feels -- to look at men as people, not prospects.  To be able to help out a friend find someone without resenting that I am always the "less-attractive friend."  I live my life, I talk to people, I run a meetup for fans of one sports team, I have friends, I like to think I AM a friend, and I really think that's enough.  In fact, the thought of the complication of someone else in my life is really not all that appealing.  I will re-evaluate after I retire, but of course I'll be that much older then.  And if not, that's OK too.

Comment by barbee on June 15, 2017 at 6:54am

Marie318--thank you for writing this. My husband has been gone 4 years and four months. Other than that everything you write could also be my story. There now is a guy in my life, but we will never marry. We live 35 miles apart but spend a lot of time together. I have a cousin in another state who became a widow last year and she now has a guy in her life, but has vowed to never marry. I think being friends at this stage of my life (late 70's) is a perfect solution. Lots of fun and laughter, doing things together (even if it is the dishes or yard work) without the responsibilities we had in our marriages. I spent over 50 years caring for my children, then grandchildren during a war, then my aging parents, then my sick husband. It may sound selfish, but now is ME time. I intend to enjoy to the fullest what time I have left on earth. The old saying: growing older is mandatory; growing up is a choice.

Comment by Marie318 on June 9, 2017 at 7:50am

Hello Michr60. It has been some time since we connected. Today is four years for me. Our husbands passed only days apart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my late husband. However, through the social widow group that I created I learned a lot from other widows and widowers, including the need to move forward. Moving forward means different things to different people. Some have found or rediscovered new hobbies and passions including traveling. Others have become involved in the community through volunteering, others have moved and started a new life elsewhere. Still others have put their toe in the pool of dating. I've done almost all of these things because I found myself toward the middle of the second year more depressed than in my first year. An event I attended with a bunch of ladies was a turning point with me. There were couples everywhere, enjoying nice jazz, holding hands, and taking in the night air and stars. I longed for the ability to have that again, I missed my husband so much. I went home and realized I will never have that with him again. That made me sad, but the longing was still there to have a life filled with love and romance. I decided then, that the only way that would happen was to open my mind and heart to other possibilities. It took me almost another six months to get up the courage to look into dating. I only wanted to date widowers because I felt only they would understand our type of loss and the difficulty of moving forward, not to mention the fact that we carry so many feelings, sadiversaries, anniversaries, etc. I'm happy to report that I met a widowed gentleman, much different than my late husband (which I think is also good) and I'm happy again in a new and different way. Both of our children are happy for us. It's not the life I had planned and wished for with my husband, but it's a life filled with laughter, hope and desire for a long life. I have wonderful new friends, I'm no longer looked upon just as a widow, I'm the volunteer, friend, interfaith minister, and partner in the eyes of those around me, including my family. I am a widow and will always be a widow, no matter what life events hold for me. It's just that I'm truly living life until my time here is up. We never know when that day will be and I want to leave this life smiling, smiling because I enjoyed the remainder of my life and because I will be reunited with the man I loved first.
Thinking of all of you. May you find your own path to a peaceful and hopeful life.

Comment by michr60 on June 9, 2017 at 6:02am

Hello. It has been a very long time since I have been on here.  This week was 4 years since I lost Bob.  He was my friend and love and I still feel very alone.  I am worried about the future and how it will go, but am determined to find ways to improve my life.  The one day at a time thing is so true.

Comment by Luna on June 1, 2017 at 6:43pm

Hi Ama, For me it is 3 years and 7 months. I can't quite believe how long it has been..What you said really resonated with me. I too have been feeling overwhelmed. I wonder if part of it is about..what comes next? The shock has eased but now for the reality of trying to live our lives. People also think I am OK..and I seem to be on the outside but underneath it all I am v. sad and lonely. My life was pretty perfect but I didn't realize it at the time. I have 2 kids..and it is difficult making decisions for us, hard not to have Jock, my husband, to talk things through with. I guess the thing is, is to keep hanging in there and that 'one day at a time' mantra I find helps a bit. Thinking of you xxx

 

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