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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by Nieta on June 13, 2016 at 2:12am

Hoping the following link helps Idaho.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Comment by idaho on June 12, 2016 at 10:51pm

soooo fathers day is coming up. anyone have any suggestions on how to handle that day with my 15 yr old "daddy's girl?"- she is sooooo sad, as am I

Comment by Jeane on June 11, 2016 at 4:22am
My second anniversary is coming up July 16. I hate the dates April 15, day we went to ER for possible TIA, May 8, brain surgery, May 18 day of worst diagnosis of GBM and in between, wedding anniversary, our birthdays, etc. I am lonely even with my children living at home, me joining Sisters on the Fly after learning to pull our fifth wheel. Have gone on lots of trips and leaving Wednesday for a 2-1/2 month trip to the NW with some wonderful women and many widows also but I am still lonely. I do not let anyone know this and can fake a smile and attitude easily. I do hate to see other couples together. I have gone to Ervin's Army reunion alone because it was on our anniversary, but I was alone, people do not want to talk to you. I have also gone twice to his Police Retiree get together and it is like I am not there so it really bothered me I couldnot take it I left. I am tired of people either not talking, I go up to them and make them talk, or looking at me like, poor thing. We were together 24/7 for years and now I am alone. I hate doing things on my rv, house, car alone but at least I had a fantastic teacher because I can do a lot of things most women cannot. A friend signed me up on a widows dating site and ugh...where did they find some of these guys, are they really widowers? I miss talking to a decent man. I do not speak to my two sisters and my brothers call sometimes and ask me why I Never call them. I talk more to my bff's husband probably because she passed only a year ago and us four did so much together and he gets it. Sorry this is so long, I have not been on this site for a very long time because... Hope everyone has a good weekend. Jeane
Comment by Gwamma on June 9, 2016 at 1:59pm

Here it is June 2016.  Almost up to the 2 year anniversary on 7/29.  It feels as if that was another lifetime I lead back before Harry's passing.  And now I lead this new, lonely lifetime.  I keep myself as busy as possible.  Sometimes more to do than time will allow.  I am grateful for this.  But I am also resentful that all the burdens of life are now mine alone to handle.  I have no one to talk it over and make decisions with.  I have no one to share my joys and sorrows with.  There is just me.  And my diary.  I have family nearby and family quite far away, but I wouldn't dream of bothering them with my thoughts or my burdens.  It just isn't the same without a mate and best friend to live with and love and care for and be taken care of.  Somehow it never even entered my mind that I would ever be a widow.  And I am amazed that I, who plan and worry about everything...never even thought of the subject of death of one of us.  It makes me wonder what else God has in store for me before I, too, pass away.   And to think that for many many years my biggest fear was spending time all by myself!  Now, the majority of my time is spent alone and the fear no longer exists. 

Comment by Nieta on June 9, 2016 at 1:18pm

Hi again Chris,

I understand what you mean when you say you are not alone, but you are.  We never had any human children and my parents are retired in Florida.  They are not in a condition to travel so they couldn't be present at the memorial service I arranged for my husband and I went to visit them ~ 2 months after Patrick passed. 

My mom has always been terrified of losing my dad and I'm sure she never imagined that my husband would die instead.  My own mom cannot truly understand what I am experiencing and I know that is torture for her.  In an effort to "fix me" she's pretty much said all the wrong things and at the wrong times.  We lost my only sibling (a brother) nearly 3 decades ago, so she thinks she understands what I am going through.  I explained that it is neither comparable or a contest, and that it is simply different. I won't go into the other things she said because they were pretty awful and I don't actually believe her intentions were to hurt me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that even those closest to you don't always know what to say or do.  Sometimes you just need someone to be there for you and to "listen."

Comment by cmllips on June 8, 2016 at 10:46pm

Hi All, haven't posted in a long while. Read all the posts though. Coming up on 21 months on the 10th.  Seems like forever but yet just like it was yesterday. Keeping myself busy with the house and 5 acres. 2 lawn mowers are down. The only thing running is the weed whacker. Not a fun time. Even the 1948 8N Ford tractor is refusing to start. With my mechanic gone I am having to rely on friends to help when they can. Seems like we play a lot of phone tag or no shows. I'm beginning to think I need to take a class in small engines. LOL.

