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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by gennaswife on February 3, 2016 at 10:38pm
Peaches@thebeach- thanks for the metaphors. You are right, as moms of young kids we're never alone. In the end it has to be enough to live for our kids now. Another lesson that this life has taught me.
Comment by Lizabet on February 3, 2016 at 9:12pm

Peaches@thebeach - I truly enjoyed your metaphors!  Excellent job of using your photos to describe the different stopping (or moving forward?) points of this journey.  I had a rough few weeks as I approached the 18 month "rememberversary."  I finally turned a corner this past Saturday.  I think my difficult times have to do with letting go of "things."  I had no problem getting rid of his clothes when he passed, but his gentleman's ring, and 1950 Studebaker pickup, and all the items in his wood shop...those aren't nearly so easy.  Any way, I'm moving forward again - and it feels SO much better.

Comment by peaches@thebeach on February 3, 2016 at 5:44pm

Missingyou.....moving forward for your children. Loss comes in all shapes, and they need to know there is life after loss. We can't let them think loss destroys us forever. My husband's wish was for me to move on, and at first I couldn't imagine. But then I look at our 3 children, and I realize that they need solid ground to build their foundation. They can't do that if I'm not actively working my grief and showing them there is still life to live. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, and I'm glad. I can't move forward being the same person. Grief changes us, and we can decide how that transformation goes. I want my children to see me as a person that didn't wait for the "something amazing". I sought the "something amazing". I may be physically alone in my journey, but I carry my husband's spirit in my heart. Some days are better than others and I don't have a plan. My energy comes at the oddest times some days, so my efforts are sporadic at best sometimes. But I must stay focused on my end point, my children. They are my reality, and some days they give me my "something amazing".  I hope you find that "something" that can heal you and help you to move forward. And, from mommy to mommy, are we ever alone?? ;)

Comment by missingyou on February 2, 2016 at 9:01pm

peaches@thebeach---i love your post and the pictures, really described my life right now. Coming on 2 years, its been getting really hard, realizing that this is the reality now and facing life alone, raising my 2 boys---always looking for that distraction and something amazing :) but in the end still alone, moving forward, for what???

Comment by peaches@thebeach on February 2, 2016 at 8:02pm

I thought I'd share my experiences on my beach walk this morning:

This was the view that greeted me when I arrived at the beach for my morning walk. Funny, my walk felt like a perfect metaphor for widowhood. Everything you've ever known has been taken away from you, so you're standing on shifting sands with only a few feet of certainty in front of you. And the loneliness. No one understands the fog you're in, so being alone is part of the journey. You put one foot in front of the other, knowing you must move forward. But move forward to what? What awaits in that fog?

You come across a few well-meaning distractions that might derail or delay you from moving forward. (But really, who wants to look at birds all day? And they fly away leaving you alone. Again.)

And then there are things that come out of nowhere and try to trip you up. (Yes, that's a snake. Yes, it was alive. Yes, I took a picture and left him, quickly!)  It would be easy to turn back. To say "I'm done". But what if something amazing is around the next bend?

Sometimes that "something amazing" will be small, like a shell in the sand. But that "something small" encourages you to move forward a little more. And with each "something small" you're changing you're shifting sands to solid ground again. And you're wondering "what amazing thing could be around the corner?"

3 miles to this. Standing on solid ground, while around me is a moving, shifting world. I'm 2 days into my "New Year" and I feel this picture perfectly. Piece by piece. One moment at a time, and I'll find my solid ground. There may be sand in my socks and my Brooks are soaked (again!), but no one ever said this wouldn't be messy! I hope all of you can find you're piece of solid ground! And beware of snakes on the beach! ;)

Comment by Froggie4635 on January 31, 2016 at 6:34pm

Sandi...

I am feeling so much better to read and hear that there are many who are feeling the exact way I am.  My husband also got great joy when I was doing something creative...he was always so encouraging. I try to find more creative outlets...right now I have taken to finding things on Pinterest that touch me and print them out.  Some I frame; most I post around my desk at work.  Sayings and pictures to encourage me, calm me...remind me to be patient with myself.  I put some in a sketch book, and will use it as a grief journal....giving me guided things to write about.  I have slowed down my journal writing, because it seems I write the same thing...I miss you.  Sometimes that is the only thing I can think about.  I am glad to have this group who know and understand it just doesn't feel the same anymore.

