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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 261
Latest Activity: Jul 26

Discussion Forum

UNBELIEVABLE

Started by Austin. Last reply by Austin Jul 26. 2 Replies

HiI just hit the 2 year mark for my husband--so very hard.I spent a lot of time in the house behind me and out in the yard with the 2 very good gardeners.I really thought we were all friends- so very…Continue

Sole responsibility for your own life and happiness

Started by Tess. Last reply by Tess Jul 4. 8 Replies

I know this many seem an odd discussion, as we are essentially always responsible for our own lives, but it seems to take on a new twist after losing one's spouse. When you share your life with…Continue

The Process

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 29. 2 Replies

I have given more thought to the process my wife and I always went through on decision making - for things small and large.One of the couple has a thought or an idea ... going to a movie, moving,…Continue

Another Trigger

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 16. 7 Replies

I had to write - my wife’s birthday is in a few days and the thought of her not being here rips at my heart. I constantly revisit in my mind her last weeks and days. I have regrets that I could have…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by wyzkyd on October 27, 2016 at 4:10am

Country Girl . . . the roller coaster, the 3 steps forward and 2 back is normal.  Be forgiving of yourself.  I think the idea of volunteering would be great.  I know that the many folks who volunteer at our school comment that it gives them much more than what they give.  Maybe it would help fulfill a basic need of being needed for you. Know that you are not alone . . . 

Comment by country girl on October 26, 2016 at 8:05pm

Hi everyone . Its been a bad day for me all the way around,  Was so lucky to get our great grandson for 4 days. I had to take him home today. I'm 3 months in today. I've read many posts today about the journey we are all on. I seem to be going backward instead of forward. Just when I think I have turned the corner of this nigtmare I get sucked back into numbess and tears.  I'm sure having to take little man home played a big part to do with some of it. Mark good luck with your party. You always seem to encourage pushing forward.  Our children are grown and moved away. The quietness sometimes is too much. Coming home to a empty house after 44 years gets harder everyday. I am thinking about returning to the work force or volunteer work. I left my job 5 years ago to care for my husband . Does it ever get better?  easier? 

Comment by Nieta on October 26, 2016 at 6:20pm

Hi Sappho,

Your phrase, "I am living life for both of us now..." struck a chord with me, as when I raised funds for The American Heart Association after my husband crossed over, I wrote, "My heart beats for two these days..." in my websites message, and I meant it.  Our bodies may have an expiration date but it is my belief that there is a part of us that can never die and that part of my husband now resides within me.  I take liberty in a lyric from an old song by changing one word..."He ain't heavy, he's my husband!"

I'm glad you are taking time for yourself by taking a trip to Thailand.  And, your plans to teach in Cambodia are both inspirational and admirable. 

I am sorry about the situation with your husband's pension and life insurance - it's awful and simply not fair.  However, your perseverance and philosophy despite those odds are truly amazing.

Wishing you a wonderful time on your trip and continued courage and strength on your journey!

Comment by lowrsr (Sherry) on October 26, 2016 at 6:16pm

Thank you for your thoughts, Graced Teacher. May your roller coaster ride be smooth...

Comment by Graced Teacher on October 26, 2016 at 4:59pm

I have lurked for quite a while and appreciate so much what so many of you have said throughout the 5 months that it has been for me.  I think I have only posted once or twice.  I have read the comments about life insurance and wills.  I too had the same feelings when I received life insurance proceeds etc. however I soon realized that my late wife (Mark, like you I almost put wife and still refer to "our" and "us" regularly) would have wanted me and our 7 year old son to be as happy as possible.  I could tell so many stories but it hit me while I was crying that she was not getting to enjoy this and we were benefitting that she would be so happy for us, so anytime that guilt starts to creep in I just switch roles and think about how much I would have wanted her to enjoy everything I could have left her.  My only desire would have been for she and my son to enjoy life as much as possible and  to move forward with their lives.  I have spoken to a number of our friends as well as her friends and we all agree that if she were able to communicate with us that would be her message, go enjoy life, that she is doing just great where she is. 

