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Widowed in 2014

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Latest Activity: Feb 17

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Comment by Nieta on February 17, 2020 at 7:11pm

Dear Gary's wife, 

I have not logged into the site for a long while, hence my very long delay in replying.

My mom is, thankfully, still with me and I sent in the paperwork for MLTC renewal at least a month ago.  It still frightens me that they will shake things up for me yet again, but I digress.  She is doing as well as can be expected but, I do see a marked difference between last year and today.  I take her to the doctor appointments with, whichever aide is on duty because despite my telling them she has dementia and showing them the hospital documents with tests showing what happened, they still mess up and I want to make sure they don't say any trigger words like "dementia" in front of her.  More often than not, people who have it, do not realize they do.  I trust the aides as much as I can trust anyone with my mother, but I am still her best advocate and want to make sure she is safe and happy for what remains of her life.

I can empathize with worrying about something happening to you because there is no one to take care of you when your time arrives to need such help.  Those thoughts have also crossed my mind and, I decided that this was the year that I was also going to take care of me, as well as my mother.

I have a new primary physician, who referred me to various specialists and I was sent for imaging tests to make sure that I am okay and also to address any concerns.  Tomorrow I have an appointment for an echocardiogram to check on my heart.     I am also seeing a nutritionist to learn and maintain a healthier lifestyle.  It's not easy, but I'm trying.  In short, I'm finally being proactive about my health because I am also getting older, and I'd like to try to enjoy the rest of my life.

I still have a long way to go and I plan on speaking to an advisor for my finances, as well as looking into what my options will be for Managed Long Term Care.  It can all be a bit overwhelming but, one step/day at a time.

Comment by Nieta on February 12, 2020 at 6:41pm

It's the 6th year anniversary of the date/time that my Patrick went to Heaven.  A couple of people remembered the day and called or texted me to let me know they were thinking of and praying for me and my husband.   

I remember that awful day far too vividly but, thankfully, I also remember a lot of the wonderful memories we created, and that is a gift I will always treasure. 

In my journey, I've found that losing him in this life, is a heartbreak I won't necessarily forget or get over, but I don't really want to.  I've earned the memories, and the heartbreak is a price worth paying for someone that I still love so very much.  Time has enabled me to keep that private sadness buried in a part of me, which allows me to function, and enjoy the memories and the life ahead of me.

Wishing all fellow survivors here an evening filled with loving memories, even if those memories are only the very real feeling of having loved and having been loved, which is a rare gift that should be celebrated and treasured for the rest of your own days.

Much love to everyone!

Comment by Doug02122014 on February 12, 2020 at 5:34am


I was told the Widville site was undergoing major upgrades and the chatroom was going to be down until  January 2020.

Comment by Doug02122014 on February 12, 2020 at 5:31am

Wow how time flies at 2:05 this morning marked 6 years that my Darling has been gone. A lot in my life has changed since then. I was at the graveside this morning I told her if she was here to day she probably wouldn't even recognize me no more. I have remarried since loss even  though I said I wasn't going to date again.   I lost my job and from that liberation I went out and started 3 businesses.   They are far from thriving but things are looking up as we move into a brick and mortar store this month. 

 I was telling my new wife Tamela last night that I'm feeling very scared at this point after loss because I am forgetting a lot of my chapter 1 as I make chapter 2.   I said with the way I feel there is no winning because I am throwing both chapter 1 and chapter 2 under the bus for feeling this way 1 I feel like I have disrespected her by forgetting 2 I feel like telling her this is a slap in the face because I am building memories with her and it makes me feel bad because I am losing memories from chapter 1.  There is no winning in brief.

 Well today should be pretty easy for me because we have a major snowstorm blowing and I plow snow for a corporate accounts that's one of my businesses I got going so we're probably gonna run 30+ hours plowing and salting.  Hopefully I won't have time to let my mind drift. 20200212_084954.jpg20200212_084714.jpg

Comment by Damianino! on October 3, 2019 at 11:00am

Aloha Fam!  I have been offsite for a while.  Happy to be back.  There is no where like here.  By the way, is Chat still a feature?  Can't seem to find the Chat room.  Have I been away that long??

Comment by Gary'swife on May 22, 2019 at 12:21pm


Sorry for the delay in commenting.   I hope things to go OK with your Mother's care.   

My brother and I went to the VA yesterday, and I got the phone number for the caregiver coordinator, which I believe is a new position since 2 years ago when my brother first had his stroke.   I have read that some VA centers have adult day care, but I don't think the one here does.   Sometimes I panic about what will happen if something happens to ME, because I don't have anyone to take care of me, let alone my brother.   So, I really need to "plan for the worst, hope for the best".

