Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 443
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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Comment by offthewall 8 hours ago

10 months today. I relate to the anticipatory grieving during the 4 plus years husband was ill and suffering. But I no longer wake because I "hear" his voice calling for me to bring him something. Progress being made in the life long recovery process. Fewer nights spent sleeping in the recliner and more in the bed.

Looking forward to selling house soon (I hope) and dumping the king size bed - as I sleep curled up in a tiny part of that bed.

Comment by barbee 11 hours ago

going to make it, you and I seem to have arrived to about the same place. It is 14 months for me, but my husband was sick for a very long time and I did a lot of anticipatory grieving.The past two nights I've slept six hours straight (no bathroom break! no sleep meds!) and that is a monumental accomplishment after years of being on call and listening for him. I unexpectedly find myself smiling and laughing and that's when I know I'm over the hump.

To those of you not so far along, grief is hard work. You are sick and tired and confused because that is part of the journey. There are inner lessons to be learned in the process. It is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new and different life. No, I don't like everything about being widowed and single. I didn't like everything all the time about my husband or my marriage either. It is reality and it is what it is, as they say.

Glad we are all here, listening and sharing and supporting each other. If it were not for this site and the stories of those who have gone before me and those who are right here along with me now, I would have been a total basket case. Keep breathing. Keep being patient and gentle with yourself. (((Hugs)))

Comment by going to make it 12 hours ago
Hugs to all of you! I don't post often anymore but I do read your posts & pray for each of you. I just don't quite fit in the same. I'm further along on the journey than those of you here. My days of DEEP mourning are behind me. I still miss my sweethearts very much, and still cry for them at times, but not as often & they don't last nearly as long. I'm learning how to enjoy my new life. I even like who I am as a single person.
My heart aches for all of you new to this journey & I hope that reading my post will give you hope & encouragement that one day, you too will have joy again!
Good posts lately on choosing not to stay in your deep grief! While grieving is important, it isn't where I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to have fun, laugh, smile, etc.
Love to all!
Comment by marti67 18 hours ago

((lonelynaz)), I would love so much to hear Dr Eben Alexander! I read Proof of heaven... even if I still truly believe in Heaven and a life after death, his book is really impressive. I often think that to believe in God and Heaven is very important to me and many people keep on telling me that my hub' is a best world.
Yes. I *know*. I *believe*.
BTW this seems not to be enough to me. i still cry and sob and miss him. I have no many memories of him (we were together for 34 yrs!), even if a bit much more than the first weeks. I am not able to see his pictures or stuffs. 
I understand this should be a way for my brain to defend itself, but it is hurting too.
Easter Week hit me so much and i am living these days in a totally bewilderment. i feel myself in some way like in the first days. The worse is that in the 1st days I was totally shocked and not aware what really was a sudden widowness.
Now I am nomore shocked like that, and pain in some way is more... piercing.

Comment by lonelyinaz yesterday

Hello all, I made it through yesterday.  Ok, now I will find the joy again, yes, yes, well I do have hope.  I went to see a presentation with two best friends by Dr. Eben Alexander a neurosurgeon, (actually many family members are as well, so he feels he is not only well trained professionally, but the calling is in his DNA so to speak).  He wrote the book Proof of Heaven, and did a two hour presentation explaining what happened to him and when he came out of coma after seven days what he remembered, and how he could have remembered since his brain was medically not able to function due to his condition.  I've read several NDE, but this was very impressive.  He believes we all our connected to everyone who comes into our life here in this realm, as is the plan from our creator, whatever name you want to call our divine creator. And, I did get from his presentation just what I was hoping for, I left knowing that my wonderful hubby's soul did survive the death of the physical body.  I always believed that those we love pass to another realm, but it was so comforting to hear him say that when we open that door, everyone we have ever loved that has crossed is there to meet us.  We are unconditionally loved with nothing to fear.  Anyway, guess I'm being DEEP, didn't mean to offend anyone who may have other perspective on this topic.  Hugs to all.  Now, if I could find some blue butterflies, seems like the monarch is the only one I can find to purchase.

