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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 559
Latest Activity: Jun 15

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Comment by WithoutJim on June 15, 2017 at 4:33pm

I am 4 1/2 years in and have quite suddenly hit a wall. I was enjoying my family so much until both of my kids are quite suddenly expressing displeasure at how much I am with the other family. My daughter is threatening to cut off all contact with me. How did this happen? I just suddenly find myself so depressed and lonely. I have spent almost every waking hour enjoying taking care of one of the other of my grandchildren and felt so loved being surrounded by family. Now I just feel crushed, just totally crushed by my family. I just don't know what to do. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 15, 2017 at 3:24pm

I am 3 years and 9 months into this and feel no more like dating than I did at first.  Perhaps I am cutting myself off, I don't know.  Perhaps when I am no longer working and have less that I HAVE TO do, I will feel differently, as there will be 8-12 hours a day more than I have now to fill up because I am working long hours.  But I don't think so.  At my age (62) the pickin's are pretty lean at best, and with me being overweight and no great beauty when I was young, let alone now, I actually kind of enjoy not caring about "the male gaze."  I have a younger friend who is single and quite attractive.  And SHE can't seem to meet anyone nice.  I met her for lunch and she was talking to a guy who we realized later had a wedding ring on.  But I realized later that I would have happily left her there to pursue whatever might happen with this guy and gone home without feeling like "the homely friend."  You can't imagine how liberating that feels -- to look at men as people, not prospects.  To be able to help out a friend find someone without resenting that I am always the "less-attractive friend."  I live my life, I talk to people, I run a meetup for fans of one sports team, I have friends, I like to think I AM a friend, and I really think that's enough.  In fact, the thought of the complication of someone else in my life is really not all that appealing.  I will re-evaluate after I retire, but of course I'll be that much older then.  And if not, that's OK too.

Comment by barbee on June 15, 2017 at 6:54am

Marie318--thank you for writing this. My husband has been gone 4 years and four months. Other than that everything you write could also be my story. There now is a guy in my life, but we will never marry. We live 35 miles apart but spend a lot of time together. I have a cousin in another state who became a widow last year and she now has a guy in her life, but has vowed to never marry. I think being friends at this stage of my life (late 70's) is a perfect solution. Lots of fun and laughter, doing things together (even if it is the dishes or yard work) without the responsibilities we had in our marriages. I spent over 50 years caring for my children, then grandchildren during a war, then my aging parents, then my sick husband. It may sound selfish, but now is ME time. I intend to enjoy to the fullest what time I have left on earth. The old saying: growing older is mandatory; growing up is a choice.

Comment by Marie318 on June 9, 2017 at 7:50am

Hello Michr60. It has been some time since we connected. Today is four years for me. Our husbands passed only days apart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my late husband. However, through the social widow group that I created I learned a lot from other widows and widowers, including the need to move forward. Moving forward means different things to different people. Some have found or rediscovered new hobbies and passions including traveling. Others have become involved in the community through volunteering, others have moved and started a new life elsewhere. Still others have put their toe in the pool of dating. I've done almost all of these things because I found myself toward the middle of the second year more depressed than in my first year. An event I attended with a bunch of ladies was a turning point with me. There were couples everywhere, enjoying nice jazz, holding hands, and taking in the night air and stars. I longed for the ability to have that again, I missed my husband so much. I went home and realized I will never have that with him again. That made me sad, but the longing was still there to have a life filled with love and romance. I decided then, that the only way that would happen was to open my mind and heart to other possibilities. It took me almost another six months to get up the courage to look into dating. I only wanted to date widowers because I felt only they would understand our type of loss and the difficulty of moving forward, not to mention the fact that we carry so many feelings, sadiversaries, anniversaries, etc. I'm happy to report that I met a widowed gentleman, much different than my late husband (which I think is also good) and I'm happy again in a new and different way. Both of our children are happy for us. It's not the life I had planned and wished for with my husband, but it's a life filled with laughter, hope and desire for a long life. I have wonderful new friends, I'm no longer looked upon just as a widow, I'm the volunteer, friend, interfaith minister, and partner in the eyes of those around me, including my family. I am a widow and will always be a widow, no matter what life events hold for me. It's just that I'm truly living life until my time here is up. We never know when that day will be and I want to leave this life smiling, smiling because I enjoyed the remainder of my life and because I will be reunited with the man I loved first.
Thinking of all of you. May you find your own path to a peaceful and hopeful life.

