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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by MickeysLove (Sandi) yesterday

Old Scout, your description of how lonely you are no matter what you are doing, so perfectly describes what I feel everyday.  Next Tuesday (8/11/15) will be one year for me.  I keep reliving this week in my head, wondering if I had just did something different would he still be here, but then I think, no, nothing would have helped and it would not be fair for me to prolong his suffering just so I would be alone.  My husband was diagnosed in 2008 with stage 4 colon cancer, by the time he went to the doctor it had already spread to his lungs and liver and lymph nodes.  If he had just went to the doctor back in April like I begged him to, he would still be here right now.  Anyway, this time last year he had already been home on Hospice for 2 weeks. 2 weeks for me of barely sleeping, trying to go to work full time, look after him, the house, and make sure I had a meal on the table for my son when he got home from work.  I'm pretty sure, there were a few days where I didn't even cook, but my son did not complain and actually made dinner for both of us after working a 14 hour day.  It breaks my heart to think about my husband laying in that hospital bed in our family room, telling me that he had pain, he was going to throw up even though he was at his limit for pain & nausea meds.  One time he woke me (as I slept on the couch beside him) to tell me there were flames coming off his legs which I promptly "put out" and off to sleep he went for another hour.  This went on for quite awhile.  Eventually his mom and my sister came to stay with me for awhile, with their help and the help of the hospice team I was able to take care of my husband the way I wanted to take care of him.  Anyway, the Thursday before he passed he had a gran mal seizure that scared the crap out of me, thank god the hospice nurse was there when it happened because I was useless. After that he no longer needed pain meds or nausea cream, he was just there. I often wonder if it was a test to see if I was ready to let him go.  No I wasn't, but I could no longer watch him suffer just so he would be here for me. I asked him, are you tired of fighting?  He said yes, I am tired, but I don't want to leave you.  I said it's ok, honey, we will be ok. You don't have to fight anymore.  Those were the hardest words I have ever had to say to anyone.  I love him so much and it still hurts to think of him now. I am lonely, but I try everyday to remember something good about my husband, I tell him everyday I love him.

Comment by Okbobbo on Monday

Old Scout, You described pretty much what happened to us. Met at 16, married 56 years, Laura died July 3, 2014, the kids are raising their own families. We are in touch. I participate in three grief support groups and try to provide comfort as well as seek it. I've made some widowed friends that are there for me in my down moments. It works for me most of the time. It just doesn't seem that the loneliness will ever go away. I also have written to Laura in my Journal every day, just talking to her. It keeps our love alive. Peace.

Comment by Gary'swife on Sunday

Donna- I am at 1 year almost 5 months.  

Today driving in the car I burst into tears as a song played on the radio.  This after bursting into tears yesterday.  For me, I really think the first year I was still numb, and exhausted after so many years of caregiving, and in particular the last 6 months when he was bed bound.  

I know every experience is different, but many people say the 2nd year is sometimes more difficult than the first.

Hugs to you.

Comment by Donna on Sunday

It's been one year, three weeks and one day. I still keep up with the time, can't seem to help myself. I feel like I'm suddenly having a much harder time that I did the first year, for some reason. Anyone familiar with that? I'd really like to get some advise or warnings on what to expect. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now.

Comment by old scout on Sunday

My last first is coming up Tuesday. My birthday in Jan. Our 30th anniversary in Feb.her birthday in July. Now this day after a long night of waking up every hour to give her meds and listening to her breathing get worst, her hands so cold to hold. About 5:15 I awoken to no sound I knew it was over. I cleaned her face, covered with the quilt our daughter had made for her brithday and woke up her sister on couch next to us. Now 1year latter it seems like a bad dream that never ends. So alone no matter how busy I stay it never goes away.  I worked so hard all my life to just take care of my family now the kids are busy with their lives and she's gone. The love of my life since I was 16 yrs old is gone. I miss her so much.

Comment by Angel on Thursday

I can't believe that I've been taking this journey for the last 16 months.  Although it seems that I've made progress in the "baby steps" I have taken, I still feel so alone and empty even when surrounded by people. There are still moments when I wish this is all but a dream.  Thank you for sharing your personal walks - I find comfort in reading them - Angel

Comment by Turtle12 (Robin) on July 29, 2015 at 6:56pm

HI MickeysLove (Sandi) , hugs to you, so sorry you are having to deal with your family mess.  I understand 100%.  My husbands family and I did not get along at all.  I have not seen them since they came to the hospital to say goodbye to my husband.  I look at it is they were not here to support us during my husbands life I don't need them in my life now.  You are dealing with so much just trying to get through each day my advice is to do what YOU want to do, not what other people want.  I have learned in the last 10 months that I really do not give a damn about what people think of me.  I am just trying to figure out how to live my life.  Take care of yourself and if  you do not feel like seeing his family or having a relationship with his daughter then don't.  The people who really care for you will understand and be there for you no matter what.  I am here if you want to email me or talk.  Take care....

