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Widowed in 2013

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on Saturday

(((DENISE)))

I wish you strength in reprocessing your marriage to regain solace in "it was always you" ...

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on Friday

I'm sorry you had to see that, Denise.  I think sometimes it is better to choose not to see.

My husband had what I always called "the scary drawer".  I knew that he kept a few girlie mags and things like Victoria's Secret catalogs there.  I didn't know if there was anything worse.  I made my brother-in-law clean it out after he died because I just didn't want to know.

I already knew some stuff when he was alive.  More than once I found the browser up with photos of dominatrixes with whips and men bound and gagged.  The first time I saw that I was horrified.  One time he even had names and phone numbers of women who did this.  I don't know if he ever followed up on them. I guess that fetish was better than if it were the other way around.

I was terrified of what I might find on the various flash drives that were laying around the house.  And I did see some downloaded photos.  We had a Mac mini that he alone used.  I just recently set it up and I was relieved that nothing disturbing was downloaded.

It can be hard to process these things because we don't know how to feel or what to do.  I always feel that my husband can hear what I say to him and sometimes I feel guilty when I bitch at him about things.

Comment by Schneesmom (Denise) on Friday

It will be 5 years on the 26th that my husband was told he had terminal cancer.  He died in Dec. 31, 2013.  I’ve recovered and started working with a cat rescue at the beginning of 2015 and it is great.  I still work and have about 10 more years of working.  I never took my wedding ring off since the day we married, 50 days before he died.  Until today.  

Earlier today I thought I should have an extra backup of some very important files on my computer, so I got an external hard drive out of my office and hooked it up.  It contained backups of my husband’s computer and I wanted to see if there was anything important or if the backups could be deleted.  I found a letter to a hotel chain regarding him using his points to put up a woman he cheated on his ex with at the hotel.  We got back together in 2003 and he told me he would not have contact with her any more.  I told him he could have me or her, but not both.  The letter was dated 2010.  I found her Facebook profile and looked through it (I thought it was odd that she posted a RIP message on his Twitter account right after he died).  I found a post that said she went to Brisbane, Australia in 2005 at the same time I know he travelled there.  I also know he took her to the same place when he was with her right before we got back together.  So, he lied.  Twice.  About the same person that he imploded his previous relationship because of and promised me he was done with.  

While all kinds of things swirled through my head, I remember what he said to me the last time he was able to speak:  “it was always you.  I always wanted you.”  I believe he was telling the truth then.  On the other hand, I also believe he lied.  I took my ring off for the first time since he put it on my finger in Nov. 2013.  I’m mad but not consumed with anger.  I spent a lot of time processing my feelings about various aspects of our relationship, but not this one because I did not know until today, though I guess I might have suspected something like this..... I just don’t know what to think.  I know it all wasn’t a lie, but evidently parts of it were.  That is why I took my ring off.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on July 2, 2018 at 3:34am

Today would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. No tears but I am thinking of that day!

Comment by booktime (Susan) on June 13, 2018 at 4:00am

I realized I posted back in April and I just want to share something that happened last night.

I came across a Victor Borge clip on FB and played it. And remembered so clearly Ed laughing until he cried at V. Borge. The man just cracked Ed up! I could hear Ed laugh and I was laughing too. It was wonderful and it was happy. It was vivid.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on April 13, 2018 at 1:53pm

Maggie, it is interesting how distant Ed has become. It will be 5 years for me in September. I do find I talk about Ed with greater ease, with fondness if you will. I like to remember him out loud and do so. But time does stand still. I might say oh Ed wouldn't have liked that or done that....but maybe he would have with a few more years? I don't know. 

Like Bergen, I do have a happy life and it's pretty full. I'm not retired...yet. And I don't desire anyone to "complete" my life though I think I do a certain amount of flirting at times, mostly with guys totally unavailable.

I do know that I have places to go! and right now my traveling companion will be my sister. We are having fun planning.

I think I bring Ed closer to me when I remember things about him. I also have put up pictures of him and I smile when I look at them.

