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Hi everyone,  I'm just sitting here in my living room staring at the walls.  I do that a lot.  I guess I'm just sometimes still so dumbfounded .  I still have a hard time excepting that this is my life now.  I daydream about waking up from a nights sleep and it was all just a nightmare, and he's here or at work. I torture myself by doing that, but can't help it.   Some things are improving and some things just are not.  I watch way too much TV, but I don't know what else to do with my self.  I do play tennis and ride my horses, but that is only small sections of the day.  I joined a gym, so now I can go there on some of these rainy days or boring evenings.  Winter doesn't help !  No yard to mow and it gets dark early so can't hang outside with my dog and throw the frizz bee or something like that. Time just feels so so so long now that he's gone.  Eating has become just a chore.  I don't even care what I eat anymore, its just something to get over with .  I sleep as late as possible now because what's the point? He's not here. No one is here.  The later I sleep the less hours dealing with pain.  I know its stupid because then I can't sleep at night.  I don't want to go anywhere with our old friends anymore.  It's ridiculous me sitting there ALONE with everyone else.  The reality is NOTHING is the same, NEVER will be the same.  Sometimes I get angry, at who, I don't know.  I'm pissed because I'm 59 years old and alone .  I don't know what the freak I'm going to do with the rest of my life.  NO answer or idea I come up with is very appealing.  I don't get excited about anything anymore.  OMG I miss looking forward to stuff, being excited, being content, being comfortable, being joyful.  I better quit , I'm making myself really upset now. 

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Hi Riley,

Your post caught my eye because I do a lot of the same. I feel bitter much of the time and it is not something I share with others or they would probably stay away even more than they do now. It is about being alone...possibly forever. It's that feeling that I wish I could wake and things would be different, or that someone would come and rescue me. But I know that is not to happen. I am refraining from participating in social media because I'm tired of seeing others' happiness. That sounds so mean and selfish, but I can't help it. I think all of those people that think I should be mended by now and that pisses me off. A text from those same people asking how I'm doing over the holidays would be considerate. And yes, winter is the pits. Sorry, I guess I didn't cheer you too much. Hugs to you.

Tess, No problem!  I don't expect anyone to cheer me up.  I just need a place to say what I really think, instead of the fake lines I give my friends and family.  

Hi

Reading both Riley s and Tess s comments I can relate.  My husband died a month after he turned 59. 

I know I am suppose to be chipper, but it is now the third Christmas and New Years I am alone, which I think will remain

forever.   Maybe it is just the holidays that have me really missing him and wondering why I am the one left, since he was the

healthy one.  Tess, everyone seems so happy in the holiday s on social media it is sickening!

For me I love working with animals as my occupation and  coming home to my pets has been my salvation-also my good friends.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and our spouses would still be with us. My wish for 2019 is for some peace to come to us all.

Hi Riley - I can relate. Your comments of getting out less and not caring about eating ring well with me. I live in Ohio and so those dreary rainy cold days don’t help things at all. I also wonder what’s the point. I do take time to be with my grandkids - I am lucky because they live so close. But they need to be with their mom and dad more than their grandpa anyway. Christmas was tough for me. Lots of crying - more so than normal - whatever normal is these days. I have concluded that this is how life will be from now on, and so I just go day to day. I still sit in my wife’s rocking chair and talk to her every day. I made her this promise and am sticking to it. But I also wish for some type of validation - that she can still hear me and misses me. Life for me has changed forever - wish it were not so. Take care - miket

Hey Riley.  I feel a lot like you do.  I think part of it is winter blues (mostly shorter daylight hours for me since I live in a warm climate) but mostly I feel that our "life"  just plain sucks right now.   We can be all intellectual and count all the blessings and "growth"  that this devastating loss of our beloved has created but honestly we still are in pain with a hole in our chest!  

Things are improving and I have no doubt that they will continue to improve.   It is just weird....trying to rediscover yourself @ 59.  Guess we do what we can to get by and hope for an early Spring!

Just wanted you to know that I could empathize with your post and thank you for writing it!  

I am so glad I opened this up and read it.  I could swear it was me talking.  It will be 3 years February 24 that his life ended suddenly and in so many ways mine did too.  I had no idea that after 3 years I would feel, in many ways, worse.  I think the shock wears off and that is followed by day to day surviving and now 3 years just gives me an indication of the long road we are all on.  My friends are wonderful and good listeners but they don't know what to do for me anymore.  They are all happily married.  I'm living alone for the first time in my life.  I am 59.  My husband died at 58.  My sons are grown. They are wonderful young men but I think sons don't check in as often as a daughter may.  I try everything I can think of to propel myself forward but it often feels pointless.  God, how depressing I'm becoming.  Just wanted to say that I'm in this boat with you Riley and I suspect many others are as well.  Let's try to keep afloat.❤️

