Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Widowed in 2013

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Comment by widow85 5 hours ago

OK, I'm officially crazy. I have two styrofoam life size skulls out for Halloween. I've nicknamed them Fred and Marty (Fred was my spouse and Marty was his uncle, who died the day after we scattered Fred's ashes). I talk to them.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Sunday

Barbee, you don't have to apologize. We are all there with you, every step of the way.

You might have something there - writing a book! There are lots of books on afterwards. I really think this could be useful. I mentored a friend whose husband died of the same cancer as my husband and she said it was good to know some things before hand. But I bet a lot of women would not want to hear. I don't think I would have.

Still, an idea all the same.....

Hugs to you.

Comment by barbee on Saturday

Maggie and Susan and all the others here, the emptiness and loneliness is the worst, isn't it? I hate cooking for one, so pick up junk at the deli instead. I recently returned from a two-week trip with girlfriends that was engaging and delightful in every aspect. Walked into a dark, silent, cold house, and crumpled within minutes. There was no one to share the joy with or to welcome me home. Almost two years after his death, I still have parts of days where it feels like I've been run over by a truck. Is it the fibromyalgia or depression or grief? Whatever it is, it hurts and I'm beginning to suspect always will. I didn't plan to be a widow. How come there isn't training for this before it happens??? Maybe we should huddle and co-write a book: "What to know before it happens" for a working title! Saturdays are my difficult days still and this is a Saturday morning. My apologies for being such a downer today and thank you all for understanding. Cuz I know you do!  Take care and be well.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Saturday

That would be "alone" not along.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Saturday

The emptiness of being along - boy does that capture it!

Maggie, when you wrote of your hurtful friend it reminded me that about 3 or 4 months before he died, Ed wrote a very hard email to his close friends about what he was facing. One friend stayed with him, the other, an alleged Christian, said he deserved this for the way he had lived and all contact dropped. For quite a few months I burned with anger at this friend, I destroyed everything in the house related to him. Now, it's still a quiet ember but mostly died out. For all I know this friend died! he wasn't in the best of health. And so be it.

I guess I am trying to let go of these hurtful feelings. I know what you mean about the mind turning to these instead of the happy moments. It's like picking a scab - can't stop. But I am trying.

Though then I get a survey in the mail from the hospice we used. And while I was very content with the services we got in that week or so, I have not received anything else from them and let them know.

I'm off this weekend to be with my 94 year old mother so there are blessings in my life.

And Maggie, you have given me a germ of an idea to pursue at some point - a roommate. Not ready yet but that's an idea.

Hugs to everyone in this journey we didn't want at all.

Comment by Maggie on Saturday
My Roses...you said so many things I feel, mainly being that NOTHING WORKS!
In 15 months I have tried classes, redecorating, travel, accepting every social event I'm asked to, reciprocating and having some lady friends over for dinner, joining a gym (I'm not an exerciser), eating out, going to movies, changing my hair, buying new clothes and such and while some of it enjoyable, it's like trying to fill an empty bucket and when I look inside, it's still empty!!.....a bottomless pit. Theses things do not work!
I have not dated and while the thought of finding a super good man is appealing, I fear he is not out there at my age, widowed or divorced. My husband while not being perfect, had many good qualities and was good looking and was someone who always took care of things so effortlessly.
I also had a friend who was quite hurtful when my husband was sick and dying and said cruel things about us both and she claims to be a good Christian. We are now only civil in public. My close friend here, says she's predatory and picks on me because I'm weak.
I have my best friend from Fla up for a two week visit and it is wonderful having someone in the house and share fun things with. She and I are talking of sharing my home (it's plenty roomy) or eventually me moving down with her. It's very appealing. She is divorced and has no thought after 3 marriages in finding another man. Loneliness is my biggest problem...being alone, not from any fear, just the emptiness of it.
But even that, as nice as it would be, will not and does not fill this hole. My goal wouldn't even be happiness, but just some peace of mind and to have some end to the constant mental struggle to get through another day and trying not to dwell on the past. My husband and I had some issues in the last few years and my mind just goes right to that instead of all the happy times from all the years before that and I can't seem to control my mind and where it goes. But that's another story.
I've hit a few snags in my home, but I'm lucky in that I have a brother nearby who can help and I have a reliable plumber and handyman....but homes, as they age like us, have things go wrong....
Take care..and peace to all of us in our struggles....Maggie
Comment by my roses on Saturday

My roses

Hello all of you  wonderful ladies.  I read all the posts and could say YES to virtually all of it.

