Today will be 4 weeks that my sweet husband Dan has been gone. I feel like it is getting more real at times but then I think oh no this really didn't happen, it was so sudden and unexpected that I cannot even really believe it. I still cannot get over that we were supposed to have more time and how unprepared for this I am, I guess one would never be prepared for this. I just keep wondering when will it really sink in that he is really gone? He is the love of my life and coming to the reality that he is really gone is very hard for me, I can't even believe that there will be no more kisses and oh all the fun times we had, there will be no more. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I go through the days in a fog and then get wired during the nights, sleeping is hard but I have gotten some meds for that, not sure how great they are either since they cloud me to the point that I cannot remember any dreams yet I still do not sleep well, I worry that I am missing dreams of him and that scares me, I just so want him back but I will even take a great dream of him. I know I have to sleep either way, hopefully soon I will be able to naturally but it is still very early. I cry most days in my cube at work silently, it is wild to me because I have never cried at work before and if anyone sees me I feel very embarrassed. I don't want them thinking I am falling apart, even though I am, but under these circumstances who wouldn't. Oh and our dog Diva, I feel like every time I come home she is looking for him and I cannot tell her he is never coming home. She is confused and I am confused, how did this happen?
I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you get to be part of this group. My husband has been gone for 6 weeks now and I feel all of those feelings you so well describe here. Coming to accept the reality is just a long painful process, I think. I still expect to see him walk through the door each evening and I am still crushed when I realize he won't. I cry off and on all day every day. My counselor assures me it's normal and healthy but it almost feels terrifying sometimes---what if it NEVER stops?!? The evenings are very hard for me. I'm thinking that I need to create some sort of routine for the evenings here at home so that they don't spiral down into this big puddle of dark sadness. I just haven't figured out how to do that or what I might want the evenings to look like now. (I want the old evening routines back. I miss him so then.) I don't know if this is helpful for you, but my husband was terminally ill and I knew he was going to die within the next few weeks and still his passing caught me off guard and placed me into this state of shock and wondering if it really happened or not. Crazy. I think it's the way our human brains relate to death itself---it feels impossible to be true but at the same time we are overwhelmed by the reality of it. It just sucks.
Thank you NancyD and InsideLove. It is very helpful for me to hear your experiences on going through this. I feel like my mind is on repeat and I cannot get over how Dan died, flying to California Sunday and when I left us talking about how this was the longest we had been apart and how hard it was going to be to be a apart for just a week (seems crazy now), showing him the beach when I got there and talking to him till he had to go to bed (he was fine), Monday morning getting the call from the state patrol that he had went into cardiac arrest in his vehicle, they had resuscitated him but that he had not regained consciousness and I needed to get home now, flying home to the potential that he was not going to wake up but really believing that he would, Wednesday finding out that he was not going to wake up and having Life-Source come in, then Friday to go into the OR at 1:04am and watch him take his last breath at 1:10am. I just cannot get over it and it is so unreal. I go over and over this in my head. I feel like I am never going to get over that week. And I ask myself is it going to continue to be on repeat forever. I know it is early but the stress is out of this world. And now there is the stress of the aftermath, we were not prepared at all for this, the financial stress has been crazy and sometimes I feel like I cannot even grieve my husband's death because I am over consumed with all the financial burden. I am just so scared right now, of everything.
SoundsOfSilence, in the only book I've read (It's OK Not To Be Okay, by Megan Devine) I found an answer, or explanation, to why our minds eat themselves - going round and round and round in our heads about the immediate before, after and during the passing away. It has to do with our minds needing closure. We have to have closure, in particular in a situation like yours. Even mine. The event was sudden, unexpected no time to prepare. My sense of this entire event, it would be the same no matter how the love of our life left this earth.
I am in 2 widow groups in my local community. (I try to do everything to take care of me in this incomprehensible situation) What I am learning, many of us, we do the same thing. We need a reason, something to make sense of what was such random life event, that we didn't have time to prepare for, where we cannot close that pathway of thinking and feeling.
Even though my husband and I preplanned for our eventual death with funeral prepays years ago, finances managed, estate planning, everything in the aftermath is consuming. Last week I had to go to a bank for the only car in the previous 25 years my husband decided to finance. He bought it in June planning to ship it to Sedona AZ where we were going to spend the month of November. Out of all the levers to pull (cancelling airlines, rental house, etc.) the most emotionally devastating was merely transitioning the loan from his name to mine. In ALL that has to be done we relive the reality over and over and over again. Bring the death certificate, fill in the paperwork, in many cases, take with someone who has NO, NONE,
In ALL we have to do, we relive the reality over and over and over again. Bring the death certificate, fill in the paperwork, in many cases, talk with someone who has NO, NONE, ZERO, NADA, ZILCH compassion for our pain. I found myself face to face with a banker, like that. I broke down, I couldn't think about the simplest thing to decide and ended up getting our financial planner on the telephone twice, just to complete the paperwork.
I'm sorry SoundsOfSilence. I did not mean to go on with that rant. Just know, NOTHING would prepare us for all of what we're going to experience. Not even all or any preplanning we might do for our finances, for our funerals, for our spouse who is left in a foreign world with no hopes of getting home.
I am so sorry you have to walk this path too. It has been 1 month for me also and there are times it doesn't seem real. The first few weeks there were so many decisions to make and things to do I wouldn't let myself think. I ran from the thought that he is never coming home. I cry every morning and evening and wear a "pretend face" during the day. I dread anyone asking how I am, what do they want me to say? No one can understand the profound loneliness and pain unless they have experienced it. No one wants to hear the truth. I write down all my thoughts and feelings in a journal so I have some release. Sending you hugs as we continue to figure out how to continue.
