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I'm new to Widowed Village.  My husband of 39 years died in July, 2016.  Even as I type this I still can't believe it.  He battled cancer 3 times, and his doctors wanted him to have a stem cell transplant to prolong his remission.  Well, he didn't survive the stem cell transplant .  I am still filled with regret about our decision , anger with the doctors, and extreme sorrow over my loss. This new reality is forced upon  you and its shocking and confusing.  I don't know what to do with myself. I'm scared about my future .  Where will I be in 5 years? Where will I be when I'm really , really old?  Mike and I had it all planned out and now its over. 

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Oh Riley, I'm so very sorry for your lose. My husband also passed in July 2016. He had been sick with heart and kidney problems for quite a long time. But never sick that we couldn't continue our normal life. Then suddenly it got bad fast and he went in the hospital and after a week they sent him home with hospice. He wanted to be home, and he lived 8 days. We celebrated our 51st anniversary 3 days before he died. I was in shock and in a fog all last summer and fall. Just now I'm trying to figure what I want my future to be. Have no idea. Hugs to you.

Dear Riley, I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. I know the feeling of unreality. My Dave died April 30th of 2016. So my first year is coming up. I was in shock for a long time and would say I went to a very dark place that finally scared me enough that I saw a counselor who helped me tremendously. I understand the anger and regret. But I hope you do not blame yourself too much, as that will only  make everything harder. And I hope just for now that you will be able to not look so far into the future. Mike has only been gone a short while and grief is so energy draining. Everyone has a different path of grief after we lose our beloved, and I can only send thoughts of peace and comfort your way. Hugs, Alexandra PS I know that coming to the forums and expressing my despair and fear was a Godsend. I am so grateful for this forum.

Please don't feel bad about the stem cell transplant decision. My husband died of Acute Myeloid Leukemia but wasn't a candidate for SCT due to his age (77) and other health issues.  From what I've seen on the FaceBook AML group, though, when it works, it's about as close as you can get to a cure.  When it doesn't work, the results can be pretty awful.  With advanced medical procedures you get more risk, more uncertainty.  All you can do is choose a course that make sense to you and understand that there are no guarantees.

My husband age 44 had the stem cell transplant in October.. They said it was the only treatment to help him in Dublin. The stem cells never grafted and I watched in horror him going from a mostly healthy guy to his organs failing over a 3 week period. I don't want this life either. I can't cope. I am angry, guilty there wasn't something we could have done in America...also the last morning I came to see him, he said he was feeling better but when I got to the hospital the doctor had put him in a coma. I came with the coffee he asked for and got turned away and told what was happening. I live now in a high rise and often just want to open a window and jump out. He was the greatest handsomest most wonderful man I ever knew. I am so sorry this has happened to you too.

I am so tired of remembering and crying everyday. Not being able to continue without Kevin. I hate this.

Message me anytime.
Kirsten

Dear Kristen, I know how hard this is for you. It's killing me, but you have to go on and try to think of the good things.  It took me many months to get rid of the "bad images" of watching him die, but I am able now to push them away and try to think of something AL would say like "are you kidding me, after 43 years this is what you think about..cut the shit" Al was always a comedian and I miss that laughter so much.  As for the Doctor doing that before you had a chance to see him...well I would have knocked his block off so go ahead and be angry about that. Remembering and crying every day are normal and actually is part of healing..it does suck,, but it is a sure sign that you are very much ALIVE AND FEELING which is a good thing.   Try to find some peace for yourself (and not by jumping out a window) and know that you are not alone on this God awful journey.  Sandi

Riley, I wish I could sit with you and just listen to you give voice to your fear and your heartbreak. At 15 months, it's slowly getting better, I'm feeling stronger. I didn't believe it when a psychologist said it would happen like this. I fought bitterly against facing reality without the only one who ever gave me courage. All our plans were made for the rest of our life together, too -- my husband of 41 years and I.

Each day you survive, each difficult encounter you get through, each fear you face really does give you strength and the courage to go on. Try keeping a journal, if you aren't already, so that you can look back and see how far you've come.

We don't want this life, but it's the one we awaken to every morning and only we ourselves can find ways to make it bearable little by little til we realize one day that we've had a few moments of happiness. Next we find ways to expand on that happiness. Visit here often with people who understand you -- who "get it."

Dear Riley, I really am sorry that things ended for you that way.  I lost my hubby of 43 years to cancer last May.  It is so hard.  I think that cancer is the word we all dread, there always seems like there is hope, but always seems to end the same way.  Your husband was very brave, 3 times is a lot to go thru.  My hubby only lived 10 months after diagnosis and was sick or in the hospital for a lot of that.  It is so heartbreaking.  I don't know what to do with myself either.  My financial future has changed for the worse, trying to live on 1 income is impossible and I will eventually have to sell the house.  As if things aren't hard enough to accept.  Nothing is normal and I feel really old, so yeah I worry to what's going to happen to me.  Al and I had just bought an rv to travel 2 weeks before he got the bad news.  We figured..ok, he'll beat this and will go in the fall. That didn't happen.  Not sure what my plans are now..I can only handle 1 day at a time.  Take care and be good to yourself, they sat it will get better..I sure hope so!  Sandi

Riley, I'm new to Widowed Village and I don't want my current life either.  Rick died in July from Early Onset Alzheimer's. The disease was horrific for the both of us so life has been pretty rough for the last 5 years. I miss our old life so very much... we were sickeningly happy.   

The future... that's where I'm stuck.  I know we aren't supposed to think about the future but I'm a planner and I NEED to have something to look foward to. Right now... there's nothing...

The future is frightening to me now.  I don't know even who I am anymore or what I going to do.  I feel lost.  

I feel the same as both of you. I'm lost  and no clue about the future. I'm a planner and I just don't have a clue.  I am making myself physically sick

Well its like there's no point to the future.  I love our daughters and my grand son , but personally for me there's nothing.  My daughters have their husbands and children to look forward to.  I feel like I have nothing.  It's like I've been given a prison sentence. We worked hard all these years to save for our retirement and now what the hell??!!!   

I'm hoping to figure this out... that's why I'm here.  I'm not willing to accept this current life. 

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