My adult daughter (whom is now living back home with her husband and 3 children) came home from work yesterday all upset and in tears. Seems a discussion came up at work about seeing loved ones in the after life. Someone told her that since her dad was Morman and she was not that she wouldn't be seeing him in the afterlife. Her dad and I chose to let our children choose what religion they wanted to persue when they got old enough. I am Lutheran and he was Morman . We selected the Community Church in our area for the kids to attend Awana's to learn about Jesus Christ and the Bible. The girls believe in God but are not religious and our son thinks all Churches are cults. I had a hard time answering my daughter about seeing her dad since I know nothing about the Morman belief system. I finally told her that we are all Gods children and that what she believes in will happen in the afterlife. What a thing to think about all night. I believe we will see him again. I talk to him all the time. I hate it when someone tells me I won't.

Comment by Keinecke on June 8, 2016 at 8:38pm
Thanks Nieta for welcoming me, well I lost Paul 2 years ago and I am not alone but I am alone, my grown daughter is around but she has no idea what I am going through, I have been finding some comfort in this group have not really spoken but been reading a lot. I have just moved out of the state of Fla where my husband and I had our house, trying to start somewhat of a different life. To be with family. I never thought I would be living without Paul. I find myself sad most of my days but I do have something to keep me busy during the day but night time I am finding is still very hard, but one step at a time that is what I keep telling myself anyway.
Comment by Nieta on June 8, 2016 at 3:45pm

Hi Chris,

I am truly sorry for your loss.  Every journey/experience is different but you might recognize some similarities. 

My first year was different from my second.  At first I thought the second year was actually worse but it was simply different.  I seemed to want to do everything very fast the first year, like changing the furniture in the room where my husband paid the bills, played computer games, relaxed and watched sports.  We'd also watch TV together in that room and cuddled up with our canine son and canine nephew.  I couldn't look at it withougt picturing him in that room.  I also moved furniture around, took down the wallpaper in the kitchen and painted it, designed a piece of jewelry, the list goes on.

For the first time in my life, I lived alone and everything was/is now up to me.  I basically went from living with my parents to establishing a home with my husband.  I have no choice but to get used to the new circumstances but that does not mean I like them.  I try my best to go forward and I seem to be most distracted when I am working or when I go out with a girlfriend or more to the movies or dinner, etc.

I don't simply miss being married though, I miss my husband.  We were everything to each other and I sometimes still feel a little lost.  I can control the tears better and the grief seemingly evolves/morphs into different stages as some call them.  Sometimes I feel like I am regressing and other times I believe I'll be okay.

I find helping others helps me.  Kind of like the CPR class that I took.  My Patrick died of an unexpected heart attack and I needed to understand what happened and what didn't happen.  I also needed to know that I could help someone should the need ever arise.  I participated in a walk to raise funds, awareness and education for the American Heart Association.  I also did a breast cancer walk because I figured the funds would help others and I was walking a lot anyway.  Walking seems to help, especially when you meet and interact with others.

Sometimes I feel the need to simply be alone and hide out.  I don't want to see or speak with anyone or be seen or heard by anyone.  I have learned some things along the way and I expect I still have a lot to learn.  I've taken trips by myself  as well and I find that I enjoy both the experience of going off on my own adventure at times and sharing adventures with others sometimes. 

Continuing what remains of my life without Patrick is not what I imagined or wanted, but perhaps if I fill it with good and wonderful things and experiences, I can share that with him again some day.  That is my dream...

Comment by Keinecke on June 7, 2016 at 2:26pm
Hello my name is Chris, I passed my 2 year loss of my husband in April, I still can't seem to get through this. I feel like I am only surviving not living and I know my husband would have never want me to be what I have Become. I just can't cope with life, can I ask how other people are doing it?
Comment by Nieta on June 7, 2016 at 11:21am

I just renewed my CPR certification today in honor and memory of my husband.  I certified the very year that I lost him, which wasn't easy because I got to see firsthand what might have transpired when he had his heart attack and, I can't help but wonder what might have gone wrong. 

It happened shortly after 10pm when he would have been on his way home and not many people would have been in the office for that shift.  Thoughts spring to mind like:

  • Was there a qualified/certified person on hand to administer CPR before the paramedics arrived? 
  • Did they hesitate too long before acting?
  • Were they able to locate an AED?
  • Did anyone know how to use it? 

I guess I could drive myself crazy wondering what was done or what could/should have been done and whether his life could have been saved if they reacted more quickly/efficiently.  I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore. 

While I hope I never have to use what I learned in CPR training, at least I know that I am prepared and capable of trying to save someone's life should they ever need it. 


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