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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 563
Latest Activity: Mar 19

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Comment by Kaydee on December 14, 2014 at 9:21am

Hi.. I am a widow of a year. My hubby and I were married a month short of 38 years. He passed from kidney cancer, fought for 4 years. This time of year is hard. His death, our anniversary date and then his birthday, January 1st. I haven't put up a tree yet, it will be small. Trying to date, but that is not going well. Maybe I am trying to hard to replace his presence. I am young only 59 yo.

Comment by Appalachian on December 13, 2014 at 8:57pm

thank you Barbee. I am trying. I was off work today so thought I would try decorating some for christmas. THAT was such a mistake. everything is still setting here in boxes. So many memories. so much pain. I miss David so very much. He was like a kid at christmas. loved to do all the christmasy things. 
yep, that's a new word. special made by me. 
All the ornaments that he has bought me over the years. One at least for all 24 yrs we were married. 
His grandma's angel is what goes on top of the tree. 
He is in every piece of these decorations. 
I will take your advice and try to be gentle with myself and breath. 

Comment by barbee on December 11, 2014 at 2:22pm

Appalachian, welcome to the group none of us ever wanted to join. This will be my second holiday without my husband. Still not wonderful, but much better than last year, when I was hurting and still kinda numb. We knew each other for ten years before our first date and then were married almost 49 years. Not too many memories without him. All I can say is, be gentle with yourself and keep breathing. ((HUG))

Comment by Appalachian on December 11, 2014 at 10:18am

Hi, just joined.
This will be my first holiday season, truly alone. My son just moved out in July.
David and I were married for 24 yrs. He was the love of my life. I was lucky and married my best friend. Truthfully. we were friends for 2 yrs before we ever thought about dating.
I just feel so lost still. Can't seem to get my act together.
People say move on ...... how???
Last yr I was just numb and honestly dont remember much about the holidays. Guess I sorta drifted thru.
I am a new grandma so the kids will be coming here christmas day. Hopefully I can keep it together for them.
Thank ya'll for listening.
Much love and Blessings to each and everyone of you.

Comment by lonelyinaz on December 10, 2014 at 10:22pm
I still wasnt able to sign just my name on the holiday cards so had costco print them. I used a theme of gratitude with a peaceful pic i had taken. Thanked all for their kindness and caring. Hope those that those folks who didnt actually reach out this yr arent offended last yr i did not send any cards. Just wanted to reach out back now that i have more strengh to do so.
Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on December 9, 2014 at 5:04pm

Susan, I haven't been able to focus well since my mother got sick in late 2012 and I know my work has suffered since then.  Mom died in December 2012, my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer in March 2013, we lost our 16-year-old cat in July 2013, my husband died October 2013, and my other cat died January 28 of this year.  

I can't keep focused.  I forget to do things.  I work long hours because I can't focus.  I have widow brain and no one wants to hear it.  I'm snappish.  I have no patience anymore for people who are lazy or stupid.    Somehow in all this I managed to get a promotion but I feel like a fraud.  I know things but executing tasks is really difficult, whether at home or at work.  I am a flibertijibbet, flitting from one task to another, completing none.  I think this is normal.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on December 9, 2014 at 4:11pm

Just when I think I have a handle on things, I make a mistake. Ironically I made almost the same mistake a year ago. This is at work. A year ago it was far more costly. This time, one of my staff caught the error before it manifested as big an error.

Why did I make the error? I don't know. I just know I am still not as sharp as I was.

How do others manage? Do you make mistakes? lapses in judgement? whatever you want to call them? I feel so stupid, lost, sad that Ed isn't here to talk to, and alone.

But I thanked my staff member - she's got my back for sure. I'm inmensely grateful.

I'm at 13 months just about - does the brain ever get sharper, I wonder?

I miss the old me. But it is what it is.

Hugs to everyone - we should not be here but I'm glad I'm not alone here.

Comment by lizbeth4 on December 9, 2014 at 12:57pm

Hi everyone!  It has been awhile since I last posted here.  It has been 21 months since my Husband's passing.  Most days are good and I have moved forward in my life.  This is the second round of holidays, birthdays and anniversary without him.  I thought of him the other day and cried but for the most part I think of happy times and things we did together and smile.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are at my home again this year and I cherish that.  I have been doing some hiking and fishing and wish that he was there with me as those where activities that he enjoyed also.  My Mom and I just returned from a trip to the city to do some shopping.  We stayed with my oldest Daughter and Grandson in her new home.  I really enjoyed myself.  My Mother has been ill lately and I think the trip did her some good.  I have been focusing a lot of my time with her as she is declining both physically and mentally.  I am hoping that she can stay at this point right now for awhile.  I am not trying to be selfish but I am not looking forward to making decisions about her life.  I am still trying to build my new life and find my way.  Life is hard sometimes!

Comment by booktime (Susan) on December 7, 2014 at 3:24am

I know you all are right - folks move on with their lives and after all it's been more than a year! I'm just surprised at some of the cards coming in - an old school friend, an aunt by marriage, an old friend of his. What did I want anyway?

For me this has been a defining year. It's a year Ed never saw. In some ways I have definitely moved ahead; in others not so much. But perhaps the balance leans to the first more than it did in the beginning.

I did email my former walking friend who I "dropped" a few months ago so I could pursue running. She was delighted to hear from me, invited me to Thanksgiving. I was grateful for the invite and who knows someday I may take her up on it. So I feel good about that.

I'm still not feeling Christmas. And I have to decide about cards.

Thanks for listening - it helps so much to express my thoughts here.

Hugs to everyone.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on December 6, 2014 at 3:32am

I've never felt self-conscious about it.  I'm still me.  This is my loss, not anyone else's, so I don't expect other people to think about Steve all the time, or even in passing, especially at work, where no one knew him and most people had never met him.  All they knew was what I told them.

You know, when I was in my early 20s, I wouldn't even go out on a Saturday night for a quart of milk because people would know I didn't have a date and the world would know what a total loser I was.  The reality is that the world is not looking at us.  The cold hard fact is that we do not matter, really, to anyone other than our closest friends and family.  That may sound harsh, but it's the truth.

Your husband was a huge part of your life.  So was mine.  Even when I was working 80 hours a week he was.  He was a much smaller part of your friends' lives and not a part of the lives of the world at large at all.  So of course they don't think about him.  They aren't mean, they are just living their own lives.  What is cataclysmic to you just isn't all that meaningful to them.  Them's the cold hard facts, honey.  

As for other women bitching about their husbands:  I have one of those.  Her husband has low self-esteem and is controlling.  She is irritated with him most of the time and I can see why.  He'd make me nuts too, just as my husband made me nuts much of the time.  (Mine can probably be attributed to years of mini-strokes that he ignored, I'm not sure whether her husband's is attributable to anything other than being a jerk.)  But the fact that my husband died doesn't make hers any less of a jerk.  I do remind her sometimes that if he died she would be as sad and conflicted as I am, and she knows that.  Doesn't change the fact that he drives her nuts.

So in answer to your question:  No, I don't feel self-conscious.  I'm still BergenJC -- self-deprecating, funny, generous, fat, stubborn -- all the things I was before.  I just have this void at the center of my life that has to be filled in with other things -- friends, hobbies, volunteering, whatever.


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