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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by cmllips on March 28, 2017 at 10:54pm

Elea, MickeysLove, Although my husband wasn't much for helping out when I got sick I still felt scared as hell when my gallbladder went gunnies bags on me a month after he died. I had been having these attacks 6 months before Doug died but didn't know what was causing them. I just assumed it was the stress of dealing with him. I happened to go through 2 major attacks in a 12 hour period and if it hadn't been for my daughter stopping by and insisting I go to the ER I can't imagine what I would have done. 5 days later I was having surgery.

I still haven't dealt with much of Doug's things. I have been so busy with my 92 yr old mother that I have no energy by the time I get home. I went from dealing with my ailing father to an ailing husband now my mother. Not much time for me or the house. I'm not griping, much, I'd do it the same way again if I had to.

Its been 30 months since Doug's passing. I never did cry. Now I find that my eyes keep watering and I've come to the conclusion that the tears are finally catching up with me. While drying my eyes I will stop and think about what I was doing or thinking about just before my eyes start to water. Its always come back to Doug.

Seems like the only time my house phone rings is either my mother or those darn robo calls. Thank the stars for caller ID. If I don't know the number I don't answer and if they can't leave a message then they don't need to talk to me.

About the only happiness I have going right now is watching our 3 grandchildren grow up. But then I think Doug is missing out on so much. Like our 6 yr old grandson did pee wee wrestling this winter. Doug would have been so proud to watch him because he wrestled from a youngster through high school too.

Winter has finally passed here in Montana. Took the blade off the tractor Sunday. Need to take the chains off but haven't got that far. Waiting for the fields to dry up a bit so I can burn/drag. Hopefully before the 4-H calves show up. Pigs will be here this weekend. And spring begins.

HUGS to all.

Comment by MickeysLove on March 28, 2017 at 2:58pm

Hi Elea,  I remember the first time I got sick after my Mike passed - It was 6 months after he passed. I had not been sleeping well since that day, and this night was the first night that I had slept fully and peacefully, I woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck that caused my left arm to go numb and my left hand not to mention the pain in my shoulder and my back.  I could barely move without some type of pain, I just sat in the chair in my room and cried - not knowing what to do, or how to do it.  All I could think was if Mike was here, he would have already taken care of this and I wouldn't be so alone.  Eventually I got myself together and got to the doctor.  Now, I hate it when I get sick because there is no one to look after me.  Oh my son tries, but he has a life of his own and I don't want him rushing home from work to look after his sick mother. I don't think he minds doing it, but I feel it's unfair to him.  It has been 3 years now, and I still miss him terribly. I am just now getting around to clearing out his stuff - clothing etc. and it's really taking a toll on me.  I'm tired of my house being messy because of all this stuff that I couldn't touch or look at before.  You are not alone, we all understand what you are going through. Hopefully, you can find peace and contentment and a bit of happy life.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 28, 2017 at 11:30am

Elea- I certainly understand what you are going through.  Nothing seems to give me joy. I am now trying to remember the things that use to irritate me about Gary, so I don't live so much in the world of rose colored glasses.  But, somehow the things I miss outweigh the things I don't.    

Please know you are not alone.  I know I should do some volunteer work, etc., to help others (which I am sure would make me feel better), but I have not yet managed to do so.  I just passed the 3 year mark, and the grief is not so raw, but the joy of life has not returned.

Hugs

Comment by Hope on March 28, 2017 at 8:50am

Elea, I am sorry you are feeling so many emotions and on top of that you are ill. Please know I am thinking of you. This is a hard road. I am at 21 months and its hard. I don't expect that there will be any quick cure or really ever full satisfaction that I experienced in my 35 years with Ken. I hope for peace and a little contentment and a little joy. May you find that this time is a season and you will go back to some level of comfort.

Comment by Elea on March 27, 2017 at 11:26pm
Hi to all, i have not written in a long while though I have checked in once in a while to see how everybody is getting along...
I thought I had figured out strategems to handle life more effectively ,to ward of the deep abysses of grief and to stay on an even course ,fully conscious it was like walking on thin ice that might break very suddenly.
However thus I managed to renovate my house and now have started to redo my summer house as well.I went out a lot...too much probably,met other widows rebuilding their lives,went on trips with them, even had a few ( (disappointing) dates that were boring in the end...but this past month a severe cold not only made me physically extremely weak but also ripped open unknown gates,guarding deep feelings of sadness and loss. In April Lou will have been gone three years and the sadness has converted into a tremendous feeling of missing him desperately....memories at every corner,and this sense of utter loneliness ,the knowledge that we will not grow old together and needing his advice ,his laughter,his hugs are difficult to bear....
After three years,the phone hardly rings anymore,apart from some devoted girlfriends,everyone has gone back to their busy lives,(rightly so) and assumes I am ok again...but it is not ok...and this " new" life is still sthg I do not know how to fill with genuine joy and creativity...maybe I ask for too much....
Comment by Just.me on March 20, 2017 at 7:27pm
Froggie, I get what you're saying. Another experience I recently had with disposing of things concerned my own items. I've lost weight since my husband passed and it was time to get rid of all the larger clothes in my closet. I thought this would be fun and an enjoyable thing to do on a rainy day and sort of a "celebration" of my newer more slender self. The whole experience backfired. I became depressed and sad, the finally just stopped and cried. I realized he would never again see me wear those things, or the new ones and little by little I'm replacing the old with the new. He can never be part of my life going forward. To top it all off I found a beautiful Valentine poem in my dresser that he wrote for me the year he died. Even now, sometimes the grief still comes out of nowhere.
Comment by Froggie4635 on March 6, 2017 at 10:18am

