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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 209
Latest Activity: 21 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Emergency Contact - who's yours?

Started by catapan. Last reply by happylilycat 21 hours ago. 16 Replies

I am grateful for the Newly Widowed packet that Soaring Spirits sent me and for everyone's contributions to it.    I keep it by my bed, as part of my "Widow's Security Blanket".I was browsing some of…Continue

how do we deal with the lonliness

Started by sandi. Last reply by Sissy on Thursday. 5 Replies

My chat name is kittycane, my real name is Sandi. I lost my husband of 43years on May 31 to cancer. What a horrible thing for any one to go thru. I am 60 years old and now have no idea how to think…Continue

Wedding Rings

Started by lowrsr (Sherry). Last reply by catapan on Thursday. 48 Replies

I am wondering about wedding rings. Are you wearing yours? What have you done with your spouse's ring? I am wearing my husband's ring on a chain around my neck. Ever since I put it there, I have…Continue

I don't want this life

Started by Riley. Last reply by WV12345 Apr 23. 19 Replies

I'm new to Widowed Village.  My husband of 39 years died in July, 2016.  Even as I type this I still can't believe it.  He battled cancer 3 times, and his doctors wanted him to have a stem cell…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by Athena53 on Wednesday

I'm making a second pot of coffee (I earned it) and saying a prayer of thanksgiving right now.

My master BR has a high ceiling that's even higher in the "tray" center- which, of course, is where the smoke detector was installed.  I knew it was gonna be a real mess to replace the battery when it died- which it did in the middle of last night, after I'd arrived home earlier from a trip to Central America.  Annoying "chirp" every 60 seconds.  So, I spent the night in the spare BR.

I have a heavy metal extension ladder that extends far higher than I ever want to climb- dragged it into the BR, extended it so high that I could walk under it, extricated the offending battery.  It still chirped- it's wired into the electrical system.  ;-(  I had to get a flashlight and climb back up to read the orange warning label- "Warning- battery has been removed".  Umm, really?  I couldn't figure out how to insert the new one so I had to drag the ladder downstairs where the ceilings are lower and check one out down there, then drag the ladder back up.  Finally, on the second try, got the battery installed.  (And yes, I DID test to make sure it was a fresh battery first!)

This is not one of those things DH could do- he'd stopped getting up on ladders years ago due to balance problems- but at least he would have been around to call 911 if I'd landed on the floor!  I'm not even sure if I would have wanted DS to try it- he lives 3 hours away but my main concern is that he's the breadwinner for a family of 4 and I don't know if I want HIM on high ladders, either.

All's well that ends well.  I hope that battery lasts a good long time.  I know there are handyman types who would do this for a price and I may have to resort to that as I get older. 

Comment by catapan on Monday

I was just thinking, as I was in the shower, that I am going to be pretty good at pretending, today.   

So I said to myself "I am good at pretending, today";  and burst into tears.    Because I'm not.

Comment by catapan on April 21, 2017 at 12:48am

I am breaking out.

Working with my therapist, we talked about my "Eleanor Rigby" notion, the face that I put on (for whom?    For me?)

I've printed out a headshot of me when I was happy and laughing (sitting with Stuart):  I've put it in a pretty preserving jar, labelled "The face that I keep in a jar by the door" and, on the lid "Who is it for?"     

The idea is to remind me that I do NOT have to put up a facade;  that people sincerely want to know how I am and how/if they can help.

And to help me consider:  who IS it for?    Am I protecting myself?    Protecting others from my reality?

I remember a book I had, years ago, as a student, by a guy called John Powell.   The title is "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" and the corollary inside is - "because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have . . . "

I'm re-ordering the book this week.

Comment by lowrsr (Sherry) on April 20, 2017 at 6:06pm

What a happy "coincidence" Catapan!

happylilycat - I hope Sunday was still a good Easter gathering. Sometimes the dread and anticipation is worse than the actual event. 

Some days I still don't know how I can go on. It still can be so hard. And every now and then, I find myself saying "I don't like it, but I think I am going to make it." I try to hang on to those times, but they are few and far in between.

