How is everyone doing? I thought I'd list some things I'm still feeling and new feelings or realizations. I'm still lonely. I still have nightmares. I love being with my grandsons, I'm starting to really get into gardening, I got a new yearling filly, I'm starting to gather up my husband's clothes and take them to goodwill, I still wear my wedding rings, I need something to look forward to, I don't want to hear anymore from married friends that want to tell me all about their trips together, I hate not saying "our", I feel like I'm the only one who misses my husband, because no one ever says his name or speaks of him, I still need him, I'm learning how to do things I've never done before, I'm still confused as to who I am or who I will become , I don't cry anymore , my dogs are a life saver, the only time I don't feel pain is when I'm riding my horses, my dad has become like my best friend, but he's 78 and I'm scared of when he will die and leave me, I've made some changes to the house, new furniture, new landscaping, new deck on the back. Guess I'll stop there.
What a great expression of your reality, transparent, and poignant! I can say many of the points are also my reality. I get it.
It's been a really mixed bag. I'm doing better than most- DH was on a downhill slide for 2 years and by the time he faded away in November, 2016 at age 78 it was almost a relief. Since his death I've had some wonderful trips, bringing bits of his ashes with me to scatter. Releasing some in the Ganges last month while a Hindu priest chanted from the Vedas was profound.
BUT- right now I'm dealing with a different and very unexpected loss. A dear friend from my college days suffered a stroke while I was gone last month. I've talked to him a couple of times (he's several states away) and while he's working hard at therapy he'll probably return to about 80% of normal function. We'd grown very close in the last 6 months or so and, even though marriage was out of the question, it's a loss and maybe even harder than DH's loss because he was energetic and vigorous, only 64, and it was completely out of the blue. We both have adjustments to make.
The good news- I was visiting my son and DIL last weekend- they live 3 hours away- and they're doing very well and my granddaughters (ages 4 and 1) are delightful. I love my house and my life here and have to count my blessings.
I just want to say that I still say “our”, “us”, “we” and so on. I find when I talk about my wife in the past tense I sort of feel like I am betraying the two of us. It just feels so right to talk about us still being together. It feels like we still depend on each other. And we do. I just have to ask myself more now ... what would she say or do in this situation? We were together (and still are together) for 44 years now. And I make time to talk with her every day still. I tell her what went on and if I have a problem I ask for her help. The pain and grief is still there - as bad as ever. The one thing I have learned is that I realize I am falling more and more in love with her every day and I can’t wait to see her again in heaven. Take care.
I understand. I know what you mean by loving your wife now more and more.
Lost my husband July 2016. That pang of sadness hasn't gone away. It's softer most of the time but it can come back with a vengeance as well. Working full time helps to get through the day but waking up alone in the morning sucks!!! I am still feeling cheated out of happiness especially when I visit my friends who are happily married and still enjoying each other. I tear up at the weirdest things still-seeing spices that he liked, a grocery list I came across that he wrote, hearing an expression he used to say, drinking out of his favourite glass/mug. I talk out loud to him sometimes usually out of exasperation and often to say Good Night. Have our wedding rings on a chain around my neck. Still say "we" and "our". Yes, confused as to what "me" is now. But trying hard to be positive.
It is harder for a guy to wear his wife’s wedding ring on a chain and my finger is too big anyway. So I had the diamonds and sapphires removed from her ring and mounted onto a guys ring and now I wear both her and my wedding ring on the same finger. A sign that my commitment to her is forever. I look at both rings multiple times per day and know by my feelings that this is “right”.
I still have not touched any of her clothes. I doubt I ever will. It will probably fall to my son to take care of this when I go. But I still can’t bear doing anything with her clothes. I would feel like I am throwing her away or giving her away - and she does not deserve this.
And every day I cry. Sometimes I cry so much I run out of tears. My routine for every day is to try not to think about the situation too much. The more I dwell on my wife the more despondent I get. People have said to reflect on the good times we had. But this makes me all the more lonely for her. And the bad times near the end - this just crushes me to think about how she suffered and how I was unable to help her. Big regrets.
So I try to live my life knowing she is still with me and loving me. But you are right - the sadness has not gone away. I expect it never will.