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Hi everyone,  I'm just sitting here in my living room staring at the walls.  I do that a lot.  I guess I'm just sometimes still so dumbfounded .  I still have a hard time excepting that this is my life now.  I daydream about waking up from a nights sleep and it was all just a nightmare, and he's here or at work. I torture myself by doing that, but can't help it.   Some things are improving and some things just are not.  I watch way too much TV, but I don't know what else to do with my self.  I do play tennis and ride my horses, but that is only small sections of the day.  I joined a gym, so now I can go there on some of these rainy days or boring evenings.  Winter doesn't help !  No yard to mow and it gets dark early so can't hang outside with my dog and throw the frizz bee or something like that. Time just feels so so so long now that he's gone.  Eating has become just a chore.  I don't even care what I eat anymore, its just something to get over with .  I sleep as late as possible now because what's the point? He's not here. No one is here.  The later I sleep the less hours dealing with pain.  I know its stupid because then I can't sleep at night.  I don't want to go anywhere with our old friends anymore.  It's ridiculous me sitting there ALONE with everyone else.  The reality is NOTHING is the same, NEVER will be the same.  Sometimes I get angry, at who, I don't know.  I'm pissed because I'm 59 years old and alone .  I don't know what the freak I'm going to do with the rest of my life.  NO answer or idea I come up with is very appealing.  I don't get excited about anything anymore.  OMG I miss looking forward to stuff, being excited, being content, being comfortable, being joyful.  I better quit , I'm making myself really upset now. 

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Riley,

Your post caught my eye because I do a lot of the same. I feel bitter much of the time and it is not something I share with others or they would probably stay away even more than they do now. It is about being alone...possibly forever. It's that feeling that I wish I could wake and things would be different, or that someone would come and rescue me. But I know that is not to happen. I am refraining from participating in social media because I'm tired of seeing others' happiness. That sounds so mean and selfish, but I can't help it. I think all of those people that think I should be mended by now and that pisses me off. A text from those same people asking how I'm doing over the holidays would be considerate. And yes, winter is the pits. Sorry, I guess I didn't cheer you too much. Hugs to you.

Tess, No problem!  I don't expect anyone to cheer me up.  I just need a place to say what I really think, instead of the fake lines I give my friends and family.  


Reading both Riley s and Tess s comments I can relate.  My husband died a month after he turned 59. 

I know I am suppose to be chipper, but it is now the third Christmas and New Years I am alone, which I think will remain

forever.   Maybe it is just the holidays that have me really missing him and wondering why I am the one left, since he was the

healthy one.  Tess, everyone seems so happy in the holiday s on social media it is sickening!

For me I love working with animals as my occupation and  coming home to my pets has been my salvation-also my good friends.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and our spouses would still be with us. My wish for 2019 is for some peace to come to us all.

Hi Riley - I can relate. Your comments of getting out less and not caring about eating ring well with me. I live in Ohio and so those dreary rainy cold days don’t help things at all. I also wonder what’s the point. I do take time to be with my grandkids - I am lucky because they live so close. But they need to be with their mom and dad more than their grandpa anyway. Christmas was tough for me. Lots of crying - more so than normal - whatever normal is these days. I have concluded that this is how life will be from now on, and so I just go day to day. I still sit in my wife’s rocking chair and talk to her every day. I made her this promise and am sticking to it. But I also wish for some type of validation - that she can still hear me and misses me. Life for me has changed forever - wish it were not so. Take care - miket

Hey Riley.  I feel a lot like you do.  I think part of it is winter blues (mostly shorter daylight hours for me since I live in a warm climate) but mostly I feel that our "life"  just plain sucks right now.   We can be all intellectual and count all the blessings and "growth"  that this devastating loss of our beloved has created but honestly we still are in pain with a hole in our chest!  

Things are improving and I have no doubt that they will continue to improve.   It is just weird....trying to rediscover yourself @ 59.  Guess we do what we can to get by and hope for an early Spring!

Just wanted you to know that I could empathize with your post and thank you for writing it!  


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