Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I lost my darling husband of 26 years, Michael, on February 2, 2018. I can't stop crying. I'm upsetting my dog. I know there are a million things I have to do like cancelling insurance and credit cards but I can't seem to do anything. I need groceries but I don't want people to see me in this state. How do you get through these early days? 

Views: 142

Replies to This Discussion

Snow, its just 3 days, just keep crying leave all that other crap for later.  There are things you have to do but not right now. I would say forget about other people but thats easier said than done, but don't please put on a show for other people.  You are hurting very very bad and if others can't deal with that then they just have to leave.

Things will have to go ahead i.e the funeral but just rely on the people who deal with these things, they know what to do, they will know how you are feeling and will handle everything except for those special things you may want. 

Michael was in your life for over 26 years, 3 days, a week, 3 weeks of crying is not going to wash that away. I hope you have family and friends around you that can help, but if not accept help from any who offer.  You may be reluctant initially but things are going to be difficult over the next weeks and you could use that help to build up your own strength and defenses.

You have come to a good place for support and all on this site will be reaching out to you emotionally - we have all been there and know how frightening it is.

Best wishes, hugs and love to you.  Ray

keep crying doll.. you have to take it day by day thats what i did as for the credit cards when i was ready and i did call them they were understanding.. and for food hopefully someone will know that you need help and get you some food and things.. when i lost my hubby four months ago i took it day by day and i had people to help me get though and that helps.. but as for crying and all please let yourself cry doll...

Sorry to hear of your loss, Snow.  We all know the shock and despair that you are experiencing.  Please let others help you, be kind to yourself, and do not worry

how you look to others right now.  Let yourself cry when you need to.  There are companies online that deliver groceries in certain areas.  Wal-mart has a service where you can order fresh groceries online and pick up.  Perhaps you could find a friend or neighbor to pick up for you?

You are not alone.  We all feel for you.

Hugs,

Jennifer

Snow, I lost my Jerry on Dec 14th.  I'm so new I hardly feel qualified to offer advice.  I am so very sorry for your loss.

I can lend you my support and my ear.  I know just how you are feeling.  Most things can wait until you're feeling up to it.  Beleive it or not, you'll have moments of clarity and have the strength to get what needs to be done, done.  

I relied on my friends and family in those blurry days following Jerry's death.  Please let the people in your life know what you need.  Most people want to be helpful, let them.  Our little dog mourned right along with me.  She is now a constant source of comfort to me.  Finding this website has been invaluable to where I am today at just under 2 months "out" as they say.  Please keep coming, posting and reading.  You'll find hugs, support and understanding. You will get through this.  

Please come by the chat room if you need real-time support.   The evenings are the best time to catch someone online.  Everyone here understands and can relate to the crazy range of emotions you're having.  Love, peace, and hugs to you.

To all of you who replied, I really can't find the words to say thank you for your kindness. We have no children or family, and after his 10 year illness most friends just seemed to drift away. I don't know how I would have got through this day without you. I know you're all still raw with your own grief and I wish I had something comforting to say to you, just know that today you made a real difference in a person's life. I hope everyone sees this, I haven't a clue how to use this site.

Oh Snow, it is so so SO soon. Cry cry cry. I'm one for letting every emotion out, when possible. My estate attorney and advisor told me I didn't need to do ANYONE for a couple of months. Sound advice I discovered.

Thinking my son was with me, he could be of some help. All we did for those 2 weeks he was with me is create a list of what needed to be done, reconciling it with the funeral homes list. Theirs was 2 pages, mine was 6 pages typed on double space. It's just 6 months this week. Each. Every. Item. Brought. Pain. Tears. Sometimes I could finish the action, even with a persistent representative of whatever company I was dealing with. Even now, with just a little more than half a page to go, I cannot manage the conversation easily. 

I didn't care how people saw me. It is helpful to have at least a handful you can call on, text, count on, to help you early on, and even for me now, 6 months into this season.

Prayers, hugs, and keep coming back here. I know you'll find as I am, EVERY person here, understands what you are carrying.

