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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by Debz on July 18, 2017 at 6:09pm

MickeysLove, You are not whining :)

I had a good relationship with my step children. I was there for them for years when their mother was crazy. when we paid for college, European trips for graduations, support financially and emotionally for years. Then the news in May, (from my sister in law)  that my step son was getting married, and did I want to ride to VA together...one problem.  I wasn't invited and no one knew that. It hurt a lot. It still does. I know my husband  would be so disappointed.  I have decided that in this one area I am going to have to move on. They have no time for me. Now I have none for them, a true shame given the relationship I thought we had. If I have learned one thing in the past three years it is this. If people, any people, want to be in your life they will find a way to be there. If not, then they are not worth our time and additional grief their behavior brings. 

Comment by cloudwatcher on July 18, 2017 at 5:33pm

MickeysLove,  First of all you are not a horrible person.  I have some things in common with you; and I have talked to friends who assure me I am not a horrible person because I have felt this way too,.  I have given up contact with the stepchildren, who were not here when we needed them and one did more harm than good.  They all showed up at the first memorial and one at the 2nd.  The 2 exes were at both and made a big show.  I sat silent.  My marriage was miserable for a few years before he died, he was sick and miserable and so was I watching my mother die and trying to keep them both alive and deal.  After he died I went through his things and made boxes with gifts for the grandchildren and keepsakes for his daughters.  The one daughter nearby (who is a felon and has many illegitimate children and hurt her father very much with her bad behavior) kept canceling and then showed up 3 hours late months later and kept the grandkids in the car.  I went out and insisted one open up her gift in front of me.  She never brought them over on holidays after I bought and wrapped the gifts I would send with the other kids to deliver.  So she called a couple times after he died and tried to invite her and her kids over and each time it was not convenient for me.  I emailed and invited her for other times and tried to call.  But now I have given up.  My friends know what a mess she is and so does his sister; they tell me I am right to distance myself.  

Of course I know he would want me to do all I can for them but they never acted like my family.  They never even wished me a happy birthday, and never came over on Christmas day.  They saw their father and me once or twice a year.  The 2 older ones are having a good life and stable,  and I did invite the eldest for a visit a couple years ago via email but never heard back.  So I feel at peace with my decision to give up.  They are in my will and beneficiaries list.  That is enough.  I would love to be with one of the granddaughters but that would involve the rest. I have stopped feeling guilty.

Maybe you need to stop thinking about them and move forward too?

Comment by MickeysLove on July 18, 2017 at 3:46pm

I am a horrible person at least that is how I feel.  I don’t know if I’m losing it or this is my grief talking.  Next month will be 3 years since my husband passed, we were married 15 years when he passed and in those 15 years things between his kids and myself and my husband at times was strained.  With that being said, his kids barely spoke to him the last year of his life and only his oldest daughter made the attempt to visit him while he was in the hospital, but only when she was in on a run (she is an EMT).  Two nights before he passed he asked to see his kids one last time, they all showed up, but took their sweet time coming.  He spoke to each one of them and asked them what they have been up to, they all put on a pretty good show for him and he passed days later thinking that his children loved him.  His oldest daughter came to both viewings and attended the funeral, while his second oldest daughter only attended the first viewing.  His youngest daughter and son (twins) didn’t even bother to come to either viewings or the funeral.  Of course they say it is because of me….  So, I made a decision at that point that I would not speak to them again.  I saw the anguish and heartache their father went through from the way they treated him and his family saw that as well.  So, last Sunday his oldest daughter got married and I was not invited (not a big surprise) but the rest of the family was invited also not a big surprise.  What really has hurt me is that no one spoke about it – like it was a big secret that I wasn’t allowed to know about.  I can no longer trust my husband’s family with anything I say or do because I don’t know what is getting back to his kids and what isn’t.  The very people who were so pissed off about the kids not coming the viewings or funerals are now all friendly with them and I feel as though they are treating me like shit – excuse the language.  Now I’m second guessing whether my decision to not speak to the kids anymore is the correct decision, matter of fact I am second guessing everything I do and say anymore.  I’m not even sure I want to be here anymore.  I just feel as though I’m done, I can go on not speaking to anyone anymore so I know if they contact me it’s because they want to not because they feel sorry for me; or I can just not bother with anyone.  I just don’t know what to do anymore….

Sorry to be so whiny…

Comment by Nieta on July 17, 2017 at 8:55am

Hi kln82,

I lost my husband nearly 3 1/2 years ago and it still seems weird to me to either say or type those words.

