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Latest Activity: Feb 14
@Hopeful30 - thank you for your kind words. I don't post too often but I do read the comment wall from time to time. It's hard sometimes reading the about grief that we all have to work our way through but it's also somewhat comforting realizing this roller coaster of emotions and the efforts to move forward even if by one hour at a time; it's not only me. All of us are trying to find a way to continue on without our beloved. Hugs, strength to all and continue to believe in yourself.
Hi Mary H,
I get what you are saying and it is absolutely true. Husbands and wives make sacrifices, compromises and do things for one another because they love each other. While well intended, comments like "it wasn't always easy," don't exactly help. Sometimes, you just need someone to be there to listen and not comment on evolving emotions.
I recently visited my parents in Florida. Since my Patrick died, my mom has said things that have made me angry and simply aren't helpful at all. Initially, she stopped mentioning his name as if he never existed and I love to hear his name and I don't want him erased. I also don't want to hear any gripes about times when they were at odds for whatever reason. I understand that mothers don't like to see their children suffering and it is their natural instinct to try and make things better, but sometimes it is simply better to be there and remain silent.
I came across an article that mentioned 8 of the worst things you can say to someone who is grieving, and I let her read it during my last visit. I know it must have upset her because she'd practically said everything on the list to me, but I explained that I did not show it to her to hurt her but to help her understand that the best thing she could do for me is simply be there for me when I fell apart and not try to fix me. I further explained that what I was on a journey that only I could find my way through and that this was not something I would simply get over. I think she finally understood.
Here is the link: 8 Worst Things...
Perhaps you can show the list to your friend and speak to her about it. If she is a true friend, she will understand.
I have a friend who means well who is always waiting to seize on any statement I might make to try to re-frame my loss as not the worst thing in the world. For example, I might say, "I was weeding the lawn yesterday and he would have really loved it if I had been out there doing it with him while he was still here, but, I was always so tired trying to keep up with him that I would be trying to catch a nap when he was weeding so that I could stay up late with him." And she would say something along the lines of "it wasn't always easy." Sometimes she sucks me along with her, and I always feel dirty afterwards. The thing is, when we love someone, we do make sacrifices, stay up late so they don't have to go to bed alone, stop what we're doing to greet them when they come home, run around doing the errands that make things go smoothly, and at times we press ourselves into their lives at the expense of our own, but we get back more than we give, and none of it makes getting to make all the decisions when you didn't before, or always getting enough sleep worth it. There's no way to twist what happened into not that bad, and I need to find some way to stop getting sucked into these conversations.
Yesterday I remembered my husband into an event that he was no longer here for. I have so many memories, and we had done so many similar things that my mind just put him there. I had to pause for a moment to realize he couldn't have been.
I so understand Hope - figuring out who you are now is really a challenge. Half of you is gone - and after 30 years of being together - it is a daunting task!
Dear deaf widow,
I am truly sorry for your loss. I unexpectedly lost my husband to a heart attack a little over two years ago and I miss him all the time. We were each others sanctuary/world and, while I am fortunate to have some friends that care, they have their own lives and I am often alone.
It's funny - the things you miss sometimes, as it would drive me crazy when he constantly called out my name for something or other in our apartment and yet I'd give anything now to hear him bellow out my name. I don't like to travel my journey/life without him either and it is my prayer that each step of my journey brings me a little closer to the day when I hope to join him again on my final day whenever that may be.
In the meantime, I strive to fill my days with new experiences, try to comfort to others and learn as much as I can while I still can. I would be less than honest if I claimed to no longer cry over losing him anymore. As time passes, I simply cope a little better, but I still experience moments and periods of time when I regress and cry as if I just lost him all over again.
This "journey" is filled with lots of bumps, twists and turns and like so many wonderful widows and widowers, who continue to love but have lost their loved ones, I am simply trying to fight and find my way through as best I can. There is no manual to follow as, despite certain similarities, each experience is unique.
Wishing you courage, strength and a beautiful day.
Nice reminder, Nieta, when we are feeling so sad. Thank you. Hugs to you (and Winnie the Pooh).
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