One of the things I am struggling with ... is how is my wife right now? Is she ok? Is she lonely? I hope she is not suffering anymore? Does she know how much I love her and miss her? Does she know it has been two years now?
I wish that I could get some validation, knowing she is doing well and is happy. She does not visit me very often, and I want so much to hear from her again.
I never expected our lives to turn out the way they did. And I struggle every day, just wanting to be with her. I would give anything to hear her voice again.
But validation is not something that goes with this assignment. The best I can do is hold and keep her memory alive, and trust that I will be with her again.
So, no validation yet - but not expected either. I have been dreading today for a few weeks now. On Fridays in Lent my wife and I would attend Stations of the Cross together. Truth be told, Jesus and God were secondary for me during this service. The opportunity to be with my wife was always my top priority. Well, here it came again this year. The wounds from her passing feel like all of the scabs have been ripped away once more. I just sat there thinking about her and trying to imagine her sitting beside me. It was like this the last two years as well. But I am going to attend every week, as much as my heart is breaking - because these were special moments she and I shared together. I want to keep sharing them in spirit with her now, and then again when we are both together in spirit ...