Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 481
Latest Activity: 11 hours ago

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Comment by Nan 11 hours ago

I'm so glad you enjoyed it Jocelyn and that you have your wonderful friends. I still call my first friend from 1st grade and we can talk for hours. Women are so blessed to have the ability to bond with each other. They can't take the place of the love's we lost but they can support us through the pain of looseing them. telling those we care about that we love them is a big warm hug and we all need that as often as we can get it. 

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) 11 hours ago

Dear Nan. Thank you for this inspiration today. Even though I lost my soulmate, husband of 37 years, and love of my life, I am very blessed to still have 3 best girlfriends. Only one lives close enough to visit now and then. Unfortunately, the other 2 are a few hours away and half the country away. But, they are my sisters. No explanations are needed when we get together. I would be absolutely lost without them. I tell them every time I talk to them that I love them. Always did, even before my sweet husband died.

Comment by Nan 17 hours ago

I have a letter about girlfriends that one of my friends sent to me long ago and Ihave found it to be so true. It's too long for this site but I want to post the end of it. Maybe it will mean somethinig to all of you....and Jocelyn you are so welcome.

Times passes.  Life happens.  Distance separates.  Children grow up.  Marriages fail.  Love waxes and wanes.  Hearts break.  Careers end.  Jobs come and go.  Parents die.  Colleagues forget favors.  Men don't call when they say they will.  But girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.  A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. 

When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.  Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.  Or come in and carry you out. 

My daughter, sister, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless my life!  The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I.  When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.  Nor did we know how much we would need each other.  Every day, we need each other still.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) 22 hours ago

Dear Nan. Thank you so much for your posting. It's so true that the loss of our spouses is a part of our lives, maybe one of the very most important parts, but it is not our total life. Thinking about that will help me continue to move forward in my healing.

Comment by Tink 23 hours ago
Have been reading lately and aside from the obvious "difficult" times, appreciate the comments on accomplishments. Remember my "buggy" immediately after my husband's crossing over. Our stand up bedroom fan died. I bought another-and put it together! You would have thought I discovered water! Have had many since then. But today, came home and the grocery bag broke. My bottle of wine fell on my big toe (which is now swollen and black and blue) and I fell apart. I just celebrated our anniversary and the dreaded anniversary will be in about 2 weeks. As I hobbled out to take our dog for a walk, I thought about how each day is like walking on a tight rope. You get to the other side and celebrate very step made. But sometimes, you fall and have to start again. But to our perseverance, we get up and do it again, in spite of sometimes, just wanting to say,"no more". I appreciate this site so much, to understand the "new normal", and feeling the support to "get up" and give it a go, again.
Comment by butterflybarb yesterday

I didn't have such a great day, but it was from other things...but it's funny how that ends up spilling right back into the grief.  Started crying hard because my guy wasn't here to support me when I really needed it.  Didn't help that I had a bunch of pictures laying out that had come off his memorial picture boards that I need to do something with.  Seeing them was like a dagger going through my heart.  I'm ok now, but just exhausted from it all.  I decided I'm going down to the bookstore and just plant myself for awhile and check out some new books to read.  Something fun to as they say "Calgon, take me away."  Will let you know if I'm successful... :-)  Anyway, after reading about those of you have have lost not only your life partner, but children, my heart is so heavy for all of you.  I have lost both parents, my sister, and my husband...but no kids.  Don't know how you say any of it is worse, but somehow seems that combo just has to be....so I want to tell all of you that I will say special prayers for you tonight.  Love the support that is here...thank you all for sharing yourselves with everyone.

Comment by booktime (Susan) yesterday

I hope everyone had a good day - I actually managed to.

I met up with a group of women, not widows (I don't think). Just women on their own - one was divorced, one had never married, one has a longterm boyfriend, and the others I didn't get their stories.

We picked raspberries before the rain and then went out to lunch. Really easy conversation. I think I made some new friends!

I also did some cleaning out of kitchen cabinets - things have been tossed and reorganized. Made me feel like I did something!

You all inspired me, made me feel not alone. It is quite the lifeline!

Comment by Tanzwife yesterday

I haven't posted in a long while, mostly just reading everyone's posts, even from our friends in 2014.

 

It's now 19 months from when my husband passed away 12/28/12, a date that will be forever in my mind. Each moment leading up to his death late that night.

 

Today, things aren't so bad, I've learned to do so much on my own and having my kids has been a tremendous gift to navigate this horrendous journey.

 

There are still painful edges, more often than I wish, but I have my cry, and angry rants directed at my husband, sometimes directed at God and sometimes myself, but I'm hoping that that his normal. (I'm not sure).

