Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2014

It's always hard to accept that we will be getting new members each year. Please know that you are welcome ANYWHERE on the site. A few members who were widowed in 2013 will join you so that you don't feel so alone here as it is early in the year. 

Members: 174
Latest Activity: yesterday

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Comment by Gary'swife yesterday

((Eli))  Thank you for your true words.  

Like everyone here, I don't even want to think of my future life, but

prefer to try and "not think" as it hurts too much.  But I hope I am taking

small steps.  Eli, I remember all you mentioned you went through, and please look at how far you have come.  I always enjoy reading your posts, and wish you the best with your students.  I am sure you will be a big inspiration to them.

Hugs

Lynda

Comment by Eli on Sunday

Gary'swife: I feel with you for the tears and the cloud they seem to bring with them. I think you are right in feeling that the reason you couldn't give in to crying was because you were so careful your love didn't see you upset, most probably you feel his presence so strongly around you that it has resulted in you carrying on with your holding yourself in and 'being strong'. The appearance of your tears is a small step forward- you just found a little piece of the puzzle that your future life is. There is no proper way of crying, the tears that seem to come from deeply inside sometimes trickle out, and other times gush out like an unstoppable torrent. After I once couldn't stop crying my eyes out over several days my face went lopsided... that did hold me in check for a little time. I am so sorry about your pain about the loss of your love, and your tears, just don't be afraid of them and as I said before, think of them as each a loving kiss for your love... Big warm hug and love, E x

Comment by Eli on Sunday

Hallo all...I'm sorry I have been 'away' for so long and not felt capable of supporting anyone nor sharing my feelings. These last two months have been positively what I call 'schizophrenic'.

The academic year started at my new job as a university lecturer ans so I tightened my mental belt and tried to prepare for meeting all the fresh faced students, so full of dreams and hopes and wishes whom I am now responsible for and who I must help shape their future. My biggest question and fear is 'How can I be of any real help to all these wonderful young people when I feel so empty? When my life no longer has a future nor dreams nor projects, and I don't really care but take a day at a time, and even just that leaves me so drained and tired?' Preparing lessons which will motivate and enthuse is so formulaic. My love, Zozo always helped me with ideas and the preparation of material as he was so very good with all IT related, something which is a must in the class in this age and day, and even though I do feel I am moving a little bit forward, it just hurts and makes me miss him so much more.

This month was my birthday too, on the 13th. My first birthday without him. Zozo would spend weeks preparing something special for me on that day, and made me feel so incredibly very special. I just dreaded waking up to my birthday, to the emptier than usual day. Suddenly my godson and nephew, Chris announced he had been given a week off from work due to having put in so many overhours, and could he come and spend it with me? I decided to break out of what has become a very tiny comfort zone, and remembering what a good friend Chris also has become, and how much Zozo liked him, and that it was 4 years since I last saw Chris, I told him just to come over. Chris drove all the way from Holland to the South of Hungary, where I live, and the week he was here was spent visiting some of Zozo's and my favourite places (which I felt comfortable visiting with Chris but hadn't so far with anyone else), cooking, walking, and introducing him to the few people I have contact with here, and who are becoming dear friends- I am so glad he came. Needless to say my little house felt quiet empty after he left, but I also feel that this was Zozo's birthday gift to me. He never wanted me to feel lonely, and worried so for my happiness- and I am so grateful to my love for this.

Now I sit and try to go through the lessons I have prepared for next week, and try to think of all the other obligations I have to fulfil for my job, so hard when all I feel like doing is crawling back in bed, throw the blankets over my head and hope Zozo will come to me in my dreams and I will be able to refill a little of the void with the wonders of our love.

To all of you, I wish you a good week. Be strong, be kind to yourselves, and patient, keep healthy. Much peace, and happy little milestones on this strange road. Hugs and my love, Elizabeth

Comment by Gary'swife on Sunday

(((Kerrie))) so sorry.  Up until recently I haven't cried much, which I thought was really weird (I cried SO much after my first husband died), but now it has started. That horrible crying where you can barely catch your breath.  I know you hate the tears, and although I do as well, I am certain it is really necessary in  processing our loss.

I can't figure out why I didn't cry until now.  I think maybe because for the last 3 years (since Gary's stroke), and especially the last 6 month (with so many issues), I forced myself to"be strong, don't cry", because Gary hated to see me cry.  I guess maybe I had internalized the do not cry.. (maybe like little boys are taught not to cry?).  Anyway, now I am with you on the triggers, which today seems to be most everything.  I pulled it together enough to go to the store, but am always sure to wear my glasses with black frames to hopefully hide my puffy eyes.

Comment by Kerrie on Friday
Today's tear trigger. ..I was cleaning the microwave which by the way was probably the first time I did so..Don would handle the kitchen duties. And I took a picture of a magnet I bought last night: if GOD brings you to it, HE will bring yiu through it" and I was sending a picture of that and one of the memorial rose bush I planted (with a little bit of Don) on Valentines day with 3 blooming roses and I was typing messsge with those two pictures and out came the waterworks.
Comment by Gary'swife on Thursday

Shelly- good for you.   Glad it turned out well.  I know it's not easy to force oneself to take on such tasks.  You set a good example for all of us. 

Comment by Dave55 on Thursday

Hugs Shelly. that sounds so wonderful.  Being tired after something like that can be a blessing as well.  Hope that things continue to improve regardless of the size of the steps.

Comment by sugr-plum (shelly) on Thursday

:) breakfast was great... kids were wonderful about it being a few minutes late (haha silly hashbrowns!) and the parents who helped were amazing! I'm glad I forced myself to carry on my husband tradition he started with us.  I'm exhausted from a long day... started my day and will end my day in tears... but its no longer the norm... and for that... I'm grateful.  

Comment by sugr-plum (shelly) on September 24, 2014 at 9:20am

4 years ago, my husband started a tradition of cooking breakfast for the kids who came to "see you at the pole" ... this morning, its just me and a few moms (SO glad to have support from them) I"m angry and crying and tired (BAD COMBO) I really hope the kids appreciate this and that my class is well behaved.  Tough day for sure.  I'm about a week from 6 months... so the emotions are already pretty high (my hope is that once again, the days leading up to angelversaires are worse than the day itself).  I just needed to let someone know how difficult this is... now to go "be fine" out in the real world... where I won't scare off kids and cause them 'undue stress'

Comment by Gary'swife on September 23, 2014 at 2:38pm

((Dave55,Flissa))  Thanks for the comments.   I know what you mean about the introduction, and the emotions.  I couldn't go into details, could barely choke out "he died".  The group I am in is actually for younger widows/widowers- up to age 60.  There are 6 women and 4 men, which is unusual, but certainly nice.  Most have been in the group 2 years or more, so I am definitely the newbie.  They all told their stories, and it was obvious this was something they had done many times.  I think maybe that is what I need to do, to get it out and cry about it, rather than keeping it bottled up.  I think I am in avoidance of anything which hurts.  I know this is not healthy in the long run, because as they say "grief buried is grief buried alive".   

 

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