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Loneliness is eating away at me.  I'm not lonely for other people around me.  I'm lonely for my husband that died.  How do you turn a 2 person life into a one person life?  I sit in this house and look around thinking how awful this is and how quiet it is, and what the hell am I going to do for the next so many hours.  Just think of all the things in your house that is for two people?  Two cars, two chairs, two pillows, two vanities , two closets , goes on and on. We even have two weenie dogs , one for him and one for me.  We use to have Hello Fresh send us meals to cook each week.  I had to cancel it because its too painful to look at the two servings of everything.  No point in cooking anything anyway .  Dinner time is painful.  And everything after it is worse, night time, going to bed alone , trying to fall asleep alone.  

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Hi Riley, it's like you're inside my head and speaking what I'm thinking. I feel like half of me is gone and without that half, what am I supposed to do? Sometimes I just sit here and stare into blank space, feeling empty and incredibly alone, trying to understand why God left me behind, did he mean to take us both and forgot me? Should I sit here and wait, is He coming back for me? If not, where do I fit in? Then when no answers come, I break down....again. I hate nights and weekends. And cooking? No, I had a husband who cooked our dinners; who wants to set a table for one? How are you getting through this nightmare, Riley??

Thank you for responding.  I'm getting through it despite my drowning sorrow.  Sometimes I sit like you and wait for a heart attack or something.  I just go through the motions like a zombie, feed the dogs, walk the dogs, eat something, watch tv, brush my teeth, lay down , hope to sleep.  I don't like early morning either, just another day of more misery.  I don't know what to tell you.  I don't know what the answer is.  I guess I keep going because he would want me to I'm sure.  He would want me to be there for our grown daughters and grandchildren.  He would want me to take care of our horse farm that we worked so hard to have. He didn't care anything about the horses, but he did this all for me.  I want him to be proud of me, but my god this cuts like a knife. The pain is immense and overwhelming.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's unbelievable .  I had no idea this is what our life would be like.  We got married young and we worked so hard building careers and savings, and having children , and building a home.  It's over!  It's all over!  What is the point of this?  

  Hi, Riley:   Yesterday, I handed over the keys (sold) to one of our two vehicles.    Friends have tactfully asked how I felt about selling the van and, after thinking it through, I could honestly answer "Relieved:  one less weight on my shoulders".

This house, which we bought after Stuart's diagnosis, while he was in remission (remission that didn't last long) is big for two with four bedrooms, a huge master bathroom, four bedrooms, two living rooms and a large kitchen with dining area . . . but we thought we would expand into it.    Didn't happen.    I've already converted Stuart's bedroom into "the guest room" and I keep the door closed on it, along with the door closed to the master bathroom.   I use the en-suite shower and WC provision.

Like you, I'm not lonely for other people around me;  there are many friends;  they were here, frequently, often, during Stuart's last six months and I continue to tell them I need them here - in this house - for me, now.    Of course I meet them elsewhere, but the most important part of their support for me is when they come here, where they always came for us.    Here is where I am lonely - as you are.

I keep Stuart around me;  his picture, beside the head of my bed, so he's the last person I see when I go to sleep and the first I see when I wake.    He's here, all around me.   This is where I am in my journey of bereavement.    I don't , for one moment, think that you can/will be at the same point, but you are dealing with the two-thing element and it seems, right now, that you are focused on the absence of your husband, not the reminders of the joy of his presence.    

I wish you courage to keep on moving into the changes that you face.

Catapan

Yes I'm focused on a lot of things right now that hurt.  Mike wasn't supposed to die.  His oncologist talked us into doing a stem cell transplant to prolong his remission.  He was cancer free! The stem cell transplant killed him.  So I am angry, hurt, resentful and drowning in sorrow over his absence.  I can't help but hurt over the fact that he is not here.  I feel betrayed by the doctors and nurses.  Two months after he died , our first grand child was born, and now our oldest daughter is expecting twins.  My god! How tragic that he is not here to enjoy this part of our lives.  Please don't tell me he is watching from above, it just doesn't cut it for me.  He's not here WITH me!  

Hi Riley,

   I'm so sorry about how you lost Mike. I'm shocked the Dr.'s did not warn you of danger of having a Stem Cell Operation.

