Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2014

It's always hard to accept that we will be getting new members each year. Please know that you are welcome ANYWHERE on the site. A few members who were widowed in 2013 will join you so that you don't feel so alone here as it is early in the year. 

Members: 195
Latest Activity: 14 minutes ago

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Comment by Dave55 14 minutes ago
Hugs Joe'swife,
I also had to wait for intestate as well, we didn't get wills done. Each state is different, I'm lucky, I guess, prior to 2012 the spouse and kids split the estate, now they trust the spouse to decide for the kids. Hopefully it will work out, but I went thru some gut wrenching moments that I hope you don't. The lawyer told me the will for me is a lot more important now since she is gone.
Comment by my roses 2 hours ago

My roses

joe'swife

So sad to hear about your loss and the isolation of your house.  It is incredible how once our beloved is gone from the house 'it seems to be darker indoors", as you said the silence gets louder.... I knew when I got back from Wes' funeral that the house was darker and so quiet... it was his presence that lit it up.. even when he was very ill.  Re being miles away from neighbours etc. Yes when we live there with our partner.. the isolation does not matter, it is a place of peace and beauty.  I know another person who is on a very large property  right overlooking the sea with acres of land surrounding it.  But again the nearest neighbour is about  3 miles or more away. The grief and loss has raised concerns for them.. what if I fall ill all alone here? No one will know.The pain has been so great that trying to function in isolation has affected this person's health.  However, it is this bond we have has widows and widowers that can fill this gap.  I have kept in touch with this friend as they go through what they called "their survival mode".  Having someone phone, or send beautiful cards, or  uplifting quotes on email can give some hope.  We have to take it step by step - we may not be able to do what others consider we "should" do.... but daily we can do small things that we 'CAN" DO.

It has been said that we should not make major decisions about our life in the first year due to our foggy brain, and total exhaustion.  

with blesssings to you

Comment by Doug02122014 3 hours ago
Joe'swife,
As far as reaching those tall ceilings on a ladder, I would look into an extension pole for a roller. That way you could stay on the floor and reach the heights safely.

Yes those sleepless nights are debilitating when you have to drive long distances to work or to get to various job sites as I do/did. I was at my wife's bedside when she took her last breath at 2:05 a.m. Wednesday morning 2/12/2014. Subsequently with the exception of 3-Wednesday's since she passed I have been awake ever Wednesday since. Sometimes I get 2-hr. Sleep those nights and most of the time I don't sleep at all.

Doug
Comment by Quilter96 5 hours ago
Don't make irrevocable decisions for a year. I changed rugs, moved quilting to dining room. The changes helped me cope. I haven't used any rooms that he and I spent time together in except the bedroom. For some reason I can't change that room.
Comment by joe'swife 5 hours ago

CaseyLea7, I am actually going to get rid of our king sized bed and replace it with a queen size bed.  I had a queen sized bed when we got married, but hubby wanted a king sized bed.  I also want to paint to give the place a change of atmosphere.  The only problem with painting is hubby had cathedral ceilings put in the great room, so I need either an extremely tall ladder or a relatively tall ladder with a tall person to reach the top of the walls.  I think these changes with help me in the short term until I can sell the house.

Comment by CaseyLea7 5 hours ago

Joe's wife, 

Have you thought about making some changes to the house while you are there for the short term.  I bought some new bedding and a few pieces of new furniture and made it a little different.  The subtle changes make me feel like I am trying to move forward in small ways.  You should do whatever makes things easier for you for both long and short term.  

Comment by joe'swife 6 hours ago

Doug, I think this is also the root cause of my sleeping problems.  The sleep problems sometimes cause me not to be able to go to work.  I have to get up at 4:00 am and take a 1.5 hour drive to get to work.  Those nights that I don't get to sleep until 1 or 2 in the morning makes it hard to get up and take that drive to work.

Unfortunately, I can't even think about selling the house until after my husband's estate is probated.  I could not get him to execute a will, so it has to be probated intestate.  His thought was since I am his spouse and he has no children, I would get everything anyway.  And since my husband started building this house on land he inherited from his dad a couple of years before we got together, the property is in his name.  In my state, I understand that the law requires the estate to be open for at least 8 months because that is how long creditors have to make a claim against the estate.

Comment by Debz 6 hours ago

Joes wife & Doug,

I left my home within 10 weeks. I also lived in a remote area and I teach online, so I had no interaction with anyone for days at a a time. i had an auction house come in and clear my home. I kept only my personal stuff...I couldn't bear to look at it our things. Too many memories.Do what is right for you :) Hugs .

Comment by Doug02122014 6 hours ago
Joe'swife,
Sorry for your loss. I so get it about the house. You don't need anyone's permission to do what you have to do 1) for your own sanity and 2) your safety. I'm not as isolated as your place and have often wondered if I go down, how long till my youngest daughter (14) finds me? My oldest daughter is (17) Autistic and nonverbal so she would be along for the ride. Before loosing my wife (Darlene) I never gave my safety the time of day.

I too will be getting my place ready for sale as there just are too many reminders here and I believe that is the root cause of my sleeping problems.

Best wishes.

Doug
Comment by joe'swife 9 hours ago

My husband has been gone for 7 weeks now.  The quiet in our house is so loud.  Although I am not going to do anything until next year, I believe I am going to sell this house and relocate.  My husband started building this house before we got together and we finished it together.  When he started building this house, he was going to live in it by himself.  When he asked me if I would consider living where we live, I said yes I would live here with him.  But it was never the plan for me to live here alone.  Our house is very isolating, with my closest neighbors being 3 miles away.  Grocery shopping is a 50 mile round trip.  I live 86 miles away from where I work.  My husband's death is compounded by the loneliness of living such an isolated existence.  All I can think about when I am at home is that I was never supposed to live here by myself.  When my husband first died, everyone was asking me if I was going to stay here and I was defiant that I was not leaving the home that my husband finished building for us.  But now I realize that this house was for "us," not for "me."

 

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