I lost my husband of 47 years, knew him for 49, on Aug 28, 2017 just 3 days after his 68th birthday. 

Hi Snow, I't's a year since I lost my Charlie.  Those first weeks and months were horrendous.  I did have help, a sister and sister-in-law, but sometimes they just got in the way.  I tried to have them, and my attorney, do those hard phone calls and other tasks for me, but the banks, credit card companies, husband's employer, etc., had to talk to me.  Looking back it did help me understand what was going on with my life, that I needed to know going forward.  The lists!  I could never cross anything off, and that's still true.  I got some great advice, to just do one phone call a day, if you can.  I got so frustrated with "press 1 for blahblahblah" over and over again.  I was in tears screaming at the recordings and the people on the line who couldn't help me or didn't care.  And don't get me started on creating passwords every 5 minutes!  It's far too much at a time when you can barely make coffee.  Things fall through the cracks, but it's OK.  I wish you all the best, and share your grief in my heart.  Please let us know how you are doing.  This group is so great!

Snow, you say that have have no family and friends seem to have drifted away after years of illness, but I think you may find that there will be one or two people who may come into your life in this period. Please just let them in if they offer, you will need it. I was fortunate after Helen went in June 2017 with family and friends but others here have also found themselves in your situation and I am sure they will be able to offer you advice on where to look for help.  Hang on to that love of Michael and I am sure he will help you through.  Ray 

Thanks Ray. My first instinct always is not to reach out, I hate being a bother, I know everyone has stuff going on in their lives, but I'm sure you're right and I will try to fight that instinct. Helen, by the way, has always been one of my favourite names.

My hubby passed away on November 22nd.  Everything was a blur for the first couple of weeks.  I upset my dogs, they couldn't stand when I was crying.  The best advice I was given was to write everything down/journal, cry, let it all out, accept help from friends and most importantly go easy on yourself.  What I found that helped the most was jumping in on grief support blogs, like this, and I'm in some FB grief groups as well.  It helps so much!

Big Hugs to you!

Snow, I am SO sorry for your loss.  I echo many of the earlier replies here.  Just go ahead and cry, cry, cry.  There is not one "timetable" for all this grief.

My husband passed five months ago.  I can tell you my experience.   I cried nonstop for about 5 weeks and then, slowly, there were longer and longer periods of quiet grief in-between the crying jags.  (I actually asked my eye doctor---sobbing while i did--- when I went in for a routine exam around the 6 week mark if so many tears could damage my eyes!  He said no.)

How did I get through the first few days?  Not easily.  I tried to force myself to eat a little bit, to take a shower and wash my hair. I put on comfy clothes.  I tried to cut other people slack when they said stupid things or couldn't think of anything to say.  I wrote his obituary. I planned the funeral and I asked folks to help me with those sad tasks.      

I could not face all the paperwork at first.  And, really, very little of it was super time-sensitive.  But, after a while, I actually found it therapeutic to begin to unravel and clean up all the accounts, apply for his SS and life insurance, and consolidate the banking.  I kept everything in a couple of boxes that I could take out and "work on" when I felt up to it, and put away in a drawer when I didn't. Everything is still not finished but I'm getting close.  It is hard, but I think it is also good for me to do.  It helps me face reality and helps me realize I am surviving.

(((Huggs Snow))

I am so sorry for your loss. It is natural and normal to cry when you lose a love that is very special to you!. It is ok and it sucks all at the same time. I was extremely sad ,tearful,numb,confused for days. Even though I did venture to the stores occasionally , it felt so weird because me and my Bobby did everything together, I just got the barest items and ran back to my safe haven. The thought of managing a day felt overwhelming sad, and my whole being just ached with grief!

In many indigenous cultures it is perfectly acceptable and expected that for many weeks a widow or widower needs to be treated like a baby, softly,compassionately and tenderly. To be cared for. Sadly modern day societies have lost or become estranged for many reasons.

So keep reaching out here Snow and be kind and patient with yourself. I am sure that is exactly how your dear Michael would be loving and helping you through too.

RSS

© 2019   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service