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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 234
Latest Activity: Sep 4

Discussion Forum

Her Belongings

Started by soulmate. Last reply by PJC Sep 4. 7 Replies

I'm moving-lived her 25 years and can't bear to stay here alone. It's too big of a house for one person and all the memories. I've been going through so many "Things" I had forgotten belonged to her,…Continue

Any suggestions for ways forward please

Started by catapan. Last reply by Parsnip Sep 4. 10 Replies

- or am I just expecting too much right now?The mountaineering club I'm a member of is taking reservations for the annual weekend dinner event, to be held in an area away from here and I'm being…Continue

How are YOU changing?

Started by catapan. Last reply by BelovedPeach Aug 28. 10 Replies

I’ve changed;  nine months into my life without Stuart and I know I’m a different person.    I won’t say I’m less, or more confident or assertive, because I was always assertive and confident in what…Continue

Coping

Started by Miket. Last reply by WolfgalVal Aug 24. 18 Replies

It has been nine months now since I lost my wife. Every day is still a struggle. How to cope? I have been given advice to think about the good times. When I do, the emotion is crushing. And goodness,…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Alexandra on May 1, 2017 at 7:23am

Wow, Amy, what a terrible accident! Glad to hear you are taking it in stride and getting better day by day. And Allison, I am wishing you peace, which is often hard to find.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my precious husband's death. Sat. was the real day he died, and I spent the day allowing myself to grieve as much as needed, thinking only of the days leading to his death and my terrible sobbing as I felt his life leave him and his body cool. I'm just grateful I was there and carry no regrets except I wish I would have held him longer:) But Sunday, the calendar date, I spent that day remembering all the wonderful times and the years we had and his quirky smile and his "engineer/scientist" mind and how everything needed an explanation. He was SO smart he could figure anything out. There was so much love, I'm thinking that love will carry me for the rest of  my days. So today, I'm back on track, just trying to make it, alone, but with the knowledge that I was loved greatly and I, in turn, loved greatly. Not easy, but I'm still here and pressing on. Blessings to you all and I hope you know that this group literally saved my life:) Hugs to all, Alexandra

Comment by daringtoday on May 1, 2017 at 7:04am

Hi Allison, I can identify. I've been missing Loren so much over the past week or so -- lots of longing that isn't ever going to be fulfilled. 

I've had an interesting past couple of weeks. On Easter Sunday, I took an ill-advised hop down from a raised garden bed and broke my right leg in several places. I had surgery the next day to immobilize the fractures with plates and screws and came home that Wednesday from the hospital. I can't drive and am non-weight bearing for six more weeks. I'm actually doing okay, making progress every day and trying to be as patient as possible. 

One of the worst parts of the incident was that I had to go to the Emergency Room where Loren died 13 months ago. Fortunately, I didn't get put in the same pod where he died, but I hated being there. There were lots of memories and I was in a lot of pain before the surgery so it was tough. Fortunately, I got transferred to the hospital proper that evening so I got out of the ER. 

Wishing you peace, Allison! Hugs, Amy

Comment by happylilycat on May 1, 2017 at 6:07am

I've been listening to Deathcab for Cutie's "Soul Meets Body".   The line that resonates with me is "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."  Not a very inspiring thought for a rainy, gloomy Monday, but that's where I'm at. Wishing us all a little peace today, I could sure use some. 

Comment by Athena53 on April 26, 2017 at 6:04am

I'm making a second pot of coffee (I earned it) and saying a prayer of thanksgiving right now.

My master BR has a high ceiling that's even higher in the "tray" center- which, of course, is where the smoke detector was installed.  I knew it was gonna be a real mess to replace the battery when it died- which it did in the middle of last night, after I'd arrived home earlier from a trip to Central America.  Annoying "chirp" every 60 seconds.  So, I spent the night in the spare BR.

