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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by my roses on September 29, 2015 at 4:29am
My roses

Just wanted to make another comment.... The stage show Dirty Dancing came to Australia during September. Because of all the issues that occurred during September I did not decide to go. However a couple of days ago I found the brochure and decided to look it up online. When I looked at different dancers showing this on stage. Then it seemed I was led to look at Patrick Swayse... well when I saw him dancing with his wife - things changed. I realised that they were a Love of your Life couple... every move they made just flowed into one another... their love showed brilliantly in their dancing. It was not dirty dancing.... (what a horrible title) showed a genuine love and gentle touch given to your beloved. They had become one flesh, one person, they had been maried for about 34 years and they still shone with love. I also remembered seeing a video by
a Pastor Oden who had a vision of what he called Covenant companions where the spirit or soul of the Love of your life couples could be seen. What did he see? The two souls moving together in perfect harmony, in a heavenly place... still together as one flesh, but now it was one spirit or soul. I was amazingly comforted by seeing Patrick dancing with this loving, and beautiful dance. This is who we truly are... and that is why we
suffer - torn from dancing together in the spirit and in our hearts.
Comment by my roses on September 29, 2015 at 4:11am

Dear Damianino

Sorry not to have  posted to WV members and yourself for some weeks.  It was my wedding anniversary on 7th September and I still feel the pain and the loss... your  Aug 26th poem fits it well.  Our life together is engraved on my heart.  So  my friend hope to hear how you are going.

My news is that I have been very busy helping some other friends ( as I lost quite a few others - as we all seem to do on this journey).  Both of these friends had helped me with various problems... and then I had the opportunity to help them.  One needed an operation and I took them to hospital and back and they stayed with me for a few days... as they had no one else to help.  Even the clothes washing needed to be done. They lived on the 4th floor and could not walk  down to the laundry on the ground floor.  The other friend has been very kindly to me and so when the time came a  couple of weeks ago  I was able to help with their health issues..  This time it was alternative medicine,  checking them in with my Dr.  as they had arrived from another State.  Then there was a need to find an apartment etc.  Meanwhile this interchange between us benefitted my health - by having someone to go out with  to a concert, movie, walk etc.  I also saw the change in their faces when they had someone intervene to help in their crisis.  As the world gets tougher, more brutal in many ways.... it is vital that we find some shelter from the storm.  When someone cares and acts upon that -  some healing takes place.  My hair has got thicker as it was falling out, my skin has improved,  I am doing  special exercises (from a physio) every day.  This has strengthened my muscles.. as I had been injured after falling and breaking ribs etc.  We need to tell the story of our journey with this  grief process and how small things can make such a difference.   I am glad that they had skills to help me and that I had skills and knowledge to help them.

with love and blessings  Hope to hear from you and others in WV who are  are struggling with this journey. 

Comment by Vettegirl on September 26, 2015 at 8:19pm

Hello Idaho.  I totally understand how you feel.  My husband was my best friend and he passed away in February 2014 after a very long illness (I was his caregiver for 15 years).  Even though he was very ill, he was still the "social" one in our marriage.  I was very happy just going places as a couple and did not seek others to go out with or entertain at home.  I was totally content with just the two of us.  With the exception of work, I am home alone.  I am comfortable alone, but I do miss my partner of 27 years as he was the one who knew the "real" me and he loved me for the "real" me.  I too find it somewhat more difficult in year 2 as the "business of death" is all settled and I am expected to "be over it" by now.  Not so.  I don't think I will ever "be over it" and I just learn to have my "moments" when I am home alone.  No one seems to understand that you don't return to "normal" after a certain period of time, you never return to "normal".  All of my step-kids are grown and gone with families of their own.  We speak or text several times a week but again it is about their issues and not much about mine.  Which is ok, as I remember when my father died, I spoke with my mother often but rarely about her "aloneness".  Wish I had now as she passed away before my husband.  With all this being said, I am preparing for retirement in a few months and I plan to return to school to get a second degree (Masters in Social Work and PhD in Psychology).  I plan to work in loss therapy and hope that I can impart some good counsel to those I meet.  I know that I have to use my life experiences to help others.  Hospice grief counseling groups and faith based GriefShare groups have been a God send to me.  I have made lifelong friends there and while we don't speak often, we all know that we are there for each other.  I just try to take it one day at a time and I give myself permission to feel however I feel and not how others think I should feel.  Please continue to give yourself time to adjust and make it your goal to try to do one new thing a month.  I know it is hard and, like me, you will probably find every excuse in the world to try to talk yourself out of it, but just go and do.  Hopefully, you will find some peace.  Hugs to you my friend.  I too walk your path.

