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Also shut down any social media accounts that either of you may have like Twitter or Instagram.
You should both be on high alert. I would personally shut down my FB account and make the police aware of the circumstances.
Doug, I don't think you're crazy for being on high alert, because you have a rational basis for feeling that way after losing your dear first wife. However, I must say that I envy your wife's happy-go-lucky "innocent" attitude. I imagine that you were attracted to that attitude and don't want her to lose it. So I suggest that you do what you can to ease your own "alert" system without destroying her way of living life without such alerts. Perhaps you can share your feeling very much on "alert" with her while acknowledging that you are probably overly sensitive to being in harm's way. Ask her if, for your sanity's sake, you could both deactivate your Facebook accounts for awhile and to ask the police to swing by the house occasionally. In other words, do what you need to feel comfortable while helping protect her "innocence." Wishing you both safety and continued happiness.
Doug- I do not think you are overreacting. Perhaps it is because we know of very bad outcomes with these type of situations.
Also, I know for myself after my first husband got cancer and then died, I became much less certain things would work out for the good. I guess it's just experience that it didn't.....and maybe I should be more on high alert. I would definitely hide your profiles on facebook, and also see if the police might stop by ......if the guy is watching your place this might discourage him.
MickeysLove, You are not whining :)
I had a good relationship with my step children. I was there for them for years when their mother was crazy. when we paid for college, European trips for graduations, support financially and emotionally for years. Then the news in May, (from my sister in law) that my step son was getting married, and did I want to ride to VA together...one problem. I wasn't invited and no one knew that. It hurt a lot. It still does. I know my husband would be so disappointed. I have decided that in this one area I am going to have to move on. They have no time for me. Now I have none for them, a true shame given the relationship I thought we had. If I have learned one thing in the past three years it is this. If people, any people, want to be in your life they will find a way to be there. If not, then they are not worth our time and additional grief their behavior brings.
MickeysLove, First of all you are not a horrible person. I have some things in common with you; and I have talked to friends who assure me I am not a horrible person because I have felt this way too,. I have given up contact with the stepchildren, who were not here when we needed them and one did more harm than good. They all showed up at the first memorial and one at the 2nd. The 2 exes were at both and made a big show. I sat silent. My marriage was miserable for a few years before he died, he was sick and miserable and so was I watching my mother die and trying to keep them both alive and deal. After he died I went through his things and made boxes with gifts for the grandchildren and keepsakes for his daughters. The one daughter nearby (who is a felon and has many illegitimate children and hurt her father very much with her bad behavior) kept canceling and then showed up 3 hours late months later and kept the grandkids in the car. I went out and insisted one open up her gift in front of me. She never brought them over on holidays after I bought and wrapped the gifts I would send with the other kids to deliver. So she called a couple times after he died and tried to invite her and her kids over and each time it was not convenient for me. I emailed and invited her for other times and tried to call. But now I have given up. My friends know what a mess she is and so does his sister; they tell me I am right to distance myself.
Of course I know he would want me to do all I can for them but they never acted like my family. They never even wished me a happy birthday, and never came over on Christmas day. They saw their father and me once or twice a year. The 2 older ones are having a good life and stable, and I did invite the eldest for a visit a couple years ago via email but never heard back. So I feel at peace with my decision to give up. They are in my will and beneficiaries list. That is enough. I would love to be with one of the granddaughters but that would involve the rest. I have stopped feeling guilty.
Maybe you need to stop thinking about them and move forward too?
I am a horrible person at least that is how I feel. I don’t know if I’m losing it or this is my grief talking. Next month will be 3 years since my husband passed, we were married 15 years when he passed and in those 15 years things between his kids and myself and my husband at times was strained. With that being said, his kids barely spoke to him the last year of his life and only his oldest daughter made the attempt to visit him while he was in the hospital, but only when she was in on a run (she is an EMT). Two nights before he passed he asked to see his kids one last time, they all showed up, but took their sweet time coming. He spoke to each one of them and asked them what they have been up to, they all put on a pretty good show for him and he passed days later thinking that his children loved him. His oldest daughter came to both viewings and attended the funeral, while his second oldest daughter only attended the first viewing. His youngest daughter and son (twins) didn’t even bother to come to either viewings or the funeral. Of course they say it is because of me…. So, I made a decision at that point that I would not speak to them again. I saw the anguish and heartache their father went through from the way they treated him and his family saw that as well. So, last Sunday his oldest daughter got married and I was not invited (not a big surprise) but the rest of the family was invited also not a big surprise. What really has hurt me is that no one spoke about it – like it was a big secret that I wasn’t allowed to know about. I can no longer trust my husband’s family with anything I say or do because I don’t know what is getting back to his kids and what isn’t. The very people who were so pissed off about the kids not coming the viewings or funerals are now all friendly with them and I feel as though they are treating me like shit – excuse the language. Now I’m second guessing whether my decision to not speak to the kids anymore is the correct decision, matter of fact I am second guessing everything I do and say anymore. I’m not even sure I want to be here anymore. I just feel as though I’m done, I can go on not speaking to anyone anymore so I know if they contact me it’s because they want to not because they feel sorry for me; or I can just not bother with anyone. I just don’t know what to do anymore….
Sorry to be so whiny…
I lost my husband nearly 3 1/2 years ago and it still seems weird to me to either say or type those words.
Most days I cope better than I used to but, I definitely still have moments when I feel sad or just plain numb.
There are still so many things in the apartment that I need to part with, like books that were more his interest, excess furniture. I do what I can when I can best deal with it, but the best word that describes the feeling is numb. Blocking out all emotion so that I can mechanically do what needs to be done.
I could definitely use a good cry and the tears live in a place inside of me that I can control most of the time. They do, however, still occasionally spill out when I don't want them to despite my best efforts to hold them in. I thought I had stopped having days where I didn't step foot outside the apartment because I didn't want to speak to or be heard by anyone or see anyone or be seen by anyone. And yet, this past Saturday/Sunday was one of those weekends.
Patrick and I had a canine son for a child and both my boys are hanging out together now. Our little Westie, Tazzy lived a full life of nearly 17 years with us and my husband joined him just five years later. My mom and dad are still alive and retired in another state but I have to earn my living where I am. It scares the heck out of me at times that my only sibling is also on the other side and that I alone am responsible for them now.
All I can do, is have faith, and take one day/moment at a time.
Wishing you strength love and courage in your journey.
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