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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 558
Latest Activity: 11 hours ago

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Comment by elaine 11 hours ago

I lost my husband in Feb.2013 and don't have any family, but I do have a supportive group of friends.  I suppose in this life we don't have everything and I count my blessings each day.  I am really feeling the loneliness now, don't have the stamina to keep "busy" all the time and find time goes very slowly. 

Comment by WithoutJim yesterday

I at age 62 lost my Jim at age 73 rather suddenly January 26, 2013 from an undiagnosed aggressive leukemia. We were soulmates so happy to find true love and mutual comfort after terrible first marriages. We had almost 30 years together. Now, four years later, I am beyond the heart-shredding grief, but find that the silent loneliness at night is so unbearable at times. My two grown children live in town and their very young families keep me happily engaged during the day during the week and on the weekend, but the evenings are sooooo SILENT. I try to focus on being sooo grateful for what I have (family) yet the lack of friends outside that safe circle is starting to really wear on me when I consider how busy my grandkids (ages 1, 5, and 9)  will too soon be with outside interests and friends. 

Comment by AMA on Monday

So sorry Nanci.  Yes, it will be four years since you lost Otis.  My husband died on January 17, 2013.  I am currently at 4 years and 2 months since he passed.  for some reason I struggle with this too...also the spring forward/fall back phenomenon!

Sometimes I feel like it is harder now than it was.  We had charted a course for our life and our kids but now I am in uncharted territory.  A son that is into playing sports (we never discussed if he can play tackle football, I think no but would my husband disapprove?), a daughter entering teenage years (do I let her go to the school dance?).  All these decisions that I am making on my own, questioning on my own.  Nobody else to blame if it all goes wrong for my children!

So sorry you are feeling sad.  I'm right there with you.

Comment by nsfin (Nanci) on Monday

Hi All,

My husband, Otis, of 22 years died March 31,2013. This year's leading up to the 31st is hard. I have heard that year 5 is hard. I never can figure the year thing out......I am coming up on year four ending and year 5 starting....right? I don't know why this concept is confusing to me.....never good in Math...lol.....

Anyway, I miss my beloved Otis. Long Live Love!!!

Comment by Seashell on March 14, 2017 at 11:30am

April 11, 2017 marks the 4th anniversary since my husband's passing. As I was reading through my eldest daughter's blog today I came across the following from something she had written back on June 18, 2015 - just shy of her 35th birthday.

When my Dad was in his thirties, he began having massive health problems. His kidney function was at 30% of normal. Lines were connecting on what it might be but after going to several doctors, he grew tired of going. He ignored the problem. My mom went back to work full time in an effort to alleviate the financial burden on him a little bit. He took a lower paying and less high stress job. We went from having a mom greet us everyday when we came in the front door from school to having two parents who we didn’t see until 6 at night and then were so exhausted when they walked through the front door they were both asleep by 8:30 or 9 at night. I cleaned the house, watched my sister and took care of the lawn every week to help my parents out. My Dad ignored the problem and lasted another fifteen years before he had a massive heart attack at the age of 55. This time, the heart attack affected his ability to work a full time job. He left his career behind and placed that burden on my mom. When their newly empty nester friends started to go off on trips, my Dad couldn’t even walk around the block without becoming short of breath. A lifestyle change and diet gave him ten additional years, but he passed away at 65 leaving my Mom a widow at 56. She often talked about the struggle it was being a widow so young. Many of her other widowed friends are in their 70’s and 80’s. There was a lot of bitterness for awhile as she was angry that he chose not to deal with the health problems he had so many years ago. She said it was difficult because she couldn’t leave him to go and visit her children and grandchildren who lived several hours away. She couldn’t travel with him–something she had dreamed of doing once they got to the golden years. The strain on their marriage was incredible. She tried to hang in there, but there were times that she was done emotionally. She wondered if the massive stresses placed on her were going to affect her health and ability to care for him. If she would suffer the same fate he inevitably would. And who would be left to care for her kids and grandkids. I can empathize. All too well.