Comment by Nieta on April 16, 2017 at 4:13am

How wonderful catapan!!!  Now that's what I call a major wink!!!

Comment by catapan on April 15, 2017 at 11:06pm

Nieta - and others who know about "winks" . . . 

We were wonderfully supported during Stuart's final months here by the extended family that is our Mountaineering Club;  and since Stuart's death, the support has continued for me, with a core group frequently present.

BUT - here we are, almost five months on;  and Shirley has left for her home in France, John and Glynis left last week for a climbing trip in Europe, Pam and Peter are returning slowly overland from a month's climbing in Spain and Roger and Sheila are now in New Zealand.

To cap it all Simon, one of Stuart's closest friends, who has been a restful, relaxing and quietly comforting supporter for me . . . has faded away.    I've been increasingly missing his reassuring normality over the past few weeks.

Finally, just two days ago, I "got Stuart on the line" and asked him to send Simon.    "Don't just drop vague hints into his subconscious - please tell him that since you can't do it yourself, you want him to come to see me, on your behalf."

Some of you will not be surprised at this next bit.

Early yesterday morning, the phone rang;   Simon.    Checking I was awake, even if not yet dressed.    Where was he?

"Parked in your drive!"


Comment by happylilycat on April 15, 2017 at 3:57am

Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.  I love seeing the colorful tulips in all the stores, they remind me of the days when my Dad would bring home tulips for my mother my sister and me for Easter. Happy memories. I'm invited to a family dinner tomorrow, and right now I just cannot paste a smile on my face. I'm tired of pretending I'm OK when I'm not. Of course, there will be great consternation if I don't go, but I remember Morris' sage advice (he had a lot of that!) "the word 'no' is a complete sentence." I miss him so badly today, luckily I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. If it wasn't for my furbabies, I don't know how I would have made it through the last 14 months.

Comment by catapan on April 14, 2017 at 8:44am

Nieta - thank you for what you said about the "Wink";  I like to think it's so.

I am a second Eleanor Rigby -I wear a face that I keep in a jar by the door;  who is it for?

I bumped (literally) into Heather,  the mother of my plumber, at the supermarket, this afternoon.    She knows what I'm going through.    Their youngest son, who I'd had in my classes in school, where I was the British equivalent, I think, of an AP in your system, was killed in a car crash at age 20, just ten years ago this year..   He was a professional footballer (the English style of football) and had a great career ahead of him.    The car he was a passenger in crashed at a junction;  to this day, no-one knows the cause of this crash - Mike died, the driver escaped almost unhurt.

Anyway . . . Heather, of course, asked how I'm doing and I had to say "Please don't be nice to me - it breaks me up."    Standing by the Easter display in a supermarket on Good Friday is not the place to drip tears, though that is what I did.

There are some kind people in this world and we don't always know what their own suffering is.   

Comment by Nieta on April 10, 2017 at 2:34am

Dear Catapan,

This is something I would consider a "Wink" a.k.a. message to you from Stuart.  It is no accident that you came across it "now."

Comment by catapan on April 10, 2017 at 2:20am

Here I go - a bit long-winded again.

I was going through my box of treasures, and came across something Stuart wrote on the break- up of his previous long-term relationship.     So much of it reflects my situation now, so here is an edited extract.


My guts ached where the fist was planted, firm and hard.

I ached at the thought of break up or break down,

At the thought that all that was, is no more, 

That yesterday and all the yesterdays  before it were for nothing.

And what of the future; 

Can I Live Well?

. . . . . .. .  . . . . . 

Real friends pointed me forward and I saw

That yesterdays were not in vain.

They were great times and what I am now is a product of them.

Without yesterday, maybe

I could not Live Well.

And so I joined with friends to live again,

To spend time amidst mountains and lakes, rocks and streams,

To allow spontaneity to dictate whether we walk or climb, eat or drink, talk or listen, think or - - - ?

And then, after really living, I can look back and say 


Thank you Nieta for the hug


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