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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 207
Latest Activity: 1 hour ago

Discussion Forum

I don't want this life

Started by Riley. Last reply by lowrsr (Sherry) 1 hour ago. 18 Replies

I'm new to Widowed Village.  My husband of 39 years died in July, 2016.  Even as I type this I still can't believe it.  He battled cancer 3 times, and his doctors wanted him to have a stem cell…Continue

Wedding Rings

Started by lowrsr (Sherry). Last reply by catapan 13 hours ago. 42 Replies

I am wondering about wedding rings. Are you wearing yours? What have you done with your spouse's ring? I am wearing my husband's ring on a chain around my neck. Ever since I put it there, I have…Continue

Dream visits?

Started by GrandmaH. Last reply by WV12345 20 hours ago. 9 Replies

Hi everyone,I have had several widowed friends tell me to expect a dream visit from my husband.  He died on November 3rd, 2016, so I'm 4 1/2 months into this never ending sadness.Have any of you…Continue

Our Loved Ones Birthday....

Started by spiritual dragonfly (Linda). Last reply by spiritual dragonfly (Linda) Mar 23. 8 Replies

Today is Jims 66th Birthday....he passed on October 14, 2016., so my journey right now is dealing with all the firsts. Was wondering how y'all have dealt with you loved ones birthdays? I wrote a poem…Continue

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Comment by catapan on Friday

I am breaking out.

Working with my therapist, we talked about my "Eleanor Rigby" notion, the face that I put on (for whom?    For me?)

I've printed out a headshot of me when I was happy and laughing (sitting with Stuart):  I've put it in a pretty preserving jar, labelled "The face that I keep in a jar by the door" and, on the lid "Who is it for?"     

The idea is to remind me that I do NOT have to put up a facade;  that people sincerely want to know how I am and how/if they can help.

And to help me consider:  who IS it for?    Am I protecting myself?    Protecting others from my reality?

I remember a book I had, years ago, as a student, by a guy called John Powell.   The title is "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" and the corollary inside is - "because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have . . . "

I'm re-ordering the book this week.

Comment by lowrsr (Sherry) on Friday

What a happy "coincidence" Catapan!

happylilycat - I hope Sunday was still a good Easter gathering. Sometimes the dread and anticipation is worse than the actual event. 

Some days I still don't know how I can go on. It still can be so hard. And every now and then, I find myself saying "I don't like it, but I think I am going to make it." I try to hang on to those times, but they are few and far in between.

Comment by Nieta on April 16, 2017 at 4:13am

How wonderful catapan!!!  Now that's what I call a major wink!!!

Comment by catapan on April 15, 2017 at 11:06pm

Nieta - and others who know about "winks" . . . 

We were wonderfully supported during Stuart's final months here by the extended family that is our Mountaineering Club;  and since Stuart's death, the support has continued for me, with a core group frequently present.

BUT - here we are, almost five months on;  and Shirley has left for her home in France, John and Glynis left last week for a climbing trip in Europe, Pam and Peter are returning slowly overland from a month's climbing in Spain and Roger and Sheila are now in New Zealand.

To cap it all Simon, one of Stuart's closest friends, who has been a restful, relaxing and quietly comforting supporter for me . . . has faded away.    I've been increasingly missing his reassuring normality over the past few weeks.

Finally, just two days ago, I "got Stuart on the line" and asked him to send Simon.    "Don't just drop vague hints into his subconscious - please tell him that since you can't do it yourself, you want him to come to see me, on your behalf."

Some of you will not be surprised at this next bit.

Early yesterday morning, the phone rang;   Simon.    Checking I was awake, even if not yet dressed.    Where was he?

"Parked in your drive!"

THANK YOU, STUART.

Comment by happylilycat on April 15, 2017 at 3:57am

Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.  I love seeing the colorful tulips in all the stores, they remind me of the days when my Dad would bring home tulips for my mother my sister and me for Easter. Happy memories. I'm invited to a family dinner tomorrow, and right now I just cannot paste a smile on my face. I'm tired of pretending I'm OK when I'm not. Of course, there will be great consternation if I don't go, but I remember Morris' sage advice (he had a lot of that!) "the word 'no' is a complete sentence." I miss him so badly today, luckily I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. If it wasn't for my furbabies, I don't know how I would have made it through the last 14 months.

Comment by catapan on April 14, 2017 at 8:44am

Nieta - thank you for what you said about the "Wink";  I like to think it's so.

I am a second Eleanor Rigby -I wear a face that I keep in a jar by the door;  who is it for?

I bumped (literally) into Heather,  the mother of my plumber, at the supermarket, this afternoon.    She knows what I'm going through.    Their youngest son, who I'd had in my classes in school, where I was the British equivalent, I think, of an AP in your system, was killed in a car crash at age 20, just ten years ago this year..   He was a professional footballer (the English style of football) and had a great career ahead of him.    The car he was a passenger in crashed at a junction;  to this day, no-one knows the cause of this crash - Mike died, the driver escaped almost unhurt.

Anyway . . . Heather, of course, asked how I'm doing and I had to say "Please don't be nice to me - it breaks me up."    Standing by the Easter display in a supermarket on Good Friday is not the place to drip tears, though that is what I did.

There are some kind people in this world and we don't always know what their own suffering is.   

Comment by Nieta on April 10, 2017 at 2:34am

Dear Catapan,

This is something I would consider a "Wink" a.k.a. message to you from Stuart.  It is no accident that you came across it "now."

Comment by catapan on April 10, 2017 at 2:20am

Here I go - a bit long-winded again.

I was going through my box of treasures, and came across something Stuart wrote on the break- up of his previous long-term relationship.     So much of it reflects my situation now, so here is an edited extract.

"WELL LIVED

My guts ached where the fist was planted, firm and hard.

I ached at the thought of break up or break down,

At the thought that all that was, is no more, 

That yesterday and all the yesterdays  before it were for nothing.

And what of the future; 

Can I Live Well?

. . . . . .. .  . . . . . 

Real friends pointed me forward and I saw

That yesterdays were not in vain.

They were great times and what I am now is a product of them.

Without yesterday, maybe

I could not Live Well.

And so I joined with friends to live again,

To spend time amidst mountains and lakes, rocks and streams,

To allow spontaneity to dictate whether we walk or climb, eat or drink, talk or listen, think or - - - ?

And then, after really living, I can look back and say 

"WELL LIVED"

Thank you Nieta for the hug

Comment by Nieta on April 10, 2017 at 1:30am

Sending you a big virtual hug catapan.

Comment by catapan on April 10, 2017 at 12:05am

I'm sorry for everyone's pain;  I've no comfort to offer today.

It's a crying day.    In my head I've the notion that the world, including our friends, is asking and expecting too much of me - AND I CAN'T DO IT!    I would if I could, but not today I can't.    Stuart understood;  he knew I would do "it" when and if I could but no-one understands like he did.

 

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