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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 261
Latest Activity: Jul 26

Discussion Forum

UNBELIEVABLE

Started by Austin. Last reply by Austin Jul 26. 2 Replies

HiI just hit the 2 year mark for my husband--so very hard.I spent a lot of time in the house behind me and out in the yard with the 2 very good gardeners.I really thought we were all friends- so very…Continue

Sole responsibility for your own life and happiness

Started by Tess. Last reply by Tess Jul 4. 8 Replies

I know this many seem an odd discussion, as we are essentially always responsible for our own lives, but it seems to take on a new twist after losing one's spouse. When you share your life with…Continue

The Process

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 29. 2 Replies

I have given more thought to the process my wife and I always went through on decision making - for things small and large.One of the couple has a thought or an idea ... going to a movie, moving,…Continue

Another Trigger

Started by Miket. Last reply by LostandSad Jun 16. 7 Replies

I had to write - my wife’s birthday is in a few days and the thought of her not being here rips at my heart. I constantly revisit in my mind her last weeks and days. I have regrets that I could have…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Nance63 on November 14, 2016 at 8:43pm
My poor son, 19, spent this evening with the family of his best friend in the hospital as they face possibly losing their husband and father, with some extended family issues thrown in for good measure, as we had, too. So sad to see these friends both losing their dads too young. My son is rattled and distraught.
Comment by Austin on November 14, 2016 at 8:05pm

Hi country girl

You are not the only one having worse grief.  I am just hitting the 4th month on the 16th. I have meltdowns and my crying sometimes seems like there is no end in sight.  I kept thinking maybe if I could get away for a few days, but then I can't do it because I know all I will do is think about the last trip with my husband in Feb.    I try to find one or two pleasant things that occurred through the day and be thankful for that--my grief counselor told me to find one thing a day I could get some enjoyment out of?  Today it was someone who gave me a box of these delicious pumpkin bites (miniature muffins).

I don't understand these bosses that treat employees bad when they have ill spouses or a one who has passed. 

Sorry you had to deal with that too country girl--love your name!

Comment by country girl on November 14, 2016 at 7:28pm

Hello everyone. IV been gone a few days. Didn't do much good to get away though. Maybe I didn't get far enough away.With the upcoming holiday I am not doing so well. I'm not 4 months in yet. I have decided to gave our Thanksgiving on the Saturday after . Not until I got back dud I realize that will be the 26th the 4 month anniversary of Pauls death. I don't think I will ever beable to pull this if now. Does it ever start to be normal .  I know for us there will never be really normal again. My grief is becoming worse.  I haven't made it through 1 single day in the past week without falling back to where this all started. I cry uncontorlably for hours. I feel like I am the only one still having these break downs. I keepmtelling myself get through the firsts and I will be ok. I don't believe i will ever be ok again.wyzkyd I feel for you. When I left my job if many years to stay home and care for my husband, my boss pretty much told me nit to get the door hit me in the butt on my way out. I was senior employee and managed 2 of their stores. But it gave me precious time with Paul.  

Peace be with all of you.  

Comment by Austin on November 14, 2016 at 4:21pm

Wyzkyd,

Your boss sounds way out of line to me.  I like Alex s idea of using FMLA--that is neat if that is available to you.

Crisis after crisis I know personally is exhausting and emotionally draining especially when it has been only 4 months since Ryan died.  I understand for I am at 4 months too.

Because you are experiencing crisis after crisis it is not your fault and you definitely did not ask for any this.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a few days till things calm down a little before you make any major decisions.  I think you should pat yourself on the back for getting your daughter to the dentist, dog to emergency vet, estate and all this time you are grieving your husband. 

I hope and pray tomorrow is a kinder and better day for you.

Austin(Diane)

Comment by Nance63 on November 14, 2016 at 11:03am

I want to chime in my agreement with everyone else's, wyzkyd.  And I think Alex's suggestion of using FMLA is a good one.  I am just over five months after my husband's death. I am finding it to be harder NOW than it was in the first couple of months. I was routinely doing what needed to be done then, but now, obstacles and difficulties are ramping up and my energy and motivation are at new lows. Just when we might be expected to be coming around to normalcy, I think we're hitting a normal, but misunderstood, wall.  I hope you can find a way to let up on yourself and offer no acquiescence to the blame your supervisor is suggesting is yours.