Sending hugs to all.


Comment by Nieta on May 14, 2019 at 4:54pm

Dear Gary's wife. 

This morning, one of the insurance companies approved the hours that I need for aides to help me with my mother.  It was the first one that I called and I was stunned when she told me that they are now seeking an agency to send a nurse to evaluate my mother.  I am getting closer and somewhat afraid to be too happy or relieved too soon.  Part of me cannot believe it until things are in place.  I suppose with all that has happened in the last few years, I always wait for the other shoe to drop.  I will, instead, have faith and think positively.

I understand the depression you are speaking of.  I felt a similar experience of losing interest in things because I no longer had my Patrick by my side.  I don't think it is a part of simply aging but aging without them and not growing old together.  Sometimes, even now, when I see an elderly couple who have shared a long life together, hurts my heart a bit because I'll never have that with Patrick and I was looking forward to it.

I'll take a look at your blog soon.  It may not be until tomorrow because I suddenly feel very tired.  I've had a lot of sleepless nights lately.

If you get a chance, I started a discussion when I first lost Patrick about God Winks.  It's not necessarily a religious thing - more about coincidental messages that you may or may not relate to.  they still bring me comfort.

Wishing you love and peace,  Patrick's wife.

Comment by Gary'swife on May 14, 2019 at 9:25am


Oh my, what a mess with Medicaid.  You are very good to catch all their mistakes, others would not have been so diligent.

I posted in another group about finding a blog that mentioned perhaps when you think you are depressed, it's really just the time of your life where you are in your later not so inclined to "climb that mountain".  I have been thinking that my lack of interest in things is because I no longer have Gary....but now I wonder if it's just part of aging.  Here's the blog     

Comment by Nieta on May 13, 2019 at 7:57pm

Hi Gary's Wife,

Forgive me for not responding sooner.  I've been distracted with so many things.  Medicaid has, at very long last, been approved but, it's not over yet.  I selected a managed long term care plan, which is a requirement in NY state and that is coupled with an insurance company that solicits aides.  An evaluator was sent today and her concern is that I may not get the hours that I need and she kept mentioning nursing home for my mom.  I don't want to go that route.  If I can help it, I'd like her to live with me for as long as possible - ideally, until the day she draws her last breath.   I've called other companies that may offer more hours but I am in the thick of that now.  Medicaid was so reckless with the authorization process that I kept getting letters with misinformation and mistakes.  In one letter they requested a couple of my mom's latest statements and provided a deadline that had expired before they even sent the letter.  They sent a second letter with a very short deadline and the documents were received by them before the deadline.  Confirmation of receipt was received and yet they sent a letter declining my mother's application because they now claimed they had not received the documents in time.  A few days later, another letter approving my mom's application was sent but with an incorrect budget, as they did not factor in the amount I pay to my mother's trust.  I have faith that this will be resolved but I am trying to get the agencies to move as quickly as possible with respect to the aides because I do not want to bankrupt myself by private paying aides for yet another month.

I logged on to this site today to see how others were doing five years after the loss of their spouse so that I would feel a little less alone about my experiences.  Ironically, photos were flashing on the home page and, when I logged on, one of the photos that I had posted 5 years ago had just come up.  It kind of felt like my husband was letting me know that he is still around me somehow and that even though I could not see him, he was checking in and making sure I was okay.  

Like most people here, I never imagined that my life would be where it is right now.  It's not all bad, I've made new friends and, they are good ones.  I've learned a lot and I feel as if I've also grown but still have a ways to go.  I don't want to lose my mother and yet I feel guilty thinking/feeling that I just want to make sure that she spends her remaining years in peace and feeling loved and cared for.  It kills me that her mind has been impaired and that she has a heart condition that could take her sooner.  Dementia is such a cruel disease in that the mind dies before the body.  A good part of her is still in there but I see her going in and out of lucidity and I try my best to understand and be patient when she is childlike.

I've actually prayed that if it is God's plan to take her, to simply do it gently and that she simply goes in her sleep. And yet, I'm afraid of the statement, be careful what you ask for.  You think you will be okay with something and then it destroys you and rocks you to your core.  That happened to me when my brother died unexpectedly at 26 in a motorcycle accident and when my husband died from a fatal heart attack.

Dad's passing was difficult in a different way.  Of course, I grieved but, he had been suffering and it was somewhat of a relief when I saw him take his last breath.

Thank you for listening, reading and responding.  Your support and caring means a lot to me.

Wishing you a peaceful evening and many beautiful days to come.

Comment by Trish on March 6, 2019 at 11:19am

Gary'swife  I know what you mean.  It was five years for me last Monday and I just can't believe it either. 


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