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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 198
Latest Activity: 20 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Our Loved Ones Birthday....

Started by spiritual dragonfly (Linda). Last reply by spiritual dragonfly (Linda) on Thursday. 8 Replies

Today is Jims 66th Birthday....he passed on October 14, 2016., so my journey right now is dealing with all the firsts. Was wondering how y'all have dealt with you loved ones birthdays? I wrote a poem…Continue

Emergency Contact - who's yours?

Started by catapan. Last reply by barsoom (Alex) on Monday. 12 Replies

I am grateful for the Newly Widowed packet that Soaring Spirits sent me and for everyone's contributions to it.    I keep it by my bed, as part of my "Widow's Security Blanket".I was browsing some of…Continue

Dream visits?

Started by GrandmaH. Last reply by BabushkaD (Debbie) Mar 15. 5 Replies

Hi everyone,I have had several widowed friends tell me to expect a dream visit from my husband.  He died on November 3rd, 2016, so I'm 4 1/2 months into this never ending sadness.Have any of you…Continue

Coming up on a year and feeling sad

Started by WittyBlondeWolverine. Last reply by Graced Teacher Mar 12. 5 Replies

Hi everyone,The anniversary of Rob's death is coming up quickly (he died May 2) and I guess I thought I was doing okay. I have two fantastic kids and am financially secure. I have a great family and…Continue

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Comment by BabushkaD (Debbie) 20 hours ago

Lostmyeverything, I am also on a leave of absence from grad school. My husband died in October, and I valiantly tried to finish that semester--even with an extension, I ended up failing 2 of the 3 classes. Now I have til next Spring to decide to return, or if I wait longer than that, I would need to re-apply. I have no idea if I'll want to go back. I'm at that point that I can't imagine doing much of anything.

Comment by Nance63 yesterday

Soul Searcher, I loved that book.  Great quote.

Lostmyeverything, thanks for writing all that out.  I understand.  There comes an experience that changes how we look at everyone, seeing that their inevitable sorrows are there, even if unseen. I was meant to return to get my bachelors after gaining an associates at age 50, with 4.0 and other honors... but kept putting it off as I had to care for my children's needs first... and now, now that it's really important, I find I cannot. I can't imagine being able to be academically productive just yet.  I'm sorry for how challenging it has been for you!  and, of course I am very sorry for your professor who is recently bereaved.  We all have to keep at our obligations and responsibilities, even when just getting going is so difficult. Meanwhile... I hope you are closing in on the end of the courses. All the best to you on that front!

Comment by Soul searcher yesterday

I think C.S. Lewis was right on with the quote below. We have a client (husband and wife   team). The husband died of heart failure last week. They buried him Tuesday.  He  spent several weeks in ICU.   It is the same ICU floor my wife took her last breath after two weeks there.  She also died of complications of  heart failure.   When I got the news of the client  I had a very powerful PTSD moment. I was right back in the ICU reliving all the emotions. It has eased up some since then. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”


― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves

Comment by Lostmyeverything yesterday
sharing. I am enrolled in a degree program, was almost done just before husband passed in December. I have a Bachelors but jobs were not plentiful, most are looking for a Masters degree now. The degree I have does not have a Masters that would help and I wanted to align the experience I have with the proper degree. So, when he was given the diagnosis of terminal illness, no treatment, I went back to work and enrolled in a program to finish up a Masters in Business. The intent was to get a better job so we could afford to pay someone to be with him when the end was near...turns out he did not last long in the end so we would not have really needed to hire anyone, but in those last 2 months of illness I would have liked someone to be their with us as my panic and anxiety grew to heights unmanageable as I realized I could not save him.

So fast forward- I had to decide to take a break from classes this semester or register so I could finish up by the Fall. I have always enjoyed academics. Keeps my mind active. I registered thinking it would keep my mind busy instead of sinking into a deep depression thinking of my loss all day.