Most days I cope better than I used to but, I definitely still have moments when I feel sad or just plain numb.

There are still so many things in the apartment that I need to part with, like books that were more his interest, excess furniture.  I do what I can when I can best deal with it, but the best word that describes the feeling is numb.  Blocking out all emotion so that I can mechanically do what needs to be done.

I could definitely use a good cry and the tears live in a place inside of me that I can control most of the time.  They do, however, still occasionally spill out when I don't want them to despite my best efforts to hold them in.  I thought I had stopped having days where I didn't step foot outside the apartment because I didn't want to speak to or be heard by anyone or see anyone or be seen by anyone.  And yet, this past Saturday/Sunday was one of those weekends. 

Patrick and I had a canine son for a child and both my boys are hanging out together now.  Our little Westie, Tazzy lived a full life of nearly 17 years with us and my husband joined him just five years later.  My mom and dad are still alive and retired in another state but I have to earn my living where I am.  It scares the heck out of me at times that my only sibling is also on the other side and that I alone am responsible for them now. 

All I can do, is have faith, and take one day/moment at a time.

Wishing you strength love and courage in your journey.

Comment by Damianino! on July 16, 2017 at 12:29am
Kln82,welcome to the new normal. On this path we learn allover the things we took for granted before our loss. I have not cried in a while. I lost my wife and soul mate in March 2014. Tomorrow my girl will be 8. She is in a boarding primary school and I am so up my ears in work I will not be able to see her. At Mass this morning while I was praying for her and for God to keep me to be there for her till she is able to stand for her self, I failed in fighting the tears... I am still wet eyed as write this when I think of my new normal and all the majors in Olive's life that she will go through without her mum and sometimes alone as I cannot be there always for her. I pray for better days and even better years ahead for all of us.
Comment by kln82 on July 15, 2017 at 6:00pm

It seems surreal that my husband has been gone 3 years. He passed away April 2014.  I miss him so much. I find that I am doing better at daily tasks and am starting to enjoy life a little. But I find that I get really sad when seasons change or big events happen. I am a teacher and I should be enjoying summer vacation but I haven't quite figured how to enjoy a vacation without him.  

Comment by Nieta on July 7, 2017 at 3:43pm

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your heartfelt post.  It does help to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

Sending you a virtual hug.

Maria

Comment by silverlady on July 7, 2017 at 1:58pm
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in March 2014. Everything you have written rings true for me, Nieta. I was most interested in your comment about feeling like you died along with your husband. I have come to believe that for some of us part of our spirit does "cross over" when our beloved dies leaving behind just part of who we were. I hope that knowing you are not alone in your feelings helps a little.
Anne
Comment by Nieta on July 7, 2017 at 12:43pm

I lost my husband in February of 2014 and I seem to be going through a rough patch emotionally.  It's been nearly 3 1/2 years and I still think, he should be here.  His demise was completely unexpected - a massive coronary at work.  I woke up next to him in the morning and the next time I saw him, he was laid out on a gurney and gone.  I've come to terms with what's happened but I miss him terribly and I don't expect that to ever change.  I've come to terms with that as well and it, well, sucks!

Everyone goes about their own lives and that's as it should be but I imagine they think I'm fine and coping well.  Part of me still feels as if I died along with him and life has gone from "our" journey to "my"journey.  I've become better at holding back the tears and don't really go on about just how much I miss him.  I try not to think too much about it because it hurts quite a lot.  Everything is different and I am responsible for so much more. 

One lesson that has been driven home in high volume is that I am the best person I can rely on.  I am no one's responsibility  and I alone am sailing this ship.  I don't necessarily want to sail this ship alone but the bottom line is that, if I don't, it simply doesn't go forward.

Just venting/hurting/grieving...

Comment by MickeysLove on June 24, 2017 at 9:30am

Hi Bullwrinkle,  I'm sorry that you found us, but I'm also glad you found us.  I too lost my husband in August 2014, and like you I feel as though I'm just standing on the sidelines watching the game of life going by....  Even though it's been almost 3 years, I still have days where I just sit and cry although it's not as much as I did in the beginning. My husband passed at home on hospice in our family room which is where he wanted to be, he had his tv, his dog and he could see outside through our sliding door.  So every time I go downstairs to let the dog out I walk past the spot where his bed was.  Thank god that they came and removed all of the hospital equipment the day after he passed so I didn't have to look at it over and over again.  I miss him like crazy, but I force myself to get out of bed and go to work everyday.  I think without my job and my dog and my son I wouldn't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Good luck to you and stay strong. 

 

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