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Hi everyone,  I'm just sitting here in my living room staring at the walls.  I do that a lot.  I guess I'm just sometimes still so dumbfounded .  I still have a hard time excepting that this is my life now.  I daydream about waking up from a nights sleep and it was all just a nightmare, and he's here or at work. I torture myself by doing that, but can't help it.   Some things are improving and some things just are not.  I watch way too much TV, but I don't know what else to do with my self.  I do play tennis and ride my horses, but that is only small sections of the day.  I joined a gym, so now I can go there on some of these rainy days or boring evenings.  Winter doesn't help !  No yard to mow and it gets dark early so can't hang outside with my dog and throw the frizz bee or something like that. Time just feels so so so long now that he's gone.  Eating has become just a chore.  I don't even care what I eat anymore, its just something to get over with .  I sleep as late as possible now because what's the point? He's not here. No one is here.  The later I sleep the less hours dealing with pain.  I know its stupid because then I can't sleep at night.  I don't want to go anywhere with our old friends anymore.  It's ridiculous me sitting there ALONE with everyone else.  The reality is NOTHING is the same, NEVER will be the same.  Sometimes I get angry, at who, I don't know.  I'm pissed because I'm 59 years old and alone .  I don't know what the freak I'm going to do with the rest of my life.  NO answer or idea I come up with is very appealing.  I don't get excited about anything anymore.  OMG I miss looking forward to stuff, being excited, being content, being comfortable, being joyful.  I better quit , I'm making myself really upset now. 

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Replies to This Discussion

Diva, I so so feel where you're coming from.  Yes that's why we're on this site.  We can say how we really feel and no one will freak out or no one will say whatever words of wisdom  that everyone says.  Mike and I loved going to cities in the south and learning about the history.  We loved going to Charleston and Savannah.  Losing a spouse is like no other loss I think.  I lost my mother when I was 30.  Mike was there to help me through it, but who is here to help me through the lost of Mike, no one!  In fairness to all my friends and daughters , no one can help me with this.  I have to persevere through this storm on my own, sadly.  I'm trying really hard, because I known my husband, Mike, would want me to stay strong for our daughters and grandchildren .  And of course, LOL , I'm taking care of his weener dogs! Ha!  

I understand everything you're saying and feeling.  I too have no real desire to meet anyone.  Mike, my husband, and I literally eloped in 1978 , and from there began this wonderful amazing love affair.  I think I might be able to live off that for the rest of my life, plus my wonderful daughters and grandchildren.  I have 2 boys and one on the way!!!  We're all hoping for a girl LOL  

Riley - You are right. I feel safe and understood on this website. Like you, I can’t really talk to my kids and friends anymore about my wife. They have moved on and don’t understand why my grief persists after two years. I still give my wife an anniversary card and birthday card every year. I fill it out and seal it up, and then on that special day I open it up and read it to her. The last one I gave her started out ... “I Love The Story of Us”. I have also concluded that when I talk to her every day I will cry - for her - and I am ok with that. I make sure I sit in her favorite rocking chair when I talk - somehow I think she will hear me better from there. Crazy, huh?

Miket, I still have all my husbands clothes in his closet and all his personal items on his side of the master bathroom.  All his tools in the basement are still there where he wants them.  He worked from home , in his office is all his files and papers.  I love looking at his handwriting.  I still try to live my life the way he would be proud of me. I tell him I love him every night .  I still have all the love letters we wrote to each other before we eloped.  I'm reading his to me  again for a third time, cherishing every word.  

So I have never told anyone this before - not even my kids know. Before I met my wife I was on a quiet vacation. In the summer. On a lake. In a boat. Peaceful. Alone.  And I prayed to my grandfather who had passed away a few years earlier to help me find the right person for me in my life. Now, my heritage is Polish, and in Polish we say dziadzia (jaja) for grandfather. Only a few weeks later I met my wife. Beautiful smile, sparkling eyes. I wondered if she was the one. When she told me her last name I was shocked - it was dziadziak. Too much to be a coincidence. A message from heaven. And right then I knew she was my soul mate. Forty five years later I still remember my request, and how my grandfather helped answer it. This is how I know she was the one for me - how there can be no other - and why I trust I will see her again in heaven. As much as I miss her every day I know that something special happened to me. I have said it before and will say it again - even though she is not here with me right now, I still am head over heels in love with her and I fall more and more in love with her every day. I just wanted to share this ...


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