I understand the de-cluttering. It was easier when I was still deep in the fog of grief after Mark died suddenly in December 2014.  Now I am not so quick to throw out that piece of paper with his handwriting on it; I have wanted to have a quilt made from his t-shirts, but cannot bring myself to cut the shirts in the necessary way to start the process.  I am wishing we were getting some sort of winter...it has been more like early Spring/ Summer even in January.  It is not uncommon to have grief waves and spurts.  Shock of loss affects the mind, body and the spirit and we can only fend it off for so long.

Comment by gardenlady on March 6, 2017 at 9:57am

Hi to all....I have not been keeping up with what is happening on WV for a long time.   I had a heart scare last year and my cardiologist told me it looked like "broken heart syndrome" which he said was from shock and profound sadness making big doses of some kind of adrenaline like hormones that had affected my heart muscles.  It has a long Japanese name too and is see in PTSD and mostly widows.   For this reason I have tried to spend less time thinking about my situation and others like me and forcing myself to make some positive changes.   This winter I decided to stay and  not go south by my son in a warmer happier part of the country and be here for my northern famiy members.  I thought I was doing f. well .....until the middle of January.  All the old feelings came back with the terrible weather. So I am back seeing if it is normal to be so sad so long after.  It will be three years in April that my world fell apart and the closer it gets the sadder I feel.   Our anniversary is in April and it would be our  60th. I know this will be difficult and I am making plans to be somewhere ......don't know where or why.  We had a very good life together with a big family and I have so many wonderful memories but they don't fill the void in this house.  Everyone misses Dad/Gpa so much that they don't want to do anything but enjoy the memories of happy times.  They are more adjusted that I am to his absence since they didn't live with him for all those years. So Froggie4635  and Gary'swife in Kansas....it is too bad we couldn't do something together isn't it....I lived in Kansas for 3 years and loved it.  We left for a better job and to be closer to Grandparents etc.  I have been decluttering....which can be satisfying until you come across something that makes you remember and then those tears start again.   I will be so happy when Spring comes so I can go out and work in my yard.  I am happier out there.

 

Comment by Froggie4635 on March 6, 2017 at 5:55am

I believe that grief has given me a case of ADHD...my focus is so very bad.  If a project takes more than a certain amount of time, I get fidgety.  Reading and comprehending is still not easy, and then I get frustrated. I have three dogs, so my attention is split between what I HAVE to do, what I WANT to do...and the dogs.  Sunday was so very rainy and I knew I was NOT leaving the house, so I tried working to remove one of the final things off my list that I made the beginning of February.  When I am at work, I think of all the things I could be getting done at home; when I am home, I spend a good bit of time playing solitaire on my Kindle.  Being able to multi-task is a skill that has NOT returned since my husband died.  I went to mass with my MIL on Saturday (it was the 27 month mark); I do it for her because it still is hard to hear his name being read and pointing out that he is gone.  I KNOW he is gone and not coming back, I have accepted that.  But it doesn't make it easier to not have him there.  So I try and stay busy best I can.  It is not like I am looking forward to something, because each day comes and each day goes.  I try and fill each day with as much as I can until finally I just don't want to, and then I watch a lot of television. His absence is always SO present in my life...can't fill that void no matter what I try and do.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 4, 2017 at 5:49pm

@cloudwatcher - Yes, you know Kansas weather.  Lawrence is a lovely town.   I live in Wichita.  Today we had bright sunshine but with strong (40MPH) winds..  It is to be warm for 2 more days, so I decided to wait to bring in the flowers.  I managed to go to our local art museum. They had a special exhibit of Hudson River School Landscapes, which was very nice. Then to a couple of thrift stores, although I try not to bring too much home.  I just consider it recycling, I buy a few things for not much money, and then try to clean out some things to donate.   Now watching the movie "Frida" on DVD.   Thank goodness for DVD's, and Netflix.  I hope to get back to reading, but often still lack the concentration.   Tomorrow is another day.

 

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