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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Nieta on September 20, 2017 at 12:31pm

Thank you Cathy,

Please accept a big virtual hug from me as well.


Nieta (a.k.a. Patrick's Maria)

Comment by CathyBoo on September 20, 2017 at 9:18am

Hi Nieta and Evolving,

It has been almost 2 years on November 23th that my husband passed away suddenedly and I agree with you whole heartedly...I struggle on a daily basis to keep moving forward with my grief.  The crazy emotional rollercoaster seems to be further apart, but it is still there. I still forget sometimes that Steve is not here and I pretend some days that it is not true.  When it hits, it hits hard and just sucks! I seem to go back to the fog stage and have a really hard time focusing.  I miss him more as each day passes.  Both my dogs are now in heaven with Steve, so I do not even have them to hug, I miss all the hugs from the three of them. I will always love my husband and never not be sad that he is not with me as I grow older. The future seems like a foreign concept most days and somedays it is just too much to bare, so I too stay to myself because that is all I can handle at that time.

I have realized that I do not have the every forget, not talk about, or remember my family, ever! I am learning to walk with my grief and happiness at the same time. Steve, Mischeif, and Smokey will forever be part of me because I am part of them and will love them until I am with them.

Hugs to both of you!  I get it and wish comfort for all the widowed people in this widowed village.


Comment by Nardly on September 20, 2017 at 9:11am

Hi all. I haven't been here in a while and after reading the last 3 posts thought I would chime in. 

Evolving, we never get over it, we move forward. My daughter reminded me of that about a year and a half after my wife died. Nieta put it very well. And I will say this. I am not the same person I was before my wife died. I find I don't listen to music like I used too. I don't watch movies. I guess deep down I feel I'm not supposed to be happy? My Mom is 87 and has been in and out of the hospital since March. I find I'm reliving a lot of what Van and I went through with her ALS. Then when I visit her at the nursing home and rehab facilities I'm looking at myself in 15-20 years. People just waiting to die. I quit seeing my psychologist a few months ago and cut my anti-depressants in half because I thought I was getting better but now I don't think so. Maybe I need to go back. I just feel like why bother. Nieta, you sound like you're doing really well. And Evolving and Shantelle, I'm right there with you. Take care everyone.

Comment by Nieta on September 20, 2017 at 7:21am

Hi Evolving,

It's been over 3 1/2 years since I lost my husband and, while I am better able to cope with things, I miss him all the time.  I know that losing my husband is not something I will ever get over because one cannot simply get over someone who has become a part of them.  Moving forward in your altered journey also does not mean getting over. 

There are still some days when I don't really like to leave the apartment and simply need some alone time.  I don't want to hear from or talk to anyone and I don't want to see or be seen by anyone.  I am fortunate to have good friends and I do go out and enjoy things with them.  I also go out enjoy things on my own.  I've traveled, gone to movies and shows, etc. both with friends and on my own. 

Moreover, I often speak of and refer to my husband because, despite his physical demise, he continues to live in my heart mind and soul and I don't consider that to be a bad thing.  If others do not understand or accept that, that's their issue.

Wishing you strength, courage and peace of mind in your journey.


Comment by Evolving on September 19, 2017 at 9:15pm

Hello!  I decided to join this site (and this group) after visiting my husband's former office to run an errand yesterday, and suddenly realizing that even though 2 years and 7 months have passed since his sudden death, I am still not over the loss, and may never be fully "over it."  :(.    I am embarrassed to talk about him and how much I miss him to most other people, because I suspect they cannot understand why I can't just "move on."  I think I needed to be among others who know why this is so hard, why I still sometimes wake up feeling down, etc.

Ashjannoel, I really do hope you get to go out on Friday and manage to experience joy!  

Comment by ashjannoel (Shantelle) on September 19, 2017 at 8:50am

Hi all.  I've been so overwhelmed with every little thing in life that I have pretty much shut down.  Even from these groups.  I think my record for not leaving the house is up to 21 days.  I have managed to take my son to school everyday and that is basically as much as I can do.  I work from home so it's not that I'm not doing anything, just not going anywhere.  It's this tech world it's amazing that I can order everything I need delivered.  But it is probably not very good for me.  Year two has definitely been hard.  I can't even begin to compare them.  I've been dreaming of Erik for the past few days and it isn't helping.  The last dream was him screaming at me.  I have pretty much crashed since the dream.  Now the last time that I heard his voice is screams.   I wish he would have at least said he loved me.   I do have plans to get out on Friday.  Going to the Salvation Army ball.  I hope I make it through and can enjoy it a little bit.  Hugs to you all.

Comment by CathyBoo on July 21, 2017 at 7:36pm

Thank you Nieta. It is amazing where your mind goes during this journey we all are on...You are not rambling, I call it, trying to process. Take care.

Comment by Nieta on July 21, 2017 at 3:02pm
Dear Cindy and CathyBoo,
I agree that the first year was a blur and an emotional rollercoaster of stuff and just sheer shock that my Patrick was gone. I had woken up next to him in the morning on my way to work and the next time I saw him he was stretched out on a gurney in the hospital and gone. I arrived few minutes before he took his last breath and it that will haunt me forever. Not only did I not get a chance to say goodbye but I wasn't even there when he drew his last breath. Just saying these words puts a lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes. I miss him every day and night and I think of him all the time. It's been three and a half years for me. He died February 12th 2014 - just two days before Valentine's Day. We were supposed to go away together and so many plans for the future. We had no human children but, our canine son passed away five years earlier. Now my boys are hanging out in heaven. They were my little family. My parents are still living. They are retired and live in a different state. They could not even travel to NY for my husband's memorial service due to physical ailments. I travel to visit them a few times a year when I am able to but I also have financial responsibilities where I am and I do a lot of things that I'm were once done by two people by myself thankfully I have good friends but they have their own lives and their own responsibilities and I've learned that the best person that I can depend on is me many offered to help with so many things when he first died but I can count on two fingers how many actually did.
No matter I will keep going forward and as bad as things have felt they could be worse I'm rambling and I Know It forgive me I just miss my husband and I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Comment by CathyBoo on July 21, 2017 at 10:00am

Hi Cindy,

I lost my husband about 1 year and 1/2 ago and I agree with you. I think the 1st year is just a blurr and a roller coast ride of emotions while you live in a fog. The 2nd year started out the same and now the fog is gone most days, but the reality that my best friend is never coming home hits me like a ton of bricks.  I cry almost everyday when I realize it is true. I lost both my big 90lb. dogs (both were 14 yrs old) the year after Steve died and now I have only me to take care of...I miss waking them up, and I hate not putting them to bed. My house is super quiet without my crazy boys (all 3 of them). They were the light of my light and all made me laugh constantly. I must say that this site helps me get through my thoughts and fears knowing that I am not alone. Please know you are not alone in your journey. There are those of us that understand and are right beside you.

Comment by Cindy on July 21, 2017 at 9:45am

Next month will be a full 2 years since my husband passed away and I think I understand when people say the second year is the hardest. The first year was all about getting through all the firsts and tidying up loose ends. This second year the reality kicks in and every day for me has been about making it to the next day. I feel so sad without my husband. On the outside things seem normal but I think of him 24/7 and can't get past it.


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