I have a heavy metal extension ladder that extends far higher than I ever want to climb- dragged it into the BR, extended it so high that I could walk under it, extricated the offending battery.  It still chirped- it's wired into the electrical system.  ;-(  I had to get a flashlight and climb back up to read the orange warning label- "Warning- battery has been removed".  Umm, really?  I couldn't figure out how to insert the new one so I had to drag the ladder downstairs where the ceilings are lower and check one out down there, then drag the ladder back up.  Finally, on the second try, got the battery installed.  (And yes, I DID test to make sure it was a fresh battery first!)

This is not one of those things DH could do- he'd stopped getting up on ladders years ago due to balance problems- but at least he would have been around to call 911 if I'd landed on the floor!  I'm not even sure if I would have wanted DS to try it- he lives 3 hours away but my main concern is that he's the breadwinner for a family of 4 and I don't know if I want HIM on high ladders, either.

All's well that ends well.  I hope that battery lasts a good long time.  I know there are handyman types who would do this for a price and I may have to resort to that as I get older. 

Comment by catapan on April 24, 2017 at 12:49am

I was just thinking, as I was in the shower, that I am going to be pretty good at pretending, today.   

So I said to myself "I am good at pretending, today";  and burst into tears.    Because I'm not.

Comment by catapan on April 21, 2017 at 12:48am

I am breaking out.

Working with my therapist, we talked about my "Eleanor Rigby" notion, the face that I put on (for whom?    For me?)

I've printed out a headshot of me when I was happy and laughing (sitting with Stuart):  I've put it in a pretty preserving jar, labelled "The face that I keep in a jar by the door" and, on the lid "Who is it for?"     

The idea is to remind me that I do NOT have to put up a facade;  that people sincerely want to know how I am and how/if they can help.

And to help me consider:  who IS it for?    Am I protecting myself?    Protecting others from my reality?

I remember a book I had, years ago, as a student, by a guy called John Powell.   The title is "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" and the corollary inside is - "because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have . . . "

I'm re-ordering the book this week.

Comment by lowrsr (Sherry) on April 20, 2017 at 6:06pm

What a happy "coincidence" Catapan!

happylilycat - I hope Sunday was still a good Easter gathering. Sometimes the dread and anticipation is worse than the actual event. 

Some days I still don't know how I can go on. It still can be so hard. And every now and then, I find myself saying "I don't like it, but I think I am going to make it." I try to hang on to those times, but they are few and far in between.

Comment by Nieta on April 16, 2017 at 4:13am

How wonderful catapan!!!  Now that's what I call a major wink!!!

Comment by catapan on April 15, 2017 at 11:06pm

Nieta - and others who know about "winks" . . . 

We were wonderfully supported during Stuart's final months here by the extended family that is our Mountaineering Club;  and since Stuart's death, the support has continued for me, with a core group frequently present.

BUT - here we are, almost five months on;  and Shirley has left for her home in France, John and Glynis left last week for a climbing trip in Europe, Pam and Peter are returning slowly overland from a month's climbing in Spain and Roger and Sheila are now in New Zealand.

To cap it all Simon, one of Stuart's closest friends, who has been a restful, relaxing and quietly comforting supporter for me . . . has faded away.    I've been increasingly missing his reassuring normality over the past few weeks.

Finally, just two days ago, I "got Stuart on the line" and asked him to send Simon.    "Don't just drop vague hints into his subconscious - please tell him that since you can't do it yourself, you want him to come to see me, on your behalf."

Some of you will not be surprised at this next bit.

Early yesterday morning, the phone rang;   Simon.    Checking I was awake, even if not yet dressed.    Where was he?

"Parked in your drive!"

THANK YOU, STUART.

Comment by happylilycat on April 15, 2017 at 3:57am

Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.  I love seeing the colorful tulips in all the stores, they remind me of the days when my Dad would bring home tulips for my mother my sister and me for Easter. Happy memories. I'm invited to a family dinner tomorrow, and right now I just cannot paste a smile on my face. I'm tired of pretending I'm OK when I'm not. Of course, there will be great consternation if I don't go, but I remember Morris' sage advice (he had a lot of that!) "the word 'no' is a complete sentence." I miss him so badly today, luckily I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. If it wasn't for my furbabies, I don't know how I would have made it through the last 14 months.

 

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