Comment by daringtoday on November 14, 2016 at 10:13am

Wyzkyd, I agree with everyone else who has posted that your boss is way out of line. I would reconsider your idea of her as "very supportive" because what you have shared here is that she is, in fact, NOT supportive of your needs. She is supportive of her needs. You don't owe her any explanations. Schedule some time off that fits your schedule. Or, as Alex suggested, make use of Family and Medical Leave. There is a period of bereavement where we get exhausted and really depressed and just have little energy. You need to take time off to take of the needs of your family and there is nothing wrong with that. Hugs, Amy

Comment by barsoom (Alex) on November 14, 2016 at 9:57am

wyzkyd: your supervisor is way, way out of line. Take sick days, and super does need to know why. If your job requires a doctor's note, your therapist should be able to write you one.

You do not have to take Leave of Absence. You can do flexible FMLA. I am currently on FMLA, but I come in and work 2-3 days in the afternoon, after visiting Anora in hospital, and 2-3 days full-8-10 hours. My job is protected, I have some income coming in, but it gives me flexibility I need to take care of 3 kids.

Comment by camsmom on November 14, 2016 at 9:46am

wyzkyd,

Your supervisor is very insensitive. You just lost your spouse 4 months ago Is there someone that can help you with the dog , the dryer, etc so that you can try to focus on work? I hate to ask for help but when I have, friends and relatives have been there for me.

It is hard- some people just don't understand what you're going through. I wish that I could tell you not to feel guilty and don't be so hard on yourself.

Comment by Mo on November 14, 2016 at 8:41am

Hi wyzkyd, your boss is out of line. You have the right to take a personal day, or a sick day. You also do not need to tell her why. Considering how unsympathetic she is, the less she knows the better. Can you take time off next week?

I have a stressful job too, but find that the structure it provides helps me go on. good luck and sending you a hug.

Comment by wyzkyd on November 14, 2016 at 8:31am

It's been four months since Ryan died.  Some days I feel like I'm getting by and others are a struggle.  I came back to work the beginning of August, not quite a month after he died and was doing fine at work but now am struggling.  My supervisor was very supportive but today it didn't feel like it.  I haven't taken a day off yet.  A couple hours here and there to take my daughter to the dentist and open the estate but that's it.  Last night my husband's dog ended up with a puncture wound and I had to take him to the emergency vet.  I got home at 2am and was exhausted.  I texted her before I ever went to the vet saying I wasn't sure if I would be in.  I texted her updates and at 2 said I was home and not planning to come in.  At 6:15 she texted to say she really hoped I'd make it for part of the day as we had a lot to do to prepare for the visit from other principals across the state.  I felt guilty and ended up coming in.  I had to drop Max (the dog) at my vet on the way to work as he was still vomiting and sick from the anesthesia.  She came in my office and basically said my absence this morning impacted the functioning of the school.  When I said I needed a day to get things done she said that wasn't fair because things couldn't all get done in one day and I needed to schedule them out after school hours but I was the only one who could decide where I was with things.  Basically I feel even worse now and wonder if a leave of absence is the way to go but am worried about how to afford that as I wouldn't get paid.  Plus, my daughters are students at my school and I think it would be detrimental to them if I took an extended leave.

And maybe it's just hard today.  I don't know how I will feel tomorrow and that is hard.  I wonder if I should consider going back into the classroom instead of being an administrator but then wonder if that would be enough for me.  It is a very hard position to be in and I'm really struggling with what to do.  My supervisor commented that she felt like my life was one crisis after another right now - and it is - husband died, dryer broke, massive bathroom leak, emergency vet . . . but I haven't chosen any of those things.  Am I being a victim?  How do I pull out of this?  And how do I decide what I need to do?  I feel paralyzed right now.

 

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