Life is definitely different.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on April 13, 2018 at 8:44am

@Maggie:  Oh, dear God, YES!!  I was just thinking this last night.  I retired at the end of January and now I am living a happy life of puttering around, taking naps, seeing friends.  I'm settled into my no-longer-new home now, I have a nice circle of friends, and I have to admit that life is really good.  Most of the time I don't even feel like I miss my husband anymore because my life is full.  I joined a gym and go there 3-4 times a week.  The average age of members is around 55 because it is associated with a university hospital so I am comfortable there.  I feel no desire to meet anyone.  I will be 63 soon and my husband is forever 58.  

I watch what I want on TV.  I'm free to listen to music he looked down on.  If I'm gassy at night or snore, who cares?  I come and go as I please.  The only thing that I don't have is an intimate partner to travel with.  But I am a homebody anyway and there are plenty of people who solo travel and plenty of ways to do it.

I always said that I wanted to live life instead of photograph and video record it, but in doing that, I have lost a lot of memories that would help me remember.  My memories of everything but the last six months are fuzzy now, like it was someone else's life.  

In October I am going with my sister and brother-in-law to Jamaica to bury his ashes at sea.  I have a biodegradable paper urn that floats for 5 minutes and then sinks.  A friend has offered to help me transfer the ashes in case I find it too upsetting to do.  But I had to wait almost 5 years to dissociate a pile of gray stuff in a ceramic pot from "this is Steve".  

Intellectually I realize that this is a good thing, a normal thing, a desirable thing.  But yes, I'm with you -- the distance I feel is really upsetting.  I am the only person alive who cares that he even ever existed, and if I am really "moving on", then what does it all mean?  I don't care if anyone remembers me after I'm gone, but I hate the thought that I could lose him completely by simply living my life.

Comment by Maggie on April 13, 2018 at 8:35am

I'm approaching 5 yrs in July and have moved. But do you ever wish you could even just go back to when their death was fresh and you felt so intently the loss and sadness? Time seems to dull all that after a while and I just feel distant from it all now and I don't like that. It's not that I want to feel miserable again, but I want to feel close, closer to him...in time.

does this make any sense?

Comment by Seashell on March 27, 2018 at 1:01pm

April 11th is the 5th anniversary of Jerry's passing. It doesn't seem to be that long - until I look back. Today, I am not the woman I was when married to Jerry, I am not the woman I was after his passing, I am not the woman I was 4, 3, 2, 1 year, or 6 months ago. Each new turn I take in living the new experiences that come about help me to grow as a person. I have made some fantastic friends, become reacquainted with old ones, enjoy being a mother and grandmother. I live with a cat who rules my house and is great companionship for me. I purchased this new home for the first time all by myself and lived through the many breakdowns that occurred last December without taking a single tranquilizer. I still cry. I still have those moments when I awaken with the fear of abandonment. But, on the whole, I am enjoying my life. I love who I am and who I have become. I will be having my first "all girl" weekend ever in a couple of months and look forward to traveling with my friends and family. I am learning to create a balance in myself - being both male and female. It sounds funny to say it that way but Jerry and I had very traditional roles in what we did. I took care of the inside of the house while he took care of the yard and cars. He was a great help in the house too and never hesitated to pitch in and help. I miss the timing we had getting ready in the morning. I miss his laugh, how his eyes would change color when he was being mischievous, his holding my hand as we would sit and watch TV. Most of all I miss him when I am with our daughters. I want him to see what beautiful and strong women they have become. I want him to see how much our youngest grandson has grown and the special bond I know that he would have with our youngest granddaughter.

Comment by Brianne on March 25, 2018 at 12:30pm

Barbee I enjoyed your uplifting comments.  I too found someone who has made my life worth living again.  After 39 years of marriage I never thought I would be lucky enough to have love in my heart again.  Jan 6th I got remarried, something that I never saw in my future when I was first widowed.  We are happy and enjoy every day as we know that life can be unpredictable.  I am lucky to have found a man who has, with me, built a memorial to my husband.  We have added to it on the past 2 anniversaries and will again this October when it will be the 5th anniversary.  My hope is that we all find something that gives us the strength to enjoy life again whether that be alone or with a new partner.  I know our husbands would want us to be happy.  Hugs to you all.         

 

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