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It's been a while since I've been on here.  My husband died July 2016.  I'm still hurting bad, especially at night time .  I'd love to be asleep right now , but it's so painful just getting ready for bed and then sliding into my bed is just awful . Once I force myself in the bed , I just lay here and it all floods back into my brain.  I'm alone.  He's gone.  He's never coming back.  Then I start thinking about it all and can't stop.  Next thing I know its midnight and I'm still awake and miserable.  Sleep is a relief from the pain, but its real hard to let go and fall asleep.  I do take sleeping pills but a lot of times , my pain is more powerful than the pills and I can't sleep.  Does anyone else have trouble with their grief being stronger at night?  

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Hello Riley. It’s “normal”. Evenings and night time are when we are at our most vulnerable. Also, of course, there’s nothing else happening so our brains are prey to memories and strong emotions.

I have found that a hypnotherapy recording designed for sleep works better for me than anything else but such recordings vary enormously and it takes effort and time to find what works for you. If you can find a hypnotherapist and s/he will make a recording specifically for you, that would be ideal.

Even so, I don’t sleep through the night. The benefit of the recording is that it’s available at three in the morning; again and again.

I also have a little ritual to go to sleep on. Stuart went on many expeditions in his life, when he was totally out of reach for weeks on end but, even so, I used to write him a short note about my day every evening, just as if I was actually talking to him. I do that now and when I turn out the light, I say out loud “Night-night, Stuart” and see myself kissing him. Works for me.

There will be lots of understanding and support here from the rest of us. Take and use what works for you.

If you’re up for reading, maybe “The courage to grieve” by Judy Tatelbaum will help.

Night-night, Riley.

Thank you for your words.  I ordered the book.  

Hello Riley: I completely understand what you are going through, my husband of 25 years died on July 27, 2016 suddenly and unexpected he died in our bedroom while me and my oldest son was performing CPR on him while we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive I have not been able to sleep in my bedroom since the day he died I have been sleeping on my couch ever since he died and so has my oldest son I can still hear my husband yelling that he couldn't breathe as the EMT's were wheeling him out to the ambulance he passed away in our front yard the nights are so bad I keep waiting for things to get better but I don't know if things will ever be normal again. 

Hi Racingfan60, Your story breaks my heart.  Also you and I lost our husbands on the same day July 27th 2016. And now here we are talking on the internet.  We were married 39 years. Crawling into our bed each night is torture.  I hate it.  I'm just going through the motions of living.  I'm not happy and I feel there's nothing to look forward to.  It's a crippling outlook and hard to face each day.  I don't know what to do about it.  I guess just keep waking up to it each day.  I"m only 58 and I feel so afraid for my future.  From here it just looks like this long, long, long road I have to keep walking down.  

The nights are the worse for me because my sons are ages 24 and 20 and they are both single and in the prime of their lives and I don't want them to think they have to take care of me so they go  out with their friends at night  and I am left home watching TV or crocheting alone with my dog that is when the loneliness really sets in that is the time me and my husband used to watch TV together and just talk about things about our day or what our friends were doing or visiting relatives but now it is just me and I really kind of feel out of place because all of my friends still have living husbands and I feel like a third wheel.   This Friday Oct. 20th will be especially hard for me that would have been my husband and mine's 27th wedding anniversary this is my 2nd anniversary alone since he died I really thought this year might be easier but it is not I'm not sure this feeling will ever end because me and my husband used to do everything together. I sincerely hope you are doing better than I am.

Hi Racing Fan,

    I think I know how you feel. When I crochet, it's always in front of the T.V.  And it hurts. Paul isn't there to ask if it looks any good, etc. 

    Fall & Winter is here... Our favorite seasons. It's cooler. It's snuggle time, with no one to snuggle with.  Sunday I'm going to a Pumpkin Festival with my son, Daughter in law and grandson. Paul and I went there last year. Then he passed away 2 months after that. It's going to hurt going there. Oct. Nov. & Dec. are all going to hurt.

Susan

    

Riley,

I go thru it every single night, rarely get to sleep before 2:00 am. My husband died 5/31/16 and miss him more and more as each day goes by.  I'm 61, don't work and like you wake up each day wondering what comes next.  It's hard to even want to get out of bed somedays.  People tell me I should be thankful to have been married 43 years and I am, but it doesn't make the hurt any less.  Hope we can all find some peace on this journey soon.

Hi,

   The night is hard... even now that it has almost been 1 year. Every night I do the same thing... I put my Ipad, Iphone, and glasses on Paul's pillow.  Say my prayers... Then put my Audio Book on for a while. Is this ALL I have to look forward to?

Susan

Your last sentence really hit home for me.  I ask the same thing.  Is this it?  I feel like I'm in some kind of contest to see how long I stand it.  I want my husband back so bad.  I want my life back so bad! I don't want this new existence.  I don't know what to do .  I don't know who I am without him.  Now that he's gone , I  have no goals, no dreams for the future.  This really sucks! 

HI Riley,

  Lately, I have just been staying home in my house. Unless I HAVE to go somewhere. I guess you could call this " Me Time ."  Time to think, read Paul's letters.  

   Fall and Winter were our favorite seasons. But now those seasons hurt.

   You called this a new existence. But is existing all we're doing?  There has to be more than that. 

Susan

Susan,  yes it feels just like existing, breathe in and out, eat, sleep etc.  I fear the winter months my self.  Last winter I was really worried.  I don't know why , but it scares me.  The days are darker earlier, its cold and lonely by the fire.  I guess I'm worried we'll have an ice storm and I'll be stuck here with no power or something like that.  When Mike was here during ice storms I thought it was fun!  Not anymore.  You mentioned your grandson in one of the posts.  I have a new grandson too and one on the way.  It's wonderful ,but other people think that grandchildren are going to cure my pain.  It doesn't unfortunately .  It helps to have the new babies around me, but I'm always going to be hurting and longing for Mike. He should be here to see this!  our first grandchildren!  Bittersweet. 

Hi Riley!

   When I first help my Grandson, I told him that his Grandpa was watching him from Heaven.  I guess it's what you call Bitter Sweet.  Your right, it doesn't take away the pain.  But it does help a bit.  At least while I hold him in my arms. 

Susan

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