If I hear one more person say "I lost my (mother/father/sister/brother/....), I know exactly what you are going through," I think I will scream! NO! NO! You do NOT know exactly what I am going through. I've lost grandparents, mother, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins. It is NOTHING like losing you spouse, your soulmate. The person who you chose and who chose you to be their partner. The pain is unbearable most of the time. My future hopes and dreams growing old with my soulmate are crushed. Unless you have experienced the loss of a partner/soulmate, you just cannot understand.
But what shall we say? Exactly what we want to say (scream)? Or be polite, say thank you for condolences, for trying? The other words people say are: " I have never lost a husband but I lost (fill in the blank) so I can relate/imagine". No you cannot! your husband is safe and sound, waiting for you at home, you can phone him or text him any time you want, he will support you and be there for you and mine is not so no, having some experience in grief doesn't make you "relate" to my pain. But can we really say that to people? And why don't we? To be polite? To do not hurt their feelings? They have hurt ours.
I had to break contact with a "friend' of many years because of her insisting that she knows how I feel because she lost her mom and is a single mom (never married). Really? If she was never married how she can have any idea how I feel? What would make her compare herself to my situation? It hurt but I had to untangle myself from this "friendship" as it was hurting more than helping me.
Notice that no one who is widowed will utter those words to you-isn't that something? And one would have thought that they DO know. But they also know that no pain is the same as yours.
Hang on in there, I do not have words of encouragement but I feel somewhat the same when people say those things.
I do have friends who ask, or did ask "how are you" and when I tell them it does all go a bit quiet. I am finding that more are now starting to ask "what sort of day have you had". But no nobody can know how "you" feel or what "you" are going through. The other response I hate is "time is a great healer", I have only been without Helen for 7 weeks, but I regularly talk to a neighbour who lost his wife 6 years ago and time is taking a long time to heal him. I know people are only trying to help but like you Raven it just does not help, particularly when you in a depth of longing and often the future seems futile. Ray
To be honest, unless you have lost a spouse at the age I am at and the length of time I was married and together with my spouse, you probably can't totally understand what I am going through. If you lost your spouse and don't have kids you probably can't relate to the way I feel having lost my spouse because I have kids. If you lost your spouse who had been your one and only since high school you probably cannot completely relate to the person who lost their spouse after having been married once before.
What I am trying to say is that there are sooooo many different scenarios that we are all going through even if we all have lost our spouse. And trying to relate completely to each others loss can be difficult.
The same goes for the person who lost a parent whom they considered their best friend vs a person who lost a parent who saw them only occasionally. Or the person who lost a child....I cannot even imagine what losing a child feels like.
But, what we all do have in common, is that we lost someone close to us and obviously we are all hurting and looking for those who may understand even a shred of what we are going though and trying to find comfort and support for the pain we are feeling.
Grief f*ing SUCKS no matter what. I have never ever experienced a pain, a gut wrenching pain like the one I have experienced and continue to experience after losing my husband 86 days ago. 86 blanking days ago. 3 months of no John in my life. In that time frame he missed his son graduate high school. He missed his son register for classes at college this Summer and he missed out on moving his son in to school this week 5 hours away from home. And now, not only have I lost the love of my life- I have to grieve the loss of my son in a way as I dropped him off at school and said goodbye to him and wished him well in this next chapter of his life.
The grief and the pain of losing 2 of my family of four in a matter of months is ridiculous. And can be all consuming if I let it.
But I have no clue what your grief feels like, or the grief of a mother who's child has died or a daughter who lost her father that she has considered her best friend for most of her adult life, or a sister who lost her brother and they have lived close together for all of their lives....who are any of us to say our grief is more than somebody else's grief.
Grief is horrible. It's hard. It's scary. It's all consuming sometimes. But it is also a learning experience. A chance to figure out who we are without that other person as a part of our day to day routine. And anybody who is grieving, I feel for you. And I hope through this site we can all help each other through our loss.
Yes!!! That is what I think all the time. I have lost my mother, father, close friends and now am losing my sister to cancer and none of those felt like this. This takes your breath away sometimes because it hurts so much. I have trouble thinking of any point in the future because he was always in those plans. I can only think about getting through today. We were so happy and in love yet I never thought it would hurt like this (stupid I guess, or just never let it enter my mind because you think you have forever). I actually had made him promise to let me die first because I didn't want to deal with all this crap. He was 9 years older than me and lived every second of his life to the fullest. That is something that makes me happy, he died so suddenly there was no time to suffer and he absolutely had no regrets at all.
my wife died on sept 3rd. less than a week after someone said to me "Its crazy, i lost my dog last year and didnt know what to do. Was nervous about the kids but somehow they just got through it." my reply was. "yeah. thats crazy". I realize that only people that get it are in the same shitty club.
You are better than I am I think I would have said something to them. You are right this is a shitty club to be a member of. You know, I'm not suicidal and would not kill myself, but the other day I thought I would not be upset if I died, that would be okay. Does that make sense?
Yes, it totally makes sense. When my love died in September my heart hurt so bad, and I had physical pain with it. I really just wanted to go lay in that same bed in palliative care, have the nurses erase my pain with morphine. Just stay there until I died and could be with him in heaven. I still wake in the morning disappointed that I am still on earth. Rather be in heaven. So yeah, it might be crazy, but you are not the only one that feels dying would be better than surviving a soul mate.