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Widowed in 2014

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Members: 402
Latest Activity: Nov 23

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Comment by idaho on November 23, 2016 at 7:15am

omg..that poem struck home for sure! my daughter 16 has...sort of...made up memories. its strange. "i remember when dad gave this to me" but he in fact did not give it to her, i did.but I say nothing. unfortunatly most of her memories are of caretaking as he was sick so long so I let her keep whatever memories she needs. we are lucky that we have videos of when the kids were younger and though he is usually behind the camera..you can hear his voice and remember the moment. happy thanksgiving everyone. we no longer cook as it was his favorite and a bit hard for us- we are going to a movie

Comment by dougn52 on November 23, 2016 at 7:04am

Mo, sometimes I am struck by how similar my experiences/feelings are to others on this site.  I know exactly how you and your daughter feel.  I had the same fear exactly.  But, maybe I am at a different point in the process-I'm not really sure-but I realized that I would never forget.  And in a strange way many of my memories are more vivid now than ever.  I seem to remember good times from years ago that I have not thought about for a long time.  For a 21 year old it might be harder because she has less memories.  I should talk to my own daughter about that, but I try to remind her of things so she does not forget.

Comment by Mo on November 23, 2016 at 6:49am
"There are days when the image of your face never leaves my mind
And glimpses I catch of you as if life had a quick rewind
But your laughter and smile are slowly slipping from the place of my memory
And I wonder how much longer grief and sorrow will haunt and hurt me
Yet I'm terrified that when I stop feeling I'll stop remembering and when I stop remembering I'll stop dreaming and when I stop dreaming you will forever leave me"

Written by my 21 Year old daughter

She helped me put some unsettling feeling to words.

To remember something of my wife I now have to go to a filing cabinet, sift through the files and pull it out to contemplate it. It used to be that all these files were scattered on my desk and everywhere. Everywhere I walked, everywhere I even glanced. This created huge pain but also kept me connected. This was the familiarity I had with her. As days and weeks and months and now years go by these files have been put away and filed away in some mortuary way that can be accessed anytime I take the effort to pull them out. And now my desk is clean. I have yet to understand if it is better to have a clean desk or a messy one. Both scenarios have there pros and cons and both have overwhelming costs.

I just posted this on a different forum but I wanted to put it here also.
Comment by Gwamma on November 16, 2016 at 10:38am

Neita....I LOVE THAT!  Next time someone asks me what I'm thinking when I get that faraway look, I'll just tell them I'm visiting Harry.  Most of the time that's EXACTLY what I'm doing! 

Comment by dougn52 on November 15, 2016 at 12:07pm

It's amazing how we all seem to have the same problems.  My wife died in January of 2014 and I too am still looking for a purpose.  I work, but only to fill the days and make money.   Work has a different meaning when you are taking care of a family.

Comment by Gary'swife on November 15, 2016 at 9:40am

Just me -  Thank you for letting me know,  I am not alone.  I never managed to follow-up on the Salvation Army, so just one more failed attempt.  .  I did manage to go to a coffee gathering for writers (although I don't really write, I have taken a couple of classes and have an interest).  I only managed to go because a friend was going with me.   During this meeting everyone was talking about all the books they were reading, so now I think maybe I will just sit around and read books.      

Gary's son is very ill, apparently needs a heart transplant. When I learned of this, it was the first time I thought "it's a good thing Gary is not around to know about this".  

It reminds me that all of our lives go on, not always as we would want.      

Cheers to all.

Comment by Just.me on November 14, 2016 at 9:02pm
Hi Gary's Wife. I'm 63 and am having the same difficulty with finding purpose in my life. It seems like I've tried so many things, but I can't seem to really click or stick with anything for very long. Or if I do, I'm so inconsistent. I'm approaching the two-year date of my husband's passing and I get less interested in life away from my own home, the closer I get to that date. After two years of trying, you would think I could get back into the world and find something to motivate me. I fear that I'm always going to be floating and never able to settle into real life again. My latest endeavor is to do some sewing for a karate group where my granddaughters take classes. It's not a big commitment, but it's all I can do right now. I wish you and others the best with your efforts.
Comment by Gary'swife on October 15, 2016 at 4:06pm

I'm struggling with finding some purpose to my life.   I am 60 years old, widowed 2 times, retired, and I keep searching for some sort of volunteering that I think will make an impact.

After several false starts, I have now signed up to volunteer with the Salvation Army.  They are doing a lot with helping homeless families (so they say, they started a new program last year), so will see how it goes.  I really enjoy cooking, and would like to teach people how to cook so they can save money and eat healthy.    I just feel that I running in circles, looking for somewhere to stop.  Hope it's not musical chairs and I end up on the floor.     

Comment by Nieta on October 10, 2016 at 1:08am


Comment by Nieta just nowDelete Comment

Hi MickeysLove,  

Your mention of the Finger Lakes struck a chord with me, as I was just about to make a reservation in a very nice hotel for my husband and I to go there in early Spring.  Unfortunately, he died of a sudden and unexpected heart attack at work just two days before Valentine's Day.  

We would usually travel together during the in between weather and Fall has always been my favorite season.  He knew that I loved to watch the leaves turn colors among other things.   He would always go all out when we went places and I have beautiful memories that we created together.

I am 2 years and nearly 8 years along in my journey and I've learned to simply disregard critical or judgemental comments because the best authority on my journey is me.  I will always miss and love my husband more than words can say.  

Sometimes people ask where my mind is at a given moment and I reply that I am simply visiting my husband.

Wishing you strength, courage and peace of mind in this unique journey.

Sending a huge virtual hug.

Comment by Gary'swife on October 9, 2016 at 10:32am

@Damianino- So sorry you were used.  It can happen to people, widowed or not.  I think that after losing our loved one from death (not divorce), makes us a bit more vulnerable.  

 

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