Comment by michr60 on June 9, 2017 at 6:02am

Hello. It has been a very long time since I have been on here.  This week was 4 years since I lost Bob.  He was my friend and love and I still feel very alone.  I am worried about the future and how it will go, but am determined to find ways to improve my life.  The one day at a time thing is so true.

Comment by Luna on June 1, 2017 at 6:43pm

Hi Ama, For me it is 3 years and 7 months. I can't quite believe how long it has been..What you said really resonated with me. I too have been feeling overwhelmed. I wonder if part of it is about..what comes next? The shock has eased but now for the reality of trying to live our lives. People also think I am OK..and I seem to be on the outside but underneath it all I am v. sad and lonely. My life was pretty perfect but I didn't realize it at the time. I have 2 kids..and it is difficult making decisions for us, hard not to have Jock, my husband, to talk things through with. I guess the thing is, is to keep hanging in there and that 'one day at a time' mantra I find helps a bit. Thinking of you xxx

Comment by AMA on June 1, 2017 at 7:49am

I feel like this is getting harder, not easier.  I feel totally overwhelmed with life.  Everything takes more effort than I have to give.  I have 3 children and try to make them a priority but having trouble finding time/energy to focus on myself.  I need to get back to work but barely have the energy to do my day to day stuff!  Anything extra (looking for a job, interviewing, etc) seems insurmountable for me right now.  Ugh, I thought I would have myself together by now.  It's been 4 1/2 years.  I feel more isolated now than ever before...I know I look okay on the outside and that people assume I have my stuff together so don't inquire if I'm okay or need help. It's hard to ask.  

Thanks for letting me talk this out.  Lots of decisions to make right now for my kids and our future and I think I am just overwhelmed with doing this on my own.  Never thought this would be my life.  I sure miss when I was a mom with young kids happily married to my best friend.  Life was perfect.  Now to pick up the pieces and I don't know where to start.  

Comment by my roses on May 13, 2017 at 9:19pm

mY ROSES

I am back online again but am having problems because I cannot get my new email accepted as  it keeps bringing up the old one. It will not accept my password either. Its a miracle that I managed to get in today.

somehow,   So I wonder how all of your are going. allthough my grief has got a bit better I sill love my beautiful Wes..  Nothing is the same in the house without him.  Also there are things that need to be done at home that I cannot do.  So have managed to get a gardener and a cleaning lady to come in and do some work via an agency  for Seniors etc.  .This has helped but then there has been things breaking down - washing machine flooding the laundry.  Loss of hot water system etc. So although the grief stress is a bit better the daily living stress comes in.  I have a number of friends who have lost their loved one.  We all feel the same....physically and mentally .exhausted. Still clearing out their cupboards  and wardrobes of various items and  unable to throw away their beloved's items. 4 yrs later.  We still cry when we see the items, we still cry when we look at photos.  We try and get out of the house (but not always alone) and we share our thoughts.  NOTHING FILLS THE GAPS.  WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER OUR HEALTH.  2 of us add special alternative medicine and health items to our  daily food,  There have been a large number of issues and battles which did not  help...as my water heater broke down before Christmas and the company would not help.  Water came into my bedroom. A plumber lent me a water heater so I could get washed!!   Sometimes our brains get so overloaded that we cannot remember what we wanted to do today.  Our minds are like a library but they can only cope with a certain amount at a time and if  you are very tired it makes it worse.  It is important to find other widowed people  who understand.  I have taken the day off today so I can peacefully water my garden and get some rest.  

Comment by barbee on April 28, 2017 at 8:33am

Welcome back, my roses! I remember you from "before". Sorry you had to be away for so long.

Comment by my roses on April 27, 2017 at 6:15am

My Roses  I am back again after about 18 mths... as my computer would not function, then I found

I could not get back into Widowed Village.  It has been shocking when I realised I could not see my

photos of my beloved.  Could not get into WV to speak to those friends that are here. I wonder

if they are still here.   So if there are any of you who see this please  say hello again.

 

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