It has been a struggle to focus and concentrate on the material. My mind drifts during lectures. Both professors have reminded me constantly of my husband. One professor just talks incessantly about his wife and children. The other professor, an amazing teacher, but as she moves about the class I notice the ring on her finger and my mind wanders -assumes, perfect life. Her lectures are appropriate and on point, only referenced her adult child once. In any event, I leave both classes cryiny the whole drive home. As I walk across campus, my mind goes haywire- why am I in these classes, there is no longer a purpose. He was always encouraging me, asking me how my classes went, my tests results, he talked business with me and we planned...knowing that he might not be around, however not as much. I thought I will I continue, finish the degree, pursue a new career- be an example for my two children, teach them it is important to finish something you start, follow through.

Back to the classroom and grief in general. Half way through the semester and each class, I am reminded of what a perfect life these two professors have or so I think. As mentioned in WV in others posts, we see couples and assume they have what we lost- we feel that pang of pain, our other half is gone. But lately, my mind has thought-everyone dies. We live, we die. So although, these loved ones, friends, acquaintances, strangers we see who have their loved one now, at some point, one of the two will die first and feel the pain that we are experiencing.

As I did my best to listen to the lecture for 8 weeks, but easily distracted when noticing her engagement ring and wedding band-would send my mind wandering whether I should wear mine or put it away....the meaning of the ring is now buried with him-just memories now-
I thought she had the perfect life with her significant other as I think of many strangers/acquaintances I see who appear to still have their other half. Well just yesterday, she announced that she could not get our tests back because she was having a memorial for her late husband and grading has been delayed. My wound opened for her. Large gaping wound, bleeding heart. She is forever changed, yet so strong. It has been 4 months and I still can't get the words out without a lump in my throat and a box of tissues. Then I remembered the shock in the beginning, Autopilot to get through the funeral. No more autopilot, I feel everything now, deep pain as I move through each day.
So my perceptions of all these happy couples changed this week, Every human being on this earth who loves another -as a spouse/significant other/fiancé - will experience grief if he/she passes before the one they love. thanks for reading
Comment by Nance63 yesterday

Oh.. thank you.  I won't . . The very thing that makes me want to, to unending critical obligations, keep me going. But oh how I'd like to.  Lie back, and think of england! Love it. "Do it" for the nation. Ha. But, truly, lie back and float a little is another good imagery to tuck in my brain... I'll look for time to make it so. Thanks, and did not mean to cause worry . . I'm in no danger .  

Comment by catapan yesterday

Nance63, I'm so sorry.    Please don't sink, not just yet.     I know the ocean is big and deep and just about endless but you can tread water with just very little effort.     You don't get anywhere, but - you don't sink.    

Oh dear.   Please try to stay afloat.     Maybe just lie on your back;  unless you're one of those people like my brother in law  (he DOES sink!    Really.    Swimming is harder for him than for anyone I've ever known) you will, at least float.    Lie back.    

In the UK we have a saying "Lie back and think of England" (used to be said to explain their marital duties, to new wives in the early 20th century )

I've just come home from lunch out with a friend, followed by the necessary grocery shopping.    I gave in - lay back - had a short siesta and feel slightly better for it.  Physically, of course, not emotionally.

Please don't sink.

Comment by Nance63 yesterday

That, catapan ,  is a great tactic.  I believe I am treading, but growing ever so weary and overwhelmed with how big and deep the ocean is. I WANT to sink. 

Comment by catapan yesterday

Another morning - sunshine for now, here.

In case anyone would like to inform themselves more about how grief and stress are linked - here's a link (sorry - not an intentional pun) to What's Your Grief.

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/stress-in-grief

I admit that their list of thirty-two (thirty two!) constructive ways to cope with grief is a bit overwhelming - as if coping with getting dressed in the morning isn't quite enough;  but there are some ideas on there that could be helpful . . . . if only I could be motivated . . . 

When I was training as a school counsellor, I remember an image we used to help us understand people's (and our own) situation.      Imagine you're out in the deep ocean.    Are you sinking, swimming or treading water?     Sinking isn't good.      Swimming, however slowly, is progress;  and treading water is, at least, holding on.

I spend a lot of my time treading water.   How about you?    If you were sinking, I think you might not be on this site.

Comment by lowrsr (Sherry) on Friday

Yay for all of us when we manage to go forward one more day! 

Comment by catapan on Thursday

Thanks for the tips!     If Google was a Guy has certainly made me laugh out loud and now, I'm even motivated to GET OUT OF MY PYJAMAS AND SHOWER AND DRESS AND START THE DAY!

 

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