Can you love someone too much? So much that life is almost unbearable without them. I had no idea, I felt this way about Mike until I lost him. I knew I loved him , but I didn't know he held the key to my happiness. He had cancer 3 times and I knew that we probably wouldn't be together til we were in our 80s. But I thought I could handle it. Well I can't! He died July 2016 and I can't find real happiness. He took it with him. I can be busy taking care of our farm, or playing tennis or riding my horses. But in the end I'm just keeping busy. So many things that I loved died with him. I loved camping , snow days, mexican food, our tv shows, going to fancy restaurants , clean sheets (LOL) , watching movies, etc. And you lose all the inside jokes and giggling that married people do , or at least we did. 39 years together ! Poof! Gone! Our plans for retirement together, poof , gone! Playing with our grandchildren together , poof, gone! All our vacations to Seaside, FL poof, gone! Everything I"ve known poof , GONE!
I can so relate to your pain of losing Mike. I lost Jim May 2016 and went "bat shit crazy" for more than a year. When your entire world revolves around your mate, where are you when they leave? Limbo! Waiting for him to come home and ask "are you ready babe?" 47 years of listening to his silly jokes, loving his crooked grin, still aching for his touch....this is life now? There is no moving on, just learning to adjust. Ah sister, assure me our loneliness will end soon and we can say we've had a happy moment. Please. Or, is grief the price we have to pay for having loved so deeply?
I think I'm paying the price. Grief is a testament to how wonderful a person was, how much you valued them in your life. The loneliness is awful. My friends and my own daughters try to do things with me , but its not the same, never will be . I don't know how to get around that. Maybe its too early in my grieving process. I'm still rejecting this new life. I don't like it. I don't want it.
I don't think it's a matter of loving too much, it's more about not understanding to what depth the death of their spouse is going to affect their life. When a spouse dies, the surviving spouse loses not only the person but has significant secondary losses that are equally as devastating. Hopes, dreams, social life, intimacy, everything... is lost.
My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. We knew his outcome immediately so I had 5 years to wrap my head it and accept that I was going to lose him, well... everything.
Rick passed in July of 2016 as well. I like you, much of the time, feel like I'm going through the motions but I work very hard to find the silver linings in every situation... including this loss, and in time, I have no doubt that I'll find more joys in life. For now... I find happiness in my new puppy that I got a few months ago after losing our dog in July of this year. Time with my sister's grandchildren over the holidays was joyful. I've learned that I really enjoy live music to I'm going out tomorrow night solo to listen to music and I'll find joy while I'm there.
Have you had an grief counseling, either individually or with a group? I started seeing an individual counselor about 5 months before he died and immediately joined 2 grief groups offered by hospice. Please consider going, it made a huge difference. While I'll always feel the loss and miss Rick, I've learned how to manage it.
YOu're right. I had no idea the depth of my love for Mike. I had no idea how bad it would hurt, or how crippling it would turn out to be. In the first year it was literally crippling. I couldn't eat. I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't listen to music or watch tv. It was unbelievable the condition I was in. Now I'm just like living my days, I play tennis and ride my horses. I babysit my grandson 3 days a week. But honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel like a zombie. I did go to private sessions and tried a support group. Neither seemed to help me. I've gotten more help from this website than anything.
ah.... I totally get that. We are both in the place where we want to build a new life for ourselves but don't now HOW to make that happen. Grief counseling doesn't help with that.
Are there Meetup groups locally to you? https://www.meetup.com/ I know a number of people who have had great luck with finding local social groups to meet people, find new interests... Unfortunately, there are very little close to me and pretty odd ones that I don't have any interest in. I have a volunteer orientation in a few weeks for one group and I'm thinking about volunteering at the little artsy place where I go to listen to music. Deep down, I know that I should move someplace new, someplace where I'm not so isolated but I'm struggling with where.
Yes I did find a hiking meet up group. I like to hike. I live in northern Ga so I'm close to many many trails
OMG - I feel your pain so much. I lost my wife in Oct 2016 and every day since has been terrible without her. We planned that life into our retirement years as well, but cancer had other ideas. The problem I have now is I still struggle coping with her loss and I cry every day for her. Everyone else has moved on with their lives. They tell me they are afraid to bring up my wife in any conversation for fear that my feelings will come out in full force (they will). So now I have gone back to a professional grief counselor - the only person who listens to me. And I cry, and I talk about my wife, my only true love (married to me for 40 years). So yes, I love my wife so much. And I love her more as every day goes by. Someone once told me to be patient and things will get better. I think in some ways they are even worse now. I am not sure what I can share other than to send my prayers and let you know that you are not alone in your grief. Take care ...
Miket I hope those people are right and it gets better. So far this second year seems so much worse. Its like every day is a repeat for me. Not knowing what to do to get thru the day, trying to think of things to keep busy, crying every day of stupid things, wondering if I will always feel this lump in my chest, if I will ever laugh again or feel truly happy over anything. The silence is so overwhelming that it frightens me. Everything today is internet, no human contact..what I would give to hear someones voice instead of email.
I feel the same way Riley, I always said I would be ok if anything happened to him..and I am definitely not OK. He was my best friend, my happiness always made me laugh...I can't remember the last time I laughed. I keep busy, but that's all it is. I don't want to vacation alone, go to eat alone, sleep alone. I miss him with all my heart, and I hate this new life. I'm not sure you can even call it a life. I'm 61 and feel like there is nothing for me. I will say that I have kept my camp so far, its the only place I can escape to in the summer, and for some reason I feel closer to him when I'm there, but its not the same either. 43 years together. He died 5/31/16.
Lost my husband on 5/30/2016. I thought I would be all right too. I am sometimes, but then something I see or hear brings on the memories. We had 41 years together, but where did they go? Went by so fast. I took him for granted. I seem to be doing lots of projects to fill the void. Picture him in the chair (which is now mine) or as others have said "waiting for him to come home". I hope he is home and there is no more pain.
Hi Fran, I'm discovering as well that I took my husband for granted. I really regret that and all the times I was mad at him for stupid stuff. Grieving for a husband or a wife is very complicated and other people just don't get it. I too find myself saying out loud to no one, when are you coming home? Where are you? My heart and body just can't seem to get over the fact that he's not coming home. He's not going to pull up in the garage , get out of his Ford Edge, and walk through that kitchen door. I see it all in my mind. I would give up everything to have him back.
What to do? I find myself now not motivated to do anything other than wish I was with my wife again. I recently had a physical exam and ironically, I was disappointed to learn all was fine. And I too feel guilty for all of the small tiffs we had and in retrospect wish I could take them all back. I find myself apologizing to my wife every day for any hurt that I caused her. I pray that she hears me. I still have not learned how to cope but realize this new life is here to stay. So I go forward day by day and hour by hour. I do feel your pain. And I cry a lot.