Diva and Going on Slowly,  Thank you for responding.  I am also 59. It hurts bad to think of all the years I have left or I'm assuming I have left.  I'm really not sure I care about that anymore.  I'm not afraid of death anymore.  If my husband can do it so can I. I'm adjusting to this life I've been given,  or rather tolerating it.  I don't get excited about anything anymore.  I'm sorry I just don't!  I can't help it.  I plan stuff for me to do and I just go through it, horse shows, tennis matches, shopping, babysitting my grandchildren, yard work  etc.  I love all those things , but if I'm honest I'm just trying to survive.  As Diva said, it looks good from the outside looking in. And a lot of people think I'm doing just fine or they don't have the time to even wonder about me anymore.  And I understand, my friends and my daughters have husbands and kids and grandkids.  Their lives are busy like mine used to be.  I get it.  I'm almost 3 years out from Mike's death.  This loss is monumental in size and depth for me.  He was my everything and he was everything every woman wants in a husband and father for their children.  I married him when I was 18.  It's the biggest loss I'll probably ever experience.  It's a mountain of grief I'll climb the rest of my life.  Some of my friends want to fix me up with someone.  I've thought a lot about that and I guess I can't help but think it.  And what I've come to realize is that THIS IS COMPLICATED !  There are so many things to consider for god's sake.  I'm not ready for that and I may never be ready for that.  I think dating would bring more hurt into my life and I don't think I can handle that right now. Getting back to how I feel now, I don't think its worse , but I think I'm numb.  I feel like I'm going though the motions of life like a damn Zombie.  Moving from day to night over and over again .  I love sleeping because it's pain relief and sometimes I have the most wonderful dreams about my husband.  I'm trying to learn to be alone and not be miserable .  I'm trying to become more confident about being alone.  I had the most amazing love affair with my husband and sometimes I think that is enough.  Maybe now I need to find out who I am apart from my husband.  I guess I have to, don't I?  

One thing I will mention to try is the Camp Widow weekend held in 3 places every year.  Tampa Florida, San Diego and Toronto. It is affiliated with this website and you can find information here too.  I attended the one in Toronto in Novembe2017 and it is wonderful.  It's 2 1/2 days of workshops run by widows for widow(ers).  And, believe it or not, there is a lot of laughing.  You are surrounded by people who "get you".  

Riley, you hit the nail on the head with your terminology, especially the tolerance. That's about how I feel. I go through the motions devoid of geniune joy, wondering if I'll ever feel that again. Life being complicated seems like an understatement. I so want to be in love again, to have someone care if and when I get home, to kiss me goodnight and to love me unconditionally like my husband. That is just not very likely to happen. Then there is the issue of the old baggage we both would tote along with the feeling like I would be betraying my husband.

I am so glad that you have your husband visit you in your dreams. My husband rarely does and it is very veiled when he does. He is not really there in full form or speaking. As far as finding out who you are without your husband, I can totally relate. I went into therapy, not due to my grief, but to work out who the heck I am now.

Diva, I read that "We Wear the Mask" poem. So beautiful and so sad, but true. Thank you for pointing it out.

Hugs

Except for the parts about the animals, tennis  and your age (I'm 71) this could have been me writing this. EVERYTHING else is exactly how I feel. I wake up each morning wondering why am I still here. My daughter did get me out of the house this week. She took me to see Hamilton and for a few hours I felt like a human being. But the moment I got back home the realization that my dear husband was no longer with me hit me and I've been on a downward spiral ever since. There is a poem titled 'We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar. That poem has taken on a whole new meaning for me personally. On the outside I know it looks like I'm moving on with my life and sometimes I have felt that was true....but then there are the long nights and the endless days and I know I am just biding time. I hope that things have gotten better for you since you posted this message. I pray that one day I'll have a more positive message to report. Until then, take care.

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine what it will be like for me when my time comes. I hope and pray that my wife will be the first one to greet me. I keep telling her that I have a huge hug saved up just for her. When she was alive it was so wonderful just to hold her in my arms and feel her care and love. I miss her so much. I also try to imagine how the people still here will react when I go. I don’t want to hurt anybody and I love my kids and grandkids very much. But as you all are saying, life seems just like a continuous, boring drumbeat now. I have no desire to meet anyone new - nothing can compare to what I had. No spark left - only the wish to be back with her again.

 I don't know if its my age or what. I just know that I am looking forward to being reunited with my husband. I hope that doesn't sound morbid because that's not my intentions. Like you I love my kids and grandchildren and I do believe they would be sad to see me go. But I also believe that they would be ok just as I was when my parents and grandparents passed away. I adored them and they felt the same about me. But I was able to move on. I had my husband to help me through my grief. I had him to hold me and to sit up with me in the wee hours of the night telling me I would be alright. There is something so different about the loss of a spouse. I guess you really do become one so when one of you is no longer there it's like half of you is missing. I went for a short ride today and it felt so different. We had so much fun just being in the car together. My youngest son and his family live about an hour away. We used to take the long way to his house so for us it was an extra 45 minutes to an hour. But we didn't care. we loved looking at the old houses and pointing out the different architectural features. My husband loved bringing up the old tales about certain towns and which towns were havens for gangsters in the 1930s and 40s. My kids thought we were crazy. They couldn't imagine anyone taking the same trip over and over and still being able to find something to talk about. So, the realization that those drives and those moments are over can be very heartbreaking. Everyone used to comment on how much I laughed and how much fun I was to be around. I realize now that he made me laugh and he was the reason I could smile. Even when we got angry with one another we'd try not to make eye contact because usually that would cause one of us to break out in a smile and who wants to spoil a perfectly good argument with a smile. I come to this site because if I said the above to any of my family or friends they would just pat me on the back and refer me to a scripture. Here, I know someone else understands that I'm not just overreacting or crazy. Thank you and God bless.

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