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Widowed in 2014

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Members: 406
Latest Activity: Apr 7

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Comment by Gary'swife on April 7, 2017 at 12:39pm

Hi everyone---somehow I feel as if everyone here are old friends.

Just as I was complaining about no direction in my life, "the Gods" have taken over, and my caregiving is beginning again.   My 71 yo brother, who lives alone, had a stroke on Wed. (I think)   I live about 2 1/2 hours away, and when I couldn't get in touch with him I asked his secretary to check on him (he works part time).  Anyway, he was on the floor, and based on the fact there were 2 newspapers in the yard, I suspect he had been there for 24 hours.   Luckily I am not now working, so I drove to the hospital and have been here since.  (Luckily his apt is only 5 minutes from the hospital).  Hope to get him moved to a rehab hospital on Monday, but because he has the same problem as our mom, I doubt he will ever be able to live alone again.   I need to do some remodelling on my house to accomodate him, and I really don't want to go back to caregiving, so will see what happens after rehab.     

Comment by Elea on April 7, 2017 at 11:48am
Hi thanks for the support...the cold is gone by took almost a month to fade away with various minor aches manifesting one day and then disappearing mysteriously the next day. The house renovation( which was our cherished plan for our retirement) is coming along nicely and surprisingly rapidly...Lou was an architect and I have somehow acquired skills I even ignored I had...a love for tiny important details and It is I who sometimes direct my architect( I chose a woman as I did not want a man lording it over me.As the 11th April ( 3 years) draws nearer and nearer I attempt to grasp what has altered in my perception of this journey in these past minutes,hours,days,months and years since Lou simply vanished into another dimension. In a way I feel like a different person ,a woman that was there before assuredly,but who is much more assertive. She has to be two people at once,fight for her own convictions and desires and also ( this has to do with the renovation of the house,I guess) the way Lou would have acted( cartesian and rational) .. as if he was guiding me somehow....this is sometimes very comforting,I feel as if he were very close..but it is also very frustrating..I would have loved to discuss all these renovation " problems" and issues with him,argued with him( and probably lost over details) it is a lonely ,stressy enterprise...but maybe in the end it might be the door to the "new " life I still hope to attain...however becoming this "different"me at the price of being lonely,missing his companionship and love...often seems so very futile.....That one special person,my blue-eyed prince is not with me (physically) to hug me and tell me I did a great job...
My son will be with me on 11th April and we will go on Lou's favourite hike ,go for lunch and spend the day together... Lou' passing still is a huge riddle and longing for him and missing him is as fierceful as the day he left....
Comment by cloudwatcher on April 4, 2017 at 10:25pm

I think I need a new hip replacement and can't figure out how that can happen.  Broke hip and femur 2009 when dog pulled me down and have nasty metal on metal. I have a new dog (who has not not his kennel cough shot this year so cannot stay anywhere else) and no one to help me. So I walk the dog each day, and limp and hope I don't collapse.  And try to garden--the crouching down to weed is what makes it worse  It is painful but I just hope for the best.  Have lower back pain on the other side too, but I'm not so worried about that.  Can't have surgery without someone being here to help, or pick me up.  So I will limp and pray.  My late husband didn't help much when I got home from surgery but at least I was allowed to come home.  Now I would have to be sent to rehab and I don't know what would happen to my dog, my best friend, now, or house.  Have not been to a doctor in 5 years.  Except for my dentist. I think I am not well but have no one here who could help, not that my husband could have, towards the end.

I am finally remembering the good times I had with my husband, and am crying in joy for them, rather than the many bad times, which I prefer to forget.  I just wish I didn't need someone to help me now.

Comment by cmllips on March 28, 2017 at 10:54pm

Elea, MickeysLove, Although my husband wasn't much for helping out when I got sick I still felt scared as hell when my gallbladder went gunnies bags on me a month after he died. I had been having these attacks 6 months before Doug died but didn't know what was causing them. I just assumed it was the stress of dealing with him. I happened to go through 2 major attacks in a 12 hour period and if it hadn't been for my daughter stopping by and insisting I go to the ER I can't imagine what I would have done. 5 days later I was having surgery.

I still haven't dealt with much of Doug's things. I have been so busy with my 92 yr old mother that I have no energy by the time I get home. I went from dealing with my ailing father to an ailing husband now my mother. Not much time for me or the house. I'm not griping, much, I'd do it the same way again if I had to.

Its been 30 months since Doug's passing. I never did cry. Now I find that my eyes keep watering and I've come to the conclusion that the tears are finally catching up with me. While drying my eyes I will stop and think about what I was doing or thinking about just before my eyes start to water. Its always come back to Doug.

Seems like the only time my house phone rings is either my mother or those darn robo calls. Thank the stars for caller ID. If I don't know the number I don't answer and if they can't leave a message then they don't need to talk to me.