   I'm having sad thoughts about Paul not being here for our first grandchild to be born in October. He would have been a wonderful Grandpa.

   Congratulations on your Daughter expecting Twins! 

Regards,

Susan

   

It's a horrible situation that I'm struggling with.  Apparently Mike could not go through anymore R-CHOP chemotherapy .  He had taken the maximum dose.  So the dr. said we needed to do this stem cell transplant to prolong his remission.  I wish I had done more research on it.  We might have decided against it.  I know the cancer was going to kill him eventually, but I will always wonder if I would have gotten more months or even a few years with him if we hadn't elected to do the SCT.  He might have even seen his grandchildren being born.  Our first grandchild was born 2 months after he died. I feel certain he would have at least been there for that.  The doctors say they have no idea why Mike died.  None of the cultures have grown anything and all the tests for viruses etc came back negative.  But he couldn't stop having fevers and then he quit eating and drinking.  I begged him everyday while he was in ICU to not give up, but I guess he was so so sick and we didn't know why.  The only we do know is that he developed CMV , C Diff and BK virus.  No one ever said if that was what did it.  But he got septic and died. The doctors said he wasn't supposed to get CMV , or Bk virus because we used his own stem cells.  My heart is so torn apart over this.  I don't know how to live with it.  It's killing me. 

Riley, the transition from couplehood to singlehood is hard and lonely. I so get it about not wanting other people, but wanting my partner, Loren, back. It has been 14 months today for me since he died suddenly and I miss him so much. I am doing my best to live my life, because it is what I have, but I so miss being with him, and all the comfort of having fun together, eating together, making a home together and making a life together. I know it will take a long time. Sending lots of hugs your way. Amy

Thank you Amy.  Today I had to put our 17 year old cat to sleep. She developed cancer in her little kidneys.  The girls and I bought Mike, my husband, this kitten for christmas 17 years ago.  It hurt real bad going through this today, but I was thinking this is how it should go, you live your whole life healthy , you live a happy loved life until your really really old and then you die peacefully.  I wish that my husband, Mike, had had the chance to live his entire life out .  

Boy can I relate to that. Loren died in March of 2016, two months after one of my best friends literally dropped dead from a heart attack. Then another friend died in May. My 16 year old cat, Carmel, was diagnosed with cancer in his larynx in July and died August 1. That was rough. I agree that it is how it should be; for me, it was so hard because Carmel was the kitty who was so comforting to me after Loren died, always snuggling and sleeping with me. It was a huge blow when we had to put him to sleep. Amy

It's been 15 months since my "before" life. I can see it in my mind's eye and it seems like a beautiful movie that I remember. I go through the motions, force myself to do things with friends, walk the dog, go running, get groceries, watch t.v. I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life. I hate weekends. I don't want to interrupt my friends and their lives so I spend a lot of time alone with my dog and pretend I am okay. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up. I know I have to cultivate new, single friends but that seems like a movie I haven't seen yet...I can't imagine it yet...limbo land. Basically, I am filling time and I know that is a waste of this life that I have been given but I can't seem to find the energy...

Very well said.  I'm going through the same feelings.  Yes we filling time for sure, with things I've always done , but nothing feels fun anymore.  The fun has been sucked out of my life.  Nights and weekends are torture .   All my friends are with their husbands, and I spend my nights and weekends with my dogs and horses. I take sleeping pill every night but it's starting to not work anymore for whatever reason.  Now I lay in my bed until one or two am , trying to fight the painful memories of the hospital and the chemo treatments and him wasting away in front of me.  

Hi Riley,

    Two of everything... That is what you'll find here... I live in a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house.  Just me. And " Petite Me" sleeps in a King Size bed.... It hurts to watch T.V. even. Because we spoke about EVERYTHING we watched together.. ( He also passed away in that room, so I'm sure that's part of it. )

    How do you turn a 2 person life into a 1 person life ? I wish I knew the answer.  I'll be checking back here to see if anyone has an answer or suggestion. 

    About cooking... I know what you mean. REALLY, I DO know. I have the same problem. I LOVE to cook & bake for US. But not just for me.

I hope you find yourself soon. Find a way. I'm trying to do the same thing.

Regards,

Susan

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