Comment by MickeysLove (Sandi) on July 29, 2015 at 11:08am

I feel so alone and sad today. I'm not sure why, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now. In two weeks it will be 1 year since I lost my wonderful husband; I find myself continuously going back over what happened this time last year.  I also have a friend who's wife has been battling cancer for just over a year, after celebrating a year cancer free, she found out that the cancer has spread. Her and her husband (my friend) were/still are devastated and because of my experience in dealing with my husbands cancer, my friend texts me for answers and support (which I do not mind giving). I also just found out that my mother in law has skin cancer for which she is having surgery for today. I'm not sure why I wasn't included in that conversation, but oh well.  I am also feeling like my husbands family is just "putting up with me" because I am their brothers wife.  At our annual family reunion, after having got there late, and finding out that the hotel cancelled our rooms, we finally arrived at the reunion at my brother in laws house to see that they invited my husbands oldest daughter and her boyfriend and his kids. This bothered me because my husbands kids do not like me and they "tolerated" me while their father was alive, not to mention I "tolerated" them, I won't get into why I only "tolerate" them.  Out of his four kids she is the only one they still talk to, she has had a few choice words with me and I am slow to forgive people, especially if they have hurt me or someone I love.  She continuously for the last year of my husbands life would torment him, because someone else in the family had something to her siblings and would call my husband and "demand" he make them stop, it' didn't matter if it was during the day or the middle of the night. And always, somehow it always came around that it was my fault even though I had nothing to do with it, so for that reason - I cannot trust her.  I realize that she is still their family, but she is not MY family anymore.  My son who is the same age as my husband oldest daughter, told me that I should get over it and that she is the only one who talks to him.  My son is an adult now and I don't know how to say to him, that he can be friends with her, but I want nothing to do with her without hurting his feelings.  I'm tired of going to family functions and finding out when I get there that she is there, it is very stressful for me.  On September 19th of this year, we will be spreading my husbands ashes in the water that surrounds the lighthouse that he loved, I have chartered a boat for this occasion and invited his family. I plan that when the weekend is over, I am going to start limiting my time I spend with my husbands family.  I feel as though that is they way they want it too.  They barely talk to me, I have to initiate all texts and phone calls, but they are polite when we are together.  I don't know if it is because I remind them of their brother or what, and up until a few months ago, they all would cry when they saw me because they said when they see me they see their brother.  That made me feel really bad, because their is nothing I can do about that other than staying out of their site.  I am alone, I grew up in Canada and moved to the US to marry my husband - all my family still lives in Canada and I wanted to move back, but my son has grown up here and has a life here and friends and a good job, and I don't want to go back without him.  So here I stay.  I don't have many friends, I am not good at making friends, I am extremely shy.  Any friends I do have are actually my husbands friends and a few of them I can't stand.  One of them actually told me that they were mad at me because I wasn't talking to them. I told them, I'm not talking to anyone. I cannot handle my own grief and their grief as well, they are looking for me to console them.

Comment by drummergirl on July 28, 2015 at 8:55pm

I didn't have any warning either, Froggie.  My guy died three months before yours did, and it was also of an unwarned heart attack.  He had gone to the doctor to get the stress test done mere weeks ago and they said he was in good health!  Go figure that one.  Anyway, I feel lethargic too and I also think that is a normal part of grief.  Yes, there will be good days, days when you feel as if you are finally feeling as if you are moving forward and then it can all plummet and all you feel you can do is just sit there, cry, think about all the good times you had and do indeed miss, wish to go back, cry some more, then go on feeling shell shocked.  I am a little bit different in that this was one I had dated for a total of 18 years and then were getting engaged.  I have so many "I wish" thoughts now.  I wonder if it is harder to deal with when death comes unexpectedly just as yours and mine did.

Comment by Froggie4635 on July 28, 2015 at 8:45pm

Hello everyone.  I lost my husband, Mark on December 4 to a heart attack.  Never had any warning.  I feel awful for everything you all have to struggle through.  Losing your spouse is the hardest thing anyone will go through, and to have to deal with so much more on top of it, I just feel for everyone.  I have been having more good days than bad lately, but I know that could change in an instant.  I read the posts often, and gain so much knowledge with each one I read.  I have a bad habit of being really hard on myself.  I like to see how everyone gives themselves permission to feel all they feel and I try to follow.  I haven't had many triggers this summer, but the heat in Texas this summer is making me so irritable and cranky and I wonder how much of that is grief.  I am also trying to make myself aware of the fact that I give myself like NO quiet time.  I have the television or music on all the time, even when I go to bed at night.  Do you think it is avoidance?  I don't really have anyone checking in on me.  I spend time each day with his mom, but it is hard to fall apart in front of her.  She mentioned to a friend how proud she is of me and how strong I am; more so than her.  I'm not that strong.  I am existing and functioning, but there is no real joy in my life.  Inside I am always wondering if I should still feel so lethargic and if it is a part of the trauma of trying to save me husband and have him die anyway.


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