The struggle to deal with the stuff sitting on the floor in boxes, the problems with cars, the missing of my husband re the  other things that broke down in the house and I did not know how to deal with.  There seems to be endless number of these. Latest is the gas water heater which burned up 2 large gas bottles in 2 weeks!! Wes would have been keeping an eye on this and seen that something was going wrong.. long before it got to that stage. Also even if they cannot mend it... they know WHAT IS WRONG AND WHO TO CONTACT  TO DEAL WITH IT.  I am so exhausted by all this. My mind just does not work on that level. Men innately know what to look for with equipment, cars etc.

Heartsforever  I feel very much the same.  Grieving for Wes is still going on, but has been made worse by other issues. I feel the pain in my heart, and then when I have met other widowed men  it has made it worse.  The reason was that they  pursued me - but because they were also in such a "mixed up" state emotionally... that it brought other issues and pain.  I found this to be even more agonising - on top of the original grief.  So that has left me even more exhausted.  Basically, they wanted companionship but were not sure what they really wanted or felt.  I had thought that another widowed person would be a suitable companion  - but not  realised  that there could be so much chaos

going on in their decisions.  You end up not knowing what they were going to do or say next.  I have tried many things to help how I feel but nothing is really working.  I go for walks, go out to concerts with a widowed lady.  But she is going to England for 6 mths... and I told her I would cry when she left.  I go to church, I sing in the choir and at an Aged centre where our church does a service.  But the emptyness remains.  I have joined some meet up groups and this week met up with a French man and had coffee by the river.  HE WAS NOT A WIDOWER.  I am not looking forward to Christmas  as the couple we used to see have not spoken to me since last Christmas!!  On Christmas Day they were really rude  and cruel and  I have never seen them again.  Yet we knew them since 1991.  My house has masses of  boxes and items in 2 rooms which need to be sorted out.. but has been delayed by my exhaustion and the constant  urgent problems (like the breakdown of my air conditioning etc.)  Reaching out to others is not always very successful either... as they are often far too busy for friendship.   The widowed women I know have been really lovely friends - even in the midst of their grief.  

I really do not want to go on walking around with an aching heart and all these

new knockbacks from others who were on the same journey.  The only goal I feel is relevant now is happiness  and it seems to be very dificult to find. 

Comment by AZ_Cat on Saturday

I stopped in to HOV to volunteer to work the Celebration One Life.  Its held the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  Since it's what got me through my 1st holiday, my 1st Christmas I thought I needed to do the same....give back. I may have selfish reasons as I feel I may also be able to in some small way still honor the memory of my husband as last year it was his picture of all of our loved ones who left us.  Its still a choice every day and a journey we didn't' ask to be on.   The lingering in the heart the play through so many memories.  How different life has become.    God bless us all  sending us all peace, joy, and fulfillment now and always  AZ_Cat.

Comment by wildflower on Friday

JHclecce thanks for the encouraging post...and yes I did have a nice day.  Cried a bit this morning when I found out a friend's cousin died today but went on from there.  Took a nice walk at the lake and enjoyed the fall foliage.  Then went to a meeting at an herbal club.  I had arranged for the presenter and the presentation was enjoyable and all went well.  Good to be out with others and had some friends who knew what day it was and were very supportive.  You are so right about not trading the years we had for the sadness with our losses.  We had 40 years together.  So glad you found someone to share your life with.  

Just got the book Second Firsts which others have commented on here about. Also joined a meetup group for widows and will attend a meetup in a few weeks.  Still sad and miss my husband but plan to move forward one step at a time.  Wishing everyone here a peaceful day.

Comment by widow85 on Thursday

I was the intuitive, go with flow, take advantage of seredipity partner and he was the planner. He made things happen and I dealt with all the surprises along the way. He made sure it got done and I made sure he didn't freak out when it didn't turn out quite as envisioned. Such an anchor and complement (although we did get on each other's last nerve from time to time!). Just found a "change the filters" pre-set note on his calendar. I am probably missing all kinds of maintenance and other timeframes I don't even know about!


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