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And yet another week without my dear husband.  This makes six weeks since he passed. This is the worst time keeping ever. So unreal; such a time warp. I'm brought to tears when I have to say my name.  Just saying my last name brings the fact that I'm his widow right to front of my thoughts. I'm terrified to meet new clients.  To have the inevitable questions about what my husband does, or about my marital status.  You know the small talk that will now have me melt down. I have a hard time saying "I'm a widow". I have a hard time believing it still.

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1/21/17 every time I heard how many days the President has been in office I'm reminded how long Mark has been gone.  I'm not sure how long this will last but I have to go on.  I am so sorry for your loss.  When I hear other men at work talk about their anniversary plans or valentines plans I had a melt down.  I wish I had some words of encouragement but we can share our thoughts and feelings.  I don't want to stay home from work because I think about him and I go to work and I am reminded of him.  I pray for our healing and ability to go on for our children and family.

I am with you, VenusBlue.  I am in week 6 as well, day 46.  I was not much of a calendar watcher before this, but I am keeping time that way now, too.  It's surreal, this whole mess is surreal.  I find myself accepting it for a split second, and then spending the next few days in disbelief and howling denial.  I have not said the widow word out loud yet.  I am sorry that you are here, but you are in my prayers.  

The "whole mess is surreal" that is the perfect description.  They say there are 5 stages of grief : "Denial & Isolation", Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These stages don't happen in any particular order or amount of time.  I think I agree with that. I found I can end up in a stage for a day or two. I have also experienced all the  stages in about 90 seconds. There are times the stages multitask and I have two three stages at the same time.


 Sometimes I can function "ok" and there are other times I  find my self staring off into space and not being able to move ( like I weigh 5000 pounds).

The first few weeks after I lost Lori ( she was the beautiful most soul I ever met )   many days I would fill up the tank of the car point it a direction and drive till the needle was heading to E; I would fill it up again and reverse the route. I felt like was searching for something - but was in a fog and just couldn't find it. I drove so much I had the oil changed twice since January.

I am sorry for your loss and that anyone has a reason to be here. I pray that you are able, to someday,find peace and your pain eases.  

I prefer to think of it as a tornado - emotions swirling all around, and every second or minute or hour, some different feeling or horrible thought or wonderful memory gets thrown out.  And we have to deal with it, no matter what it is.  And yes, multitasking is a requirement.

I do a lot of staring too, and I find myself forgetting tasks in the middle of them.  I used to be a great driver and I loved to drive, but now I am kind of afraid to be on the road. 

Welcome, Soul.  I am so sorry that you have to be here, but like others will tell you, it's good that you found this place.  Read through and/or post in the forums.  Make a few friends and see if you can connect with them directly; that one-to-one support has really helped me.

I hope that you find a bit of peace each day.

I am glad you shared your thoughts of being kind of afraid to be on the road.  3 months prior to my husbands death he had a seizure and could no longer drive.  Prior to that we road motorcycles everywhere together.  Once he stopped, I stopped too.  No way I could start mine up, have him hear it, and not be able to ride his.  So I just didn't.  Since he died, my head has not been on right.  I can't pay attention to safely ride my bike now.  While I am sorry you are feeling afraid to be on the road, I thank you for sharing.  It touched me. 

My wife passed away July 3rd of this year. The weeks and months prior to her death, family and friends seems to fade away. Since my wife passed, I've actually seen friends at the store turn and try to get away before they make eye contact. As frustrating as the whole circumstance is I have to give them a pass. It is a difficult situation, no one ever has the right words. And honestly I don't have the patience to hear what most of them would have to say anyway.
The sympathetic looks or comments only bring the emotion to the Forefront. And I can do without that in public.
Realistically what can any of us do about it though? We can't change the facts of where we are and what we've gone through. I think we just have to learn how to deal with it. Find that inner strength to get past the Chit Chat.
One of my least favorite things to do is worry about said friends feelings. Trying to make them comfortable in my presence.
I don't remember the movie but I remember the actor saying"no matter where you go, there you are !". I guess we just need to improve our navigational skills.

Im 12 days out.  I think I stopped counting hours and minutes thankfully.  Days fly by especially with taking care of the kids but nights are sooooooo loooooong.  


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