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- or am I just expecting too much right now?

The mountaineering club I'm a member of is taking reservations for the annual weekend dinner event, to be held in an area away from here and I'm being encouraged to go. It's a long way away and in principle it's an overnight stay, maybe two.

I want to go. I want to pick up some more threads of my life but I can't handle the thought of not coming home to my own bed at night. I try to envisage doing it - spending good time with friends then taking to a strange bed - and I get very scared.

I've thought of trying a night away from my own bed by going to a good friend's place for an overnight but even that scares me. It's not where I would be, it's where I would NOT be that's scary.

Have any of you been through anything like this? What could help? In my pre-bereavement life I was a traveller and adventurer (even when Stuart was not with me) so it's. . . Scary to be so scared.

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Replies to This Discussion

I have the same issues. I'm only 9 weeks out as of tomorrow so I know it's early for me. In general I find myself having separation issues. I can manage the grocery store and even my local YMCA but no more than a hour or two. As if I'll miss something. My wife's little dog Jack is grieving too, he's having separation issues as well. He cries if he losses sight of me and still looks for my wife when I get home from being gone. All that just makes it harder.
I don't have answers either but wanted you to know that I understand.
Hold on !!!
Mls64, at least if I'm weird, I'm not the only one!

I still stay home A LOT.  I think I like being where John was.  That is the only way I can explain it to myself.  It is almost like I can still feel him around me at home.  Hard to let go of that.  But I do go out and about now, but am always anxious to get back home again.  Guess it is my emotionally 'safe place'.  I understand how you all feel.  I am there, too.

Prissy, I can understand you wanting and liking to be where John was.    As for me, I am able to do the things I previously did without Stuart (my two volunteer jobs, one as a National Park Ranger and one as an assistant Instructor in Outdoor Education) and I'm beginning to find the courage to go rock-climbing with people other than he-who-was-always-the-other-end-of-my-rope.     The first time I tried that, I sobbed all the way up the crag, but now I'm getting used to it because, as I remind myself, I was a rock-climber before ever I met and started to climb with Stuart.

Some day you (and I) will look back on how far we've come and be amazed;  but right now, we just see the road rising ahead of us and it looks unsurmountable.

Catapan, I can so relate to these feeling of fear of moving on.  I am dealing with the same issues.  John has been gone just 10 months and I don't know how to be without him.  But I did promise him I would be okay so I need to find the strength and courage to move forward.  It has not been easy.  I took a big first step and went to a "safe and familiar" place for my first "without him".  I took a short flight to visit my younger son and family. Stayed 5 days.  Surprised myself but I had to really force myself to do it.  I just wanted to stay home in my own surroundings, my own bed!  But I did it and it was a good first for me.  And guess what!  It opened the door for me.  Now I am going on a 4 hr flight to the east coast to visit my two sisters I have not seen in 17 years!  I am staying at the home of a dear friend for 10 days!!

So I guess what I am saying is, take that first step and you may surprise yourself!  It may not be easy at first but you are strong.  You can do this.  Yes, it is scarry but not life threatening, lol.  We need to honor our loved ones passed by living on and doing things that we always enjoyed.  It will never be the same feel the same, but you will experience it differently.  Change is hard, but change is good.  I will pray for you to find strength and courage and comfort.  I seek these things daily for myself.  Someday I hope to be as strong as an independent woman as I was with John by my side.  Pat

Sounds scary but also sounds like good advice ! I've been wanting to make a trip to see some family but haven't been able to push that button yet either. I will also be praying for our Collective Strength !
Hi there. I know it must be a tough decision. Many days I have the same reservations. While he stressed going to get out and seek change, let me pass along advice that many on this web site have offered (maybe even you)? You will know when the time is right. Don't push yourself into anything. You go when it happens s right in your heart. Hope this helps ...

Thank you all for your thoughts so far.

Within the last thirty minutes, I've had another friend ring to ask if I'm going to the dinner weekend . . . I told her I'm even thinking of going (driving there, three hours cross country) and leaving at a reasonable time - after the pre-dinner gathering, after the  meal and before all the speeches and awards - and driving the three hours home, in the November night, cross country . . . .      

Of course I've done stuff like this in the past;  like this and more.   She said I shouldn't think of doing that - and yet to me, driving home in the middle of the night is NOT scary!    It's not getting to my own bed, in our home, that's the scary bit. 

Miket, I keep telling myself that I trust my heart to direct my actions;  so I have to do this, now and every next time.    

Yes, trust your heart. It might be that driving back and forth makes for a long day. Then again, you hit both goals ... you attend and you still sleep in your own bed. Sounds like a good compromise - if you are up to it. Scared or nervous? I still can't do anything that my wife and I did together. Not even go to the same restaurants. My grief counselor applauded me for going to the eye doctor this week. Then I told her that my wife would always come with me and I could visualize her sitting in the chair with me in the exam room. And then I cried - right in front of the doctor. Good thing I go to the eye doctor only once a year - I have twelve more months before I have to think about this again. For you, maybe similar? Get there, meet people, but head back to the comfort f your home. No matter what you decide, please do it for you. No one can look out for you but you, since no one can feel the pain you feel. One step at a time, even if they are baby steps ...

I had this too - in my case it was related to anxiety.  I developed issues with crowds, especially if it was loud (street festivals) or i was in a confined space (transit).  I had multiple friends invite me to their places to stay, but i had a finite number of places where I felt safe and comfortable.  I think for me it was a control thing.  I think a lot of the behaviours I've developed (eating better, cleaning more, working out more) are control things.

m just over a year out now, and I'm in a much better position - I still  have some anxiety, but it's not nearly as bad as it was.  I try to balance pushing myself and being kind to myself - I don't want to traumatize myself, but I don't want to be this person forever either..

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