In the realm of making wills etc. I have to tell you that the night after I told my 7 year old son that mommy went to heaven to be with Jesus he asked me if they still had orphanages and if something happened to me is that where he would go.  It broke my heart.  I told him daddy had already set things up with a will that his Aunt would come and move into the house to take care of him.  That seemed to make him feel so much better.  

Like we all say, this is not a path any of us would choose and everyone grieves in their own way.  It has been such a help to read so many of your posts over the last 5 months.  I cannot tell you how many times I have read something and thought " wow, I am not the only one."  I will say that after 5 months the tears still fall but like I told a friend the other day, it is like a roller coaster ride and the lows are not as low and they do not last as long as they did for the first few months.  

May God bless each of you as you continue down your journey.  I pray that you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  I know that many of you have given me that comfort when I have read your posts.

Comment by MarkD on October 26, 2016 at 2:47pm

Louise-Marie, I am similar speaking in front of a large group. It is even harder when it is last minute...But you presented to the group and that in and of itself is a win.

Amy, Your relationship with the faculty is grand. Family is built in so many different ways and with so many different people.

Blessings, Peace and Hope for all of us... Mark

Comment by daringtoday on October 26, 2016 at 2:00pm

Mark, that is so beautiful. I had a similar moment in April, I think. A little background: I teach a class at a local university where I graduated from 30+ years ago. I had the opportunity to come back here and teach 2 years ago and decided to move back to South Carolina. This school meant so much to me as an undergraduate and it has been so meaningful for me to be able to contribute even on a limited basis (teaching 1 class a year as an adjunct professor). A friend of mine who is part of the faculty development department, was talking to me in the parking lot and when I was telling him how supportive people were of my situation (the bereavement), he said, "Amy, we're your family." I was so touched and realized it was the truth. Subsequently, I've become more involved through a consulting projected connected to a large initiative here and it also looks like I'll be teaching more often. These moments are really uplifting and help counteract some of the sense of isolation that grief brings. Amy

Comment by Mo on October 26, 2016 at 1:51pm

Intense morning at work today; a large group of people toured the facility where I work. I was asked at the very last minute to summarize some of the work I do in front of everyone. I'm fine speaking and explaining when talking to small groups, but get terribly nervous in front of large groups! Today was no exception. I used to rely on Guy so much to debrief from these difficult experiences. Feeling a bit vulnerable and lonely at the moment.

Mark, so sweet that your co-workers ask you how you are, and also that they told you that they care about you! So genuine, and that always feels uplifting.

Comment by MarkD on October 26, 2016 at 11:40am

Hello Sherry, I am four months out and I cry everyday also, not as much as earlier, but it is an everyday occurrence (sometimes I think that it is cleansing). There are times when the veil lifts, but it does descend again. Our children (see I still say our, and probably will forever... and that is okay), well they are grown and out of the house, so there is a different dynamic at home. At times, at home, the silence is deafening.

I do push myself to be social with folks so that I am not isolated. Dinner and dancing this weekend, which is fun, but I miss my favorite dance partner and I will miss her when I am on the dance floor (I guess that is the good and the bad news). 

The folks on this site have been a godsend for me. Lots of support and lots of blessings

Now for a quick positive story... I work for a manufacturing company, (Info Systems support). I was out on the manufacturing floor earlier this week. One of the operators called me over and asked me how I was doing. I told Monica that some days are okay, some are less okay and some are very less okay (I try not to hide anything and my coworkers know this). Well Monica then told me, "Mark, you know that we all love you". After our conversation, I went on about my tasks. I went back to Monica and I thanked her for what she said. We are given the things that we need, when we need them.There are positive things that happen during this journey, and this is a good thing

Blessings, Peace, Hope and Healing for all of us today… Mark

Comment by moonstone on October 26, 2016 at 11:29am

I found a support group near me called "Single Again."  I've suffered the end of three relationships in five years, but my guy's death rocked me to the core.  I was the only one who was widowed.  We did some exercises that I thought I couldn't participate in, but i got a lot out of it.  I was worried I'd cry, but I needed not be worried, lots of people cried.  That part was hard, then we broke out into groups, and that was interesting.  Then we went to happy hour, and that was fun.  I'm nowhere near ready to "date" but it was fun to get out.

 

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