Hi sound of silence,
I am not sure if you will read this , but I just read your post and felt your sadness and grief. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband Dan. It has almost been 6 months for me ,but if it were not for the calendar my heart would be none the wiser. Physically I improved, my God I needed too. I honestly felt so much pain every bone and fibre of my body seemed to ache with grief!....and I felt like a drunk trying to walk on a slimy river bed many many days. I remember a neighbour ( you know those people who have a story to share) ugh....who said oh how do you think you will be first Christmas without your Bobby etc.....Oh I never thought of that I replied ( sarcastically).....to be honest I relpied I miss my lover and best friend every day and every night....I am ok with Jesus having a birthday, I am not ok with my husband not having one when its its day ( actually we share the same birthday), so I might have to get creative that day.....somehow make the day totally different so I can bear it.
Sound of Silence you dont need my advice because I am walking alongside you,and sure as hell dont have magical answers, but be encouraged, the fog (shock) and zombie sad times will become less intense, with every teardrop that falls. Dan may be resting but always remember the love you both have will never die!...Be blessed.
Thank you for your kind words. Oh how I wish you had the magical answers but I know none of us do, we can only support each other the best we can.
Dan and I got engaged two years ago on Christmas eve at his sisters house. Lucky for me it has been a tradition and I got to go back to her house this year, it was so nice to be with his family and I felt like he was there in spirit, oh how I wish he had really been there. I seem to do ok when I am with everyone but once I get alone I fall apart, I really do not know how to be alone. I am 34 years old and have never lived alone, I have our dog but it is not the same, nothing is the same anymore. I just want him back so bad! On Christmas I was at my Mom's and I was telling her how I felt like this was so unfair but that I was trying to remember how this could have been so much worse. He could have woken up but not really woke up and been in a nursing home for the rest of his life not having a life or what if he had woken up and not known who I was, all of this went through my head when we were in the hospital. All I wanted was Dan to wake up but only if he was going to wake up as my husband Dan, exactly as he was because the alternative was devastating period, no matter what it was.
I am sorry I feel like I am ranting but I just still feel like I have so much I need to get out, I feel like I am on repeat and I keep saying why did this happen, why did this happen but there are no answers and there never will be.
No ,no never opologise for talking,sharing your life with in effect strangers. How bizarre to think we met ( in word) , through grief. I am sure we all have many other things in common as well, but death has to be the greatest leveler of reality that I have ever encountered.
I know what its like to want to talk about my husband, I still do, but my world seemed so small during the Winter and no transport. I honestly thought Id go bat shit crazy because I had no one I could talk to who really knew or might be interested. I have a sister who lives in another city who did understand since she lost her husband 5mths before I did, but as much we loved talking about the shock ,pain, and turmoil, we couldnt talk as often as we really wanted too. Bereavement support groups ,I could not find...anywhere?. no correction ,I did find one, but the next 6 week would not start for another 3mths...I remember my emotions alternating between sadness and anger. I live in a reasonably large city even by New Zealand standards, it was mentally frustrating! I even wondered at some point is this what going insane must be like?......( Later my Doctor diagnosed , stress and burnout in a very normal way, and highly unlikely to be of a psychotic nature, because if it was I would think that I felt normal!)....Well hell, no I didnt feel anything close to it!......So ..so much goes on emotionally, physically and spiritually during those early days and weeks. In my opinion I am changed forever and its a long slow process finding out who I am again. The good news ,if you can call it that, is when those big ,huge waves come crashing down, I just float now ,instead of trying to swim. I could be less sarcastic, less mouthy, and maybe discipline my reckless attitude ,but for now I smile at the small things that dont bring me to my knees quite so fast anymore (not saying that wont) just what is my reality for now. I assume yours will evolve in your way, at your pace, in your time.....which in the great big scheme of things survival in action....P.S Be kind and patient with yourself, the head (mind) is analytical, facts and figures ,this means that, the heart always needs to understand, and it will ponder,pine,yearn until it does.
And while there is a pause in the journey, the story is far from finished.
Pic of us on our first date at Dairy Queen, so cute because we were like a couple of teenagers awkwardly trying to hold hands (2003).
Carmen13: I think you are so right when you said " I am changed forever and its a long slow process finding out who I am again". I feel very confused about who I am in the world. I certainly never wanted to be without my beloved husband here in the world and I have no idea how to navigate the life that's left ahead for me.
Often it feels easier to just sink into my grief and sorrow and go back to bed----mentally if not physically!---than face living this new, strange life of mine without him. But I am trying to take baby steps forward. I know that my heart and my mind are both struggling to accept this new reality and figure out who I am now and who I might someday be. The best I can do right now is to just focus on a few basics: get up, get dressed, eat wisely, do the things that absolutely have to get done (pay bills, wash the sticky floor), and cut myself some slack about everything else. I'm grateful for this site and the wise and kind words of other folks who "get it".
P.S. Loved the picture at DQ!
It's coming up on 6 months for me. I wake everyday thinking this will be the day I do something productive, something leading toward the future and everyday turns into getting only the basics done. I need to go to the grocery store today and doubt my ability to get thought it. I broke down on the wine aisle the other day as they were playing U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Six months ago I had what I was looking for. Now...
No words of wisdom, just a fellow commiserator.