Comment by drummergirl on September 26, 2015 at 2:04pm
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, idaho....I know where you are coming from, with trying to "put on a face." I know that if I don't, people will tell me to either "Improve my attitude," or to "get over it" or just plain ignore me.
I was told that there would be times when the waves of grief would really hit and crash periodically, and that the second year after the death is usually much harder than the first. In that first year after the loved one dies, we are still shell shocked and we are anticipating ahead to those "Firsts", but in the second year, it seems that reality hits in and then we realize that they really are gone and are never coming back, at least not in our earthly physical form.
I would give you permission to just ride out the times when you have the pangs of grieving and to say to heck with anyone else's perception of how you "Should" be feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve! We all have to do that in our own way and in our own time.
Sending hugs and encouraging, uplifting thoughts.
Comment by idaho on September 26, 2015 at 1:22pm
hello, i don't come on here often anymore and apologize for not giving everyone the support that you need!It has been nearly 1 and half years and instead of feeling better I feel worse. I just get through each day by burying myself in work. Now, however, work is slowing down as my job is seasonal dependent. I find my self in tears a lot and clinging to my 15 yr old daughter for company. I do not have many friends and those that I do have are all couples and much younger than myself. I still feel soooo lonely and wonder how I am going to make it alone once my daughter moves on. I can't seem to stop living in the past and questioning every thing we should have done and maybe he would still be here. I never my whole life felt like a "normal" person. I am not great with conversations, relationships (dating), never was really into passion- sorry if thats tmi- but He loved me anyway and was the best friend I never had. I am afraid of the future and finding it hard to "live in the moment and enjoy the day" he is the only person who ever loved me for me. I didn't have to change to fit in like I do for everyone else. I look at others laughing, being silly, enjoying life and wish I could be there. I am very good at "putting on a face" especially for my kids and family. But when I have a moment alone...I feel ill, afraid and alone. I just keep thinking, even after a year and half, that he will walk in the door and tell me its all ok. The person I could always count on gone.
Comment by Gwamma on September 11, 2015 at 2:42am
Cmillps....I am SO GLAD this day went smoothly! Isn't it lovely how complete strangers (like waitresses) can make things fall better into perspective? It allows us to see our lives from their perspective. It is a blessing indeed when we can escape our own grief and see ourselves thru others eyes.

And....AND...YOU MADE IT THRU *****THE DAY******and you are smiling! GOOD FOR YOU!!

Comment by cmllips on September 11, 2015 at 2:25am

Today or should I say yesterday (the 10th) was the one year mark of Doug's passing. Planned to take a drive by myself but didn't make it. Had a couple of phone calls to make in the a.m. and waited most of the afternoon for call returns. I wanted to go to his mother's grave and put flowers in the vases since we did scatter some of his ashes there but completely forgot. Did go out to dinner with our oldest daughter and family. The waitress asked at one point if we were celebrating and I quietly responded that it was the 1st anniversary of my husbands death and the childrens grandfather. She was so sweet. She said even though it was a sad occasion for us it was good that we got together as a family to mark this day for him. Actually put a smile on my face. I had braced for a bad day and it turned out to be a pleasant one.

Comment by Gary'swife on September 7, 2015 at 4:20pm
@cmillips - Thanks for the words of support. As this was not an "official" reunion (our 40th was last year and I was out of town), there were only about 25 people at this dinner. The dinner was actually rather nice, and I chatted with people around me, and some others even stopped by to talk. I guess maybe it's because most of my social life today is around my "grief group", or my friends who have been there for me all along, it was a bit weird being around people I haven't seen in a long time (more than 20 years), and most didn't know I was recently widowed, and as we know, it's always a bit tricky on how to "announce" this fact. The "what have you been up to"...and "my husband died 1 1/2 years ago" is really a buzz kill. I didn't actually say anything until the very end, when it was a smaller group, but you could still see it made people uncomfortable.
Comment by cmllips on September 7, 2015 at 2:51am
Gary'sWife, I attended my 40th class reunion at the end of July. Even worked on the committee to organize it. I knew it would be hard to attend by myself but I made myself do it. I was in charge of "At Large Photos". That meant I ran around and took photos of everyone yacking for 3 days. This part made it easier for me being alone. But then you can't snap photos minute by minute either. This was hard because I am sort of shy and will talk if talked to but not really one to initiate the conversation unless I am personally close to the other person. We had photo albums that had pictures from our 30th there. As I was thumbing through these books I found several photos of my Doug. About broke my heart. Although most of the time Doug would not accompany me to many things he did always come to my reunions with me. I was upset enough about these photos that I left and went and watched my grandchildren bowl for a while. I did return to the party to help clean up and no one was the wiser that I was even gone for an hour. Our class had 255 graduates. We were the reason they built another Public High School.
Yes it was hard to attend the reunion but I'm glad I did and I'm glad you attended yours too. Baby steps. That's all we can do.
Comment by Gary'swife on September 7, 2015 at 2:23am

Yesterday I went to dinner with people I graduated H.S. with over 40 years ago.  It was a small class (77 students) but I only went to the school 2 years so I always felt like an outsider.  

Although I know there is one person from the class who is widowed, everyone who showed up was married (although most came without their spouse).  I only realized today how sad it made me, to realize all those people are married (many, admittedly through thick and thin).  I guess I haven't really allowed myself to be in those situations since loosing my husband.  I know it's time to wade back into the real world, but knowing no one wants to hear about my dead husband is hard.  Nice to know I can come here and share.   I guess maybe I thought I was getting better, and I am, but now I just feel like I've taken a couple of steps back.  Well, tomorrow's another day, and next week is another week.


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