Widowed Village

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 505
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

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Comment by brendab 7 hours ago

Hope everything goes well Susan.  Nanci - thinking about you and hope you feel better soon.  This grief business is so tricky.  Just when I think I am moving ahead I get slammed with a day like yours.  Best wishes for a better tomorrow.

Comment by nsfin (Nanci) 12 hours ago

Having a hard day today. Went to work this AM, couldn't stay...all I did was cry. For the past two days (Mon and Tues) I was at a required work training on Trauma. It really opened up my grief.....thus today having a difficult day. I sought out the companionship of a good friend, another widow. Feeling a little better. The grief seems big today...it has been 18 months since my husband died. Today I feel as if it just happened....not caring if it is day or night, everything sort of foggy, sad and mad that he is not here. I haven't felt like this for a while. Feel like a truck ran me over. Thanks for listening/reading.

Comment by Maggie 13 hours ago
Good luck, Susan...not a "fun" thing to do. It made me wonder who would be with me or take me? No children...a brother and SIL an hour away....I guess they would do it.
Comment by booktime (Susan) 22 hours ago

Another first for me - I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow. So today is the prep - ugh. Fortunately my sister is coming down today to be with me and drive me tomorrow.

I am really glad because I had a funny reaction in the middle of the night last time. Ed was right there for me. Now my sister will be.

Doesn't mean it is easy - I miss him.

Comment by widow85 yesterday

OK, I'm officially crazy. I have two styrofoam life size skulls out for Halloween. I've nicknamed them Fred and Marty (Fred was my spouse and Marty was his uncle, who died the day after we scattered Fred's ashes). I talk to them.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Sunday

Barbee, you don't have to apologize. We are all there with you, every step of the way.

You might have something there - writing a book! There are lots of books on afterwards. I really think this could be useful. I mentored a friend whose husband died of the same cancer as my husband and she said it was good to know some things before hand. But I bet a lot of women would not want to hear. I don't think I would have.

Still, an idea all the same.....

Hugs to you.

Comment by barbee on Saturday

Maggie and Susan and all the others here, the emptiness and loneliness is the worst, isn't it? I hate cooking for one, so pick up junk at the deli instead. I recently returned from a two-week trip with girlfriends that was engaging and delightful in every aspect. Walked into a dark, silent, cold house, and crumpled within minutes. There was no one to share the joy with or to welcome me home. Almost two years after his death, I still have parts of days where it feels like I've been run over by a truck. Is it the fibromyalgia or depression or grief? Whatever it is, it hurts and I'm beginning to suspect always will. I didn't plan to be a widow. How come there isn't training for this before it happens??? Maybe we should huddle and co-write a book: "What to know before it happens" for a working title! Saturdays are my difficult days still and this is a Saturday morning. My apologies for being such a downer today and thank you all for understanding. Cuz I know you do!  Take care and be well.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Saturday

That would be "alone" not along.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Saturday

The emptiness of being along - boy does that capture it!

Maggie, when you wrote of your hurtful friend it reminded me that about 3 or 4 months before he died, Ed wrote a very hard email to his close friends about what he was facing. One friend stayed with him, the other, an alleged Christian, said he deserved this for the way he had lived and all contact dropped. For quite a few months I burned with anger at this friend, I destroyed everything in the house related to him. Now, it's still a quiet ember but mostly died out. For all I know this friend died! he wasn't in the best of health. And so be it.

I guess I am trying to let go of these hurtful feelings. I know what you mean about the mind turning to these instead of the happy moments. It's like picking a scab - can't stop. But I am trying.

Though then I get a survey in the mail from the hospice we used. And while I was very content with the services we got in that week or so, I have not received anything else from them and let them know.

I'm off this weekend to be with my 94 year old mother so there are blessings in my life.

And Maggie, you have given me a germ of an idea to pursue at some point - a roommate. Not ready yet but that's an idea.

Hugs to everyone in this journey we didn't want at all.

Comment by Maggie on Saturday
My Roses...you said so many things I feel, mainly being that NOTHING WORKS!
In 15 months I have tried classes, redecorating, travel, accepting every social event I'm asked to, reciprocating and having some lady friends over for dinner, joining a gym (I'm not an exerciser), eating out, going to movies, changing my hair, buying new clothes and such and while some of it enjoyable, it's like trying to fill an empty bucket and when I look inside, it's still empty!!.....a bottomless pit. Theses things do not work!
I have not dated and while the thought of finding a super good man is appealing, I fear he is not out there at my age, widowed or divorced. My husband while not being perfect, had many good qualities and was good looking and was someone who always took care of things so effortlessly.
I also had a friend who was quite hurtful when my husband was sick and dying and said cruel things about us both and she claims to be a good Christian. We are now only civil in public. My close friend here, says she's predatory and picks on me because I'm weak.
I have my best friend from Fla up for a two week visit and it is wonderful having someone in the house and share fun things with. She and I are talking of sharing my home (it's plenty roomy) or eventually me moving down with her. It's very appealing. She is divorced and has no thought after 3 marriages in finding another man. Loneliness is my biggest problem...being alone, not from any fear, just the emptiness of it.
But even that, as nice as it would be, will not and does not fill this hole. My goal wouldn't even be happiness, but just some peace of mind and to have some end to the constant mental struggle to get through another day and trying not to dwell on the past. My husband and I had some issues in the last few years and my mind just goes right to that instead of all the happy times from all the years before that and I can't seem to control my mind and where it goes. But that's another story.
I've hit a few snags in my home, but I'm lucky in that I have a brother nearby who can help and I have a reliable plumber and handyman....but homes, as they age like us, have things go wrong....
Take care..and peace to all of us in our struggles....Maggie
 

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