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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by Nieta on January 13, 2017 at 4:19pm

I felt it important to add that when I speak of my Patrick these days it is with and about fond experiences and the memories that we shared. I think of how he would have reacted to things and what he would have thought. 

I also miss a lot of things, including the tomorrows and future I'd hope to share with him.  I do still talk to him in my prayers or just in private moments in hopes that he somehow hears me.  My greatest hope, and dream is to share the story of the rest of my life with him in person at the end of my journey.

Comment by Nieta on January 13, 2017 at 4:03pm

Huge hug and plenty of understanding Dee.  Next month will mark 3 years since my husband passed and your experience resonates with my own. Especially the multiple wake up times and the occasional bouts of tears.  I still talk about my Patrick so that people realize that he remains a huge part of my life. 

Don't give too much importance to that hairdresser or anyone that simply doesn't get it.  You phrased it perfectly when you said that you hope she (or anyone else) never has to find out.  This is such a unique and  individual journey and I don't really expect anyone to "get it." 

My Patrick's birthday is coming up the week after next and I'm going away for the weekend with a childhood friend to enjoy a much needed break.  I still raise a glass and toast to him on his birthday, whether I'm with a friend or even if I'm alone.  Just because I can't see him, doesn't mean he doesn't exist.  He will always exist for me and I choose to celebrate with those friends who, thankfully, do get it.

Wishing you love, strength and peace of mind.

Comment by Dee on January 13, 2017 at 2:38pm

It's been a little over two and a half years, and I expected to be better by now.  The two worst times of day are bedtime and waking up, which I do several times a night.  As long as I keep busy, I can make it through the day, but that is harder in the winter when I can't be out in my gardens or riding my bike.  Sometimes I still just break out in tears, and I'm finding that more people expect me to be "over it" by now.  When I mentioned to my hairdresser how difficult his birthday had been, she said, "Oh, I didn't think stuff like that would be bothering you much by now."  I hope she never has to find out.

Comment by dougn52 on January 13, 2017 at 9:56am

Hope,
Tomorrow will be 3 years for me and I feel that way much of the time.  I work and that keeps me busy during the day,but it is very hard to  fill the hours when I am not at work.  It seems like I am killing time a lot of the time. My wife and I spent most of our free time together. Sometimes I wonder what I did before I got married. I can't see myself getting married again, but I don't know how to fill up the void in my life. 

Comment by Froggie4635 on January 13, 2017 at 6:17am

Dear Hope..

I just passed 25 months, and like you I don't cry nearly at all anymore.  I feel guilty about that sometimes, because I think it means I am not feeling the loss.  But I feel it in other ways.  The other day,at a work function, I stopped myself from sharing with a colleague who I really do not work with that I lost my husband two years ago.  I felt it wasn't relevant to the situation.  Many others at my table knew already, so I thought it best to not bring it up.  I felt really bad about that, like denying my widowhood.  But I guess it is all the process of becoming someone new.  Sure, there are many things about me that will always be the same; part of who I was before I met and married Mark.  I made a huge change recently by finally getting my driver's license.  So now that catapulted me into a whole new way of living my life.  It is empowering and frightening at the same time.  I am now truly standing on my own, and it can be overwhelming if I really sit and think about it.  But there are also more things that point to the absence of Mark, and that I deal with on a daily basis.  We weren't together as long as so many who post here....but we loved each other deeply, and I am still very much in love with him.  I just have to learn a different way to do that.

Comment by Hope on January 13, 2017 at 5:26am

I am at 19 months. I don't cry nearly as often and I do miss him very much but what I find is that now I am struggling with finding an identity and living life with purpose. I am retired so there are a lot of hours. I do volunteer work, in a book club, see friends and family and meditate, etc etc but every day still feels like an effort. Its such unfamiliar territory after living for 35 years with the love of my life.  Are there others here that feel this way and how do you cope with it?

Comment by Hope on January 13, 2017 at 5:26am

I am at 19 months. I don't cry nearly as often and I do miss him very much but what I find is that now I am struggling with finding an identity and living life with purpose. I am retired so there are a lot of hours. I do volunteer work, in a book club, see friends and family and meditate, etc etc but every day still feels like an effort. Its such unfamiliar territory after living for 35 years with the love of my life.  Are there others here that feel this way and how do you cope with it?

Comment by Damianino! on January 4, 2017 at 5:09am

Dear Debz, Gwamma, Doug and Family Happy New Year. I have not moved because I discovered that for me, the memories trail me deeper than physical things can ever influence me. Admittedly pictures are iconic in the way they take one back memory lane. But in the final analysis, the memories are stored up in our CPU and one tiny fragment of anything...a similar perfume, gait of a person, music on the radio...anything really can send hordes and torrents of memories flooding in to the level that you are temporarily overwhelmed. And so I have come to realise that we all have to carry our baggage everywhere we go because these memories are not in a location or part of our brain where we can press delete and be rid of it. So I am learning to carry mine and balance it with the pressures of everyday life. When it overwhelms me i do not fight it...i simply revel in it and wait for it to blow over and then try to function as best as I can. I wish you all a better year ahead. ((((Hugs))))

Comment by dougn52 on January 3, 2017 at 4:52pm

Debz,

I understand, but material things are just that.  The memories, cards, letters, etc. are the important things.  Those are the things I will keep, also, besides just a couple of pieces of furniture that were from my wife's grandmother.  I think what has kept me stable at this point is my job.  If it was easy for me to move, I probably would have done the same things you did.

Comment by Debz on January 3, 2017 at 12:59pm

@gwamma, Doug, I moved from my home within weeks of my hubby's death. I couldn't stand to be in the house. I sold everything ( i regret that now) All I kept was the things,he gave me, cards, letters, presents, and the rest went. I had an auction house come in. I moved to Vermont, then after a year, I moved to GA. I bought a house, sold a house. I now live in an apartment until I can really try and figure out what I need to do. Just reading this tells me what a basket case I was. I hope I am doing it right now. I miss him terribly. 

 

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