My daughters did not speak of their father much after his death. I don't know if it was anger, having to deal with the stresses of raising small children while dealing with their own husband's health and mental issues, or because they didn't want me to go through the pain - again. It has only been recently that my youngest daughter has asked me about the day her father passed away. And now, today, I read what my eldest daughter has so eloquently spoken about. Traci was barely four when her father was diagnosed with renal failure. Sandra was a toddler. Traci had just entered junior high when we moved from California to Utah and I had to begin working full time. She took over much of the household chores for me and was there helping her father with the lawn work. Sandra was barely in college when her father suffered his near fatal heart attack and without telling her father or me she spoke with her boss about switching her hours at Ross so she could be at home helping her father when I had to return back to work two weeks after his heart attack. I know there were times that they felt that life was not fair to them. I know that - at times - Traci was angry at having to take on such a burden at a young age. Thank you for listening.

Comment by Brianne on March 13, 2017 at 1:54pm

Imogen, I know that Match.com or any of the dating sites can be a bit intimidating.  I think that is natural.  3 widows that I met at Camp Widow have gone on the site with success so they are the ones that pushed me to try it. None of those widows live near me so we couldn't do things together but since Camp Widow we have been friends through email and phone calls. Their success at finding partners is what got me to go on Match.  I met some nice men for coffee but we had nothing in common and I was honest with them as they were with me.  I screened who I met though and used an online name (not my real name) just to protect myself.  The guy I met and am with now for 7 months was the 10th person I met so it took some time to find the right match.  While I have girl friends to do things with, I missed the male companionship of my husband and someone to have coffee with, go to dinner with, etc.  My best wishes to you.  You will know when the time is right for you.   

Comment by Imogen on March 13, 2017 at 1:48pm

I did join a meetup group a year ago.  For "the W word".  It has been good.  Unfortunately it's a small group.  We just don't have the population for any group to be very big.  I arranged a movie night, 5 people went.  In the winter some people literally just don't go outside, other than work.

I was in Carefree in 2010.  Went to the fleamarket.  What a nice town.  Next time I am in Arizona maybe we can meet.  Although it's not too often.  My mother-in-law's boyfriend has a place for the 6 months of missing the freezing Canadian weather.

Comment by Marie318 on March 13, 2017 at 1:41pm

Imogen,

I wish you lived in the area. I created a social group for widowed people(both men & women) 50 and older in my area. The group is meant to be one that brings people together to have fun. We talk about our late spouses now and then, especially when a new emeber joins, but for the most part we talk about moving forward in life and we do things together. We do the usual public breakfast, lunch or dinner get togethers, but we also go to concerts (often free ones), bowling, festivals, celebrate birthdays, etc. The main thing is that after speaking with others, friendships are often formed and they meet-up outside of the group. If you can't find one you like, you may want to start a meet-up group yourself for exactly what you are looking for. Since I started my group I have 195 people. About 30 of them are my core group and a dozen I call true friends. Give it some thought. Another plus for some within my group (which is not at all a dating group) they have found new partners. I hope things get better for you.

Comment by Imogen on March 13, 2017 at 12:08pm

Hi Brianne,

I agree with her too.  Living it isn't so easy.  Good for you for meeting someone. I went on Match.com & found nothing.  I have dated two men neither worked out.  I am not use to people with tempers, first guy didn't get his way & was livid, scared me.  So I was out.  Second guy. we just had nothing in common.

For now I would just be happy to have some female friends to hang out with, dinner, shopping.  Whatever, I just do most things myself.  And travelling alone isn't very much fun, After awhile I wished I had someone to say  "hey, look at that, isn't that interesting"  I tried it with strangers, years ago a person could do that, but not now.  They look at you like

you are crazy

Comment by Brianne on March 13, 2017 at 11:30am

Imogen I can relate to your comments but I am on the side of the reply from NoLongerInBergen.  I found myself having difficulty getting on with my life after losing my spouse of 39 years, having no children or grandchildren to fill my days and no family within a 5 hour proximity.  I put my efforts into writing a book and then volunteering until I was emotionally well enough to get back out into the world.  I think we have to be people that others want to be around to make new friends.  And I get it - we can't always be happy and smiling when inside we are hurting but if we are sour on the outside we will push away those people who may help us out of that emotional state.  I have photos of my husband in the house and I am surrounding by the items we collected on our travels.  The house however is new to me so it feels different.  I do not see him in every corner.  I m happy to say that I went on Match.com (as did some other widows from this site that I know) and I was lucky to meet a wonderful man who understands my need to still be able to talk about my husband.  I am happy with my memories and the prospects for a new love in my life.  

 

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