Comment by wildflower yesterday

I hurt so bad now.  Had a good week helping a disabled family member and enjoyed spending time with them.  We went out to eat and did some fun things together.  And I just got home and cried the whole way here.  So difficult seeing my husband's things in the garage and facing the reality of everything. I think the crying felt good since I think I tend to stuff my emotions when with others.  Read your post Grammie59 and your positive spin helped me.  I was thinking the good times were fake but I guess it's just the ups and downs of this journey.  And like you said I have to continue steering into a positive direction when these waves hit.  Wishing everyone a happy weekend.

Comment by Grammie59 (Cher) yesterday

(((smcerie))) and (((Barbi))) Thank you for your replies and to everyone who shares the Good the Bad and the Ugly here with all of us! LOL... This is the pnly place that I can be REAL about everything since my husband passes away a year ago 4/14. I have now met some widows that have become facebook friends and one widow that is now my neighbor <3 She lost her bubby 10 years ago... sadly she still dwells in a state of "mourning" and constant grief. It breaks my heart for her inability to let go but it's taught me that some of my pain is a choice to stay in it or move out o it. Not all pain is that way, but certainly some of my outlook on life is something I can steer into a more positive direction, and I try. I have my moments of sheer sobbing still, but not as often nor nearly as long as months ago. I see these milestones as building blocks to a healthier me. ((((HUGS))) and a Happy weekend to you all :-)

Comment by wildflower on Thursday

Smcerie what you write is so true.  I was amazed to realize we really do not have control over the important things in our life.  It gives you a new perspective and I realize I should appreciate each day we are given as we never know when it is the last.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  Also the story about the couple getting married hit home.   As after only six months and how I feel I think I would never want to marry again and go through the past year.  But as your friend stated we would do it again to capture the memories we made with our loved ones.  It is something to think about.

I was also surprised by who is helping me the most.  Some people have stepped forward who I never expected and contact me on a regular basis.  I am just thankful for those who are there for me.

Comment by pipin on Thursday

((((smcerie))) how much do you want to know about your close relations friends? It seems the more people were involved in our lives the less they are able to comfort us. The more we have done for them the less they seem able to do for us. Do not let it upset you, although it can be wounding, you know you have helped others but sadly reciprocation is often missing in the death scenario.  Take heart, one great gang here for you, if and when you need us. 

Comment by smcerie on Thursday

I read what everyone is saying and I know exactly what you all mean.  At 7 months it is finally sinking in that this is IT, that there is no way out of this new & painful life, and the best I can do is learn to accept the fact I can never go back to the way things were.  I have been lucky, I guess, that I have not felt a lot of anger, but it does feel so unfair that we all got this crappy deal and there was nothing we could do to make it NOT happen.  I have always been an optimistic person, and believed that if you worked hard, treated people kindly, and made good choices, that you had some control over the outcome.  This whole feeling of having no control over what happens is really, really hard to come to terms with.

A woman I work with told me that a man and woman in her church, both in their early 80's and widowed more than 20 years, got married last weekend.  And I told her I thought they were so brave, because I can't imagine setting myself up for this kind of loss again. But my friend really got me thinking when she asked "if you could go back in time and never marry your husband, so you never created all the memories that now cause you so much heartache, would you do that?"  Of course the answer is no!  I cherish all those memories, and apparently those "newlyweds' did not want to spend the rest of their lives with no memory-creating moments.  That made me realize I am hurting so much because I've had so many joyful moments with my husband, and I wouldn't trade those times for all the money in the world!!!  And that saying "learn to appreciate the small things because someday you will realize they were the big things" is so true!

Just one last thought....it amazes me that the people who have been there for me over the past 7 months are not the ones I expected. The people I thought I was so close to have been kind of disappointing, but other people have shown me an amazing side of themselves I never saw before.  And I believe with all my heart some people were placed in my life right now for a reason....like finding this site and getting encouragement from so many others who got this raw deal.  Wishing you all some moments of peace today.--Sally

 

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