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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by Doug02122014 on February 10, 2018 at 1:17pm

Triggers abound today. 

4-year anniversary on Monday,  funeral this morning,  and for dessert a hospital visit with my 2nd chapter wife Tamela to see an elderly friend of hers who happens to be suffering from advanced dimentia.

I guess I was put here today to comfort those who are where I once was.  I definitely know the path out and I have helped those in both cases. 

Mission accomplished, tomorrow is a new day.

Comment by RIKP on January 11, 2018 at 3:23pm

Thank you silverlady yes just being able to reach out yesterday to a group of people I never knew existed and then to have someone add in some kindness was and is a calming thought. So thank you again -

Comment by silverlady on January 11, 2018 at 2:41pm

Sending you a big, virtual hug, RIKP. Having to deal with everything on your own without the comfort and support of a beloved spouse is something that my widowed friends and I speak of frequently. In a way, it seems to get cumulative as the years go by. And certainly we all need to be comforted when upsetting medical news comes our way. I hope knowing others are thinking of you will help a tiny bit.

Comment by RIKP on January 11, 2018 at 3:07am

This is the first time I have been on this site my husband and stay at home Dad to our only son passed on August 28, 2014 after 24 yours together. It has and continues to be a long journey more good days than bad at this point but I received some medical news that wasn't great and it has thrown me off. It would have been easy before I would have rushed home to tell him and he would have made me see how simple this all was and that we could do it together. I got home and just started to cry I don't want my son to see me this way its been harder on him sometimes I think. Not having that support this time just made me a mess and I have managed to weather all of the other things life throws at you but this was the straw. Still in a funk and tearful.

Comment by Gary'swife on January 10, 2018 at 8:19pm

@Doug02122014 -   Such a nice photo.   The connection is always there, especially when you have children.  I have not yet gone to see the movie "Coco", but I like the sentiment that we are connected to those who are dead, because that is how I feel. 

Comment by Doug02122014 on January 10, 2018 at 12:37pm

Today is another 1st. on this journey.  My youngest daughter stared driving by herself.   I put her through the driving school and had to prod her the entire way.   When asked why a senior in high school didn’t want to drive she said that she was afraid she would be in a wreck and kill someone in her vehicle or the other vehicle.  

Anyway it was a somber day on many fronts.  

So I  just added her to my auto insurance policy from the front seat parked as close to my wife's grave as is allowed. Somehow I feel like I have to stop by the cemetery to keep her up to date on the family.  LOL. Anyway I inclued her mother in this right-of-passage.

Comment by silverlady on January 8, 2018 at 6:19pm

Just Me and Gwamma, your posts have been really helpful to me. The controlling behavior and angry outbursts on the part of close family members seem to be common themes in our “stories.” With death being the ultimate loss of control, I guess maybe this is not surprising. I hope it is something that psychologists will begin addressing. Sending you both hugs!

Comment by on January 7, 2018 at 7:20pm

Thank you Gwamma and silver lady for your responses. It meant so much to have people who understand these strange changes that take place after we become widowed, even with our closest family members. You both have experienced some of the very same things that have happened to me. I think the idea of the dance program triggering some held back emotions may be true. And I must say that I've felt that my son often gets miffed if our plans or ideas differ. He was never quite so controlling before, buts that's become an issue for me.. I'm pretty independent and although I really don't think he wants to be responsible for me, I do think he expects me to believe he knows what's best. Our relationship is so different now. It helps so much to see that this may be due to issues he is dealing with and not necessarily something I've said or done. You all have given me a fresh perspective. I appreciate you all so much.

Comment by Gwamma on January 7, 2018 at 1:22pm

Just me.  Big hugs.  It’s certainly awful when we realize that ALL our relationships change when we lose our mate..even (almost ESPECIALLY, I think, with our children).  Everyone viewed us as half of a pair.  Now we have to be viewed as a solitary individual.  I remember when I first married that I overheard my father talking to my new hubby expressing relief that the “responsibility” for my wellbeing and happiness was now officially off his shoulders and onto my new hubby.  I was hurt but considered it a custom of daddy’s generation.  Then, when my husband passed away, suddenly my own SON started acting different toward me.  As though I lost the ability to think and reason and act independently.  This still persists even to today, even though I still work a full time job and live in my own home alone.  God help me if I don’t answer the phone when he calls!  Worse still when i am not home when he drops by for a visit, even though he didn’t tell me he was coming!  The anger he expresses is outrageous.  I have to keep reminding him I don’t need his permission to have a life of my own and come and go as I please.  It’s as though he feels I am his child and expects me to act as such even though I rarely ask for his help and/or advice.  It’s the same attitude my father and my husband had.  I think it’s a male mindset.  All too often males seem to express their concern as outbursts of anger, I think.  I had hoped this would have abated after 3 years, but it hasn’t.  Most recently he has “assigned” me to his wife to deal with me since I kept telling him that his anger toward me was unreasonable and unacceptable.  Thank goodness his wife and I are best of friends!

Comment by silverlady on January 7, 2018 at 5:26am

Just Me, my heart goes out to you after reading your post. While we didn’t have children so I can’t comment from that perspective, I have had a similar situation with my sister with whom I have always been close. Within weeks after my husband died, she began having angry outbursts at me and treating me in ways she never would have before. Like you, I felt like I had another “loss.” A widowed friend of mine has received the anger treatment from her daughter since her husband died as well. We have observed that it is almost like there is a kind of shunning that occurs. Would you and your husband likely have made this drive if he were still alive? This circumstance may have triggered grief in your son for what used to be, for not only his stepdad but for how you used to be. I know this doesn’t really make you feel better about what your son said to you, but I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone in grieving not only the death of your husband but also the change in relationship with another family member. It is tortuous. A big virtual hug to you! (You actually come to my mind often; I’ll think, “Oh, I’m just like the woman on WV, it’s “just me!”)


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