Do any of you go out alone , like to have dinner or go to see a movie alone? It's not that I want to be alone , but of course Mike is gone. The one person who used to do these things with me is gone. Sometimes I just feel like going out to eat or if its raining we would go to the movies. I still feel like doing those things but have to go alone if I'm going at all. I feel like a dork though , sitting at the bar in a nice restaurant on a friday night. I'm sure everyone around me is like what's up with that lady? LOL And I have gone to the movies too alone. First time was really hard. I have friends , but they are married and have their own things they want to do. Plus I feel like a third wheel when I'm out with a married couple. No more of that!
Good for you for being brave enough to go out alone. I hate that they always say "just one" before sitting you at the bar. Sometimes I don't feel like talking to anyone else so I have asked to be seated at a table. I bring my Kindle and can pretend to read while I listen in on surrounding conversations (LOL). Although I've had a few interesting conversations when seated at the bar. I honestly don't think anyone even notices us eating alone, so please don't feel like a "dork". Just be proud of yourself for taking those first steps at living your life.
Had you asked this a week ago I would have said I do it and don’t necessarily feel too bad - six days ago I went to a classical concert on my own and saw people I vaguely know from other parts of my musical life, in the audience: we exchanged casual polite comments. I was also planning to go to the cinema twice in the intervening time but ‘flu has struck and I don’t care if I do anything. In fact today is the first time this week I’ve felt like leaving my bed (as opposed to having to - to visit the doctor, to admit a friend delivering boxes of tissues and third time to admit the heating engineer to fix the freaky heating system).
I will eat lunch in a restaurant alone because I have always done this, but I can’t/don’t go to a bar or a restaurant alone in the evening. If I were in a strange town and desperately hungry I assume I would brave the situation and feed myself; again, when travelling, I’ve readily done it in the past.
All I’ve done this week has been rest (=sleep), stay warm (= in bed) and take in fluids. For “fluids” read water. Gallons of it. Oh yes, and gone down to the kitchen twice a day to feed the cats. Being alone now, with no family and, yes, since it’s skiing season bereft of friends who are on the pistes, it’s very salutary. Before Stuart’s illness, even if he wasn’t around, I just knew he was “there”.
Today has become the day I felt ready to spend time downstairs and I found I was setting up a self-care plan like those I had for taking care of Stuart, when he was home. “You (me) stay here in bed while I (me) go and turn up the heat in the sitting room then we’ll start the shower running while you (me) get out bed . . . and after the shower, we have a big fluffy bath sheet for you (me) and do you (me) want creams or baby powder . . . And let’s dress you (me) warmly and comfortably and I’ll take your (my) book and iPad and tissues down for you (me) and here’s a nice silk quilt from your (my)bed to snuggle into . . .
Well, so far, it’s worked. In fact, rereading it here, it seems like a very good thing to have done for myself. In general I try to practice self care but never, so far, with this intensity of focus or detail.
Meanwhile, while I’ve not been bored all week, I find I can be grateful for the TV coverage of the Winter Olympics. Some of the snow sports still seem very odd, to me. Here in northern England, our most traditional winter sport, after cross country skiing, is curling. It is so exciting. Weak though I am, I can summon up enthusiasm for that.
Thanks guys! And I don't mean a gross bar , I mean a bar inside of a fine restaurant! LOL I just can't sit at a table because the empty view of the seat across from me is too painful. I sit at the bar because its easier. Bartender might talk to me or I can watch tv or text my daughters on my phone. Anyway I guess I go out for dinner because that's what we did together. We loved trying new restaurants and eating excellent food and drinking wine. Mike was not as outdoor type as I am, so thats what we did together. And you know I can only take staring at my walls for so long. Have to go somewhere! I do ride my horses during the day and play tennis, and hike. But nights are tough on me. So sometimes I go out.
Hi Riley. Good for you going out and sitting at the bar. I know that feeling of what do I do while I'm sitting here? What did we do before cell phones!?! I've been out to lunch, dinner, concerts, plays, and hotels stays. Haven't done the movies yet. I do it alone, but it is not a pleasurable activity by any means. I think I carried an attitude forward after my husband's death. There were a lot of promises about connecting with me, that didn't happen. Don't get me wrong, there were a few that did reach out to me, and they are the ones that continue to reach out. It's just that I have all of these single, divorced, widowed women friends, and why don't they call and say, let's do something! I think they are content to stay at home. It can be very frustrating.
