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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Suzy B on July 9, 2017 at 8:57am
I recently passed the 2 year mark and am feeling better for the most part. The grief is much less intense and no longer all consuming. I am at a cross roads in my life now. I am pursuing a wrongful death lawsuit against two mental health clinics responsible for my husband's suicide and my lawyers think I have a very good case and will probably win. However I may need to accept a settlement since I will soon lose 2/3 of our family's income from social security survivors benefits for my son when he turns 18. I feel terrified, hopeful and am trying to trust God that it will all work out in the end. I guess when you are just trying to survive from one day to the next grief takes a back seat. But I also feel that I grieved for several years before my husband actually died the loss of the person I married. Mental illness had warped him so much over the years that the last two or three years I was with him he often seemed like someone who wasn't himself, if you know what I mean. I don't know if anyone else here has experienced that sort of pre-grieving, for lack of a better term. It was almost a relief when he actually completed, because then I was no longer constant ly worried about it. These days I am just enjoying my job, playing a lot with my grandson who arrived shortly after my husbands death, and working with my lawyers and praying for a decent outcome to my lawsuit so I can resume my "life" whatever that turns out to be. There are so many decisions I just can't make right now until that is over. I like being without a partner for the time being, so no dating for me, but I do need to get out there and meet new people in general and make some new friends. I do feel so much better now that I am starting my third year as a widow, as opposed to a year ago. . .
Comment by Flower on July 8, 2017 at 2:11pm
I'm still plodding along, I think outwardly I do a good impression of being ok, but it's still all there inside.
I still crave time alone and I am generally still very tired by the end of a work day (is that the grief or the putting on a good front I wonder).
I actually started some one on one grief counseling about 2 months ago and as hard as it is I think it helps. I am a very private person and talking to friends and family about my husbands illness, death and now my feelings has been very difficult. I also started taking an anti depressant (all be it reluctantly) as I was running on 3-5 hours sleep every night. The combination of the counseling and the drug is helping wth the sleeping.
At least I am getting 5 hours most nights now and sometimes a bit more.
I am not ready to date yet (it's been 19 months since my husband died), friends keep asking f I have thought about it though!
I am coming to terms with the fact that is my new life, I don't like it but I have no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are better days now but there's still many bad days too!
Comment by Nardly on July 8, 2017 at 10:37am

Good for you on retiring Terry. I am sorry to hear you're having health problems. I pray you will come through this okay. As far as retirement, I like not having to get up early, drive an hour each way to work etc but do miss the camaraderie we had. Worked with a great bunch of tradesmen. We basically kept the facility running, maintained and improved. But my Mom is in a nursing home so spend a lot of time there now which brings home how old I am and how at any minute I could be there. Or dead. My problem is I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. Just living day to day. Can't afford to really travel. Scared to spend any of my savings. Living on a fixed income is not easy. When I worked I had a lot more financial freedom. Not no more. I would like to sell my home and move somewhere but the market is not good where I live. To far away from the city. I was wondering the same thing about the activity of this board. What are people doing? Have they found happiness? Acceptance of the situation we are in now? Dating anyone?

Comment by alonenow (Betsy) on July 8, 2017 at 5:25am

This group has been so quiet lately. I am wondering how folks are doing. I am managing and seriously thinking about retirement. Terry - how are you doing? Are you enjoying being retired? I hope the silence means that you are all doing OK.

Comment by Bundles549 on May 23, 2017 at 5:57am

Thanks for your support, Hope! I try to be active but by the end of the week I often just don't have the energy or inclination. Time gets away from me and I "catch up" on the weekend. And anything extra, such as a trip out to see my Mom - 3 hrs away - just seems to set me back later on in the week. And now I am working 1/2 day overtime on Saturdays. I wonder how long I can keep it up! But I need the $. I think about vacation but I don't know how, where or when and I don't want to go alone. It's easier just to sty home and putte around the house. That's where I often feel the erngy of my husband, when I am doing the thins we used to do together, like Sunday brunch or watching the cooking shows on tv.

Comment by Hope on May 17, 2017 at 2:49pm

Bundles, I know what you mean about feeling dull. I feel sad and bored. I am in two book clubs, went back to school and see friends and some family but I just feel lost and wish I could drum up some real enthusiasm for something. Its been almost 2 years and I am still so lost. I turned 70 and aging also adds to the stress. I was married 35 wonderful years.

I am so sorry that you've had such stressors lately. That's so hard.

I keep on keeping on. Bless you on your journey

Comment by Bundles549 on May 7, 2017 at 1:03pm

Struggling with so many things right now - trying to care for my 95 yr old mom who lives 3 hrs away, being legally blind with an inoperable cataract that is aggravated by bright sunlight, financial stress as I discover that my salary will go down $600/month! Any one of these concerns would be something that my husband and I would talk about, he would offer comfort and support. He would have driven me out to see my mother and been supportive if I had a meltdown while struggling with her, he would be preparing our meals and we would have enjoyed a Sunday brunch together.

Instead I made my own breakfast, watched The Cooking Channel by myself. YesterdaY was a rough day. It was our wedding anniversary and I forgot it because I was so involved in all of the above! I was making crisis calls all day long! Luckily, I have discovered or been validated in my thinking that I have 5 friends who are emotionally supportive.

I don't see as little future as I did immediately after he died, but my thoughts are on the blank and joyless future that sits in front of me and everything that is remotely "good" being a reminder of our times together. There's no way to erase 35 years and no way to replace them either. Generally I manage to be on a fairly even, if dull, emotional plane but this week was filled with disappointments and stressors. Makes me really miss him. He wasn't perfect. The one thing was that I never, ever, ever didn't know that he loved and cherished me. I think about it all the time.

Comment by Cindy on May 1, 2017 at 1:17pm

BBL35 I know exactly how you feel. It has been 18 months for me too. I am in the process of moving into an apartment with my daughter. We have become pretty close. My sons both have their own lives so we are pretty much alone. I have 2 penpals through this group which I write to when I can and that is about it. It is very lonely but on the other hand I do not think I will ever want to be with anyone again that way. It hurts too much to lose them. Take care and know you are not alone in your feelings.

Comment by BBL35 on April 28, 2017 at 7:33pm
It's been awhile since I've been on here. It's been 18 mths now since I lost Dan and I am more lonely than ever. People moved on and everyone expects me to be fine. I feel so isolated.
Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on April 20, 2017 at 5:48am

Terry, I think you are very brave to be bold enough to quit.  At times, I would love to do that myself.  Other times, reality sinks in, and I hear my logical/analytical husband saying "what? you need the benefits"!  So, I am still going to work.  I work 4 10s - so that at least gives me 3 days of not having to go to work.  I can see that it would be easy for me to become a hermit if I didn't work - so probably for the best for me.  I have felt that I haven't been as good of an employee over the past 2+ years - but I do feel that my mind is finally beginning to get back to being able to focus and concentrate better.  It has really surprised me the memory issues that I've had.  Luckily I read about others in grief having those issues - or I would have thought I was really losing it!  My boss has been wonderful through all of this - so I am blessed.  Best wishes to you for following your heart/dreams.


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