About the only happiness I have going right now is watching our 3 grandchildren grow up. But then I think Doug is missing out on so much. Like our 6 yr old grandson did pee wee wrestling this winter. Doug would have been so proud to watch him because he wrestled from a youngster through high school too.

Winter has finally passed here in Montana. Took the blade off the tractor Sunday. Need to take the chains off but haven't got that far. Waiting for the fields to dry up a bit so I can burn/drag. Hopefully before the 4-H calves show up. Pigs will be here this weekend. And spring begins.

HUGS to all.

Comment by MickeysLove on March 28, 2017 at 2:58pm

Hi Elea,  I remember the first time I got sick after my Mike passed - It was 6 months after he passed. I had not been sleeping well since that day, and this night was the first night that I had slept fully and peacefully, I woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck that caused my left arm to go numb and my left hand not to mention the pain in my shoulder and my back.  I could barely move without some type of pain, I just sat in the chair in my room and cried - not knowing what to do, or how to do it.  All I could think was if Mike was here, he would have already taken care of this and I wouldn't be so alone.  Eventually I got myself together and got to the doctor.  Now, I hate it when I get sick because there is no one to look after me.  Oh my son tries, but he has a life of his own and I don't want him rushing home from work to look after his sick mother. I don't think he minds doing it, but I feel it's unfair to him.  It has been 3 years now, and I still miss him terribly. I am just now getting around to clearing out his stuff - clothing etc. and it's really taking a toll on me.  I'm tired of my house being messy because of all this stuff that I couldn't touch or look at before.  You are not alone, we all understand what you are going through. Hopefully, you can find peace and contentment and a bit of happy life.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 28, 2017 at 11:30am

Elea- I certainly understand what you are going through.  Nothing seems to give me joy. I am now trying to remember the things that use to irritate me about Gary, so I don't live so much in the world of rose colored glasses.  But, somehow the things I miss outweigh the things I don't.    

Please know you are not alone.  I know I should do some volunteer work, etc., to help others (which I am sure would make me feel better), but I have not yet managed to do so.  I just passed the 3 year mark, and the grief is not so raw, but the joy of life has not returned.


Comment by Hope on March 28, 2017 at 8:50am

Elea, I am sorry you are feeling so many emotions and on top of that you are ill. Please know I am thinking of you. This is a hard road. I am at 21 months and its hard. I don't expect that there will be any quick cure or really ever full satisfaction that I experienced in my 35 years with Ken. I hope for peace and a little contentment and a little joy. May you find that this time is a season and you will go back to some level of comfort.

Comment by Elea on March 27, 2017 at 11:26pm
Hi to all, i have not written in a long while though I have checked in once in a while to see how everybody is getting along...
I thought I had figured out strategems to handle life more effectively ,to ward of the deep abysses of grief and to stay on an even course ,fully conscious it was like walking on thin ice that might break very suddenly.
However thus I managed to renovate my house and now have started to redo my summer house as well.I went out a lot...too much probably,met other widows rebuilding their lives,went on trips with them, even had a few ( (disappointing) dates that were boring in the end...but this past month a severe cold not only made me physically extremely weak but also ripped open unknown gates,guarding deep feelings of sadness and loss. In April Lou will have been gone three years and the sadness has converted into a tremendous feeling of missing him desperately....memories at every corner,and this sense of utter loneliness ,the knowledge that we will not grow old together and needing his advice ,his laughter,his hugs are difficult to bear....
After three years,the phone hardly rings anymore,apart from some devoted girlfriends,everyone has gone back to their busy lives,(rightly so) and assumes I am ok again...but it is not ok...and this " new" life is still sthg I do not know how to fill with genuine joy and creativity...maybe I ask for too much....
Comment by on March 20, 2017 at 7:27pm
Froggie, I get what you're saying. Another experience I recently had with disposing of things concerned my own items. I've lost weight since my husband passed and it was time to get rid of all the larger clothes in my closet. I thought this would be fun and an enjoyable thing to do on a rainy day and sort of a "celebration" of my newer more slender self. The whole experience backfired. I became depressed and sad, the finally just stopped and cried. I realized he would never again see me wear those things, or the new ones and little by little I'm replacing the old with the new. He can never be part of my life going forward. To top it all off I found a beautiful Valentine poem in my dresser that he wrote for me the year he died. Even now, sometimes the grief still comes out of nowhere.
Comment by Froggie4635 on March 6, 2017 at 10:18am

I understand the de-cluttering. It was easier when I was still deep in the fog of grief after Mark died suddenly in December 2014.  Now I am not so quick to throw out that piece of paper with his handwriting on it; I have wanted to have a quilt made from his t-shirts, but cannot bring myself to cut the shirts in the necessary way to start the process.  I am wishing we were getting some sort of has been more like early Spring/ Summer even in January.  It is not uncommon to have grief waves and spurts.  Shock of loss affects the mind, body and the spirit and we can only fend it off for so long.


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