I have gone to movies alone forever, and actually prefer it. I sit very close to the front, which I do so that I don't have to look down on all the other couples and feel like the "odd one out". As for eating alone, I just go anyway. My grief therapist promoted self care, which includes taking yourself out once in a while. I usually bring a good book with me (or my Chromebook) so that I have something to fill the void when I would normally be speaking to the person I'm with. I've also taken my daughter out to nice restaurants with me (she's only 3). She is just getting to where she is having conversations and will only get better as far as dining company. I miss my husband a lot, and don't see myself ever getting remarried (and I turn 40 this week, so that's saying a lot), so relearning how to do things on my own is essential for my survival.
Whoa, Riley, I know exactly what you are saying! I do not go out to eat alone for the very same reasons....awkward! Luckily, I found a small women's group that does a lunch out once a monthbut that is it. We moved closer to one son 10 yrs ago when we knew John had PD, made a few friends but they all moved away or have since passed on. I have one friend left (also a widow) but she is very involved in her daughters' lives so she is not available to go out to eat most of the time. My son's family invite me out if there is an occassion but mostly they very busy as a family. I went to the movies by myself many years ago but I found it is not much fun when there is noone to share it with. So, for now, I am pretty much a homebody. I miss my constant companion!!
Yep, I KNOW that feeling. I have gone out do things alone that we use to do togather. I have also wondered if they are thinking I'm sort of loser since I'm alone.
I'm, starting to think that " Couples Make The World Go Around "... And if your alone, well , we just need to keep up with those from " Couplesville". We can do it!!!
I'm not a moviegoer, so don't do that alone.
No problem with eating alone in places like Starbucks or Subway, The fancier the place, the less comfortable I'd be alone although I can do it. Typically when I travel by myself I eat dinner in the hotel room- it's what Ron and I did when traveling and what I frequently did even on business because I enjoyed the peace and quiet and wanted to limit my intake of heavy, rich restaurant meals. There are usually some decent prepared foods in grocery stores.
Alone at the bar? Depends on the place. I REALLY don't want to invite pickups- more likely to get a table.
And no, I don't feel like a dork when I'm out alone. I certainly feel the hole left by Ron's passing but I don't want to let that keep me away from other people.
Next month I leave for India; today I just got the roster for our tour group. Sixteen people in total including two married couples. One of the 16 will be my widowed Aunt but it looks like we'll have plenty of non-couples company.
Apparently in Victorian times a widow just disappeared into her home, never to be heard from again; and that was to be expected. In those genteel times, I suppose widows had the "decency" not to impose their condition on the world around them. Widowhood often feels like a disease and the people around me like healthy people who don't want to get too close for fear of catching it.
I don't go out alone. Even picking up take-out feels awkward -- like I should order enough for two so as not to appear pathetic.
After the first few months of widowhood it became obvious to me that the world expected me to move on and not be a drag on their parties, so I obliged and acted happy everywhere, all the time. "Doing great, thanks!" "Oh, yes, keeping busy!" Liar, liar, pants on fire! After a few months of that, exhaustion at the effort took over and I accepted reality.
This new life that we never wanted is new in almost every way, and I've come to the conclusion that, for me, going out won't be part of it. I have friends but, like you said, Riley, they have husbands to go home to after the movie or shopping. Sometimes I wonder whether friends realize how often they bring up their husbands in conversation, such as "Jim says..." How I wish I could say that again. Saying "Jim used to say..." feels worse! I'm sure if friends knew that bringing up their husbands can feel like a punch to the gut they would not do it; but that would make it really awkward for them, to be constantly monitoring their conversation!
It's not that I feel as though everyone would be staring at me if I were out alone because, of course, they would not be, except for the briefly curious. Even then, I'd feel like I was reminding the curious that they, too, might someday find themselves in my shoes -- which would be a downer and I shouldn't do it. So I try to enjoy the things that are "okay" to do alone, like grocery or sometimes clothes shopping, going to the bookstore. But there are days when, as I'm turning down the bed, I realize I haven't spoken to another human being all day except to reply "fine, thank you," when asked at the checkout.
So I'm Victorian.
I have a hard time with that too, but I had a hard time with it before Mark died as well. I felt like a weird loner, haha. I'd bring a book to read while I was out to eat. Now I try to minimize being around people or having to talk to people, so at best I will pick up take out. Otherwise I don't go out. Too hard.
I take my crochet. ;-)
I go out to eat or to the movies, etc. alone quite a bit because many of my friends live in other places or are workings, etc. Sometimes I feel awkward, but I have to agree with Soaring Spirits that most people don't even notice. I don't think I ever paid attention to people who were by themselves in restaurants or movies. I think getting out to do things is good for us even if we do it alone. It helps in the healing process.