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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by on March 20, 2017 at 7:27pm
Froggie, I get what you're saying. Another experience I recently had with disposing of things concerned my own items. I've lost weight since my husband passed and it was time to get rid of all the larger clothes in my closet. I thought this would be fun and an enjoyable thing to do on a rainy day and sort of a "celebration" of my newer more slender self. The whole experience backfired. I became depressed and sad, the finally just stopped and cried. I realized he would never again see me wear those things, or the new ones and little by little I'm replacing the old with the new. He can never be part of my life going forward. To top it all off I found a beautiful Valentine poem in my dresser that he wrote for me the year he died. Even now, sometimes the grief still comes out of nowhere.
Comment by Froggie4635 on March 6, 2017 at 10:18am

I understand the de-cluttering. It was easier when I was still deep in the fog of grief after Mark died suddenly in December 2014.  Now I am not so quick to throw out that piece of paper with his handwriting on it; I have wanted to have a quilt made from his t-shirts, but cannot bring myself to cut the shirts in the necessary way to start the process.  I am wishing we were getting some sort of has been more like early Spring/ Summer even in January.  It is not uncommon to have grief waves and spurts.  Shock of loss affects the mind, body and the spirit and we can only fend it off for so long.

Comment by gardenlady on March 6, 2017 at 9:57am

Hi to all....I have not been keeping up with what is happening on WV for a long time.   I had a heart scare last year and my cardiologist told me it looked like "broken heart syndrome" which he said was from shock and profound sadness making big doses of some kind of adrenaline like hormones that had affected my heart muscles.  It has a long Japanese name too and is see in PTSD and mostly widows.   For this reason I have tried to spend less time thinking about my situation and others like me and forcing myself to make some positive changes.   This winter I decided to stay and  not go south by my son in a warmer happier part of the country and be here for my northern famiy members.  I thought I was doing f. well .....until the middle of January.  All the old feelings came back with the terrible weather. So I am back seeing if it is normal to be so sad so long after.  It will be three years in April that my world fell apart and the closer it gets the sadder I feel.   Our anniversary is in April and it would be our  60th. I know this will be difficult and I am making plans to be somewhere ......don't know where or why.  We had a very good life together with a big family and I have so many wonderful memories but they don't fill the void in this house.  Everyone misses Dad/Gpa so much that they don't want to do anything but enjoy the memories of happy times.  They are more adjusted that I am to his absence since they didn't live with him for all those years. So Froggie4635  and Gary'swife in is too bad we couldn't do something together isn't it....I lived in Kansas for 3 years and loved it.  We left for a better job and to be closer to Grandparents etc.  I have been decluttering....which can be satisfying until you come across something that makes you remember and then those tears start again.   I will be so happy when Spring comes so I can go out and work in my yard.  I am happier out there.


Comment by Froggie4635 on March 6, 2017 at 5:55am

I believe that grief has given me a case of focus is so very bad.  If a project takes more than a certain amount of time, I get fidgety.  Reading and comprehending is still not easy, and then I get frustrated. I have three dogs, so my attention is split between what I HAVE to do, what I WANT to do...and the dogs.  Sunday was so very rainy and I knew I was NOT leaving the house, so I tried working to remove one of the final things off my list that I made the beginning of February.  When I am at work, I think of all the things I could be getting done at home; when I am home, I spend a good bit of time playing solitaire on my Kindle.  Being able to multi-task is a skill that has NOT returned since my husband died.  I went to mass with my MIL on Saturday (it was the 27 month mark); I do it for her because it still is hard to hear his name being read and pointing out that he is gone.  I KNOW he is gone and not coming back, I have accepted that.  But it doesn't make it easier to not have him there.  So I try and stay busy best I can.  It is not like I am looking forward to something, because each day comes and each day goes.  I try and fill each day with as much as I can until finally I just don't want to, and then I watch a lot of television. His absence is always SO present in my life...can't fill that void no matter what I try and do.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 4, 2017 at 5:49pm

@cloudwatcher - Yes, you know Kansas weather.  Lawrence is a lovely town.   I live in Wichita.  Today we had bright sunshine but with strong (40MPH) winds..  It is to be warm for 2 more days, so I decided to wait to bring in the flowers.  I managed to go to our local art museum. They had a special exhibit of Hudson River School Landscapes, which was very nice. Then to a couple of thrift stores, although I try not to bring too much home.  I just consider it recycling, I buy a few things for not much money, and then try to clean out some things to donate.   Now watching the movie "Frida" on DVD.   Thank goodness for DVD's, and Netflix.  I hope to get back to reading, but often still lack the concentration.   Tomorrow is another day.