Comment by MickeysLove (Sandi) on January 31, 2016 at 4:25pm

Oh Peaches@thebeach, I just saw your post now.  Your words describe how I think everyone is feeling, you have a beautiful way with words. Thank you.  Yesterday, I made myself go to Michaels Craft Store in the next town over from where I live.  I decided I needed to get out of the house to go somewhere other than work.  I went to Michaels and took my time looking around, I looked at everything, even things I had no interest in.  There were a lot of crying babies & kids there yesterday, whew, took everything I had to NOT tell them to shut up.  So, I went to the other end of the store.  I bought some beautiful artificial spring flowers and some crushed shells to put in the bottom of the vase.  They make me happy to look at them.  And my husband always liked it when I did things like that.  A couple of weeks ago, I bought a bouquet of real flowers at the grocery store, but they die eventually and I had to keep changing the water, which for me right now is way to much to deal with, so I thought the artificial ones would be better.  I also bought a Gardenia scented candle, when I smelled it in the store, it immediately brought back memories of my husband and I first date, and how there were gardenia candles lit and wafting through the restaurant, and oddly enough I had the same candles at home that I lit when we returned there after our dinner. So for me, that candle reminds me so much of my husband, I also had gardenia candles burning at our wedding dinner - so many memories from one scent.  Yes, this second year seems to be harder and I'm really trying to deal with it the best I can.  I find that I have started cooking more and baking.  My son is a big eater and will try anything I make as long as it doesn't have fish in it, or pineapples in it!  LOL!!!  Matter of fact I just pulled a chocolate cake out of the oven; that is something I have not made since before my husband passed. Chocolate cake was his favorite.  So thank you for your kind words and describing so eloquently what I was trying to say myself.  I am so glad I have this place to come to.

Comment by Dee on January 30, 2016 at 9:57pm

I just passed the 19 month mark of widowhood, and January also contained my husband's birthday.  I'm just sitting here wondering tonight if I will ever start to get better.  I'm so tired of making decisions alone, doing things alone, being in the house alone every night.  I miss him so much!  I was hoping I'd would make some progress in the second year, but so far I haven't.

Comment by horizon on January 30, 2016 at 5:45pm

Hello Peaches@thebeach

I passed the 2 year mark about 2 weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know I really liked your comment because I sympathize with all you said!! Even with all the pain, you made me smile, because I also felt the strength behind your words. Some days I have needed that reminder: "I'm surviving and it's ok if I'm not ok."

Thank you for sharing and, at the same time, so sorry for your loss too.

Comment by peaches@thebeach on January 30, 2016 at 10:05am

Good Morning, Sandi. I just passed the 2 year mark 2 days ago. I had planned on keeping myself busy on the anniversary day and "moving forward" the day after. I, instead, spent 2 days in my house, mostly sleeping or helping my children with their pain. They're young, 9, 7 and 5. I hit my brick wall around the same time you have. I was done with the firsts. I was doing as well as can be expected, then BAM, I'm bawling in the shower again. Crying at songs on the radio. Crying because I forgot to pack the kids lunch. I hadn't found this group yet, so I thought something was wrong. My family told me I needed drugs, you're depressed, you need to thing about your children, do you want them doing the same thing? It wasn't until the beginning of December that I could say "yes, I want them to do the same as me. Why is it ok to fake through life but it's not ok to experience these feelings?" I personally don't believe in the stages of grief. I think grief has its phases, but I don't think we move through those phases one at a time.(And those "stages of grief" were originally applied to terminally ill patients. Not the grieving who are left behind.) Grief is all encompassing in our lives. We feel it all because we are continuing to live. And continuing to live for us could mean making it to breakfast without crying. It's ok to not feel ok and that's ok. And it's ok for others to not understand us. If they understood us that would mean they would have suffered a loss as well. This week I finally have the courage to say "I'm surviving and it's ok if I'm not ok." That doesn't mean I've completed a stage that I will never experience again. It means I can acknowledge that I'm getting through, but I can also acknowledge some days it takes all I have to get my children to school. I know you said you're not religious, but I think this advice from St. Thomas Aquinas is just good advice. Rest, be honest with yourself, enjoy something you like, weep and share your sorrow with a friend. None of this is easy. It will never be easy. But you have us to lean on, listen to you, hear you and if nothing else, let you know you're not "crazy" like I was led to believe. I miss my husband terribly. My children miss him terribly. Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others. But we're not alone and some days that's all we have. I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry all of us are here. I was also told my husband wouldn't want me like this. Well, my husband understood me better than anyone else, and he would understand why I feel like this. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm not a good poker player and I'm not good at hiding my feelings. If I feel something, it shows all over me. He wouldn't be happy I spent 2 days at home, but he would understand. He wanted the best for me and our children, but he also understood the cost of getting to the "best". This is something only those of us who intimately know loss understand. And again, that's ok.

 

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