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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 261
Latest Activity: Jul 26

Discussion Forum

UNBELIEVABLE

Started by Austin. Last reply by Austin Jul 26. 2 Replies

HiI just hit the 2 year mark for my husband--so very hard.I spent a lot of time in the house behind me and out in the yard with the 2 very good gardeners.I really thought we were all friends- so very…Continue

Sole responsibility for your own life and happiness

Started by Tess. Last reply by Tess Jul 4. 8 Replies

I know this many seem an odd discussion, as we are essentially always responsible for our own lives, but it seems to take on a new twist after losing one's spouse. When you share your life with…Continue

The Process

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 29. 2 Replies

I have given more thought to the process my wife and I always went through on decision making - for things small and large.One of the couple has a thought or an idea ... going to a movie, moving,…Continue

Another Trigger

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 16. 7 Replies

I had to write - my wife’s birthday is in a few days and the thought of her not being here rips at my heart. I constantly revisit in my mind her last weeks and days. I have regrets that I could have…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by BetsyBlythe on October 26, 2016 at 8:31am

I'm 43 and was widowed 3 months ago when my husband suddenly died of a brain aneurysm at 43. We were together for 21 years. I think I'm finally starting to come out of the shock of it all, but overall I think I've been trying to continue to live and honor the person he made become over the years. So many firsts over the past few months... I have a really good therapist (thank goodness!) and am finally ready to join a local young widow and widowers social group so I can be around some people who understand what this is like. 

Comment by daringtoday on October 26, 2016 at 8:00am

Wyzkyd, I have also always had very high expectations for myself. I have learned in the 7+ months since Loren died that grieving doesn't cooperate with those expectations. I hit a period of really high fatigue between two and seven months, which might be resolving itself. During that period, it really didn't matter what was on my agenda, my body need to heal through rest and that was going to happen whether I cooperated or not. Fortunately, I realized that I had to go along with the process because it would happen with or without my permission. It was so much easier to be gentle with myself than beat myself up for what I needed to do. I believe our bodies are always telling us what we really need to do, it is just that we don't want to listen because we have other plans. In this type of deep healing that is needed after sudden bereavement, we need to follow what our bodies need if we are to heal in the most healthy possible. I know it isn't easy to get rest and take care of yourself with active kids and a busy career; I would encourage you to do as much as you can to take care of yourself. 

Alexandra, so glad to hear you are feeling better! That dark place is so hard because so much despair and hopelessness are there and it is so difficult to know when/if that is going to lift. I'm feeling better too, I have had several of the best days that I';ve had since before Loren died and it is encouraging because I know where there are one or two good days, there will be more as time goes on. I feel like I'm successfully integrating my life as I need to live it while carrying Loren always in my heart. The boundaries are easier to cross now and I'm more confident that I can pull it off.

Mark, good luck with your dinner party! I really admire all you are doing to keep yourself in (literally) the swing of things socially. I haven't been able to do that but am hopeful it will come back as I continue to heal. I'm finding more solace in my community on the campus where I teach and consult (and where I went to school myself) and with my faith community. 

Hugs to all! Amy

Comment by MarkD on October 26, 2016 at 7:46am

Hello Mo, Great to hear from you... I am almost 4 months out and I still feel beaten up.... I am looking forward to the days when I am not so numb. Amy's birthday is coming up next month so I imagine that will be a bit of a tailspin. 

I am keeping active (work and social) or trying to. I have invited 14 - 16 folks over for dinner on Saturday (I'm cooking), and then a group will go out dancing. When I am out I have a great time. I usually crash afterwards. I think that it is because it is even more evident of how much I have lost.

Blessings, Peace, Hope and Healing..... Mark

Comment by Mo on October 26, 2016 at 7:28am

Hi wyzkyd and everyone, when Guy died -(almost 5 months ago - hard to believe) I was numb for about 3 months; I appeared fine, but truly hardly remember any of it. I'm not so numb anymore, what would have been our 26th anniversary turned out to be a fairly pleasant day, but not the several days afterwards where I felt catatonic. I had to pull out of that for work presentations and meetings. Caring for Guy the last few months was so intense, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I share the sentiment expressed by others; Guy would like me to continue to travel and enjoy life. Just wish it was with him.

Comment by Alexandra on October 26, 2016 at 6:49am

Hi Sappho, (and MarkD). when my husband first died (April 30th), I really struggled with that idea. But I am so relieved to say that I think I am coming out of the terrible dark place that I inhabited for a few months. We were travelers too, and all our married life, we were always so interested in the world, nature specifically. Although Dave was a serious classical music buff and whatever our conveyance (sailboat or rv), it was filled with music. I have so many places I still want to see - my dear Dave had traveled the world before we met and married so he had "seen it all" but I haven't. He would be so glad that I continued living - I think I've said it here before, he would EXPECT me to keep living a full life. I want to live up to his expectations for me. Sometimes it is hard, I also have lost a serious portion of my income, although at 73, I don't want to have to work. My children have been a godsend, as they say "paying me back for my investment in them all these years" so they help fill in the income. I also cared for Dave for a few years and then seriously the last 6 months. It was my honor and pleasure to shower care and love on him and I miss him so much. I sometimes feel I lived a dream, a wonderful dream for 23 years and now I've woken and the world is dimmer. i hope I get over that as time goes by and I have the travel experiences that we both wanted.

Comment by sappho on October 26, 2016 at 6:05am

Thank you so much for your comment MarkD.

Comment by MarkD on October 26, 2016 at 6:01am

Hello Sappho,

I feel the same as you. Life is precious and should never be taken for granted. It can slip away at any point. I am glad that you are at a good spot. Safe travels on your holiday and for your new adventure teaching in Cambodia. It sounds very exciting.

Blessings, Peace, Hope and Godspeed for you..... Mark

Comment by Soccermom on October 26, 2016 at 5:44am

Sherry - what I did for the first couple of months was handwrite a will designating who would take my kids if something happened to me.  I wrote down any info on bank accounts/log-ins, any info that someone would need and put it all in a folder.  It's still a pain but it will make you a little more in control.

Comment by Soccermom on October 26, 2016 at 5:39am

Wyzkyd - I too receive SS benefits for my kids (thankfully!) and I had a support group of dance moms and soccer moms who put together meal trains for us for almost 4 months and also started a Go Fund Me for my kids.  My high school friends (many of whom I hadn't seen in years) came out in full force.  I felt very supported in such an unsupportive situation.  Now that I'm a few months out, I try to help those who are still in the dark days when I can.

Comment by sappho on October 26, 2016 at 5:38am

I am  sixty one and lost my husband four months ago. I realise now just how precious life is and that I am lucky to be alive every single morning that I wake up. I had a dream that I should feel this way and not feel that I had died with him. I am living for both of us now and enjoying life as we both did. I am about to go to Thailand for a month to relax and unwind as I cared for him for ten months when he was terribly ill. We used to live there and the people are wonderful. After that I plan to go to teach at the University in Cambodia as I no longer have a good income. I only have a very small widows pension for a year after he died. The law was changed in the UK and you are no longer entitled to your partners military pension. I will be working till my seventies or later..... I live in Greece and  they would not give him life insurance because of the diagnosis.

 

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