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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by twainman2003 on March 8, 2018 at 8:56am

Trying to move on, but my 9 yr. old grandson lives with me.

i cannot move to getting a babysitter so I can go out. I am talking dinner, not 

bar hopping...I am 73, c’mon! It has been 3 yrs. and have met a couple women, but not

sure only meeting for lunches & matinees will have staying power. Doing a lot of volunteering 

in grandson’s school, but I knowI need some ME time with someone special.

Comment by Bundles549 on March 8, 2018 at 8:13am

In the beginning i could not imagine a future without my husband. Now I am trying to figure out where the path is leading me. I'm approaching retirement age in a city where I cannot afford to live on a pension and Social Security. I still feel isolated, although I do get out more than I used to. I'm getting used to the silence surrounding me...although I have to make sure that I don't have too many conversations with my Google Home Mini! Last summer I had a feeling that I would meet someone. I still do, but I can't imagine how or when. But I guess I just can't see myself living this life forever. Something has to change and it will change. Life is not static.

Comment by Nardly on March 7, 2018 at 5:35pm

Without you’re right. Guilt is a bitch. But I think we tend to beat up ourselves far more than we may deserve. Thanks for reminding me that we do the best we can at the time. The anti depressants do help as far as giving you more focus and energy. It’s not like taking something that changes you but allows you to be closer to normal. While taking this I have been seeing a therapist who has helped a lot and I’m now in the process of weaning off of the meds. I’m finally able to see and experience joy again. I hope you check into medication and possibly talking to someone. It couldn’t hurt. Take care. 

Comment by without on March 7, 2018 at 4:30pm

Thanks for the reply HWD and Nardy. You are probably right Nardy about some amount of depression. So far I have managed to stay away from taking meds, I do take some naturopathic stuff for anxiety and sleep problems. Does the medication help you focus? I should look into it for myself. Yes the guilt of the past can be really hard to deal with. I too have managed to let a lot of it go on most days. I keep telling myself, I did the best I could at the time. Its a very hard road we are all on, but we are doing it. 

Comment by Nardly on March 7, 2018 at 11:58am

Without, it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Very common in grieving people. I have been taking Antidepressants for about a year and a half. My wife passed in May 15th 2015 and therapy and the medication made things better. It will not take away your grief but it helps with the other symptoms. I seem to have bad days less often but my wife's birthday was yesterday. Very bad day. I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep through it. But I got up and had a talk with her. I talk to her everynight in my prayers. In the past I had been blaming myself for all kind of things. Not taking better care of her, being angry at times etc. She was diagnosed with ALS in 2012 and I was the only caregiver. When our loved ones die we tend to forget the bad and only remember the good. Yesterday I remembered the times prior to her getting sick, the bad times. When she got angry she would threaten to leave me. I have abandonment issues mostly from my Mom leaving when I was 12 and my grandma dying at the same time. She knew this and used it to hurt me. The last time she did this was Christmas morning while opening presents in front of the kids. That really hurt. That's why I was angry taking care of her. Don't get me wrong, I loved her so very much and still do but that baggage from 6 months before her diagnosis carried through her illness. Now I'm still sad about the last 3 years of our life together but am happy about the good times we did have. Even during her illness. I'm not beating up myself so much now. Without, we all feel the grief you're going through but it does get better. I don't think it ever goes away, we change to a different person because of it. Just like my daughter says, she's not moving on and forgetting, just moving forward and evolving. Hang in there. 

Comment by HillbillyWitchDr on March 7, 2018 at 11:44am

I don't post much either without,  August will make three years since my husband passed, and I also feel like this brain fog is not passing like it should.  I am only 57, and don't think it is Alzheimer's or at least I hope not.  I have started and stopped the process of giving away his things but there is so much more to do.   I am at the half way mark with his personal possessions, and know that I need to move from this house as I can't stand being here without him.

Comment by without on March 7, 2018 at 10:47am

I have not written anything in a long time, but I am always reading. So in 11 days it will be 2 1/2 years since I have been living in this hell. I am doing so much better then I was at the beginning, I can function so much better. The pain is manageable, I have times when I feel strangely okay. But I feel like I have brain damage. I can't focus, my mind is never really 100% there. Sometimes I feel like I am sleepwalking, seeing, but not really. It takes me forever to get anything done (plus having no energy or motivation does not help). I am at work right now, I have so much to do, but its just not moving at all, and I cant focus long enough to get through anything. At the beginning it was the fog and the shock that clouded my head, then I called it widow brain. But now after 2 1/2 years I am starting to wonder if this is it now, my brain will forever be 60% at best. feeling frustrated with it right now. thanks for listening. 

Comment by Charlotteelsie on January 14, 2018 at 10:43pm

Thank you for your post. My partner died 20.9.15 and it really feels like everyone around me are tell8ng me to get on. Im sitting here crying in despair this morning. Everything gone and no energy to move on.

Charlotte

Comment by Gypsy on January 14, 2018 at 4:01pm

Thank you as I will be 3 years March 8th. This dies help because the waves still hit and at times very hard. Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Mary H on January 14, 2018 at 10:26am

So true, thanks Terry and I am glad you are doing well.  I might add that what I used to think of as allowing myself to be stuck I now think of as time that I needed.  I've read a great book recently, It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine, and I would recommend it to anyone who thinks that they ought to be doing better.  It can be a big relief to feel as if you are not failing at getting back to it, and ironically that is itself a help to feeling better.  Kindness and compassion for ourselves and what we have been through is always the answer, and one which just naturally opens up our compassion for all of those around us.

 

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