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I've noticed from reading other posts that I don't appear to be having as difficult a time as others. Does anyone else get this kind of feeling, like you're not reacting in what appears to be a "normal" way? I get that everyone's experiences and coping mechanisms are unique, but I'm feeling like I'm way off the path, here. I get a little teary here and there, and once in awhile I break down completely, but for the most part, not much has changed from before Mike's death.

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Dear MonstersKitten,

Normal would mean in comparison to others and there can be no comparison when it comes to grief.  Everyone's journey is as unique as each individual.  You are not on the wrong path - you are simply on "your" path.

Wishing you a beautiful day!

Hello Monsterskitten, As Nieta posted, there is no normal at this time. Our feelings, our grief, our journey and the point where we find ourselves at each moment on this journey are unique to to each of us.

Blessing, Hope and Peace for all those that are hurting this day.... Mark

Ihardlyever- I sort of relate. I miss him more than words and want him here so badly. But he was so so sick he didn't deserve to suffer another day. If you feel you've cried enough and you don't hold it in then it's not bad. I had a breakdown or 2. I get weepy. But not daily. Daily I do ok. I truly do. I also wonder if I'm "ok" because I'm doing "ok" I accept it. Nothing will change it. A lot has changed for me tho little things. Will you email me I REALLY wanna ask you some things [email protected] Please? I don't want to say it out here. But I do understand what ur saying. It's scary to admit but I've grieved I've sought support and I'm proud of the progress I'm making. Just email me plz!?? Amy
Barb, my Mike was sick most of his life, but he started going downhill a few years ago. So I think you hit the nail on the head with the anticipatory grief thing. I knew when I married him that I'd lose him young, and I made a conscious effort to accept the idea, and try my best to treat each day like it could be our last. I had hoped we'd get a few more years together, but I wasn't very surprised or shocked. I miss him like crazy, though, and i carry on (very one sided) conversations with his picture, and I snuggle his favorite quilt when I go to sleep. I mostly get nostalgic, not exactly sad. I know his body was a kind of prison, keeping him from doing things. I hope he can now.

I also don't cry very much and have been criticized for that.  I just started seeing a grief therapist (8 months in) and she reassured me that many people don't cry frequently.  Sometimes being goal-oriented and moving forward is not a bad thing.  In my humble opinion.

Your experience is similar to mine. I cry 2, may be 3 times a day, there days I do not cry at all, but then something triggers it. We have 3 kids, and most of my cries are regrets over her not being there for the children.

I used to call my wife EVERY day on the way home from work, for the past 12 years. Now It is maddening to drive home in silence. I try to call a friend, or cry, if I cannot reach anyone.

I'm similar, I don't have a lot of crying episodes rather an occasional. I miss him an incredible amount and am sad but I continue to work and appreciate my work. My children are both at college and I continue to support them. I do find the house to be very quiet, and miss all that we shared together. It's definitely a transition to figure out how to do things on my own, to figure out what shape my life will now have, but our friends continue to be supportive. Guy's last days were so hard, his ALS progressed rapidly, not a place for anyone.

Agree with Nieta.  This is such a personal thing, isn't it?  Everyone's relationship with their spouse was unique in its own way, as was their spouse's passing and our ways of dealing with it.  I know a basic amount about the seven stages of grieving, which is helping me because it makes it easier for me to recognize what I'm feeling.  I guess it validates my feelings too.

I am currently living with my cousin and his family (my partner Peter died Aug 15).  My concern for myself is that I'm not really facing things because I'm not in our home or back at work yet.  I went back to the house yesterday and had a complete meltdown.  Peter always told me that I was too hard on myself, and I'm trying to keep that in mind and do what feels right/healthy for me when it feels right for me.  It's identifying if it's a healthy behaviour or not is the part I question.  I've bought a Dummies book on Behavioural Cognitive Therapy to see if that can help out (surprising lack of books on grief and bereavement at the book store).  

Please don't misunderstand me. I do cry. Sometimes I cry to the level of hiccups and the neighbors thinking there's a rabid animal in my house. But not very often, and not for very long. I get teary probably every other day. But most of the time, I'm either reasonably in control of myself, or even *gasp* happy. I miss my Huzbing. I hope I'll see him again one day. I have resisted going through his stuff, afraid I'll get rid of something I'll regret losing later. But I'm ok, and it's only been about six weeks. Maybe it will "hit" me hard later, but I don't think so. Mike and i both knew he'd die young, and he knew how my mind and heart work, so he gave me specific instructions as to how I was to handle his death. He often said it in a joking manner, but he was serious about it. I have followed his instructions as closely as circumstances have allowed, and I can only say, I think he knew what he was talking about. He was 34 when he died. He was living and dying proof that life is too short to spend your days living in despair, and he didn't want me doing that. I will always miss him and I will always love him, and I had plenty of time to get used to the idea that one day he would leave his meat suit and head back to his home planet. I like to think that he's helping me out of the dire circumstances I've been in since he died. I like to think that when he left his medical prison of a body, he became able to do the things he's always wanted to do for me. Things like that, and wearing his favorite comfy pants (that I should have stolen from him years ago!), and talking about him, make me *gasp* happy.

Oh wow MonstersKitten, I feel like this is something that I wrote.  The only part that's different is that I'm afraid that it *will* hit me harder later, and I'll be a complete disaster.  There was only two months between his problems starting and his death, so there wasn't that much time to adjust.  Peter was awesome at trying to prepare me for this time, though, and it's helped me so much - helps me feel like we're still working on this whole situation together. 

My friends are worried about what their kids will say to me about Peter's death - that it will upset me.  It doesn't at all, though - it makes me happy to talk about him, and I know he'd crack up at some of the things they say/ask.

I'm 8 months out and only recently started seeing a grief therapist.  I was criticized by many for not crying in front of my 3 kids... that they need to see me cry so that they felt comfortable crying etc.  My instinct told me that my kids needed me to be the strong one... and according to my therapist, I did the right thing by going with  my instinct.  I do not cry often and when I do, it's not huge sobs etc.  My therapist and I are discussing this but she says that not everyone is a big cryer in general, however, we all need to release our emotions somehow.  My belief - this journey that we are on is so personal that anything and everything is okay, as long it helps us move forward.  Hugs on this sad 9/11.

This was a very interesting thread for me. About crying. I had lots of anticipatory grief, I thought about the things I would be able to do when my darling was gone. So I thought I had it under control. I am a very strong, take charge person ~ so I've been told and of course, I was all during his illness. But it just goes to show we just don't know how we will react. I am flattened, cry every day, not for a few minutes for sometimes for an hour or two. If I don't cry for several days, my body tells me with heart palpitation, rashes or stomach aches. My friends are puzzled as to why I am in such terrible grief still (4 months) and I want to slap them! ONLY FOUR MONTHS.

For people who don't cry, well, perhaps that is just you and does not reflect your grief or your love. IMO:) And those of us who thought they would just press on (like me), well, that was a big cosmic joke. So best wishes to all of us however, we are getting thru this.


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