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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 542
Latest Activity: 16 hours ago

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Comment by BergenJC 16 hours ago

Elaine, don't let your age define  you.  I am 60 -- not quite a senior for the movies, but a senior for other shops.  I'm a bit of a geek, I have a sophomoric sense of humor sometimes, and I'm more comfortable around people in their 30s and 40s.  Just because you're a senior doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to a life of bingo and buffet lunches at casinos.

Think outside the box.  What have you always wanted to do?  Anything you wanted to learn?  Something you never even thought of?  I think it's important to not just stick with our own age group.  I have no children (I'm 60) and no grandchildren, and most women my age that I meet are ALL about the children and the grandchildren.  I have nothing in common with these people even if we had interests in common, because many took the energy they put into their husbands and transferred it to their kids and grandkids.  I don't have that luxury, so I have to look within myself and find the things I want to do and the people I want to do them with.  And I find most of those things involve being with people younger than I am.

Comment by elaine 19 hours ago

Does anyone else have this problem.  I am certainly a senior, but seem to have an aversion to joining a seniors centre?   My life with my husband was basically him and me and out with friends, but the thought of joining a centre, going on bus trips etc. just doesn't appeal.    Frankie, you were right, I should open my heart to new possibilities, but is so hard to let go of my old life, although I know I have to. 

Comment by Tink 20 hours ago
Frankie, I appreciate your post. It is comforting, acknowledges our spouses that are no longer physically with us but loved and missed-but also gives me hope. Thank you!
Comment by Frankie 22 hours ago

Hi everyone who has posted, I always don't write but I do read all your daily posts. I lost my beloved wife in Nov, 2013 after a two year plus battle with dementia, beings her caregiver for that time period, plus several years more with parkinsons. We had an almost 48 year marriage knowing each other over 50 years.

My heart goes out to all on this journey, it's not anything any of us wanted. I know for me, my faith, our two adult kids and my grandkids have helped me on this journey. I have also taken advantage of different grieving group opportunities.  For me, they were a life saver. I also know for me, it was moving on.  I know men and women grieve differently but don't be afraid to take advantage of any grieving groups.  Several come to mind, like Hospice, local Meet Up Groups and private counseling.  If not happy with them, stop going.  But do reach out with an open heart.

I know when I had an opportunity to meet a widowed lady, I discussed it with our children and my son's comment was, "Dad, Mom is no longer with us and she is not coming back and life must go on". This from a 46 year older.

I will not minimize the loss we all feel, but I also know there is a reason why I am still here. For me, I feel Blessed for each day I have and, Yes, I am walking with the widow(Sandy) I met and just being there has helped us both. We talk about our late spouses as though they are with us, we cry and laugh and reflect on our life with them.  Maybe we are unique or different, but it is helping us both walk this journey and enjoying life. Do we have guilt, sure we do, what do they call it, survivor guilt. Whatever it is, we only live once and my God wants me to do his will everyday, whatever it is.

I know a lot of you don't want that and I can understand that, but just open your heart to whatever there is in your life, Our God or whoever you believe is there looking after us, but we need to open our hearts. As I say to Sandy, open your heart and pray to your God or whoever you believe and miracles or whatever can happen.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, Frank

Comment by Luna 22 hours ago

Yes thank you all for sharing.  I too have that 'downer' feeling when i come home, it is being confronted with the reality of everything again. And yes losing the stability/ anchor that my husband provided for me and our sons is hard, I feel rootless.  Fortunately, I also have a dog and she is great comfort. 

Comment by bigred yesterday

I've been widowed since March 2013 and I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster some days.  I go through periods of really good days and then there will be several days where all I do is think of him and cry at the drop of a hat again.  Although I have started to date again I feel a lot of anxiety in the aspect that things need to be exactly the way they were with my spouse and they are nothing of the such.  I started dating my husband when I was 19 and had 20 years with him.  Things have changed so much and I'm just not sure that I can do it all over again.  I have two teenage daughters and the oldest is very happy about the dating but the youngest is so/so.  Even as I sit here typing this I'm crying because I feel like I'm in this tumultuous sea of emotions and I just want the stability of my husband back. 

Comment by Missing D&Z (Heather) yesterday
I completely agree with all of you. I work full time and come home to dogs, but I agree with you, widow85, it's hard to come home. I find I am more stressed and tense when I am home and I have moved since Derek has passed. It's so hard to face the grief full on...I think I am side stepping it..not good, but that's what is happening.

Heather
Comment by widow85 yesterday

I work full time, I can only imagine how difficult it is to be without your significant other in retirement. I do things on the weekends, with friends or by myself, and I enjoy them, but the contrast of coming home to just the dogs is wrenching. (Although thank goodness the dogs are there, that really helps, more than I thought it could. I too, feel guilty for sitting there like a lump when they want to play and do walks.)  I actually sort of dread going out and having fun because I can anticipate the downer of coming home and the aftermath, does that make sense? My gut knows that becoming hermit-like is NOT a good idea, so I sure understand the comments about forcing it, and keeping in motion. I find I have to really push myself to make longer-term plans and actually start them. Let's keep awarding ourselves lots of bonus points for just trying.

Comment by Luna yesterday
Thanks for the comments, it is comforting to know you all feel similar things. Jock (my husband, the absolute love of my life) died nov 2013. Sometimes I think the second year in a way may be tougher - I feel people (especially at work) expect me to be over losing him but I never will be. I try to keep busy but it feels forced. I read that what you miss is not someone to do things with but someone to do nothing with. I have just finished chemo for breast cancer and should be feeling I am now on the path to health again (and I do think this)..but I feel so alone, it has been so hard going through this without him. The nurses at the hospital said I should celebrate finishing chemo but there is no one to celebrate with. I feel the color has gone from my life. I want to be stronger/ more cheerful/ positive for my sons (age 17 and 20) - they want me to be like this and I try..but at the moment I just can't imagine feeling really happy again. I didn't truly realize what I had and how good my life was when Jock was alive. I hope he realized just how much I loved him. xxx
Comment by BEC yesterday

Sometimes I feel like I'm running, running, running, I have to keep busy when I stop I hit a wall, splat ! I function best if I have a project going. I can't  sit for very long,  so I don't watch TV, everything on it seems stupid in the evening all that reality TV most of the time . I do read I like getting lost in a book. 

My friends and family think I'm doing ok, that is where they don't get it. What is ok? I get up every morning and face the new day, so they .think I'm ok, alright I guess I'm "ok". Only you all get it, I'm Not "ok"

I keep trying to find my way in this, I can't make any sense of it. My husband should be here, he was my strength he kept me grounded,  I just miss him so much! Sometimes I see couples out and I'm jealous, my mind is screaming enjoy the moment . You won't get it back, hold each others hand , tell him you love him embrace the time you have , no matter how long it is it's not enough !

 

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