Comment by cloudwatcher on March 4, 2017 at 4:44pm

Gary's wife, I hope your day has not been too bad.  I used to live in Lawrence while attending KU and loved that Art museum in KS city.  The weather there was so extreme, sometimes scary (tornados)!  And unpredictable.  I liked the abundant sunshine though, coming from PA, under clouds most of the winter.  I hope you were able to bring in hyacinth--they smell so nice.  Mine are almost too far along and won't fill the room with their fragrance.  

I edited my husbands memoirs the first year and tried to publish them, failed to get them in print, then posted them on his legacy website.  It was kind of therapeutic to read his words and put them all into an organized document that anyone could read.  I too have dropped out of touch with the dils, but by posting things online I feel I am preserving his legacy for the grandchildren.  Best wishes and healing to you.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 4, 2017 at 10:58am

@cloudwatcher and @silverlady - Thank you for thinking of me.   The sun is bright today.  I stayed in bed this morning thinking of Gary, and life, and trying to figure out what to do.   I decided I will write about him today.  I have not been very active journaling, but I am sure putting some things down on paper will help.   I also found some stories he and his mom had worked on about her life growing up in Nazi Germany, and I hope to get these organized for his family.  Gary's son died last year at the age of 42 (enlarged heart), but he had a daughter (now 3 1/2), so I hope to preserve these stories for her.  Because of various reasons I do not have contact with the dil (we all know how these things can go), but perhaps one day Gary's granddaughter will want these to know about her family history.

Silverlady- yes, we must have a connection with the names, and not too far apart in our widowhood.

Cloudwatcher - I am in Kansas, where the weather is often a bit crazy.  I think I will go pick the daffodils as having flowers in the house will be great, and who knows, it could freeze.  The hyacinth are coming up, so maybe I will dig up one and see if it will bloom inside.

I might go to the Art Museum today.  It's always free on Saturdays, so doing a quick run through doesn't seem like a waste of money.   

It's so nice to know people here understand.  

Hugs to all

Comment by silverlady on March 4, 2017 at 6:52am
Thinking of you today, Gary'swife. I always feel a special connection to you when I see your posts as I too am Gary's wife. My Gary died three years ago March 26.

I wish things could be different for us, but that is not to be. The special joy we found in life with our husbands is irreplaceable. That said, a return of sunshine and flowers--slow to come in Oregon this year--will provide some welcome joy of another type.

Sending a virtual hug to you today.
Comment by cloudwatcher on March 3, 2017 at 6:02pm

Sorry, Gary's wife.   I don't know where you live but the flowers are way ahead of schedule here in NC too. I've been feeling weird and realized the wedding anniversary is soon.  It will be 3 years since he passed on June 9.  These are only dates on a calendar and have nothing to do with where they are now.  These dates should not set us back, but maybe help us to process the grief?  Hugs and best wishes to you.  Try to think of the good times.  And as I do, try to feel gratitude for the flowers and cloud-painted blue skies and whatever else is beautiful each day.  And I try to do some kind of creative thing or good deed, whether it gives me joy or not.  So how will you cope tomorrow?

Comment by Gary'swife on March 3, 2017 at 4:35pm

It will be 3 years tomorrow.   I have been sad all day, and I just figured out this may be why.  

As much as I try, I just cannot get excited about doing anything....still can't get that joy back in my life.  I hope with spring arriving (the flowers are already starting to bloom, thanks go global warming), my spirits will improve.


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