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Do any of you go out alone , like to have dinner or go to see a movie alone?  It's not that I want to be alone , but of course Mike is gone.  The one person who used to do these things with me is gone.  Sometimes I just feel like going out to eat or if its raining we would go to the movies.  I still feel like doing those things but have to go alone if I'm going at all.  I feel like a dork though , sitting at the bar in a nice restaurant on a friday night.  I'm sure everyone around me is like what's up with that lady? LOL And I have gone to the movies too alone.  First time was really hard.  I have friends , but they are married and have their own things they want to do.  Plus I feel like a third wheel when I'm out with a married couple.  No more of that!   

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I have to add that going to the doctor alone is not good.  I just had to have biopsies taken and had to get two stitches in two different places and I was not prepared for that.  As I lay on the table I was thinking "he" should be here.  He was my strength when I was weak.  He helped me through my cancer when I was 46 and I could not have done it without him, he was my support my strength.

I am widowed in 2015, but really wanted to reply to this, as it is where I am now.  I had a really full life before I lost my husband, three kids, close marriage, sister was my best friend, and then I lost my sister to a fast cancer and my husband to sudden death within a year and a half of each other.  They were both younger than I was!  My kids, 10, 14 and 16 when I lost my husband are now 13, 17 and 19 and are getting really busy with their own lives.  The friends I have (not so many because I was already full up) are married and busy.  I wasn't working/transitioning now to writing, so I stay home on my own a lot.  My relationship with my oldest daughter fell apart after her dad died (to my great sorrow), and I recently started seeing a therapist to help me accept that.  This therapist has been encouraging me to get out and do things among people, and I have been.  I'm good one on one, but, I just find it difficult to integrate with the groups.  Sure, people are friendly, but in the end, they know each other, and I just wind up heading out when I find myself standing there with no one to talk to.  I not only lost my husband, I lost everyone all at once, is what it feels like, and I keep looking for "my" people who I will hit if off with, but at my age (56) I am just so out of sync with everyone else I know and meet.  Maybe I've always been a little out of sync as I didn't start having kids until my late 30s, but that didn't matter as I was surrounded by people I cared about.  Going out to a lecture/community meeting later this  morning.  I'd say wish me luck, but almost certainly, I am going to say hello to two or three people, then get some coffee and walk around looking at the nice view, and then stand around at the outside of a group or two wishing I could get on the inside, until I tell myself I've tried hard enough and go home to give myself a mental hug and read a book or work in the garden.  I feel like a misfit.

What can I say.  You have had enough "losses" in your life in a short period of time.  Losing your spouse is about all I can take and you have lost so many loves of your life.  I feel really bad for you about your daughter.  I don't have any children only "step" children.

I am totally with you about not fitting in to large groups because that's how I am.  I am better with one on one and I guess that's because it was always just my husband and me.  I do the same thing, leave early, don't know what to say anymore and don't want to talk about the death of my husband.  I am just out of the "loop".  I am older than you so it's even harder for me.  Yes, we all have the same thing in common our "loses" but that's it.  I have health issues that limit me from to many activities for long periods of time.  Yes, I wish you luck today.

Thanks Fran, I am just about to roll out.  I know so many people feel the same way, it is just so hard to restart a life, to get back into the loop.

Hi Fran,

   I am a one on one person also.  Paul and I always had each other. We didn't feel like we had to have a large group of friends. I have 3 girlfriends from school days. ... I have friends from where I use to work.... But it's my son and daughter in law that are closest to me. ... I also have 2 sisters that are close to me. 

   I have no idea how I can get back in the loop again. I wish I knew.

   Take Care,

Susan

Hi Mary,

   Back History Notes so you know where I'm coming from:  Paul was diagnosed in 2015... then passed in Dec. of 2016. ( He had Glioblastoma , brain cancer)  

   First off, I'm sorry for all of your losses. But I know the words " I'm Sorry " don't mean much aftrer you hear it so many times... I hope the relationship between your dauhgter and yourself can heal.

   I think you need to ask your therapist just " HOW " you are suppose to go about getting involved with other people. I think half of the people here would love to know that too.

   I wish you well,

Susan

   

One-shot events such as concerts and lectures probably aren't the best place to meet people;  the single, gorgeous, kind, brilliant person ahead of you in the refreshment line is more of a movie plot line than reality.  I've done my share of having coffee, wandering around, idly eavesdropping, maybe even entering into a casual conversation, then going home.  I don't stay away from them but I don't have any expectation of finding new friends that way, either.

You're better off with recurring things.  I have a small French discussion group I found through MeetUp- it's settled into a group of 4 women and we enjoy each others' company.  I also have a weekly Toastmasters meeting and am very active in my church.  Those form my social life.  Something else may work for you- if you're in a position to volunteer, there's something that can use just about any skill or interest you have.

Hi Mary H,  I feel like a misfit too. I'm 58 and I never expected to be on my own at 58.  I was just sitting here reading all the responses, and I just realized some of my continued pain is because I have nothing immediate to look forward to.  He's not going to come home and take me out to dinner, we're not going to plan a vacation together, we're not going to the next good movie .  Doing these things by myself or with a girlfriend just doesn't cut it. I think the reason I wake up so sad and depressed each day is because there's nothing to look forward to each day.  Just more of trying to stay busy so I don't fall apart. 

Mary, 

I understand what you mean about feeling like a misfit.  I was widowed in late 2016; it's been just 15 months or so.  I just turned 40 this week, and I have a 3-year-old.  I feel like I don't fit in with the "young" people at work because they are involved in completely different things, but I don't quite fit into the "old" group because, well, I have a 3-year-old and many years ahead of me in the workforce.  I sometimes feel like Gonzo, the only one of his kind, and like I'm destined to roam the Earth alone, confused in my own world.  Unlike you, however, I don't have tons of time to be out meeting people, nor would I have the energy because I work about 50-60 hours a week.  I have high hopes that I eventually will find a few people to bring to my inner circle, but until that time, I spend a lot of time with my daughter and try to find fun activities for us to do together.  

Carrie

I don't have the three year old, but I'm 37 and was widowed in late 2016 as well. I don't fit in anywhere, and because we hadn't gotten married yet there are many who think I'm not a widow. Plus I'm young so I'll obviously find love again because that's how it works. Ha. Crap like that is why I don't spend time with others. Well meaning or not, it is useless at best and harmful at worst. Right now I work and I run a lot. Staying home is just easier and kinder. 

I understand where you are with all the loss. I lost my mother a month before my husband died.  I didn't get to attend her funeral because I was at MD Anderson with my husband at the time, and could not leave him because he was so very ill. There are days when I feel like I "lost everyone all at once" too. I had become a widowed orphan. I am not good at mingling with groups either but have challenged myself a bit to try harder and have a better attitude about it. Best of luck to you one your journey.   

Hi Mary. I'm replying to your post because it resonated so much with me when you said you felt like a misfit. I very much feel that way. Like you, I had multiple losses in a short amount of time - my sister, a nephew, a niece and my husband. I'm sure that you felt overwhelmed, very much like me at having to grieve both losses. That in itself would be enough to try deal with. Then you have the new life you are expected to create. I also feel very awkward when trying to approach and integrate in a group of people. I absolutely hate small talk and I wasn't good at any of this before the loss of my husband. Anyway, to circle back around to "misfit" moniker. There was never a time that I felt comfortable in social situations where I didn't know anyone. I didn't have to worry about that, I had my husband. So now I have to do some self-discovery in my 60s and it fully exceeds my level of comfort.

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