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Can you love someone too much?  So much that life is almost unbearable without them.  I had no idea, I felt this way about Mike until I lost him. I knew I loved him , but I didn't know he held the key to my happiness.   He had cancer 3 times and I knew that we probably wouldn't be together til we were in our 80s.  But I thought I could handle it.  Well I can't!  He died July 2016 and I can't find real happiness.  He took it with him.  I can be busy taking care of our farm, or playing tennis or riding my horses.  But in the end I'm just keeping busy.  So many things that I loved died with him.  I loved camping , snow days, mexican food, our tv shows, going to fancy restaurants , clean sheets (LOL) , watching movies, etc.  And you lose all the inside jokes and giggling that married people do , or at least we did.  39 years together ! Poof!  Gone!  Our plans for retirement together, poof , gone! Playing with our grandchildren together , poof, gone! All our vacations to Seaside, FL poof, gone! Everything I"ve known poof , GONE!  

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I hear you.  I have apologized as well to my husband many a night.  I too hope he can hear me.  

Me too and I also didn't realize how much I took for granted

Mike, I wanted to respond about you going to the doctor and being disappointed that you're healthy . I thought of that so many times.  I don't seem to care about my health anymore and death doesn't scare me like it use to.  I've even been driving on the expressways in Atlanta , which are so dangerous, and not even caring if I got into a car crash and died.  I just want to be with my husband .  I don't understand why I'm so healthy and he was eat up cancer.  My only hope is that there is something beyond this life.  I've had some amazing visitation  experiences shortly after my husband died that give me hope that he is alive in some way.  I won't be afraid of death when it come for me, I am hoping my husband will greet me with open arms and take me to wherever he is now. 

Riley - I know exactly how you feel. Before my wife passed I was always nervous about death and the separation I would feel from her. I always assumed I would go first. Obviously life had other plans. Through her I have learned that death is not to be feared. She was so brave. But I know I cannot hurt myself, for that may complicate later things in heaven (so I have read). But should something happen to me beyond my control I would not fight it. Yes, I have children and grand children and then mean so much to me. But Chris was my one and only, and with every day that now passes I know I am one day closer to seeing her again. I am not sure if you feel similar? Anyway, take care.

Mike, I would never hurt myself either.  But yes I'm not really scared of dying anymore.  Like your wife, my husband was so so brave.  He faced death and if he can do it , I can do it.  My husband reached out with his free hand to the air in front of him as he died, like he saw someone , maybe it was his mother , I don't know. And yes I have grandchildren too.  They make me smile and help me get through these lonely times, but same here its not enough.  I feel each day that goes by is one day closer too.  However , I'm very afraid of my future.  I'm 59 and unless I'm killed in an accident or get cancer or something, I've got a lot of years ahead.  It scares me to face it without my husband.  I don't even know what to do with all these years ahead. I play tennis and I ride my horses, but that's it.  Otherwise I'm here alone in our house.  

Your situation is similar to mine. I am 63 and alone in my house. The kids and grandkids live near me, and I can see them often, which provides a distraction. But that’s it. Chris is not here to talk to me anymore. We loved to talk, even if it was about nothing. I found a couple of her old sweaters that were too big for her (one she used for painting) and they fit me ok. So I wear them from time to time and it makes me feel like she has her arms wrapped around me. I depended on her for everything. Now there is a big hole in my life and in my heart - Miket


 Miket and  Riley-you are lucky to be 59 and 63.I am only 52.

I do yoga at home,read a lot,take the dog for a walk in the dark.I used to be such a chicken that Mick always came to take me if I am outside late.I don't care anymore and I go to the park nearby after sunset.Whoever there can hurt me more than I was already  hurt?

In some respects, I understand your comment on the differences in age. But life is unfair and death can interrupt at any age.

i appreciate your hurt. I hurt as well. I am continually searching for answers. They never come. I know there have been many more before me that dealt with the same pain. Right now I am just numb and adrift ...

As I mentioned before, I have decided to go back to grief counseling. It has been just over a year since I lost my wife but I feel the need is still there. In my situation, I believe the grief counselor helps because she is the only one left that I can pour my heart out to. Family does not want to engage me anymore. But I also am now firmly convinced that unless you have lost the love of your life, no one can really feel what you feel. This chat room is important to me because I know many of you feel the pain and the hurt much like I do. Mostly I go through each day looking for a distraction - something to fix around the house or to run to the store and buy something I might not even need. My wife once told me that we all are put on this earth to learn and grow spiritually, and when you have completed your mission you return to heaven. My struggle is that I still do not know why I am here. She was the most loving and caring person - so I conclude she accomplished her goals. Me? I just don’t know ...

I have never bought so many shoes and cloths and I never go anywhere!

I lost my identity - I don't belong to no one and no one belongs to me..  I don't know where I belong. I don't like the feeling but what can I do.  Continue to get through each day, but the days are long.

I feel bad for people who have never experienced the love and caring we had for each other.  I can't even put it into words.  Someone said they were disappointed when they went to the doctor to find out they were in good health, I can share that thought too.

Fran , I'm right there with you.  I thought I was Mrs. Gail Ford (Riley is my horse's name LOL ) .  I still want to be mrs. Gail Ford but I'm not anymore.  I too struggle with then who the hell am I ?  I can't go back and be that teenager I was before Mike.  So who am I?  Who will I become?  I totally identify with Where Do I Belong ?  I don't even feel comfortable around my own daughters anymore.  When we all get together , I envy them.  They have their husbands and their children to raise.  I feel left out.  I don't have my partner, and their dad by my side.  I feel awkward with our old friends who still try to take me out to dinner like we use to.  We can't be a foursome anymore.  I can't sit across the table from our friends .  It's too painful.  I too am just getting through it day by day.  I really don't even want the morning to come .  It's just another day without Mike. 


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