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Widowed in 2013

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Comment by Seashell on April 12, 2017 at 8:34am

I lit candles yesterday in memory of my husband, his mother, my friend's mother. I lit candles for my brother, John, and my parents who have all passed away. Afterward I took a scenic drive and stopped at a nursery and purchased a tomato plant, catnip (see if it works on my cat), seeds for chives and carrots and beans. Let's see how green my thumb can be. The evening before was spent having dinner with a friend who had lost her husband 20 years ago. My childhood friend text me her kind thoughts and my youngest daughter called to go over details for the upcoming Easter weekend events she and her sister have planned. I went to bed last night and fell asleep. This morning I awoke to the alarm going off. I prayed for strength. The cat who had been sleeping at the end of the bed came over for a quick pet and a "let's play" attitude. We played and then the routine of getting up and completing the morning chores along with eating breakfast began. Oh, how I longed to remain in the peace and quiet of my home. Off to work I went. 4 years 7 months to go.

Comment by Seashell on April 4, 2017 at 11:52am

I have a question for those of you who may have experienced this or know of someone who has. I can be on time or early in getting ready for work in the morning but by the time I get into my car I find that I am 15 minutes behind. It seems as though since Jerry passed away I have lost 15 minutes out of a 24 hour period.

Comment by Seashell on March 31, 2017 at 6:37am

Dear MissmyHusband: For the most part I have been finding a new happiness in my new life although I miss my husband dearly. I am able to connect with people like I hadn't been able to do in years. These feelings just came on so suddenly that they took me by surprise. This during a time when I am having to reevaluate my sibling relationships. The brother who would have been my greatest support died twenty years ago. My parents had problems of their own and left a legacy behind them of prejudice, anger, etc. that is frustrating for me to have my siblings see me as the person I am and not what they perceive me to be. My brother John and I were not only siblings but were friends. Soon the storm will pass, peace will return to my home, and I will be smiling and laughing with friends again. My love to all of you.

Comment by widow85 on March 30, 2017 at 6:36am

Whatever you and he had, however flawed, crooked, weird, wonderful, or whatever, was yours and his alone. Also, other people's lives ALWAYS seem so much more put together from our outside view, don't they? Hang in there. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on March 29, 2017 at 6:03am

OK, here's another "True Confessions" time.  I have nowhere else to talk about this but here.  

Those who have read my posts for the last three years know that I approach this "new normal" with a kind of grim determination to not let toxic thoughts poison my life -- to not let the dumb things people say bother me, to not let people bitching about their spouses be triggers, to not resent other couples, and so on.  I talk a good game, but I am in "painful regret" mode today, and here's why.

I am friendly with a couple who have been married a long time (over 40 years).  I met the husband first through a common interest group and then became friends with his wife.  So mostly it's just she and me as friends at this point.  The husband was having an "inappropriate friendship/emotional affair", and the wife had a revenge affair.  They were on the verge of divorce, but they couldn't afford it.  They went to counseling that didn't work, then started living mostly separate lives.  But they still enjoyed doing things together.  It is now 3 years after all this really started, and they both have now agreed to focus on each other and their relationship.  And it shows.  They have had a second chance.

I'm happy for them, but it makes me think of the second chance I didn't get...the chance for a fresh start in my own marriage that had become troubled, the chance for the fresh start that for a moment when my husband first became ill seemed possible, the chance for the fresh start that I had still hoped would be possible after he was done with his surgeries and treatments.

I envy that they had that chance.  I don't resent them for having it; I resented it more when they were willing to throw away the bond that they clearly still had which, as in all long-term marriages, transcends those moments when you feel you can't stand another minute with this person.  

I wish I'd had that chance.  I will always regret that I didn't.

Comment by Missmyhusband on March 28, 2017 at 6:21pm
Seashell - you are you now. It took me a long time. I'm four years out now. But, you are you now. I have the annuals coming up in April too. They freak me out every year. I have several - accident 4/13, death 4/23, funeral, 4/26. For many years I fought with my mind and my grief on being happy on any of those or any between. I found a way. A way to be happy instead. I hope you can too. I wish you the best and the most love!!!
Comment by Seashell on March 28, 2017 at 8:01am

I am beginning the two week countdown. Suddenly my emotions have turned and I am angry and yelling one minute and crying the next. The countdown to April 11th begins. In it I will begin reliving the last few days with my husband. The drive home from work with the duck walking across the road. The last time we went to Zion's and he slept so heavily in the car (that I thought maybe he had passed away then) while I walked to the stream but in view where he could see me if he awoke. Driving to our daughter's house in anticipation of the birth of her first child. The call from his doctor with the lab results showing more organs being affected. Dropping him off at the front door of the hospital and my parking the car a distance away just so he would almost be to the floor my daughter was on by the time I reached there. The tunneling - seeing him further away each time I looked back. His holding his grandchild for the first time. Him so frail he was afraid to drop the baby. The drive home and my frustration at him not listening to me. Being home the last night. His telling me there was more he wished he could do for me. The last day. The last time we spoke. The last time we kissed good-bye. And then he was gone... 

Comment by Imogen on March 26, 2017 at 2:24pm

Hi Elaine

I really have to work at it to do exercise.  My energy levels just dropped Jan 2015.  I understand what you are saying,  I don't have family for support, so grateful for groups I have joined.

I count my blessings, but I find that gets old.  Truth is, I am jealous he got to die & I am stuck here in this awful world.  I try to make the best of it.  Avoid the news if I can.  I find trying to keep a conversation on something positive difficult, people just want to talk about all the awful things going on.

Comment by elaine on March 24, 2017 at 2:18pm

I lost my husband in Feb.2013 and don't have any family, but I do have a supportive group of friends.  I suppose in this life we don't have everything and I count my blessings each day.  I am really feeling the loneliness now, don't have the stamina to keep "busy" all the time and find time goes very slowly. 

Comment by AMA on March 19, 2017 at 7:42pm

So sorry Nanci.  Yes, it will be four years since you lost Otis.  My husband died on January 17, 2013.  I am currently at 4 years and 2 months since he passed.  for some reason I struggle with this too...also the spring forward/fall back phenomenon!

Sometimes I feel like it is harder now than it was.  We had charted a course for our life and our kids but now I am in uncharted territory.  A son that is into playing sports (we never discussed if he can play tackle football, I think no but would my husband disapprove?), a daughter entering teenage years (do I let her go to the school dance?).  All these decisions that I am making on my own, questioning on my own.  Nobody else to blame if it all goes wrong for my children!

So sorry you are feeling sad.  I'm right there with you.


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