 

As many of you have faced or are facing - the loss of friends - no longer bothers me. We will all traverse this path and I hope that they will remember. When an acquaintance lost her husband many years ago before my husband died, I stuck with her and she never understood why, eventually she and I became friends. Today my friend has been with me, she doesn't say much because it's still painful, but her presence is all I need. Whereas others who I thought would never leave are no longer there in my life, and I'm even grateful for that. Even relatives and in-laws. Again, I don't really care, maybe in time our paths will cross, maybe not.

 

I think AMA posted something about going out with couple friends. They do a great deal to include me and for times I don't feel comfortable I don't go, but mostly they make it so it's always inclusive of me and the kids and insist I come. They also have started to talk about the loss they feel, it's comforting to know that they haven't forgotten.

 

For now, I manage each milestone (some first, some 2nd) with sadness and often with hope. The start of the school year is one that brings me a great deal of sadness, but at the same time it shows me that my kids will be ok. They are looking forwards to school and their activities.

 

All the paper work (taxes, etc.) are done and I'm starting to figure out what should be shredded and what should be kept. In the end, his story is left in memories, pictures and accomplishments in his life.

 

This website has an amazing healing effect. I wish you all lived near me, so I could meet you. You may not know this but your stories and your messages have meant so much to me. I'll continue to read and post when I want to, I'm hoping for those whose journey is still new and raw, I just want you to know that it'll be alright.

 

Hugs.

Shahla

 

 

 

Comment by my roses yesterday

My roses

Just posting a bit more about the beautiful song I mentioned in my last post.

The name of the song is "When God Made You" by Newsong/Natalie Grant.  A person said "We played this in the church for our guests before our wedding. When God brings two people together it is the perfect match! We're not perfect...just perfect for each other!!! "   

Well ladies and gentleman... this hectic journey I have been on, caused another meltdown.  But some other things have happened which are interesting.  (1)  I sang today in church - one song was Morning has broken. It was accompanied by a man with a guitar. I then sang some hymns with a man who has a tenor voice.  I have done my singing now regularly for about 5 weeks.  Also sang at a fundraiser at the church. Today someone actually came up and said I did not know you could sing?  I said I learnt that I could sing when I was 11yrs old at my boarding school. Said I do lots of things but I don;t tell people about it.  Then a man came and talked to me.. and  he has not talked to me before.  I mentioned about how I felt better for singing and also about the loss of Wes.  I said that widowed people were on the outer edge, considered weird and cannot cope.  Eventually he began to realise a bit.. But the REAL STUNNER IS..that  hardly anyone would talk to me (apart from 2 close friends and Wes cousin.)  I was a 'blank'  suddenly because I am singing solo and I am choosing special songs... I am now being talked to!!  Last week Wes cousin who is a Pastor was really pleased with a special song I sang - which has never been sung in the church before.  I am singing because it is about the only major thing that makes a difference on this journey. Although a hug is really good too.  I felt like an object set on the outer ring of a group, barely noticed.  Now my 'weird widow'  persona is changing to a "person".

I have decided to practise another song and sing it in Italian. (I am not Italian but the song is a classical Italian song.  All this is so crazy... this guy said to me "that people don't understand - including him.."but it was an issue close to God's heart.  I said yes it is (its in the bible).  Its an exercise in WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR PEOPLE TO NOTICE YOU  AND ADDRESS YOU WITH SOME NORMALITY?   This guy said do you feel you are on the outer edge and I said Yes I do - (firmly and with strength.)   Its taken nearly 2 yrs to get to this stage  (a) agreeing that widows need support (b) that I as an individual was worth talking to.  I sing because I like to and  my spirit can soar. I left the church and found myself in another meltdown.  I walked round the park, up and down the streets of  the village near the church.  No one was around I just began a conversation - speaking out loud - about how I felt and that things were becoming unbearable.  Asking for what I needed and  how much I loved my Wes and how hard it was to be with out him.  I took a photo of him with me on my walk - asking him to come with me as I struggled with the grief, the attitudes of others, the stress and the financial issues. I did not go home for some hours.  I had a coffee, read some papers in a cafe which overlooks the village green.  When I finally got home, I started to get more CD's out to play. Sang along with them with great power, deciding which I would learn for the next  church service.

Also I do not feel a part of the 'older age group' I don't fit that either.. in fact I have friends (2 men) who are in their twenty's and other friends of all ages.   

Comment by Nan yesterday

I went to grief counseling very soon after Jim passed away and the most important thing I learned I had been told before but I needed a reminder. While going through breast cancer treatment I learned that one part of my ife should not define me as a person. I needed to hear that again, and again before I understood because it took over my life. This was ever worse, but the answer was the same. It changes who you are but isn't all of who you are. My challenge is to find that again.

 

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