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Latest Activity: Apr 7
Hi everyone---somehow I feel as if everyone here are old friends.
Just as I was complaining about no direction in my life, "the Gods" have taken over, and my caregiving is beginning again. My 71 yo brother, who lives alone, had a stroke on Wed. (I think) I live about 2 1/2 hours away, and when I couldn't get in touch with him I asked his secretary to check on him (he works part time). Anyway, he was on the floor, and based on the fact there were 2 newspapers in the yard, I suspect he had been there for 24 hours. Luckily I am not now working, so I drove to the hospital and have been here since. (Luckily his apt is only 5 minutes from the hospital). Hope to get him moved to a rehab hospital on Monday, but because he has the same problem as our mom, I doubt he will ever be able to live alone again. I need to do some remodelling on my house to accomodate him, and I really don't want to go back to caregiving, so will see what happens after rehab.
I think I need a new hip replacement and can't figure out how that can happen. Broke hip and femur 2009 when dog pulled me down and have nasty metal on metal. I have a new dog (who has not not his kennel cough shot this year so cannot stay anywhere else) and no one to help me. So I walk the dog each day, and limp and hope I don't collapse. And try to garden--the crouching down to weed is what makes it worse It is painful but I just hope for the best. Have lower back pain on the other side too, but I'm not so worried about that. Can't have surgery without someone being here to help, or pick me up. So I will limp and pray. My late husband didn't help much when I got home from surgery but at least I was allowed to come home. Now I would have to be sent to rehab and I don't know what would happen to my dog, my best friend, now, or house. Have not been to a doctor in 5 years. Except for my dentist. I think I am not well but have no one here who could help, not that my husband could have, towards the end.
I am finally remembering the good times I had with my husband, and am crying in joy for them, rather than the many bad times, which I prefer to forget. I just wish I didn't need someone to help me now.
Elea, MickeysLove, Although my husband wasn't much for helping out when I got sick I still felt scared as hell when my gallbladder went gunnies bags on me a month after he died. I had been having these attacks 6 months before Doug died but didn't know what was causing them. I just assumed it was the stress of dealing with him. I happened to go through 2 major attacks in a 12 hour period and if it hadn't been for my daughter stopping by and insisting I go to the ER I can't imagine what I would have done. 5 days later I was having surgery.
I still haven't dealt with much of Doug's things. I have been so busy with my 92 yr old mother that I have no energy by the time I get home. I went from dealing with my ailing father to an ailing husband now my mother. Not much time for me or the house. I'm not griping, much, I'd do it the same way again if I had to.
Its been 30 months since Doug's passing. I never did cry. Now I find that my eyes keep watering and I've come to the conclusion that the tears are finally catching up with me. While drying my eyes I will stop and think about what I was doing or thinking about just before my eyes start to water. Its always come back to Doug.
Seems like the only time my house phone rings is either my mother or those darn robo calls. Thank the stars for caller ID. If I don't know the number I don't answer and if they can't leave a message then they don't need to talk to me.
About the only happiness I have going right now is watching our 3 grandchildren grow up. But then I think Doug is missing out on so much. Like our 6 yr old grandson did pee wee wrestling this winter. Doug would have been so proud to watch him because he wrestled from a youngster through high school too.
Winter has finally passed here in Montana. Took the blade off the tractor Sunday. Need to take the chains off but haven't got that far. Waiting for the fields to dry up a bit so I can burn/drag. Hopefully before the 4-H calves show up. Pigs will be here this weekend. And spring begins.
HUGS to all.
Hi Elea, I remember the first time I got sick after my Mike passed - It was 6 months after he passed. I had not been sleeping well since that day, and this night was the first night that I had slept fully and peacefully, I woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck that caused my left arm to go numb and my left hand not to mention the pain in my shoulder and my back. I could barely move without some type of pain, I just sat in the chair in my room and cried - not knowing what to do, or how to do it. All I could think was if Mike was here, he would have already taken care of this and I wouldn't be so alone. Eventually I got myself together and got to the doctor. Now, I hate it when I get sick because there is no one to look after me. Oh my son tries, but he has a life of his own and I don't want him rushing home from work to look after his sick mother. I don't think he minds doing it, but I feel it's unfair to him. It has been 3 years now, and I still miss him terribly. I am just now getting around to clearing out his stuff - clothing etc. and it's really taking a toll on me. I'm tired of my house being messy because of all this stuff that I couldn't touch or look at before. You are not alone, we all understand what you are going through. Hopefully, you can find peace and contentment and a bit of happy life.
Elea- I certainly understand what you are going through. Nothing seems to give me joy. I am now trying to remember the things that use to irritate me about Gary, so I don't live so much in the world of rose colored glasses. But, somehow the things I miss outweigh the things I don't.
Please know you are not alone. I know I should do some volunteer work, etc., to help others (which I am sure would make me feel better), but I have not yet managed to do so. I just passed the 3 year mark, and the grief is not so raw, but the joy of life has not returned.
Elea, I am sorry you are feeling so many emotions and on top of that you are ill. Please know I am thinking of you. This is a hard road. I am at 21 months and its hard. I don't expect that there will be any quick cure or really ever full satisfaction that I experienced in my 35 years with Ken. I hope for peace and a little contentment and a little joy. May you find that this time is a season and you will go back to some level of comfort.
I understand the de-cluttering. It was easier when I was still deep in the fog of grief after Mark died suddenly in December 2014. Now I am not so quick to throw out that piece of paper with his handwriting on it; I have wanted to have a quilt made from his t-shirts, but cannot bring myself to cut the shirts in the necessary way to start the process. I am wishing we were getting some sort of winter...it has been more like early Spring/ Summer even in January. It is not uncommon to have grief waves and spurts. Shock of loss affects the mind, body and the spirit and we can only fend it off for so long.
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