Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2014

It's always hard to accept that we will be getting new members each year. Please know that you are welcome ANYWHERE on the site. A few members who were widowed in 2013 will join you so that you don't feel so alone here as it is early in the year. 

Members: 302
Latest Activity: 21 hours ago

Those we lost in 2014 ... a CNN Report

I just saw this and thought perhaps those of you who lost your loves this year might want to add a tribute.

http://ireport.cnn.com/topics/1196713

http://cnnworldlive.cnn.com/Event/Loved_ones_we_lost_in_2014/board

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Comment by Kelley04 21 hours ago

 In two days it will be 3 months since Jim died. Alzheimers took him, and destruction continues.  I have an eviction notice, I have to move out of our rental by end of March. I'm not behind on my rent, so who knows why.  Staying in this house isn't an option, and I'm lost on what to do.  I have just enough money to rent a place (which is a complete rarity, 5 1/2 years of alzheimers wiped us out, my credit is shot), but I haven't found a place to rent in this town, too many people need places.  We moved out west in 2008 and I just can't move back to Michigan. The only thing there is my mom, but I absolutely can't go back to our old stomping grounds. I have immediate needs I am trying to do alone and I'm frozen in place. I want to be fetal position and get back to grieving but the distress of moving and where am I supposed to go is almost more than I can bear.  My support network is small, I'm so alone and in despair.  When my thoughts are dark I just want to be done with it all.  This is not a way to live, suffering day after day and all for what?  I can't even go in the closet where the urn is, and I am supposed to move?  Where?  I can't even carry on a decent conversation, yet I'm literally begging people to rent to me.  This is just a stupid way to live.  Ending my life when Jim died has been an 'out' for me, a twisted comfort.  LIVING is the hard part. 

Comment by Just.me 22 hours ago
After reading your posts, I bought the book, Finding Your Way. I've read several books over the past three months that were very good, but this is the first one that I want my grown children to read also. I'm about halfway through the book and I am getting so much from it. I found a good used copy on Amazon. Glad you all talked about it.
Comment by Christopher yesterday

@Reyna -- Thanks for the clarification and the book title. I have ordered it. That will make grief book #17 for me... Over-reading is my normal response to just about anything.

Comment by MrsFreddy yesterday

I just realized it's 10 months today since the love of my life left me.  ugh.  It hurts when I see others post about spending the rest of your life with their significant other.  I want to yell at them.  NO NO don't plan on it!  But I can't, of course, take away their happiness.

Comment by gennaswife on February 22, 2015 at 4:19am
Tonight went out with a recently widowed aquitance of mine and her two single friends that I have never met previously. Literally, the first time I felt " human" and had fun since beloved husband passed away in October. Highly recommend hanging out with people that don't know the old you!
Comment by Les on February 21, 2015 at 11:46am
To all of the posts I have read from the last two weeks, all I can say is thanks to everyone for sharing. It will be seven months since my John died of lung cancer. We found out on 12/31/13 and seven months later he was gone.
I too start to think I am doing better then this last week hits me and I am right back where I was months ago. Crying, angry, in denial. I too can't wait to tell John something about my work or something I heard from friends. Then it hits me I can't. I think of all the dreams and plans we had and they are gone. I too relive the last five minutes of his death - over and over again. I too cannot understand why us.
We were together 27 years and married 25. We had no children together he had two adult children whom I am in touch with occasionally. He died on July 29th, four days after his birthday. Our anniversary is July 3rd. July is going to be a very difficult month. I was thinking about going to Camp Widow but not sure I can as it falls over his birhday and close to the day he died. And my sister-in-law said to me when I mentioned it "do you really want to identify yourself as a widow for the rest of your life" That was about three months after he died. Really? I am a widow and I am tyring to deal with it. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I don't look forward to anything any more and just am waiting to hopefull be with John again in the future. Maybe Camp Widow can help.
Comment by mixelated on February 20, 2015 at 9:25pm

Two months out yesterday. I still can't get my head around it, though it is starting to really sink in. He is not somewhere else where he can come back; I will not see him again in this life. When I want to see him all I have are photos. I will never hold his hand again or kiss him. He is not in his clothes or his things. I stopped waiting for a phone call or text from him a couple of weeks ago. I feel more depressed than I did during the initial shock and intense grief. It's as though I stopped being able to feel intensely and now I just feel low and lower. It has really hit our 15-year old this week too. She is crying the last few days, wanting her daddy, and my heart keeps breaking.

CfromBC, I believe my husband is in an 'alternative universe' too, doing what he can to heal from the pain of this life. I trust I will see him again, but yes... it could be another 40 years. Not sure how I will get through it, or what to do for my poor kiddo.

Comment by Reyna on February 18, 2015 at 8:31pm

@Christopher, re: the grief progress hand-out list from the hospice. They got it from a book called "Finding your way through grief" by Tousley. I haven't read the book.  This list of 40 changes is helpful to me because changes occur but they aren't dramatic. Especially for me the first 4 months I realize I'm making good progress having checked off 14 items.  This is not a "5 stages of grief" thing!  I'll give a couple examples:  Concentrate on a book, movie or TV program ( difficult at 1st)   Review memories without being overcome by them. 

Comment by Jeane on February 18, 2015 at 5:48pm
Christopher, I have never heard of a green burial. I have only heard something if on private property one grave per acre. That is very interesting. Also, when it comes to a grief checklist, hospice gave me one when mom passed four years ago but everyone is different. You know, the denial, being mad, sad, etc. things will get better, we will never really get over it, can learn to deal with it, put on our happy I am OK face for certain people but I am not letting anyone tell me it is time to get over it get on with your life. Going to grief share and having understanding friends it does help but I am still very lonely. My brother even said maybe I will find someone to go out with, I told him I would like a male companion for going out to eat, talking to, kids do mot cut it, etc but I would be comparing someone with Erv and that would nit be fair. I want a male friend that is single, have plenty of married male friends but.....sorry about rambling. We can only take one day at a time. A friend told me today she cannot believe she has survived these past eight months and I told her, but we have survived and we will survive this. Take care of yourself. Jeane
Comment by Christopher on February 18, 2015 at 5:11pm

Rena --- I've been seeing my grief counselor from the hospice for about 6 months and she has never mentioned a "grief progress checklist"; I guess I haven't made enough progress yet (And I would agree; it still feels like it just happened yesterday!).

Jeane --- Your headstone designing story was interesting. My wife's headstone was the first I've ever been involved with, but because she wanted a "green burial" (out in the woods next to the cemetary), they required a small very rough stone, flush with the ground with only the name, dates, and an optional single line that would hold only about 3 or 4 word (everything in a green burial should be hand-made). And I had to have it placed within days, otherwise, one might lose track of the grave in the forest. About 3 months later, they put wooden posts up to mark all the grave sites because there was a run on green burial space.

 

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